brdlvr2

What the hell is wrong with me??



Two weeks ago, after I went out drinking (an isssue I have begun to address by beginning AA) I went looking for the xbf. Found him sober ( only because he was broke) and we hung out all weekend.



So I get "better" and realize what a mistake that was. There is still no trust on my part for him. He still lies, is clingy, not working any type of program, we still argue over old crap. And to top it off I found out that the two weeks he was not drinking (just recently) he was taking percacets (from his boss) and MY flexeral (sp) that he took from me (I said he could have a couple - he took all but 5 out of the bottle). He did have a very sprained wrist, but admitted the pills became a crutch to help him with his alcohol cravings. Needless to say, I still do not want to date him, I do not EVER see myself marrying him. We have no kids, I do not need him for any money, we have no joint assets (sp) etc.



Here's my issue I'm trying to figure out. I know all of the above and I know I care for him, but that's about it. Romantic Love? Nope. But yet, I will hang out with him if I'm bored and he's sober. Why?? All that does is lead him on as he is still telling me that he wants to marry me and have a future with me. I know that anytime I decide to see him, he'll be right there. Yet I know this is wrong for above stated reasons. Most of the time we fight and argue because I cannot get past all his issues and lies etc. I'm trying to get my self straight and yet by the still back and forth with this man, I"m adding additional stress to my life. I know it's wrong, yet I keep doing it.



Agghh!

Pick-a-name

Hi, brdlvr2: First, great idea to check ot AA for yourself. Remember YOU first!

What I wanted to say was what I saw when I read (specifically when you said you were "hanging out with him sober").......so before you question things, can I point out what I saw, and made me think "back up"...........you are assuming because he is not DRINKING that he is sober...even just dry. From your own description, he is not. He may not be ingesting FLUID/liquid chemicals BUT he is still taking them in but just in a different form. Pain pills, muscle relaxers,etc, alcohol.............the brain doesn't know the difference. It does the same thing.

All I wanted to mention. Don't assume he "stopped" because from what you say, he hasn't. This is very,very common behavior (for what it's worth) from what I have heard. I think my AH is probably doing the same thing. If memory serves me correctly, a variation of this is what brought Betty Ford to her "bottom".


Best of luck to you...keep doing what is best for you and your recovery; I am sure you will.

brdlvr2

Thanks! Very good point indeed. I have ZERO trust for this man. He lied about the pills when I knew from his voice he was on something - I never suspected he would turn to pills (even if it was for only a few days as he says). He first said he messed up and drank a pint of vodka. Then changed his story and admitted the pills. And his justification for lying? "He was afraid I"d turn to pills as I'm trying to quit drinking (nevermind I'm scared to try any kind of drugs) and "he knew I'd be more mad at him being a pill popper then a drunk so that's why he said it was vodka" and "I did have a prescription for percs from along time ago - so what's the big deal if I took them now (for his wrist of course ...Writing this down makes me again question why I even have this man in my life - even if it's only when I want to see him. P.S. here's a good one he also said - yes I lie, but I always eventually tell the truth so what's the big deal? And "See, I told you the truth and what did it get me - you leaving me again" I swear I will never understand how they can justify the crap that comes out of their mouth..

denny57

You say you have started AA. Do you see a therapist? You raise quite a few behaviors in your post that a professional could probably help you address. You're going to have to dig deep to find out why your own behavior is acceptable to you.

SortaFunctional

"But yet, I will hang out with him if I'm bored and he's sober. Why??"

That was the most telling comment I saw in your post. Sounds like you need to find some new friends and interests??

pmaslan

I read your post in the AA forum. You received some good advice there IMO.
As I recall someone thought you should address you own issues with alcohol
before you address you codependency issues. Maybe that is a good place to start.

CatsTail

Maybe your self-esteem is telling you that's all you deserve?

Remember the choices of what you do are all in your hands.

Ngaire

Kellye C

I'm the one who suggested that she deal with the alcohol first and I stick by that. In the meantime, stay away from this guy! Get to know people in your AA group, get involved and do things with them when you get bored. You already know you don't want this guy and you certainly don't need to be hanging out with people who are using substances (alcohol, pills, something to change the way you feel, it's all trouble for you!). Put your sobriety first. Focus on addressing the alcohol and the things within YOU that caused you to drink. Get to know who YOU are. Stay out of relationships for at least a year and avoid any other major changes.

Ok, I'll stop now! I just saw red flags all over the place when I read this.

Hugs,
Kellye

pmaslan

Thanks Kelleye I knew you'd stroll on by when you saw this. You gave great
advice before and I see that you have done so again.
I went back to look at that thread in the AA forum and apprears to
be gone....I wonder why....

brdlvr2

Thanks everybody. I do think yes, self esteem has a lot to do with it, thinking that he's as good as I'll get because "He loves me" (ugh) and for sure a lack of non-drinking friends. I don't have any friends that don't drink, but they are like I was "functioning" still work, mostly weekends and at gaterings etc.,

Anyhoo...seems like I've got lots of work to do - and still do - two issues to deal with (which I knew for along time...)

pmaslan

I have friends that drink too brdkvr as I do. I am a social drinker always have been
always will be. Just because my friends drink and some make poor choices
doesn't mean I have to. You have admitted that your drinking is no longer on the
social level. What you have been doing isn't working for you anymore, probably
hasn't in a long time. I'd say the best place to start is an AA meeting, it's
Saturday go today instead of out drinking. Keep the focus one day at a time.
Eventually, you will see that you are far better than you b/f and that you deserve
so much more than he has to offer. Talk is cheap...get moving in the right
direction, and you know which way that is.....

Kellye C

I understand the whole self-esteem issue and the feeling that we can't do better. I lived in a marriage for 10 years that was based on that. The man was a pothead and refused to work. I worked my *ss off and resented the heck out of it. He grew closer to our daughter because he was home all day while I was working nights and sleeping days. I was miserable and I grew to hate him. I was also very overweight at the time (I wasn't an alcoholic yet as I rarely drank. Instead I comforted myself with food. I had weight loss sugery 6 years ago and could no longer stuff feelings with food and that is when I discovered alcohol.) Anyway, I digress. I wanted to leave desperately but I didn't think anyone else would want me and I couldn't fathom living without a man so I stayed and became more miserable. I played the martyr role really well and I have always been great at playing the victim too although I didn't know it then.

Please believe me when I tell you that if you work an honest and thorough 12 step program your self-esteem will increase. You will deal with your garbage and slowly you will learn who you really are and you will learn to like that person. It happens all the time. Once you begin to like yourself more you will begin to see that you deserve good things and good people in your life. You will come to treasure your sobriety and will do anything it takes to protect it including eliminating people, places and things that put you in harm's way. If you continue to go to AA meetings you will meet all kinds of new people and if you extend yourself just a little bit you will probably develop some friendships there too. If you don't feel that at the meetings you're currently going to then shop around and find a home group where you feel welcome and able to be yourself. It may take some work and effort on your part but the results are SO worth it! You're worth it!

Hugs,
Kellye

Kellye C

Patty, the post is still there. It is under the Alcoholics Anonymous forum and entitled Questions about AA.

Hugs,
Kellye

pmaslan

I must be going senile....