Need some advice, new
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: lost
Posts: 12
Need some advice, new
My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 5. He has always had a drug problem that has only gotten worse through the years. This past year was exceptionally hard. He lost his dad to cancer in November, but before that he lived with his father, who lives about an hour away from us, for almost an entire year (a strain on an already strained marriage). During this time he tried really hard to get clean as his final gesture to his father, he was unable to do so and ended up being gone on a binge the night his father passed away. Soon after his father's passing, his addiction only got worse. Before he was a once a week/once every 2 week user (his DOC was crack and sometimes meth), after it was daily and he started bringing it home which he had never done before. After 2 months of trying everything we could to help him get sober, he finally decided it was time to go to rehab.
At this point let me give you some background on myself, I own my own business, and through the years the business has continued to grow and become more successful and I have thrown myself into my work as sort of an escape from the madness of home life with an addict.
At the point where my husband had decided to go to rehab, I was also getting ready to move my business into a new, larger location that I/we had been dreaming of.
Into rehab he goes and we talk daily, he seems to be doing very well and I am excited that we can finally have the life we have dreamed of for so long. I went to see him a couple of times during visiting hours and we talked a lot and he shared a lot of new insights with me. I wasn't able to enroll in the family program due to my busy work schedule, but had talked to one of the counsolers about sitting down with us and helping us work through some things in the near future. As his 21 days was coming to an end, I encouraged him to stay longer knowing that the longer he stayed with the program the better his chances are, he was resisitant at first, but agreed that he would stay.
He came home for a weekend after the 21 days and it was okay, his mom was with us a lot, so we didn't have much one on one time. So he goes back to the rehab into the extended care where he has much more freedom (his cell phone, his car, 11:00pm curfew). I encourage him to come home the following weekend for some us time but tells me he doesn't think he can get a pass. About a week later I call him late one night and he tells me that he's leaving me. Of course, I am shocked--what happened!!! To make a long story short, apparently he had begun a relationship with a female patient although this didn't come out until I discovered a voice mail she had left for him. He says she understands him and makes him feel like a man, all I ever did was complain about things he did, nag him, treat him like a child, and try to control him. Another big complaint was that all I cared about was my work and I never had time for him. I admit that I did all of those things but everything I did was in an effort to get him to stop using and to save my own sanity.
I have heard this rehab romance is very common, what I want to know is where to I go from here? He has since been kicked out of rehab for having this relationship, moved into an apartment and allowed her to move in with him. Will this last? My heart is breaking and all I want is to finally move on and start building the life we had dreamed of for so long.
At this point let me give you some background on myself, I own my own business, and through the years the business has continued to grow and become more successful and I have thrown myself into my work as sort of an escape from the madness of home life with an addict.
At the point where my husband had decided to go to rehab, I was also getting ready to move my business into a new, larger location that I/we had been dreaming of.
Into rehab he goes and we talk daily, he seems to be doing very well and I am excited that we can finally have the life we have dreamed of for so long. I went to see him a couple of times during visiting hours and we talked a lot and he shared a lot of new insights with me. I wasn't able to enroll in the family program due to my busy work schedule, but had talked to one of the counsolers about sitting down with us and helping us work through some things in the near future. As his 21 days was coming to an end, I encouraged him to stay longer knowing that the longer he stayed with the program the better his chances are, he was resisitant at first, but agreed that he would stay.
He came home for a weekend after the 21 days and it was okay, his mom was with us a lot, so we didn't have much one on one time. So he goes back to the rehab into the extended care where he has much more freedom (his cell phone, his car, 11:00pm curfew). I encourage him to come home the following weekend for some us time but tells me he doesn't think he can get a pass. About a week later I call him late one night and he tells me that he's leaving me. Of course, I am shocked--what happened!!! To make a long story short, apparently he had begun a relationship with a female patient although this didn't come out until I discovered a voice mail she had left for him. He says she understands him and makes him feel like a man, all I ever did was complain about things he did, nag him, treat him like a child, and try to control him. Another big complaint was that all I cared about was my work and I never had time for him. I admit that I did all of those things but everything I did was in an effort to get him to stop using and to save my own sanity.
I have heard this rehab romance is very common, what I want to know is where to I go from here? He has since been kicked out of rehab for having this relationship, moved into an apartment and allowed her to move in with him. Will this last? My heart is breaking and all I want is to finally move on and start building the life we had dreamed of for so long.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 36
Oh, Meandu2, I am sooo sorry. I wish I had some magic words to say to make you feel better but I can't. Just know that you have been very patient and gave him all the rope he needed -- and he chose to hang himself.
I, too, have heard of this happening and for what it's worth, he is a loser. What he has found is a mirror image of himself; someone he can feel justified with. Just keep in mind that this is like a fling thing and won't last. What you have to decide is whether you want to wait in the wings or move on. I think the answer is easy but will take strength for you to do.
I will say a prayer for you.
Smiles...
I, too, have heard of this happening and for what it's worth, he is a loser. What he has found is a mirror image of himself; someone he can feel justified with. Just keep in mind that this is like a fling thing and won't last. What you have to decide is whether you want to wait in the wings or move on. I think the answer is easy but will take strength for you to do.
I will say a prayer for you.
Smiles...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: SYDNEY NSW
Posts: 156
I agree with Cat3.
He is being an *******. How dare he make you feel like the reason he left you. The truth is, he is incredibly selfish and thinks that he has found a saviour. In time, he will discover that this was a mistake. A very stupid one.
Hang in there, hold tight. You deserve so much better.
He is being an *******. How dare he make you feel like the reason he left you. The truth is, he is incredibly selfish and thinks that he has found a saviour. In time, he will discover that this was a mistake. A very stupid one.
Hang in there, hold tight. You deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Hi and welcome to SR,it takes time to heal,and be weller,in recovery.Sick folks will continue their ways until they make a decision to take action,with recovery programs.,and do the do things..Until that time,,?????They will not behave as if they are well,healthy minded,,because they are not at this time.{My perception}
Al-anon,is a great program for the family and friends of alcoholics.Here is where the non-alcoholic can go for their own recovery.As you are moving along in recovery,then are able to make clearer decisions for yourself,your life..etc..etc.I know your busy with your business,.May i suggest that you take time for recovery too.And get some general information about alcoholism.In doing,recovery for yourself,and getting info,about alcoholism, you will have some insights into this disease.,and recover for yourself.And in doing this you will know beyond any doubts,that you cannot control this,you never caused this disease,nor can you cure it.I know this is heartbreaking for you.My prayers are with both of you.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless and take care!!!
Al-anon,is a great program for the family and friends of alcoholics.Here is where the non-alcoholic can go for their own recovery.As you are moving along in recovery,then are able to make clearer decisions for yourself,your life..etc..etc.I know your busy with your business,.May i suggest that you take time for recovery too.And get some general information about alcoholism.In doing,recovery for yourself,and getting info,about alcoholism, you will have some insights into this disease.,and recover for yourself.And in doing this you will know beyond any doubts,that you cannot control this,you never caused this disease,nor can you cure it.I know this is heartbreaking for you.My prayers are with both of you.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless and take care!!!
Last edited by Cap3; 03-24-2006 at 06:02 AM. Reason: adding to post,
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
meandu...Hi..Welcome to SR, I am so glad you found this site as it is the best ever.
feel free to come here often. With all the hurt and why's sometimes it helps very much to type it out, everyone here understands we need to vent.
Please read the Sticky's at the top, perhaps drop over to the Nar-Anon site ,here on SR, since his DOC was crack. If no Nar-Anon meetings to go to in your area, Please go to Al-Anon. We need to understand addictions and what happens, so if we leave we won't get another one, if we stay we can be more helpfull and help ourselves feel better and as is said, "Handle life on life's terms"
Read as many posts on here as you can, and keep coming back , always remember, take what you can use today and leave the rest.
Do these relationships in rehab last?? Like anthing in life there is always exceptions, some do, some don't. Sorry! just no black and white answers. This happens too often, no matter how hard the centers try to prevent it.
HUGS
feel free to come here often. With all the hurt and why's sometimes it helps very much to type it out, everyone here understands we need to vent.
Please read the Sticky's at the top, perhaps drop over to the Nar-Anon site ,here on SR, since his DOC was crack. If no Nar-Anon meetings to go to in your area, Please go to Al-Anon. We need to understand addictions and what happens, so if we leave we won't get another one, if we stay we can be more helpfull and help ourselves feel better and as is said, "Handle life on life's terms"
Read as many posts on here as you can, and keep coming back , always remember, take what you can use today and leave the rest.
Do these relationships in rehab last?? Like anthing in life there is always exceptions, some do, some don't. Sorry! just no black and white answers. This happens too often, no matter how hard the centers try to prevent it.
HUGS
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I am sorry too that this has happened to you, but it only goes to prove the point you can't help someone with their disease ..... it always comes back to bite you in the rear sooner or later.
Your story drives home the point that even though you worked and tried so hard for him, it truly is better to take care of oneself, than to try to fix, enable, make right, things for someone else.
Again, I'm sorry! I wish you continued success with your business and hope you will go to Al Anon to get through this and not hook up with another person who has such a low opinion of himself.
Your story drives home the point that even though you worked and tried so hard for him, it truly is better to take care of oneself, than to try to fix, enable, make right, things for someone else.
Again, I'm sorry! I wish you continued success with your business and hope you will go to Al Anon to get through this and not hook up with another person who has such a low opinion of himself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
First Welcome to SR glad you found us.
Wow...I too am so very sorry to hear what has happened.
It is clear that he is not ready to be clean and work a program.
If he was he would not be holed up in an apartment with a
woman he met less than a month ago in rehab.
I am glad that you have a successful business, that will help
in the road ahead. So many women have no means of support
so you are fortunate in that respect.
Please find an Al-anon meeting for yourself and please keep
coming back here......
Wow...I too am so very sorry to hear what has happened.
It is clear that he is not ready to be clean and work a program.
If he was he would not be holed up in an apartment with a
woman he met less than a month ago in rehab.
I am glad that you have a successful business, that will help
in the road ahead. So many women have no means of support
so you are fortunate in that respect.
Please find an Al-anon meeting for yourself and please keep
coming back here......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: lost
Posts: 12
Thank you so much for all your posts. It really helps to know that other people understand what you are going through. Right now I am concerned because no one has heard from him in several days and his cell phone is turned off. Not good signs. Is it bad of me to almost feel glad if is is relapsing right now? That maybe it will bring him down off his high horse and realize that is is not working the program and that he is making wrong decisions? Of course I want him to be sober, but don't you think this was bound to happen? Again, I'm not sure if he is relapsing right now, but it doesn't look good. I will keep you updated.
Thanks again for all your support!
Thanks again for all your support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: lost
Posts: 12
Okay, so his mom got ahold of him by calling his new girlfriend and he's at home, but she said he sounded like he might've been high, but she wasn't sure. This is killing me!! I tried calling him, but of course he wouldn't answer my calls. It's so hard for me to understand how he could leave me and start a whole new life with her so quickly! She lives with him, has no job, no car, no money, he bought her a cell phone...I don't get it!!! This past Valentine's day (just a little over a month ago) he gave me a new wedding ring and asked me to marry him again. I'm so confused! I love him and want to start over but I cannot understand this behavior.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
meandu2... We pretty much learn that there is no understanding anyone useing drugs or drinking, then what is worse ,we learn that 30 or more days in rehab is just a bare beginning, pretty hard to face life stone cold sober, they hang on by a thread IF they can hang on. They have had a crutch always before.
I feel perhaps there wasn't any addicts in your family, have you had friends that worried about addicts??
Can you go to the library and get "Getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drews, and no doubt some other good books on addiction. I am not good on the list of books recommended for SO.
Would be nice if you could come here to SR between 8 and 9 AM , this time of night the wise ones are in bed. There are ones who have lived through the same thing going on with you. Sometimes Sat and Sun not too good, if weather nice.
We have all had to learn so much, and the hurt is terrible, worse as we don't know what they really feel or what they really want.
If you can get away from your business for an hour it would be good to see an addiction counselor.
His body will crave, and he will say it is because of his Dad or because of you or whatever, as he doesn't understand what addiction does to his body,
Get the book 'Under the Influnce" also, tells why we become addicted, and why we can't stop, or stop and then relapse etc. Nite Now
I feel perhaps there wasn't any addicts in your family, have you had friends that worried about addicts??
Can you go to the library and get "Getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drews, and no doubt some other good books on addiction. I am not good on the list of books recommended for SO.
Would be nice if you could come here to SR between 8 and 9 AM , this time of night the wise ones are in bed. There are ones who have lived through the same thing going on with you. Sometimes Sat and Sun not too good, if weather nice.
We have all had to learn so much, and the hurt is terrible, worse as we don't know what they really feel or what they really want.
If you can get away from your business for an hour it would be good to see an addiction counselor.
His body will crave, and he will say it is because of his Dad or because of you or whatever, as he doesn't understand what addiction does to his body,
Get the book 'Under the Influnce" also, tells why we become addicted, and why we can't stop, or stop and then relapse etc. Nite Now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: lost
Posts: 12
I will try and go out and get those books tomorrow, clancy. My mother-in-law also suggested the "getting them sober" book. Today was one of those days when laying in bed all day was about all I could do, but I did go out and have dinner with a friend. Every little distraction helps...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I am so sorry.
I suggest you go to http://www.GettingThemSober.com where you can read exerpts from the GTS books and check the author's forum.
Stick around. Sending you a hug.
I suggest you go to http://www.GettingThemSober.com where you can read exerpts from the GTS books and check the author's forum.
Stick around. Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
MEANDU2.... So glad you checked in, it all hurts so much, glad you did get out.
Keep looking for distractions, much needed now.
Neat that Pick-A-name gave you a site for on line book excerpts, in case you can't get out of your jamies. (Thanks Pick), we have such careing helpfull people on here.
Have you ever been around addicts befor, anyone other than your hubby???
Keep looking for distractions, much needed now.
Neat that Pick-A-name gave you a site for on line book excerpts, in case you can't get out of your jamies. (Thanks Pick), we have such careing helpfull people on here.
Have you ever been around addicts befor, anyone other than your hubby???
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Here I am again, i seem to be the only one on line at the moment.
I felt you might be new to all of this, but I am so often wrong. Kinda guess, ya need a crash course.
The sad part on addiction is, we see and know two or more different people, most people could or might change, but with A's it changes with amount of substance, perhaps from min. to min. hour to hour and day to day.
I suggest you just sit back, don't call, perhaps if no contact from you or scoldings from Mom, he will sit back and think, (when drugs ware off).
When there is contact they become defensive, they have to justify, blame us, and insist they are happy.
After years of hearing both sides all sides, I am not sure of anything, except we hurt. Men on here hurt too.
So I would work up the courage to wait, don't answer if he calls, then if he does contact you in some way, perhaps tell him, "you told me so and so, I have to accept what you said". (Guess we do have to accept as we certainly do not know.
In my opinion it does no good to ask why?? How could you do this?? They are not well enough to know. 3O days, 90 days?? takes a long time to clear substances from the body and the brain. When first substance free, life looks too much to handle to the addict.
This is no doubt enough for now, from me. My suggestions only, not written in stone.
I felt you might be new to all of this, but I am so often wrong. Kinda guess, ya need a crash course.
The sad part on addiction is, we see and know two or more different people, most people could or might change, but with A's it changes with amount of substance, perhaps from min. to min. hour to hour and day to day.
I suggest you just sit back, don't call, perhaps if no contact from you or scoldings from Mom, he will sit back and think, (when drugs ware off).
When there is contact they become defensive, they have to justify, blame us, and insist they are happy.
After years of hearing both sides all sides, I am not sure of anything, except we hurt. Men on here hurt too.
So I would work up the courage to wait, don't answer if he calls, then if he does contact you in some way, perhaps tell him, "you told me so and so, I have to accept what you said". (Guess we do have to accept as we certainly do not know.
In my opinion it does no good to ask why?? How could you do this?? They are not well enough to know. 3O days, 90 days?? takes a long time to clear substances from the body and the brain. When first substance free, life looks too much to handle to the addict.
This is no doubt enough for now, from me. My suggestions only, not written in stone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there meandu2, and welcome to SR. 
I'm sorry to hear you're going thru all this hardship. I can't imagine anything worse than seeing someone I love getting swallowed up by the disease of addiction. Have you had a chance to go thru some of the "sticky" posts in this forum and the "Nar-Anon" forum? There's a lot of great information there.
As you read thru all the posts here you'll see how addiction twists the minds of the addict and makes their behavior completely unpredictable. My wife became addicted to pain pills and left me for 3 other guys, all of whom are married. I truly became overwhelmed by her addiction, and in my own "co-dependent" way became just as tangled in my thinking as she was. What helped me the most is what everybody else has suggested; real life meetings, lots of book, and learning from the other folks here on this forum.
I find that when my mind is not occupied with something healthy and productive it fills itself with negativity and worry about my ex-wife. When I first started my own recovery I went to as many meetings as I could fit in. Read all the books cover to cover and called _everybody_ on the phone. It didn't take me long to get over the "shock" of what had happened. Then i was able to understand that the best chance my wife has of finding her own recovery is if I stop "rescuing" her and instead focus on my own health and sanity.
You are not alone anymore, you have all of us here as your new friends. You have all the real-life people of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon just waiting for you to show up and join them. All of us together are getting our lives back and overcoming this nightmare of addiction.
Welcome again.
Mike :-)
I'm sorry to hear you're going thru all this hardship. I can't imagine anything worse than seeing someone I love getting swallowed up by the disease of addiction. Have you had a chance to go thru some of the "sticky" posts in this forum and the "Nar-Anon" forum? There's a lot of great information there.
As you read thru all the posts here you'll see how addiction twists the minds of the addict and makes their behavior completely unpredictable. My wife became addicted to pain pills and left me for 3 other guys, all of whom are married. I truly became overwhelmed by her addiction, and in my own "co-dependent" way became just as tangled in my thinking as she was. What helped me the most is what everybody else has suggested; real life meetings, lots of book, and learning from the other folks here on this forum.
I find that when my mind is not occupied with something healthy and productive it fills itself with negativity and worry about my ex-wife. When I first started my own recovery I went to as many meetings as I could fit in. Read all the books cover to cover and called _everybody_ on the phone. It didn't take me long to get over the "shock" of what had happened. Then i was able to understand that the best chance my wife has of finding her own recovery is if I stop "rescuing" her and instead focus on my own health and sanity.
You are not alone anymore, you have all of us here as your new friends. You have all the real-life people of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon just waiting for you to show up and join them. All of us together are getting our lives back and overcoming this nightmare of addiction.
Welcome again.
Mike :-)
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