JessicaNAJ

You know....this week of not calling has really opened my eyes. I realize now that when I talk to him, I get confused. Can't really explain how, but it happens.

Once again, he did not pay the sitter. I'm not surprised...but I am disappointed. I had already made arrangements with her that I would pay her since we cannot depend on him.

So, I was doing my bills again and I GOT MY RAISE FOR NOTHING!! I'm back to scraping pennies to find money for food for my kids.

This is not only affecting me, now his selfishness is affect my kids. Its bulls#!t.

I'm going to talk to my co-workers husband (attorney). I'm going to see about getting child support. But I know I cannot count on that either, b/c he'll probably get a job where he gets paid under the table or move to Florida (like he's threatened to do before).

I know once he gets the papers (looking into the future here), he's going to be a complete jerk. He'll probably threaten me, call me names and carry on like a fricking caveman. But.....I will know that I'm doing what is right for my kids and myself so i will feel no guilt.

I cannot depend on him, but I can depend on me.




ps....my sitter is still trying to get ahold of him b/c I don't want him to know I'm paying her. He's avoiding her calls. I cracked (got caught up in old feelngs) and tried to call him myself...no answer. I only called once. Not again.

StandingStrong

I remember a time where you said that you were okay financially, so apparently I've missed something along those lines.
As for the child support - you do not have to talk to your lawyer friend (Or lawyer husband of your friend) concerning child support. You can go straight down to the Child Support Agency in your county!
On a side note to that - I don't know how you feel about government assistance, but it's possible you may qualify for the Healthy Start medical card for your kids as well. Not sure if you have insurance on them or how much it costs you but that is also something you may want to look into.

Just so you know, I'm betting that he thought if he didn't pay the sitter, it would give you a reason to call him! Just like old times - he's expecting the same pattern.
And I am wondering if he will use some lame excuse such as you're not calling him, "You don't want anything to do with me, you only want my money" type of thing as his excuse.

Hang in there Jessica - you are seeing the actions. In this case (like mine) - it's the lack of action that is the action.

JessicaNAJ

I was doing ok financially (after I got my raise) but paying the sitter takes that extra money from the raise. I make too much for financial assistance, but I am looking into refinancing. Maybe I can consolidate and that will help.

If I'm going to file for support....I'm going all the way. Dissolution is NOT an option.

As far as the phone call - I'll do better next time.

CatsTail

Jessica,

Hold your ground, go and get legal counsel, do whatyou need to do to take care of you and your kids and.........DON'T CALL.

Calling will not be taking care of yourself it will be playing more of the same game.

Ngaire

CatsTail

Is there anyway you can pay the sitter and deal wwith her directly so she doesn't have to deal with him either? Then it gets him further out of the game.

Ngaire

JessicaNAJ

You're right....I don't want to play anymore. I'm tired of hurting. My feet hurt from dancing so much. I deserve better. He's selfish and only thinks of himself and what's best for him. I need to do the same for myself.

I don't want to be roped back into his mind games. I don't want to play games with him. I want all the cards laid out on the table and if I don't call....I think I'll win.

Actions speak louder with words.....my situation is proof that if you take the words out of the equation, there is nothing else there.

JessicaNAJ

I do deal with her directly. She agree that she should still call him like she is waiting to get the money from him b/c I don't want him to know I'm paying her. DO you think we should not do that?

Come to think of it....to hell with what he thinks. It's aggravating to try to get ahold of him. She don't need to deal with that, and neither do I. I'll tell her tomorrow to not call him anymore.

Take that out of the equation and all contact will be eliminated. He'll probably feel like he is home free though. Is that enabling?

megamysterioso

Hi Jess. I don't think it would be enabling. He SHOULD be responsible by paying her, but if he is so obviously irresponsible, why go through the aggravation of having to do this every time? It just gets you riled up and I'm sure the babysitter does not want to have to "play the game." If you deal with her directly and he has little or no contact with your goings-on, he'll probably start ringing YOUR phone off the hook then! Oh...the games that they play.

LaTeeDa

Yeah, he might feel that way. Till he gets the court order to start paying. And, even if he doesn't pay, they can take it out of his tax return. THAT would be poetic justice!

You're doing good. I know it's not easy.

(())

L

P.S. I would talk to the attorney BEFORE the re-fi people. It may not be to your benefit to do it before the divorce is settled. Best to get all the information before taking action.

denny57

Except YOUR actions. I think you are doing great Jessica. My thoughts are with you.

Cat3

Get a good night's sleep, you will feel better after you can think straight and are rested.

ASpouse

Nope, what I would do is pay the sitter, stop calling him (both of you) and keep very good records of everything he owes you and the sitter. Talk to a lawyer.

Maybe he can hide, but he can't run. They have laws in this COUNTRY for deadbeat dads. If he doesn't pay up he goes to jail ...... in other words "let his own actions set himself up" and stop giving him chance after chance after chance.

I think if you and the babysitter stop calling him, he may get that false sense that he is "free and clear", then the bomb will drop and he'll be in worse shape than he is now.

Yes, he can always get a job off the books, but don't you think a good lawyer and a good judge will ask him how he's supporting himself? Believe me Jess, the possibilities of this situation pushing him further along in this downward spiral are endless.

Do your kids go to school? Here in NJ, they have before and aftercare right at the school, where the kids are bussed home in most cases. It costs, here anyway, $25/week and with multiple kids there is a discount.

I now pay $100/month for my son v. the $600 I was paying last year. Check with the school or even on their website. Usually those programs are really good and the kids enjoy them. If you tell me what state or city you live in privately, I'll do some checking for you.

denny57

This sentence just put to rest something I have been struggling with for 2 weeks. Thank you!

ASpouse

You're welcome Denny ..... wish I knew what I said :-)

denny57

I don't think it's a TJ since it also has to do with money. I have been delaying turning in the monthly expenses (spousal support) report because I feared the reaction I'd get from my AH. Without getting into boring details, our business is such that actual cash comes in from what my AH does; what I do raises substantial capital for our business.

I was worrying over these figures, trying to cut corners, etc. so that he would not have a meltdown, wouldn't get upset, wouldn't hate me, wouldn't think I was a money hungry b****, wouldn't WHATEVER. Sometimes I forget the whole actions/choices/consequences thing, especially when I let my emotions take over.

You made me realize I have to do what is right and let the situation play out the way it should. STOP STOP STOP trying to manipulate.

Thanks!

ASpouse

It's very hard to let a situation play out .... boy do I know how hard that is, but each day that goes by and nothing terrible happens, well I just get stronger and confident that letting it play out is the right thing to do.

Sleepless nights are not fun ...... I've found it's easier to turn things over to God.

denny57

amen.

p.s. I am also a Jersey girl. are you a native?

ASpouse

Yes I am! Since you are a Jersey Girl, you will love to read the Janet Evanovich books about Stephanie Plum. You'll laugh til you cry they are so funny and they are books that you can only truly laugh at if you're from this beautiful state!

Why did you move to Seattle?

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

No I don't think you should do that. Stop playing any game at all with him. Deal with the sitter directly, keep track and contact a lawyer plain and simple. Let a lawyer deal with him.

Ngaire

pmaslan

Hi Jess...
Oh yeah he'll be mad that he will now have to do something court ordered.
He can't play his little games with the legal system without serious consequences.
I would definately stop calling him for any reason and the sitter shouldn't be
put in the middle of this whole thing either. He can go to the ends of the country
he can't escape and if he works for cash I think Judy said it best, A judge would
definately ask him how he is surviving....I recently eyewitness that very thing
while I was in court getting my support increased. Judge asked the man before my
case was called that very question, the man stammered with his reply and he
hardly finished his last word and then the judge awarded the woman a really high amount considering what he said his income was. The judges aren't fools and
you aren't either......keep standing strong......