I'm Still ALIVE!!!!
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
I'm Still ALIVE!!!!
I have had one hell of a fall into the depths of active addiction the last few weeks. I think maybe I have had 3 days clean I am not sure. I am not really doing that good right now. I woke up here alive that is good right? I am a mess that is all that I do know. I have lost a lot this time again. I am so sick of this crap. I know the program works I have tasted it before.
Right now I sit here with no money, cigarettes, food, and I really don't have to much left to sell except for my pickup and computer LOL> Can you believe that I am actually thinking about selling this crap to get high WTF. I don't think that most of these people here is this town really give a ****. I have had none of them call me to even see how I am doing, but really why should they? This is up to me to do not them. But it sure would be nice to have people who care.
I was thinking well Vic if you were back home you know damn well that your friends would be there for you right now. I know that this is so true. They would even stay with me until I would feel comfortable with myself day and night if that is what it took. I am going to do my best not to use today. I am afraid that I am making excuses now to get a loan on my truck to get cigs and stuff until I get paid the 3rd. I know or have a feeling that if I go get that money that I will be then again going out to get high. I don't want to get high but yet maybe I do. No I don't want to get high I want recovery. It is like I am torn between two different people right now. OMG do I ever need help right now. Well I hope that I can give this a shot here.
I was hoping that I could hang on here until 7 o'clock tonight for my NA meeting downtown. I don't know if I would ask someone there if they would just stay with me until I was ready to go to bed or not. Actually I might not even make that meeting if I go get a loan on my truck. That is what is really ******* scaring me right now, I DON"T TRUST MYSELF. Well here we go the battle of sobriety or not.
Vic
Right now I sit here with no money, cigarettes, food, and I really don't have to much left to sell except for my pickup and computer LOL> Can you believe that I am actually thinking about selling this crap to get high WTF. I don't think that most of these people here is this town really give a ****. I have had none of them call me to even see how I am doing, but really why should they? This is up to me to do not them. But it sure would be nice to have people who care.
I was thinking well Vic if you were back home you know damn well that your friends would be there for you right now. I know that this is so true. They would even stay with me until I would feel comfortable with myself day and night if that is what it took. I am going to do my best not to use today. I am afraid that I am making excuses now to get a loan on my truck to get cigs and stuff until I get paid the 3rd. I know or have a feeling that if I go get that money that I will be then again going out to get high. I don't want to get high but yet maybe I do. No I don't want to get high I want recovery. It is like I am torn between two different people right now. OMG do I ever need help right now. Well I hope that I can give this a shot here.
I was hoping that I could hang on here until 7 o'clock tonight for my NA meeting downtown. I don't know if I would ask someone there if they would just stay with me until I was ready to go to bed or not. Actually I might not even make that meeting if I go get a loan on my truck. That is what is really ******* scaring me right now, I DON"T TRUST MYSELF. Well here we go the battle of sobriety or not.
Vic
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Vic, I know that NA is your primary program of recovery. Where I am locally, though, there are not as many NA meetings as AA meetings. In fact we have several AA halls that hold meeting after meeting throughout every day. How about calling your nearest AA hotline, finding an AA meeting hall and staying there all day until your NA meeting tonight? Just a suggeston.
I heard something the other night, too, that I liked - recovery is not for those who need it, recovery is not for those who want it, recovery is for those who do the work!
Prayers to you, my friend.
I heard something the other night, too, that I liked - recovery is not for those who need it, recovery is not for those who want it, recovery is for those who do the work!
Prayers to you, my friend.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Vic what on earth are you doing?
Are you really willing to lose even more. I hope you make a choice
not too.
As to the others not being there for you? Be there for yourself, then
maybe they will be there.
It's hard for me right now to read the choices you are making, when I myself
went through a tough week, really wanted to give in, but didn't.
Makes me want to scream at you and ask you what you are doing...
Your using cause you want too. Your losing your life as you know it cause
you are making bad choices.
Demand more out of yourself Vic. Manage yourself better today than you
did yesterday.
Are you really willing to lose even more. I hope you make a choice
not too.
As to the others not being there for you? Be there for yourself, then
maybe they will be there.
It's hard for me right now to read the choices you are making, when I myself
went through a tough week, really wanted to give in, but didn't.
Makes me want to scream at you and ask you what you are doing...
Your using cause you want too. Your losing your life as you know it cause
you are making bad choices.
Demand more out of yourself Vic. Manage yourself better today than you
did yesterday.
Day by day....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: NW GA
Posts: 357
Vic I think you have to go where you need to be to get the help you want. If that is "home" and you can get there. Go..go now. Rehab? I think I saw you considering this option....I think you need to consider it a little more seriously now. It sounds like you are really fighting that inner battle right now. I know that bettle well. Addiction is a strong and viscious killer and it is out to get you right now. Fight it with every single tool available to you. If being in Rehab will save you then do it and do it now. Don't give yourself time to formulate any excuses. Find a Rehab and go straight there, go to the ER...go somewhere and let them know what is happening. You are worthy of the chance that this might provide to you now. You are alive today but tomorrow might be different....get your butt to a Rehab program or some kind of intensive program where you have a fighting chance.
Surrender Vic...this crap has is beating your tail right now - but you can still fight back. It's time to wave the white flag friend and let someone help you. Give it up.
Surrender Vic...this crap has is beating your tail right now - but you can still fight back. It's time to wave the white flag friend and let someone help you. Give it up.
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
My Plan Of Action For Now
I have shut down my cell phone, I have emailed my sponsor back home. I am NOT going to go and get any kind of money today. Right now I am not wanting to use thank God. I posted in desperation which is good. I have decided that I am going to spend some hours reading out of my Basic Text, drink some coffee, and then when it is 7 I will go to my meeting. I am not going to answer the door unless it is someone from recovery. I am going to do this damn deal, I am so damn tired of always having to start over. I am too damn old to be screwing around with my life.
I am NOT GIVING in to my disease today come hell or high water I am NOT Going to use today PERIOD!!!!! If I have to I will get my little white ass back here and stay here at SR if that is what it takes. I know that I can do this deal with the help of you all I know it.
Vic
I am NOT GIVING in to my disease today come hell or high water I am NOT Going to use today PERIOD!!!!! If I have to I will get my little white ass back here and stay here at SR if that is what it takes. I know that I can do this deal with the help of you all I know it.
Vic
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Hi Vic,
I'm over here hanging on right now too. Reading and thinking and reading and thinking and sometimes writing and thinking and reading some more. Temporary distractions, perhaps, but I am consciously here and this is a better place to be than the other way. I don't know that this is "doing the work" that it takes to begin recovery, but it's not a step backwards, which for right now seems a positive direction. I wish you well today.
I'm over here hanging on right now too. Reading and thinking and reading and thinking and sometimes writing and thinking and reading some more. Temporary distractions, perhaps, but I am consciously here and this is a better place to be than the other way. I don't know that this is "doing the work" that it takes to begin recovery, but it's not a step backwards, which for right now seems a positive direction. I wish you well today.
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Thanks guys and gals I just took another step I threw away my tools (junkie remember) and pipes!!! OMG that is a huge step for me right now. I have to go and read right now but I know that WE can do it today!!!! Right now it is time to save my ass like it says in the NA Text "We can't save our face and our ass at the same time" So NOW I am going to save my ASS!!! PERIOD!!!
Love Vic
Love Vic
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
OK so far so good, I am going to make today my sobriety date. Today is the only day that we are all given anyway right? I know that I am posting a lot here today and I hope that is OK. Actually I know it is OK because I have been through this here before. I am doing a lot better now than what I was earlier this morning. I have been reading my NA Basic Text, I have done my morning readings, I am going to pray more than I have been.
So far I am doing good I think that I might be a little tired so I might lay down here and take a little nap. Hummmm I sure don't want to use that is for sure. Well sometimes I think some of us might need a bigger wake up call than others. It seems like I always need that huge wake up call to get my butt into action. Well whatever it takes it takes right? I also have an appointment tomorrow at 1:00 pm for an in-patient treatment thing they have to evaluate my money thing since it is based on a sliding scale which means I won't have to pay for it I don't think. Even if I do it is worth it for me to live. After that they said they will see when they will have a bed open. I think this is a good thing really.
Sorry to be rambling
Love Vic
So far I am doing good I think that I might be a little tired so I might lay down here and take a little nap. Hummmm I sure don't want to use that is for sure. Well sometimes I think some of us might need a bigger wake up call than others. It seems like I always need that huge wake up call to get my butt into action. Well whatever it takes it takes right? I also have an appointment tomorrow at 1:00 pm for an in-patient treatment thing they have to evaluate my money thing since it is based on a sliding scale which means I won't have to pay for it I don't think. Even if I do it is worth it for me to live. After that they said they will see when they will have a bed open. I think this is a good thing really.
Sorry to be rambling
Love Vic
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
I guess that I can not take a nap right now 
I can not shut down my mind right now. Well I am going to try and do something here. I don't know if I should keep posting what is going on or not. I am just really pissed at myself right now. I know that this is part of my journey, but OMG I don't want my journey to keep repeating a relapse. Well today I don't have to relapse, I don't have to use right now right?
God I feel like a lost cause, and I know that isn't true. GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
I can not shut down my mind right now. Well I am going to try and do something here. I don't know if I should keep posting what is going on or not. I am just really pissed at myself right now. I know that this is part of my journey, but OMG I don't want my journey to keep repeating a relapse. Well today I don't have to relapse, I don't have to use right now right? God I feel like a lost cause, and I know that isn't true. GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!
NA Rocks!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Location Location
Posts: 517
Atta boy, Vic! Get right back into your recovery and make it happen. You know you can do this. We're here for you. Your NA group is here for you. Just reach out and ask, k? I'm proud of you for wanting to live ... for reaching out for help with your recovery ... for telling on yourself and for keeping us informed of your journey. Your honesty is beautiful.
Please post as much as you need to, Vic. And let's make this Day One! Just don't use today, k? Okay.
~ Kelly ~
Please post as much as you need to, Vic. And let's make this Day One! Just don't use today, k? Okay.
~ Kelly ~
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
****{Vic}}}
I'm so very glad to see you back.
Reach out to the people in the meeting, and if you dson't feel the love then try an AA meeting...you may be suprised to find a lot of addicts in that program as well...
Here I'm lucky enough to be able to call myself a child of both programs...
I had one really bad day in which I attended 3 meetings...
Do whatever it takes Vic.
There's a lot of good information in the Big book of AA as well, and if you don't have a copy you can find it online for free...
I'm so very glad to see you back.
Reach out to the people in the meeting, and if you dson't feel the love then try an AA meeting...you may be suprised to find a lot of addicts in that program as well...
Here I'm lucky enough to be able to call myself a child of both programs...
I had one really bad day in which I attended 3 meetings...
Do whatever it takes Vic.
There's a lot of good information in the Big book of AA as well, and if you don't have a copy you can find it online for free...
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
((( Vic )))
I know about that mind thing...I do lots of deep breaths, sometimes I even holler out loud just to stop it for a minute! Our bodies doing its thing, lot's of water. I always try to keep in my mind that I am trying to do the right thing today, as much as I wish I could go backwards and erase it all, I know thats not going to happen. The now is all we got, my friend. It's a struggle, I know. Your not alone, Vic. Keep posting your journey if it helps.
Bless, Trish
I know about that mind thing...I do lots of deep breaths, sometimes I even holler out loud just to stop it for a minute! Our bodies doing its thing, lot's of water. I always try to keep in my mind that I am trying to do the right thing today, as much as I wish I could go backwards and erase it all, I know thats not going to happen. The now is all we got, my friend. It's a struggle, I know. Your not alone, Vic. Keep posting your journey if it helps.
Bless, Trish
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
OK here we go again, OMG I just got an email from my sponsor and yep I ****** up another trust, relationship. Yep I sure did, My heart hurts right now it sure does. I can not change what I did, I can not even focus on it right now. I have to stay focused right now on staying clean, that is what I need to focus on right now. There is a Happy Hour meeting here soon in about 45 min, that is my home group here it is an AA meeting and the only reason I made it my home group is because it meets 3 times a day. Also there are quite a few addicts there also and is pretty open about all 12 step programs.
I know that I need to get my ass there right now after what my sponsor just told me from back home. I am really hurt by my actions but I also know that I wouldn't have been like that either if I wasn't using. Ok see now I am justifying my behaviour that isn't right either. Damn it. I need to leave for a little while.
Love Vic
I know that I need to get my ass there right now after what my sponsor just told me from back home. I am really hurt by my actions but I also know that I wouldn't have been like that either if I wasn't using. Ok see now I am justifying my behaviour that isn't right either. Damn it. I need to leave for a little while.
Love Vic
JUST DO IT!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Went to a meeting and had a good meeting. I am really shaky on being home a lone right now that is for sure. I was going to go to the 7 NA Meeting but I went to my Happy Hour meeting and that was good. I am not for sure if I am still in a chair position here at SR, I am not for sure if I am suppose to chair or not. I haven't heard from anyone with the authority here to let me know one way or another so I am confused if I should chair or not. Well I am going to fix something to eat right now. I will be on here again soon really need to eat I have lost about 20 pounds or more. I needed to loose weight but not that way. Ok thanks everyone for your support I need all the help that I can get right now.
Love Vic
Love Vic
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