Would you leave?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Lancaster, CA
Posts: 4
Would you leave?
I am new here- I read several posts and I am wondering : Many of you are married. If you weren't married, and/or didn't have children with this addict, would you leave?
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I refuse to live with him due to his drinking. I have two children (6 and 8) and they are my biggest reason for this. I can' imagine them being exposed to this ugly side of him.
I am sure most of you can relate- He is the sweetest, most loving man I could dream of- when he is sober. When he is drunk he is violent, mean, scary, etc.
I actually didn't realize he was an alcoholic for the first two years. Silly me. When I did figure it out our relationship changed dramatically. Now we are in a cycle of his binging, my leaving or threatening to break up ( depending on the severity of the binge) and his promises to stop. The only time he has cleaned up is when I leave. THe longest was 6 months. He has gone to AA, and is in weekly counseling with a therapist. Of course, we always get back to his insisting that he CAN drink in moderation. I have even tried to accept that, but , well, you know the rest.
After 3 years of this, I guess I am a fool to think he will stop.
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. I refuse to live with him due to his drinking. I have two children (6 and 8) and they are my biggest reason for this. I can' imagine them being exposed to this ugly side of him.
I am sure most of you can relate- He is the sweetest, most loving man I could dream of- when he is sober. When he is drunk he is violent, mean, scary, etc.
I actually didn't realize he was an alcoholic for the first two years. Silly me. When I did figure it out our relationship changed dramatically. Now we are in a cycle of his binging, my leaving or threatening to break up ( depending on the severity of the binge) and his promises to stop. The only time he has cleaned up is when I leave. THe longest was 6 months. He has gone to AA, and is in weekly counseling with a therapist. Of course, we always get back to his insisting that he CAN drink in moderation. I have even tried to accept that, but , well, you know the rest.
After 3 years of this, I guess I am a fool to think he will stop.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi ecasey and welcome!
We had a very long thread on this a few days ago. It might not answer your question, but it will let you know where some of our heads are!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=8441
Meanwhile, keep posting and keep coming back!
We had a very long thread on this a few days ago. It might not answer your question, but it will let you know where some of our heads are!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...&threadid=8441
Meanwhile, keep posting and keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Well here is another side to that story
I saw him through one bout of rehab and years of drinking and then HE left ME. He went off to "find himself" (and also to check out a young'un in his office, who later dumped him). It was a shock to me, and much more so to our young son. But we made it through and are much better off as a result of him not being a constant in our lives anymore.
Had he not left, I'm sure I would have eventually left him. There was only so much more of the yo-yo that went between drunk and sober that I was willing to deal with. And I guess he hasn't "found himself" yet because he has lost two jobs due to drinking and been in rehab three times in the past twelve months. Personally, I lost my love for a man who put his destructive drinking above everything else. I truly hope he gets healthy at some point for our son's sake. The boy does love his father very much.
I think each person has to make their own decision about when to stay and when to leave. Hopefully, it is made in the best interest of your own sanity. Good thoughts are coming your way from me. I know how hard it is when you get to this point in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Peace,
Gabe
Had he not left, I'm sure I would have eventually left him. There was only so much more of the yo-yo that went between drunk and sober that I was willing to deal with. And I guess he hasn't "found himself" yet because he has lost two jobs due to drinking and been in rehab three times in the past twelve months. Personally, I lost my love for a man who put his destructive drinking above everything else. I truly hope he gets healthy at some point for our son's sake. The boy does love his father very much.
I think each person has to make their own decision about when to stay and when to leave. Hopefully, it is made in the best interest of your own sanity. Good thoughts are coming your way from me. I know how hard it is when you get to this point in a relationship with an alcoholic.
Peace,
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Lancaster, CA
Posts: 4
Thanks Journeygal for the reference -
It is so difficult a step to take when they always beg you to stay. I sometimes wonder if I am afraid a sane/sober man would not make me feel so needed?
On the other hand staying and detaching yourself emotionally from their behavior can be so damn lonely.
Gabe- you should be relieved he left! I think many of us would be relieved to have the decision made for us.
am I wrong???
It is so difficult a step to take when they always beg you to stay. I sometimes wonder if I am afraid a sane/sober man would not make me feel so needed?
On the other hand staying and detaching yourself emotionally from their behavior can be so damn lonely.
Gabe- you should be relieved he left! I think many of us would be relieved to have the decision made for us.
am I wrong???
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
I would have been hurt if my husband had left me once he found recovery. We went through some rough times and he was just as affected by my codependency as I was by his addiction. But still, I felt I had gone through soooo much worse than he did. Somehow it wouldn't have seemed fair if he had left me. I mean, how dare he leave ME, after everything he put me through?!?!? I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.
I've also struggled with the question of wondering if a "sane"/sober man would need me. I've been struggling with this with my husband, my fear being that the more progress he makes in his recovery, the more he would look at me and find me lacking in a lot of ways, and would eventually decide to leave to find someone better, more stable, more together, etc. (Yes, I have self-esteem issues!!!!)
I can tell you at this point I feel that my husband does not need me. Maybe he never needed me, but I sure made myself available! (Can you say ENABLER?!?!?!) That's the problem with us codep. We need to feel needed. Without that, we feel worthless, empty, alone. But, I've realized that it's not up to someone else to make me feel complete. I have to do that for myself. My husband feels complete without me. I'm just an added bonus. Well, maybe more than a bonus, but you get my drift. And I think that's how it should be. I need to learn how to fill the emptiness within me, and not look to someone else to fill it for me.
You're right about one thing. The more I detach, the more lonely I feel. I'm becoming really good at detaching from everything! And it's like, now what? What do I do with myself? That's my challenge these days - to get a life!!
I've also struggled with the question of wondering if a "sane"/sober man would need me. I've been struggling with this with my husband, my fear being that the more progress he makes in his recovery, the more he would look at me and find me lacking in a lot of ways, and would eventually decide to leave to find someone better, more stable, more together, etc. (Yes, I have self-esteem issues!!!!)
I can tell you at this point I feel that my husband does not need me. Maybe he never needed me, but I sure made myself available! (Can you say ENABLER?!?!?!) That's the problem with us codep. We need to feel needed. Without that, we feel worthless, empty, alone. But, I've realized that it's not up to someone else to make me feel complete. I have to do that for myself. My husband feels complete without me. I'm just an added bonus. Well, maybe more than a bonus, but you get my drift. And I think that's how it should be. I need to learn how to fill the emptiness within me, and not look to someone else to fill it for me.
You're right about one thing. The more I detach, the more lonely I feel. I'm becoming really good at detaching from everything! And it's like, now what? What do I do with myself? That's my challenge these days - to get a life!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
I guess I'm a different kind of codependent. I hate being needed by someone I expected to be a partner. I resent it. It takes time away from things I want to do for my kids and myself. I am a very giving person but I don't like to give out of necessity. That sounds kind of harsh doesn't it? But it's truth. What's funny is that if my husband had a debilitating illness, I would happily take care of him and even though I do believe addiction is a disease, I still can't help seeing a capable person that can't seem to act like a responsible adult, especially when he's chosen to bring children into the world. Although things have gotten better, to answer your question......yes, if I were just dating my husband and we didn't have children together, I would have left a long time ago.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: oh
Posts: 51
Journey...I am with you in feeling like if he left, it would be totally unfair! I also know it's not really the *right* way to look at it, but I remember thinking in his early recovery that I would slap him down if he thought he could walk out after all I had done. I don't feel that way as much anymore, maybe time does heal
I stayed when I wasn't married but I don't know if I would have if I had children in the situation. Best of luck and much love!
~piggle~
I stayed when I wasn't married but I don't know if I would have if I had children in the situation. Best of luck and much love!
~piggle~
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 8
Hi everyone,
I hadn't thougth about it until I read this thread today. I LOVED being so needed by my husband when he made the decision to go to treatment, went through treatment and the first months after. I was his ROCK, his strength, and I enjoyed that position. Now, he's been sober for almost 2 years, and I'm not needed in that way anymore. I don't feel needed by him to stay sober (nor should I anyway). So, if he doesn't need me, he must be able to do it on his own, and where does that leave me? I seriously had not thought about this line of thought at all until I was browsing the boards this morning. Recently I've been feeling unimportant. I know that is not the way it should be, but ocassionally I do feel that way. Thanks for the wake up call!
Gstopo
I hadn't thougth about it until I read this thread today. I LOVED being so needed by my husband when he made the decision to go to treatment, went through treatment and the first months after. I was his ROCK, his strength, and I enjoyed that position. Now, he's been sober for almost 2 years, and I'm not needed in that way anymore. I don't feel needed by him to stay sober (nor should I anyway). So, if he doesn't need me, he must be able to do it on his own, and where does that leave me? I seriously had not thought about this line of thought at all until I was browsing the boards this morning. Recently I've been feeling unimportant. I know that is not the way it should be, but ocassionally I do feel that way. Thanks for the wake up call!
Gstopo
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
ecaseyj,
I have been asked by many ppl, who know little about the disease, why I stay in my marriage. I have even contemplated myself why I would choose to stay, when I could so easily breathe easier without the burdens of alcoholism. But when it really comes down to it, it's the DISEASE that I would like to leave behind me, NOT the person (my husband) who struggles with it. I suppose in a sense I consider myself very lucky. My husband and I are still young, and just beginning our lives together. He is a very gentle, loving man, with not a violent bone in his body - my life has never been in danger when he is using. We have both been actively seeking recovery for over a year now, and have learned sooo much... It seems as if we are both on a journey to discover our own selves, and the rewards of this have been great. I have learned a lot about the disease of alcoholism, and most importantly what I need to do to take care of myself and our kids. My husband too, has learned so much about his disease and what he needs to do to stay sober. Because of the boundaries I have set, alcohol is not allowed in our home - no where near me or our kids... and that goes for friends AND family as well.
Now, of course it is not always smooth sailing... My husband has has many relapses, and struggles every day just as I do. I suppose I just cannot turn my back on my best friend and lover, when I know his intentions and his love for us. As long as he is always honest with me about his struggles in life, I will have a place in my home for him. I have told him before that if he ever decides that he just doesn't want/need recovery... that he needs to let it be known, and we will go our seperate ways - THAT is a very rigid boundary.
To answer your question, I think that I would never had gotten married had I been aware of the disease as I am now - but I can't say that he would not be in my life.
Meg
I have been asked by many ppl, who know little about the disease, why I stay in my marriage. I have even contemplated myself why I would choose to stay, when I could so easily breathe easier without the burdens of alcoholism. But when it really comes down to it, it's the DISEASE that I would like to leave behind me, NOT the person (my husband) who struggles with it. I suppose in a sense I consider myself very lucky. My husband and I are still young, and just beginning our lives together. He is a very gentle, loving man, with not a violent bone in his body - my life has never been in danger when he is using. We have both been actively seeking recovery for over a year now, and have learned sooo much... It seems as if we are both on a journey to discover our own selves, and the rewards of this have been great. I have learned a lot about the disease of alcoholism, and most importantly what I need to do to take care of myself and our kids. My husband too, has learned so much about his disease and what he needs to do to stay sober. Because of the boundaries I have set, alcohol is not allowed in our home - no where near me or our kids... and that goes for friends AND family as well.
Now, of course it is not always smooth sailing... My husband has has many relapses, and struggles every day just as I do. I suppose I just cannot turn my back on my best friend and lover, when I know his intentions and his love for us. As long as he is always honest with me about his struggles in life, I will have a place in my home for him. I have told him before that if he ever decides that he just doesn't want/need recovery... that he needs to let it be known, and we will go our seperate ways - THAT is a very rigid boundary.
To answer your question, I think that I would never had gotten married had I been aware of the disease as I am now - but I can't say that he would not be in my life.
Meg
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 8
Meg said it all again. I, too, would not have left my husband. I wanted to be rid of the disease, not him. When he drank, he was never abusive to me or the kids. He just wasn't my husband. When he quit, I got my husband back, but a different one. Alcoholism changes a person sssssooooo much as does recovery. As part of his treatment, we had to discuss what we as a couple would do if he relapsed. Treatment was the first answer. Him leaving was mentioned although I don't think I could actually go through with it if it happened. I love him way too much and I was there for him before, I know I could be there for him again. and again. and again. I don't know what it would take for me to leave him. As for drinking in moderation, I don't believe that an alcoholic can ever have a drink EVER. My husband said the same thing. One drink leads to two, which leads to more and then you're right back where you started. You have to decide what is best for you and your kids. If leaving works, then as difficult as that may be, then that's what you need to do. Although all of our situations have similarities, each one is unique. Listen to advice and follow your heart. Good luck,
gstopo
gstopo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
Posts: 29
My attitude is the same as Searching's. I long for a partner in life. Not someone I have to take care of. I hate him for not being there for me. My husband is a chronic alcoholic so I am the only one that works, the only one that takes care of our son, the only one that cooks, the only one that cleans, etc., etc., etc. And to top it off, I'm expected to take care of him!
My husband too is a wonderful man when he's sober but I just hate how my life turned out because of his needs. Years of dealing with this disease have just left me an empty, angry person. He recently went into rehab for a month and is now back home and I can't even find it in my heart to be supportive.
If I had foreseen my future with this man, I would have been long gone.
My husband too is a wonderful man when he's sober but I just hate how my life turned out because of his needs. Years of dealing with this disease have just left me an empty, angry person. He recently went into rehab for a month and is now back home and I can't even find it in my heart to be supportive.
If I had foreseen my future with this man, I would have been long gone.
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Maryland
Posts: 3
responding to marriedtoit
mine is down stairs snoring now, so I know that it's safe to be online without him bothering me.
I wish, as you , that I could have seen into the future. My husband of 3 years and I dated for almost 2 years when we were in highschool... That's about 12 years ago, and looking back now, I really feel that I repressed alot of stuff due to the fact that "he took care of me" he did the roses everyday, cards, chocolate, clothing. but truely, I look back at the times now when he used to make me cry because I had on jeans and not a skirt that he bought me. And this was before the alcoholism hit him. His case, he says is heredity. It didn't hit him until about 3-4 years ago when he mother passed. I really do love my husband, but, thank god we decided to hold off on the kids, because now, if I feel that things are getting to bad, then I can just pick up my pets and jump ship.
I wish, as you , that I could have seen into the future. My husband of 3 years and I dated for almost 2 years when we were in highschool... That's about 12 years ago, and looking back now, I really feel that I repressed alot of stuff due to the fact that "he took care of me" he did the roses everyday, cards, chocolate, clothing. but truely, I look back at the times now when he used to make me cry because I had on jeans and not a skirt that he bought me. And this was before the alcoholism hit him. His case, he says is heredity. It didn't hit him until about 3-4 years ago when he mother passed. I really do love my husband, but, thank god we decided to hold off on the kids, because now, if I feel that things are getting to bad, then I can just pick up my pets and jump ship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Cookies, I'm glad you found your way here, like I said, a great group of people. You should start a thread like you did on the newcomers forum. If you want me to move it here for you, I will.
Marriedtoit,
First of all I absolutely LOVE your user name...hysterical....wish I thought of it. Anyway, I know what you mean and when I first came here, that's how I felt. But stick around because there's a lot more to it than meets the eye.
I too am an addict in recovery who, until I got married and had kids, I had a job I loved, very active in AA, many good friends, loved to work out, run, bike, swim. You know, I had a life!!!!!!!! I have recently realized that since I got married and had kids I no longer had a life, they were my life. I don't think we should make other people our life no matter who they are because then it takes away all your choices. If one day your husbad is drunk and miserable and the kids are overtired and cranky and someone asks how's your day, well there it is. That is not their fault. I did that and this mess that I'm in is my WAKE UP CALL from HP saying helloooooooo you didn't get sober to live in misery...get it together. I probably would have gotten into a funk with or without my husband. But I like to look at it like having this situation in my life has been painful enough to remind me that I have become complacent and it's time to get on the ball.
Since I've come here, I have a job interview wed. that I'm really excited about, I started going back to meetings and met some great woman where I live, I sorta started exercising again, I'm taking a cooking class and one day a week. I'm also thinking that if I get this job which is working from home so I can still be with my kids, I'm thinking of getting a babysitter and taking 1 day a week off to run errands or whatever. Hee Hee.
My point is we do have choices. At this point it seems there's no looking back on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. We got what we got. You never know, in ten yrs. I could wake up and he could be everything he was and more, and in the mean time, I'm getting my life back.
Cookie, if physical abuse is in the mix, it's clearly not going to go away by getting a life, that is a whole other ball of wax.
Marriedtoit,
First of all I absolutely LOVE your user name...hysterical....wish I thought of it. Anyway, I know what you mean and when I first came here, that's how I felt. But stick around because there's a lot more to it than meets the eye.
I too am an addict in recovery who, until I got married and had kids, I had a job I loved, very active in AA, many good friends, loved to work out, run, bike, swim. You know, I had a life!!!!!!!! I have recently realized that since I got married and had kids I no longer had a life, they were my life. I don't think we should make other people our life no matter who they are because then it takes away all your choices. If one day your husbad is drunk and miserable and the kids are overtired and cranky and someone asks how's your day, well there it is. That is not their fault. I did that and this mess that I'm in is my WAKE UP CALL from HP saying helloooooooo you didn't get sober to live in misery...get it together. I probably would have gotten into a funk with or without my husband. But I like to look at it like having this situation in my life has been painful enough to remind me that I have become complacent and it's time to get on the ball.
Since I've come here, I have a job interview wed. that I'm really excited about, I started going back to meetings and met some great woman where I live, I sorta started exercising again, I'm taking a cooking class and one day a week. I'm also thinking that if I get this job which is working from home so I can still be with my kids, I'm thinking of getting a babysitter and taking 1 day a week off to run errands or whatever. Hee Hee.
My point is we do have choices. At this point it seems there's no looking back on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. We got what we got. You never know, in ten yrs. I could wake up and he could be everything he was and more, and in the mean time, I'm getting my life back.
Cookie, if physical abuse is in the mix, it's clearly not going to go away by getting a life, that is a whole other ball of wax.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
Posts: 29
Searching,
I'm glad you like my user name! Let the truth be told!
I have always been extremely independent and I learned to detach from my husband during this last drinking binge. I do have a very good life on my own. I have a wonderful son, have a great job, work full time from home, make great money, I have tons of friends, I'm active, volunteer at school, I'm a member of the Cub Scout committee, I have a loving family.....the only thing I am missing is a GOOD husband. It's just so darn frustrating when I look back on the past and realize this is not how it was supposed to be. I pretty much have done EVERYTHING on my own. I bought our homes and cars. I pay all of the bills. Never has my husband contributed financially. I just wish I had someone sharing the load with me. I don't even care if he gets a job outside of the home. I'd be happy if he would cook dinner or empty the dishwasher once in a while.
He has been different since he came home from rehab and is actually at a meeting right now. I'm going to try and be supportive and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe this is really it. (I can dream can't I?) I will heed your advice and try not to look back on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas!!
Good luck on your job interview! I been working from home for the last 4 years and never want to go back to an office! I really hope you get the job and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I'm glad you like my user name! Let the truth be told!
I have always been extremely independent and I learned to detach from my husband during this last drinking binge. I do have a very good life on my own. I have a wonderful son, have a great job, work full time from home, make great money, I have tons of friends, I'm active, volunteer at school, I'm a member of the Cub Scout committee, I have a loving family.....the only thing I am missing is a GOOD husband. It's just so darn frustrating when I look back on the past and realize this is not how it was supposed to be. I pretty much have done EVERYTHING on my own. I bought our homes and cars. I pay all of the bills. Never has my husband contributed financially. I just wish I had someone sharing the load with me. I don't even care if he gets a job outside of the home. I'd be happy if he would cook dinner or empty the dishwasher once in a while.
He has been different since he came home from rehab and is actually at a meeting right now. I'm going to try and be supportive and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe this is really it. (I can dream can't I?) I will heed your advice and try not to look back on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas!!
Good luck on your job interview! I been working from home for the last 4 years and never want to go back to an office! I really hope you get the job and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
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