ICU

Let's say you were out of your current situation with your alcoholic s/o, you had time to grow and to recover, heal, your life is going well, then BOOM - you meet someone; there's chemistry between the two of you; you click; you are most definitely interested in each other!!!

As times goes on you become closer and closer; you are beginning to fall in love. Then it is revealed to you that this person is a recovering alcoholic with alot of strong recovery under their belt.

Do you: A) Deal with the fact that they are a recovering alcoholic and move on with the relationship inspite of that knowledge?

OR

B) End the relationship because you know that relapse can and does occur at anytime? Makes no difference if they have 3 years or 20 years recovery, we hear about relapsing happening all the time. There are no guarantees.

OR

C) Neither scenario would apply, because you wouldn't be in that position in the first place! Asking about their past drug/alchohol use would be one of the very first questions you would ask BEFORE you got involved!

Not that I'm anywhere near being ready for a relationship yet, but I've been having many dreams lately about getting married. OK, I'll fess up! I dreamed I was marrying my ex; only in the dream he had YEARS of solid sobriety! (As if that were the ONLY issue I was dealing with concerning him). Thank God it was only a dream, or, should I say nightmare???

The dream prompted me to think about whether or not I would knowingly get involved with another alcoholic, recovering alcoholic that is. At this point in my life, my very first inclination would be to say, "sorry, I am not strong enough to handle the potential of another relationship like that again for fear of relapse - both yours and mine!".

But then I think, well, if this person had 3 years, 10 years, etc. recovery, that's pretty darn good. And I know me, I would think of their problem as 'in the past', and they are 'cured'. Of course they are not cured, but I might tend to think of it in those terms if presently, alcoholism is not actively wreaking havoc in my life. THAT is a dangerous way to think.

Just curious how others felt.

P.S. This post is not meant to be disrespectful towards any recovering alcoholic at all. I truly hope it is not taken that way.

Pick-a-name

UGH..........good reason for me not to even consider ever dating again!

gelfling

D---no relationships. Yes, dates, but that's as far as it would go. I don't know if I could trust myself in being able to find someone who wasn't like my hubby.

equus

Hey - I married an alcoholic still drinking but had made HUGE strides!

No regrets - so what can I say?

It will always be the person first and foremost for me. I can think of no reason better to make a promise of that level. It's not a future situation for me.

Jazzman

Oh come on! What would I do? It would really depend on the persons demonstrated commitment to sobriety. You would know this if you really knew this person. Take my case for instance, ex-major coke head but clean for 24 years. I can tell you that after I got past the first two years of hell, I never once even thought about using again. It's like it was an entire lifetime ago, never had the urge, desire... nothing. I consider myself recovered... not in recovery. I can tell you that there IS NO WAY I could ever even consider going back there! Of that I have the highest degree of confidence.


Would I be a relapse risk?
Not in a million years!

I would ask you this...
Why are you having these dreams?

ICU

I can't comment on your particular situation Jazz. But I do know that in AA, I have heard them say that they should never consider themselves not to be at risk for relapse; never consider themselves cured. For when they think that way, they are in effect saying that they have power over alcohol, which they don't - again, that's according to AA! It is suggested for them to think in terms of "one day at a time"; "I don't know what the future holds, but for today, I am not drinking", etc.

Why am I having these dreams? Who knows??? I really don't think it has anything to do with my ex as much as what I've learned from being with my ex - the situation - not repeating past mistakes. It might also have something to do with 'setting boundaries', 'forgiveness', 'acceptance', 'not being judgemental', "putting into practice the art of following my 'gut' and not my 'heart', etc. I'm trying to figure that out.

Pick-a-name

What I am saying is I never knew that AH was an alcoholic until after well over 20 years of marriage........he was the exact opposite of what he is today as an active addict, and on top of that I still want to be with him, but he is divorcing me so that tells you about the level of my clarity about this whole subject! I am too damaged right now to think about it.

Great for you and your recovery...........I DO believe it "works"; it is a beautiful thing to see, and I have. I guess I am in the middle of a lot of grief and confusion; feeling like the past 30 years just blew up in my face. Not a good one to talk about this subject.

Pick-a-name

Yes; I admit...same thought came to me. I have heard that over and over in open AA meetings,etc......in fact, isn't that part of the idea of continuing going to meetings after a point.........to remember the cunning,etc parts of the disease; the reason for the 12th step work? (re: the story in the Big Book of the car salesman, I think)

I've seen relapses,too........they are NOT beautiful things.

Jazzman

Agreed, in part. Now if I were to look at my ex wifes situation? I know her very well. If by chance some miracle occurred and she got sober, I would say she always has a high risk of relapse. She has demonstrated that several times. Someone like my ex would have to get in a program, embrace it, work it and stay in it for life. And still I would give her a very high relapse risk.

I really believe it's up to the individual.

sunshine003

Right now, my answer is I would end the relationship.

megamysterioso

Picking from your list of scenerios, I would have to choose C. If I am ever in the position of dating/starting a relationship again, I intend to be VERY picky and not overlook and/or justify the red flags like I have always done in the past. That has always gotten me nowhere!

I would really want to know ASAP about this facet of the person's life. I think that repeatedly going out in a social setting would allow a peek into this. Is he ordering drinks during lunch? When he drinks, is he really pounding the drinks or just sipping one? What kind of stories does he tell? Are they always wild and crazy ones that involve drugs/alcohol?

I'm like Jazz though. I have a past history with all of it and quit about 12 years ago without any problems. I hate to be a hypocrite, but at the same time, it is MY right to choose who I will allow into MY life.

bahookie

I think I'd have to say remember that the quality of sobriety can go down as well as up.

It doesn't matter how long someone has, that quality can change.

I'd still give it a go with my partner if I met her now, at least I think I would!

J
xxx

goffredo

To be honest: I don't know the answer to that at all. Whether I say YES or No it wouldn't mean anything. For me it's a scenario I can have an opinion on only after experiencing it.

Love Jo

denny57

It would definitely depend on the person. It's a discussion I would have early in the relationship. Yes, there is always relapse, I suppose, but if the person has been serious about their recovery I would take that into account. Jazz makes excellent points.

DesertEyes

My wife was a total "normie" the first 15yrs or so of our marriage. She developed an addiction to pain pills as a result of various surgeries.

I am not going to get involved with anybody untill _I_ am capable of protecting myself from my own diesease of "codie-ism", capable of establishing and maintaining "boundaries", and able to detach from a good situation turned bad without going into a meltdown.

Mike :-)

Zoey

Jazz...Just my thought, I do think Drugs are different than alcohol. However I have never read that or heard it. I have never checked with another counselor.

I feel like I would run from a recoverying A, but who knows?? With a good program they are such wonderfull people, but relationships are one of the worst triggers for relapse.
Always exceptions, I have 2 male AA friends and they have gone thru Hell with relationships and never relapsed ???

Exceptions might be that they are outgoing, comfortable in any setting, have hobbies, even if fishing or reading, and a HP,also still attend one to 3 meetings per week.

pmaslan

I don't know I guess a potential partner could be just a cautious of
me (given what I have tolerated and my personality) as I would be of him.

ICU

I kind of feel that way too.

My ex, years prior to us meeting, had been in an inpatient program for 30 days and was sober for 4+ years. Had relationship problems, went back out and has been out ever since. Well, except for a brief 4 month stint with me. But then went back out again.

I've attended many open AA meetings. The recovery spoiken there was so encouraging. However, I was amazed at some of the people that had 15, 20+ years of sobriety, then went back out. Their explanation, "well, it's been long enough, I've proven myself, I CAN have just one"!!! NOT!! I guess they either stopped working their program, or forgot the basics!

Heard a man recite a story of a man who was sober 30 years or so. Was hospitalized for an unrelated illness, was given mouthwash that had alcohol in it, and while in the hospital went from room to room, seeking more mouthwash. When released from the hospital, resumed his drinking career again.

These are examples and I'm sure it doesn't speak to everyone's case, for each person is different. It just makes me think...would I ever be willing to take a chance like that again? And if I don't risk it because of my fears and concerns, I could also lose out on knowing a wonderful person that won't relapse. You just never know!

Pick-a-name

There you go.............I agree totally! That is exactly my thinking,too.

LaTeeDa

I agree with Mike. I would have to feel secure enough with myself before persuing *any* relationship. My AH and I have been married 17 years and only in the last 5 has his drinking become intolerable *to me.* Knowing that, I would think ANY relationship has the potential to turn out bad and involve addiction. In fact, someone who had BTDT and gotten past it might actually be less of a risk because they have learned things that "normies" haven't.

It all comes down to me having boundaries, recognizing unacceptable behavior immediately, recognizing magical thinking, etc.

L