tiggerg65

my ABF was sober for 18 days was really making some sense for once in his life. well he got drunk tonight came out of the blue. he says its my fault , i know its not i didnt force him to drink. now my question is how do i handle this? do i ignore it and act as though nothing happen? i know i will not fight withh him and wont take the blame. but do i say anything to him or just let it work its self out? linda

Tally

Is there any point in doing anything but ignoring it?

Pick-a-name

Good point...sorry it happenend, but keep posting, etc (whatever your recovery involves) for you is probably the best and only thing you can do. Sending you a big hug!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Ditto.

confusednlonely

Did you read the post from Jazzman on (re-post) 10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One

The post is a really great one to read, but here is a paragraph that might help.

7) Don’t preach or lecture. Preaching and lecturing are easily discounted by the addicted person. A sick person is not motivated to take positive action through guilt or intimidation. If an alcoholic or addict could be “talked into” getting sober, many more people would get sober.

osier59

The 3 Cs tell us this: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

A's don't drink or use because of something we said or did, or something the kids or dogs or neighbors or boss or anyone else said or did. They drink and use because they are A's. It's really that simple.

Quack quack quack. Those are the words coming out of his mouth right now. That's his addiction talking.

The best thing you can do is just go on with your day. If you react to the accusations in any way, then the focus is taken OFF from him and his behavior and is redirected onto YOU and you will find yourself justifying or reacting or defending when it's really not about YOU at all.

Do something extra nice for yourself today!

Barb

goffredo

I agree with the above but I'd also add this which is not lecturing, trying to talk him into getting sober or preaching. It's also not defending, reacting or justifying anything. You can say, CALMLY and without expecting any particular reaction, but still saying it and letting go of the consequences: "I am not the reason why you drink, drink more or resume drinking, that is your responsibility, you're in denial".

I said that to my partner in the same circumstances. I needed to keep the boundary and let her know what I thought.

Love Jo

denny57

I also think a simple statement, said once, is enough. I like Jo's, though I probably wouldn't say the "you're in denial." To my AH that would have been the 3 words he concentrated on. I got to where I stuck to "I" statements and left all the "yous" out.

megamysterioso

Hi Linda. I would just continue on without saying anything about it. I'm sure that he KNOWS that he messed up. He knows that you know he was drunk and I'm sure he knows that you're not happy about it. You don't need to say anything to him about it. Just continue making your own plans and taking care of yourself. No amount of talking about it with him will prevent it from happening again. If you're worried that he may think your silence=your acceptance, don't worry about it. He KNOWS it is NOT acceptable to you.

goffredo

Yeah Denny57 is right. Better to say: "I think that means to be in denial".

I'm not sure he knows all that unless you tell him. For me to be in denial is to deny reality and be so convinced of what the person wants to believe that they actually believe it.

I believe I will always tell my partner what I think, how I feel and so on. It is also my choice though to say something at the appropriate time, in the appropriate way and before I even say anything I try to think why I want to say what I want to say: is it to control? To manipulate? To convince? Is it a reaction? Is it defensive? Or is it about keeping my boundaries? Not being a doormat? Not taking the blame? Speaking the truth? Not saying anything but then build up a resentment?

Love Jo

tiggerg65

thanks everyone those words mean alot. i have said nothing yet. he'ss out again so maybe tomorrow will be a better time to speak to him. he has said nothing other than when he called last night and told me he messed up. i camly told him yes you did and its your problem not mine and to not call me when he;s drinking again and i simply hung up the phone and wouldnt answer it. thanks again linda