So I actually think he's doing it....

Old 03-20-2006, 07:44 AM
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So I actually think he's doing it....

but I still don't know if I'm deluded or not. G is still going to his meetings. Still only twice a week. I asked if they ever told him he should go to anymore than that and they I guess told him to go to as many as he felt he could, and his friend there/sponser told him he could call him or come over any time in between. Even at 3 a.m. if that's what's neccessary. So far, no drinks that I know of. He seems to have made it through last weeks hockey tournament. He said a few of them asked him why he wasn't drinking but they didn't really push the issue. He turned down one from my dad, dad had a major brain fart I'm guessing and he also turned down going to a party his friends called him about the other night. They were sitting around watching hockey and drinking beer. Yesterday he was over and after about an hour he started to get mega grouchy. Snapping all over the place. Finally I told him to go and leave me alone if he was going to be that way. He came back a little later and told me there was something he had to tell me. He said he stopped outside of two liquor stores that day. The first one he said he pulled up and sat there for a few minutes before he shook his head and left. The second he said he couldn't even believe he stopped again. He said he just pulled up like it was the most natural thing on earth for him to do. Sick he said. After a minute he drove away. After his explanation he called his sponser from here and they went and "crashed" a party he said. An A.A. party. He talked to his parents last night but decided not to tell them yet that he quit. He said he feels he owes it to everyone to eventually tell since he made such a mess of things for everyone, but he doesn't want all the attention that would cause.

I'm being somewhat supportive from a distance. I'm still not ready to be 100% involved yet. I don't know if that's the right or wrong way to be really. It may not matter much anyway. He goes on Wednesday to court for his breach of probation so he still may wind up in jail. There is a part of me that is kind of feeling a little bad for that, but another part that still knows I did the only thing I could do at that point. If I hadn't gone and called the police, I'm positive that he's be drinking for sure right now. I might have killed the relationship but at least he'll have a chance now if he keeps it up.

I hope he's not BSing again. Only time will tell I suppose.
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Old 03-20-2006, 07:51 AM
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I wish you both the best Aquina. Being supportive from a distance is what I would do in this situation. It is right to be skeptical and only time will tell.
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Old 03-20-2006, 08:26 AM
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I hope everything goes ok. I haven't been through someone's recovery, but it would seem if he is grouchy, pulling up in front of liquor stores and generally having trouble telling people he's quit, he might benefit from more meetings. From what I've seen I would think a sponsor would suggest this.
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Old 03-20-2006, 08:36 AM
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Amends come way later in the program ..... I believe it's step 9. He doesn't need to tell anyone what he's doing. I don't know, he's almost hitting the mark with AA stuff but I'm not quite sure I'm buying it and a good sponsor would be telling him 90 in 90. Any recovering A's reading this, please tell me if I'm off the mark.
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Old 03-20-2006, 09:18 AM
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Aquiana....I wish you the best. Sounds like you are handling things very well and level headed. Hang in there. Time will tell
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Old 03-20-2006, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
Amends come way later in the program ..... I believe it's step 9. He doesn't need to tell anyone what he's doing. I don't know, he's almost hitting the mark with AA stuff but I'm not quite sure I'm buying it and a good sponsor would be telling him 90 in 90. Any recovering A's reading this, please tell me if I'm off the mark.

I actually asked him about the 90 in 90 thing after you mentioned it last time. He said he never heard from it. Hard to know whether he actually does or whether they really didn't tell him that. Is it possible they are just not trying to push him too hard? He has gone to a couple of meetings with the same people in the past....probably about 3 times and then never went back. I wondered if perhaps they were just letting him in gently since it's better he's going to a few rather than none at all. Maybe they're thinking he may run off again.

I understand, by knowing his personality, why he doesn't want to tell anyone that he quit. He doesn't like people doting on him. He doesn't want people to tip-toe around him and thinks some people may be uncomfortable and treat him different. That's what he said anyway. I don't think he's really ashamed or that he's afraid he'll fail in front of everyone.

I know I shouldn't even be asking him about things by the way. Old habits are dying hard on that one. One thing I don't ask about is what they say in the meetings or really anything about his sponser. I don't feel that is my business unless he says it. Most of the time I can a least refrain from bringing it up at all unless he does.

At least that "brain fog" he had before seems better. Now it's just random crabby moments.
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Old 03-20-2006, 09:50 AM
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I honestly don't know Aquiana, but if he never heard of 90 in 90, my guess is he's trying to do it all on his own. Perhaps someone who is in recovery can better answer your questions. I can only go by what the alcoholics in my life have done.

Recovery is up to the A .... the program is the program ...... it's not "modified" for someone because of their personality quirks. It is what it is and from what I know it's not changed for anyone.

BTW, my husband never once mentioned and still doesn't that he is going to AA. It's part of his life now. He simply doesn't drink and works the program.

I wish I could believe G was going, but my gut tells me he's not. I HOPE I AM WRONG and I hope you can toss it back in my face someday, I really do.
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Old 03-20-2006, 09:59 AM
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When my ex went to AA, he was told 90 mtgs in 90 days no excuses. It was his responsibility to get the list of phone numbers for each meeting in advance. That way, if he had car trouble and couldn't make his way there on his own, he was to call every single person on that list until he found someone that could give him a ride. They didn't make it hard, or sugar-coat it for anyone. Like Judy said, it is what it is, for everyone, equally!
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:11 AM
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Thanks ICU for backing up what I thought was right. My husband does not go to meetings everyday now, but about 3 times a week, HOWEVER, if a beginner calls him to drive him to a meeting, he'll go every single night if it means getting that person to a meeting if they want to go. He'll do this until the person has a sponsor he is comfortable with or until that person has a car.

BTW Aquiana, my husband did not make any amends until around 16 months sober ...... it was at that time he was on Step 9 and it was time to do it.
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:53 AM
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Hmmm... well it's all food for thought I guess. I suppose there's no way for me to really know besides going to find out and that's not an option for me. The way he describes it is that it sounds more like a fellowship of sorts. He said they do go to the steps every once in a while but generally they do alot of talking. Sometimes that's all they do in the meetings if someone has had a particularily tough couple of days. It doesn't really sound like the kind of thing you're describing......He's attending something for sure because he is getting some of the info right. He doesn't read, believe me he doesn't unless it's a newspaper, so it's not coming from there.

I should probably stop thinking about it so much. I can feel the old prying/snooping instinct coming on so pulling away is probably a better plan. His son and I are out of it still at the moment so I guess it's only his loss if he's still drinking and/or refusing to get help with it. I'm making it my problem again. I will keep the info somewhere in my mind though.
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Old 03-20-2006, 11:18 AM
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Yes, you should I agree.
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Old 03-20-2006, 11:39 AM
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I can feel the old prying/snooping instinct coming on so pulling away is probably a better plan.
Oh man, I know that feeling well Aquiana! When I get the urge to critique hubby's behavior, or check-up on him, it's a signal to me that I'M OUT OF CONTROL. Trying to manage both of our lives makes life unmanageable. So tough to break those old habits, but so completely necessary if I want peace and serenity.

Keep the focus on you and that precious little baby boy!
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Old 03-20-2006, 11:52 AM
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OK my AA side has to come out now.

"90 in 90" is only a "suggestion" in certain parts of the country. Not all meetings and people in the meetings suggest this or even know about it. It is not in the first 164 pages of the Big Book of AA, it actually came from some rehab program. (not sure which one.)

Aquina, sounds like G is just about where he is suppose to be. Of course, the urges are still there, he spent years dealing with all things in his life, by using acohol. Now, whether hes sad, angry, happy, whatever, these are all NEW feelings that he is starting to deal with, without alcohol. The fact he called his sponsor, and his sponsor has told him (so it is G's choice) to call or come over anytime is GREAT. He's giving G choices, and seeing "how willing" G is.

Recovery is a long long process, and the visible changes will appear slowly in early sobriety. This man is walking on a bed of hot coals, with emotions he has stuffed for years coming to the surface and he has no idea whatsoever what to do with them.

We alkies do a lot of "floundering" the first year or so of sobriety.

I think your sitting back and just watching (not analyzing) is great.

Keep doing for you and the baby.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-20-2006, 12:06 PM
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Thank you Laurie, you cleared that "mis-statement" up for me.
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Old 03-20-2006, 01:03 PM
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Yes, thanks Laurie for clearing that up. I know absolutely nothing about the whole thing. Another good reason for me to keep myself out of it. I can't really offer him anything, because I don't know anything.

The one thing I wish he would do is be a little more up front about his feelings when he's having a day like that. I understand he'll have some tough ones. I understand it'll probably change his mood for the worse when he does. We could have saved a whole lot of arguing though before I told him he needed to go if he had just told me why he was so edgy. Without knowing, I just found him rude and not into anything but picking a fight. I'm not saying that I'd continue to let him treat me poorly because he's in a mood, but I might have taken it a little less personally if I'd known that.
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Old 03-20-2006, 02:49 PM
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Im proud of you for staying out of it... and dont worry about asking him to leave when he was not treating you well... I personally think that is wonderful, it does not matter WHY the behavior is unacceptable, the fact is it not and you will not put up with it.

BOY was I horrible when my ex-abf first started going to AA... Im not saying he was a saint but I was SO involved in his recovery, asking what they said, where the meeting was, going to his meetings with him, questioning the methods and letting him know loud and clear what I thought if I did not agree .... I look back now and feel ashamed of myself.

Keep doing with your doing, take care of you and your baby.... keep the focus off him.
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Old 03-20-2006, 04:55 PM
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Yep early sobriety can be very rough not only on the recovering alkie but on the family as well.

I know this, oh do I know this, and yet my alanon side can forget it in a minute if I am not constantly vigilant, rofl.

I do know that in early sobriety, for myself and others, it really didn't matter what "type" of meeting I attended, they all seemed like they were just sitting and talking. While I was in the meeting I could hear the words, sort of, but it was what I felt, I felt hope, and by the time I left the meeting, I couldn't tell you what had been said, but I did feel some calm for a short time within myself.

I also know, that I could not tell you what the emotions were I was feeling, I thought I was angry, I would sit and talk to my sponsor and answer her questions and instead of anger, it would be fear or sorrow for all the years I wasted. I not only had to feel the emotions I had to learn what they were.

I also have to tell you that it did not do me much good to read the Big Book until I was almost 6 months sober. OH I could read it. I could understand the sentence I was reading, but by the time I got to the end of the sentence I could not tell you what the sentence said. And I am no dummy I have a MENSA IQ, but when I got sober the brain was just not computing. It took TIME. Time for my body and mind to heal.

And yes, it is a FELLOWSHIP. That fellowship hung on to me when I was flying all over the place and leaving claw marks in the walls. That fellowship showed me how to become a civilized member of society again. That fellowship taught me how to be kind, considerate and thoughtful of others again. That fellowship taught me how to share what was really going on instead of wearing one of my differents hat to show the world I was "fine", and what I hadn't learned there by 3 years sober, alanon refined further.

I know also that once the A starts on recovery, we alanons start looking for changes. Hell I do it today with a dear one, who has been my "little brother" for 20 years. I know better, and have to give myself a good whack in the head but I do it. "Well why didn't he go to a meeting last night?" "He knows 'those' people can trigger him, why is he going over there?" and on and on and on, lmao It's his program. I cannot do it for him. I have to sit back and just wait. When he asks, I can share my ES & H. Until then I have to stay out of it, and yes that can be very very hard, BUT i MUST, for me as much as for him.

I come to "Family and Friends" as much if not more so than the "Alcoholism" and "AA" because I NEED to be reminded by y'all to stay on my own side of the street. I still have that "Super Woman" cape somewhere back in the closet and you would swear somedays I am trying to pull it out one more time , sheesh

I have good relationships today with what is left of my family and my dear friends, but without AA and Alanon, my ashes would have been spread to the winds almost 25 years ago, so don't give up on yourselves. Sometimes we need to put distance between us and a loved one for our own health, but that doesn't mean we have to give up, we just watch from a distance, and I keep them in my prayers.

You gals and guys are the greatest.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-21-2006, 12:09 AM
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It's said so often here to look at actions not words and that to my mind should cut both ways. These are real actions on his part, they might fail, it may take more than one attempt, he may decide to stop trying, it may have been his last drink ever - but those are only possibilities, what's real is what is NOW what's actually happening and what he's actually doing.

Personally I really had to stop pinning what I believed on a flawless, completely successful, walk to a sober life. I decided to stay looking at actions, through successes and actions as a response to failure. If he does lapse it won't mean this time has become less real, or that anything done suddenly wasn't done - that would be to fool ourselves just as much as believing wrong behaviour can be truly undone (as though it never happened).

On the supporting side - for me it's very simple, I support what I believe in and what I feel is positive in anyone, I like to encourage where I can honestly and it seems the most natural thing in the world. I've got absolutely no reason to be any different with D - but then he knows it's me not him, he knows that generally I like to try and be that way so I don't think it makes him feel fussed over.
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Old 03-21-2006, 07:16 AM
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Today is actually a really hard day for me! Tomorrow he goes to court, might end up in jail and since he's been really trying it's kind of hard. Makes my guilt level rise. I'm trying to keep telling myself that it had to be done. At least it pushed him to do something. I'm quite disappointed though that it had to go that far in the first place. I don't know much about what his thoughts are on the entire situation are. He said at one point that he may not be able to come back here after but that's about it. He doesn't want to talk about it and I'm not pushing him to either. Even if he did tell me now what he was thinking, I'm aware that it might change after he's been away for a while. I'm a little sad about that but I've accepted that was one of the possible consequences. I truly hope that if he goes, he still continues to understand how important his sobriety is. I hope he doesn't give up. Obviously I have no control on whether he does or doesn't continue to work on it. It would have been so much easier if he'd just continued to be a jerk.

Yup, I need some strength today.
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Old 03-21-2006, 07:33 AM
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Don't feel guilty about anything. The situation could not continue
on the path it was on. Consequences are hard to handle but they
are there to provide a means of learning, or so one would hope.
Hang in there, you are strong and you will get through this.
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