JessicaNAJ

since Tuesday when I asked him about the income tax. He did call Thursday night at 10:50 p.m. to ask how the kids were. Since they were both in bed, we weren't on the phone long.

I went out with his sisters last night. We had a great time. But it made me wish he was with me. (Maybe I shouldn't do that anymore?) I had the same feeling when I was at his nephews b-day party.

Today, I'm thinking about the little things (positive) that he has done in the last 2 years. When my house was broken into...he didn't offer to stay to help us feel more comfortable, but he did park his car closer to one of the ground level windows. He took me to a concert. He finished the yard for me one day when I was so hungry but too stubborn to stop and eat. He told me "no" when I needed a ride to the autoparts store, I was mad as hell, but I realize now that he told me no b/c he was drinking and he didn't want to drive with me and the kids (my own realization....not b/c of anything he said). My thoughts....HE DOES/DID CARE!!!!

I'm afraid if I don't call him, he will think we don't care and drift further. Much like I felt with my dad when I was younger (I have got to get past this).

I miss him (sick ain't it?), but I'm not calling. Guess I'm going to get off my sorry arse and clean my house. The weekends are so hard for me lately.

StandingStrong

My A has teaken me out of town to do Christmas shopping,
He's bought me tons of flowers.
He has bought me gifts that he knew I'd truly love.
He's sent me some loving emails.
He's brought the kids and I take out when I was too sick to cook.
He's brought me kerosene when I was iced in and couldn't get out to get heat.
He's helped me put in the new porch posts.
He's let me use his computer the past few months when mine died.
And he's allowed me to use his vehicle this winter (since mine is terrible in bad weather)
I'm sure there are more kindnesses he's done...............but let me tell you some of the things that he did that were not loving and kind.

He has not helped to financially care for his children.
He has stuck me with medical bills that were for our son's medical needs though he promised to pay them.
He quit paying on our house and was going to allow the mortgage company to foreclose though he went out and got a place of his own. And in the end, he signed off on the house so that I could refinance it myself.
He did nothing when our house was infested with fleas - from the pets that HE had to have - but he did go out of town to the Nascar race.
He did nothing when his cat was attacked by the neighbor's dog. We, the children and I got to listen to it suffer as it died a slow and painful death. He did bury the cat though after all was said and done.
He also has lied to me, broken promises to me, and been verbally abusive.
He also had a fling last year - but did not confront her when she and her freinds were harrassing me after they realized he wanted me back. Nope, he didn't defend or protect me!
He also has not had a paternity test done on the child that she had 81/2 months after their fling. Has not contacted her, her exboyfriend, or anyone to find out if one was ever done on exboyfriend. Even refused to do so when our son wanted him too as our son felt the need to know whose child it was.
Again - this list could go on as well, but you get the point.

Ah does what he feels comfortable in doing. Most of the items listed above, you'll notice a pattern. He gives the easy stuff that does not take much effort. He gives what he can without coming out of his own comfort level.

Ah will tell you that I am mean, hateful, and spiteful to him. I do not tell him that I love him, etc. Well, I am not going too set myself up to be hurt again. He was told to prove himself - as far as I'm concerned, he has not done what he needed to do. I will not accept less than what I had told him in the beginning when he moved out.
If he chooses to feel sorry for himself because I am not playing into the old games, that is his choice. He knows full well what I wanted from him, he knows what my boundaries are, etc. so he is making the choice.

He may care about me - and I believe he loves me. But he loves me in the only way he knows how.
And that may just be the case with your ah as well.

But come on Jessica - you are focusing on the good things he has done. You aren't listing the things that he has done that have hurt you and your children. Seems to me you are putting those rose colored glasses again.
Don't feel bad, I have done it too.

But you have to be honest.

robina

Your heart is missing him, but your head knows the truth.
You deserve better.

JessicaNAJ

You know, right after I posted this, I was getting into the shower and said to myself, "You are only thinking about the positive right now b/c you are lonely. What about everything negative he's done or everything he hasn't done." It's hard to remember the negative when for years, that little bit of positive is what has helped me to hold on.

I'm not putting on the glasses. I'm just feeling a bit lonely today. I'm sure all the little dustmites in the corners and under the couches will keep me company though.



On second thought....I think I'll sort the laundry and then hang outside with the kids for a bit. That sounds like much more fun

CatsTail

Jessica,

Maybe it would help to write the good things and then the bad things down on paper. Then you'd have it in black and white. Your heart can't argue with that.

Ngaire

brightlight

Sounds to me like you love your husband and he is sick and there is nothing wrong with that, and yes he may never change, but he might. My husband was getting really bad and I am not sure what helped, prayers maybe from the kids and me, but he himself prayed too. He is acting a lot different lately and he says it is from taking a supplement that we started taking. I am not sure if this really helps or not, but even if it does it did not happen fast. It took almost 3 months before I started seeing any changes. My kids started waking up hungry and my daughter does not complain of stomach pains. She is happier and has more energy. My son put on 6 pounds and he needed to gain weight. My friend and I both are lifting weights and we both have a lot of weight to lose. I start finding myself laughing at things or making jokes with the kids, but I noticed a big change in my husband when I told him I was going to exercise and lift weights. He immediately said he needed to be healthy too. He started eating better and joined the gym. He also needs to gain weight and has gained 4 pounds last I heard. It might be just a change in me that has made everybody feel better or this supplement thing. But I just wonder if your G saw you and the kids out in the yard playing or going for walks around where he can see you, yeah I know, you are supposed to just let him sink and go on with your life, but but but but, I don't know! I just have a feeling my A wants to be happy and feel better. Now he is still drinking 1 or 2 beers a few times a week. He will miss a day here or there, but he is not drunk and he is not at the bar. I can live with this. I got healthy and not mean. I have a long long ways to go with weight loss, but I am not going down, only up and it is a real struggle. Even my kids are wanting to be healthy. I take them ice skating once a week and I also have a trampoline in the house, one of those little ones and they jump on that. They exercise when I do. I just wonder if you did the health thing and flaunted it around like riding a bike or jogging with the kids, bake some cookies with the kids and take them to him and never ask him to do anything, just start doing things for him, but never talking about why or wanting answers just things like though you might like these cookies or some of this pot roast, and bye, we are going for our run. Even if he never changed, you would be healthier, you would be showing your kids that you are not mean, you would be allowing them to do something for him. I know my advice is different than others here, but I do everything different. Best thing you can get for yourself is a set of weights at Walmart. :Weightlif

sunshine003

I'm sorry you have to go through this and feel so unwanted at times by your husband. I know how painful that must be. I also realize you wish your husband will come around and get healthy. I hope this happens for you. While you hold out hope, may you find the strength to get on with yours without him....he'll catch up to you when he's ready you know! If you were to start putting yourself first thta doesn't mean you're leaving him behind. He knows yoru door is open to him, you don't have to keep telling him that and hurting yourself when he doesn't take you up on it.

You'll get there and he may join you someday. I'm sorry your heart is hurting.

confusednlonely

I am glad that someone posted this today. It is everything that I am going through. My A has been MIA for 30 hours now. The last thing he said to me was that he loved me and that he wasnt going to drink no matter what and I had to trust him. (Kinda hard to do that right now)

In the past my A (Positive) has:
Bought me things that I really needed
Taken care of me when I threw my neck out
Helped me tremendously with my career (I am self employed, he lost his job due to alcohol and helped me out with the business)
Held me every night when we went to sleep
Rubbed my feet when we watched movies together
Took me out to my favorite restaurant on a "date" 2 weeks ago


NEGATIVE:
verbal abuse
cheated
disappeared several times (once for a month with no word)
lied
threatened to burn my house and destroy my life
ignored me
walked out on me when I had a miscarriage (I begged and screamed and
cried for him to stay)

I am trying to concentrate on the bad right now so I can get some strength to get over him issing again. That why I wont miss him so much.

Thank GOD for the children and the dust mites. They seem to be my best friends and one of my support groups right now

I am on my way to Al Anon right meeting. Hang in there and take care of YOURSELF!