new here and hope you can help

Old 01-24-2003, 09:59 AM
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Smile new here and hope you can help

Hello my name is christi. I hope someone can give me some advise. My Husband is an alcoholic. I have two daughters 4, and 1. Is it possible to make this family work if he won't get professional help with us? We keep coming up with temporary fixes like, no booze in the house, and many more. But I can't be a nag all of my life. Or can I? I love my husband dearly and I know he wants the best for our girls. How do I explain to my kids this behavior is not alright, when I am accepting of it? I don't want this for any of us. I don't want my girls to follow in his footsteps. Quite frankly I don't want them to follow in my footsteps either. I could go on for days............but I won't.
Thanks for listening,
christi
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Old 01-24-2003, 10:23 AM
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Christy
Welcome, you have come to the right place !
The good news is--you can get help !
Try to find an alanon meeting in your area
they have been my life saver , there is sanity
after the insanity. and this is a good place to
stay in touch with between meetings.
alanon offers hope to those who have lived or
been effected by someone else's drinking.
we cannot change anyone else but we can
work with where we are and with the help of
our Higher Power we can change our reactions
to what goes on around us.
God Bless you, and do keep coming back-
there will be others following , many will be here
to offer you encouragement and hope
you're not alone christy

Hugs to you
liddy
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Old 01-24-2003, 11:49 AM
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Hi Christy,
I, too, made deals with my husband regarding his drinking. We lived apart for the first couple of years of our marriage (due to our jobs) and I would manipulate our time together so as not to include anything that had to do with drinking. If we went out to eat, I would choose a place that didn't serve alcohol. If he had the weekend off, I would ask him not to drink one of the 2 nights. I counted empty cans in the garbage, searched his wallet for money, analyzed the checkbook, smelled him constantly, etc. After he entered treatment, I realized that doing those things wasn't helping either of us. They say that an alcoholic has to reach rock bottom before admitting they have a problem. My husband did and entered treatment and has been sober for almost 2 years. Your youngest child probably won't remember much of this time in her life but your oldest one may. Our children were older when this happened to us but we talked to them about it when he made the decision to enter treatment. They knew that something wasn't right in our lives and were glad and supportive of his decision. Liddy was right about getting to a meeting. While I personally did not attend any alanon meetings (not available in my town), I did attend many AA meetings with my husband while he was in treatment and some after. They gave me a great deal of insight into what it is like to live that type of life. Although you and I will never know how they felt (unless we become alcoholics ourselves), we can sympathize and empathize with what they are going through. Those meetings helped me a lot. I'm new to this message board as well and hope that in the time to come, I can deal better with my issues concerning my husband's addiction. Keep coming back for more as it's already helping me. We can't control our husbands' behavior, as much as we want to. But we can control how we react to it and that's what we have to do. Be strong for yourself and your girls. If your husband chooses professional help, and truely wants to stop, stand by his side, love him even more, and be there for him. My husband and I became so close when he entered treatment. I want that back and that's one reason I am here. I hope I've helped you; I know it's helped me to write to you. Have a great day and good luck!
Laura
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Old 01-24-2003, 12:31 PM
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Hey Christi, My husband is also an alcoholic. We have three children 11, 7, and 2. Coming to this board and my spirituality have been more help than anything. Knowing that your not the only one is very comforting. These guys are good guys and we obviously love them or we wouldn't be here.

Keep coming back back and find a meeting to go to. Get yourself a good support network and start working on you. Everything else becomes "clearer." At least it has for me. My husband still hasn't sought help. He is still in denial and may be forever, but I have come to realize that I don't have to include myself on his crazy roller-coaster. I put myself and the children before anything else. If he chooses to include himself in these activities great, but if not we are still great.

I have talked with my oldest about his fathers drinking. My father and both of my husbands parents are also alcoholics, so I had plenty of comparasons for my son. I try to point out that although his father loves us that he like any human makes bad choices. One of those being drinking. As your children get older and you become more comfortable with yourself, you will know what to say and how much to say. I do a lot of praying for wisdom and it really works. For now just work on you!

Good luck and keep coming back
constant
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Old 01-24-2003, 06:03 PM
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Hi Christi,
I too am married to an alcoholic; we have two boys, age 5 and 1. One year ago I was asking the same questions you are today... So, my advice? Go to an Alanon meeting - even it seems awkward and you are nervous/scared/embarressed... What you will eventually learn there is that you CAN live with an alcoholic, as soon as you learn to put YOURSELF first. Discover who you are; what you DESERVE in life... And best of all, learn all about how to "let go". Letting go of all the emotions that bind you, will set you free - it's amazing!
Take care, and keep coming back
Meg
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Old 01-24-2003, 06:06 PM
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Welcome and keep coming back, these people are a comfort
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Old 01-24-2003, 08:52 PM
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i'm also married to an alcoholic. my husband has just reached the point where he wants to stop. he's still struggling he's admitted his problem to his doctor and is trying to stop on his own. i think he's afraid of an extended stay in a treatment center.

if you can't find an alanon meeting in your area maybe you could get some of their literature. also, I just read codependant no more and it really gave me alot to think about.

i also found that as i let go of nagging and trying to control his behavour things improved between us. it was kind of like the harder i tried to slow down or stop his drinking the more determined he became to do it. there are alot of people at this site who understand what you're going through

take care
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Old 01-24-2003, 11:09 PM
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Hello christi! Welcome to the board!

My husband is a alcoholic as well. We have been married for 25 yrs. and have three children, 22 (son), 18 (daughter),and14 (daughter). I have done it all from pouring the bottles and cans of beer down the sink to playing Mom. None of it did any good except probably raise my blood pressure. You think you are feeling better as you scold or give detailed lectures but it doesn't help. We have been through alot over the years and not until recently has he wanted to get help on his own. He now goes to AA meetings and is trying. He still drinks, but not everyday now at least. He will go for a few days and then get stressed and drink again. I keep praying for him. This place has helped me tremendously. I have stopped saying things to him. When he has been drinking I just say hello when I come home from work and try to ignore him.He is sleeping on the couch as I type this. It was hard at first but I'm getting better at it. It is up to him to stop and up to me to take care of myself!! You can have a life if you choose to stay and don't forget that!


All the best and keep coming back,
matters
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