Lost!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
Lost!!
Yesterday, my A left at around 11:30. He said he was going to pick up his mail at the office and call his sponsor and then go for a walk. I didnt want him to leave the house. He just got out of 28 days rehab 2 weeks ago and started drinking again on Thursday. He is doing a strict out patient program 3 days a week and at least 2 AA meetings weekly which area mandatory.
He called me a few minutes after he left the house and told me how much he loved me and just needed some time to himself to get his drinking under control again and speak with his sponsor. He told me he would call me later or meet me at my sons skating party BUT I havent heard anything from him since. I have tried numerous times to call his cell but always get his voicemail. I dont know what happened to him or if he is even ok or not. I feel so lost right now and have no idea what to do.
He called me a few minutes after he left the house and told me how much he loved me and just needed some time to himself to get his drinking under control again and speak with his sponsor. He told me he would call me later or meet me at my sons skating party BUT I havent heard anything from him since. I have tried numerous times to call his cell but always get his voicemail. I dont know what happened to him or if he is even ok or not. I feel so lost right now and have no idea what to do.
Last edited by confusednlonely; 03-19-2006 at 05:26 AM. Reason: .
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
confusednlonely - i am sorry for your anxiety. does he have a friend that he maybe went and stayed with? has he been gone like this before? i don't have any advice to offer but i am sending a prayer your way that he is ok and will call you soon. big hugs to you - i know you must feel alone right now. ((confusednlonely))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I wish I didn't understand but I do. When a pattern develops eventually you can't ignore it. The coming and the going, the words without the actions. The waiting and the worrying, the highs when he's out and the lows when he comes back home. One day, his last trip out will be a turning point for you and you will close the door and lock it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I don't think there's much you can do but pray. I'm sorry he relapsed at only 2 weeks out of rehab. I guess he wasn't going to AA for support? Sponsors are great, but it's those meetings that really help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: WA Rainforest
Posts: 209
Have you filed a missing person report? I had to do that 3 times for my AH. You don't have to wait 24 hours or anything like that if you believe he's a danger to himself. They won't be actively looking for him but if they pick him up for anything else they'll know you're looking for him.
I'm so sorry you're being put through this! it's godawful, and with kids too no less. It's entirely possible he needs a change of scenery to come to grips with his addiction, or he's off drinking somewhere. Mine kept turning up in emergency rooms after crashing his car. His pattern when overwhelmed was to get in the car with a big bottle of something and just drive and drive and drive into the forest. He'd turn up deep in the mountains and I got very familiar with what they call 4 wheel drive recoveries - winching cars off of cliffsides and such. The kind of trouble drunken hunters in 4 wheel drives get into.
Other than filing the missing person report and calling everyone whom he might have gone to, there's nothing else you can do about finding him. You'll have to wait for him to turn up and that's incredibly hard to do, I know! Now you have to find yourself. Your life, and your kids', has been affected by his drinking and you'll have behavior patterns that reflect that. Coming here, and going to Al Anon or counseling, will help you see those patterns and change them. Some of those patterns are probably helping him continue to drink and they're making you and your kids unhappy.
Do you have his sponsor's number? if your husband's missing his sponsor might be able to tell you something. They're supposed to keep everything confidential, along with shrinks and counselors, but all bets are off when someone's disappeared like your husband has. People will tell you things they normally shouldn't when someone else's life is in danger. I know you won't be able to have any peace until you know where he is.
I'm so sorry you're being put through this! it's godawful, and with kids too no less. It's entirely possible he needs a change of scenery to come to grips with his addiction, or he's off drinking somewhere. Mine kept turning up in emergency rooms after crashing his car. His pattern when overwhelmed was to get in the car with a big bottle of something and just drive and drive and drive into the forest. He'd turn up deep in the mountains and I got very familiar with what they call 4 wheel drive recoveries - winching cars off of cliffsides and such. The kind of trouble drunken hunters in 4 wheel drives get into.
Other than filing the missing person report and calling everyone whom he might have gone to, there's nothing else you can do about finding him. You'll have to wait for him to turn up and that's incredibly hard to do, I know! Now you have to find yourself. Your life, and your kids', has been affected by his drinking and you'll have behavior patterns that reflect that. Coming here, and going to Al Anon or counseling, will help you see those patterns and change them. Some of those patterns are probably helping him continue to drink and they're making you and your kids unhappy.
Do you have his sponsor's number? if your husband's missing his sponsor might be able to tell you something. They're supposed to keep everything confidential, along with shrinks and counselors, but all bets are off when someone's disappeared like your husband has. People will tell you things they normally shouldn't when someone else's life is in danger. I know you won't be able to have any peace until you know where he is.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((confused))
sorry this is happening and i hope something is resolved soon. i understand when you say you didn't want him leaving the house. it's hard to let go of the control. my prayers are with you that he turns up soon.
sorry this is happening and i hope something is resolved soon. i understand when you say you didn't want him leaving the house. it's hard to let go of the control. my prayers are with you that he turns up soon.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Confusedandlonely)))
I do hope you can take the advice of those above who have been there, done that. It was my kids who were the As and my daughter who would disappear. It was agonizing. Finally, it happened often enough that I got a thick skin. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I FINALLY came to understand that she was OK ... each and every time. I could "awfulize" about what she "might" be doing, and who "might" be taking advantage of her and terrible, awful, nasty things that "might" happen. But they didn't. She came home, eventually, every time.
Once that happened often enough, I grew to believe that she DID have a Higher Power, the her Higher Power WAS watching our for her and that my "job" was to turn off the phone, trust in HP and get some much-needed rest.
I hope you can get to that point soon. Sadly, it takes time... and often, repetition.
I wish you the best. (((confusedandlonely)))
I do hope you can take the advice of those above who have been there, done that. It was my kids who were the As and my daughter who would disappear. It was agonizing. Finally, it happened often enough that I got a thick skin. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that I FINALLY came to understand that she was OK ... each and every time. I could "awfulize" about what she "might" be doing, and who "might" be taking advantage of her and terrible, awful, nasty things that "might" happen. But they didn't. She came home, eventually, every time.
Once that happened often enough, I grew to believe that she DID have a Higher Power, the her Higher Power WAS watching our for her and that my "job" was to turn off the phone, trust in HP and get some much-needed rest.
I hope you can get to that point soon. Sadly, it takes time... and often, repetition.
I wish you the best. (((confusedandlonely)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
It has been 28 hours now, and still no word.
This is just so hard. The waiting, the wondering. I have cried all day long. Sometimes feel like I am going to loose it. When my phone rings I dont know what to do.
A. Ignore it thinking it could be the dreadful "bad" call from the police telling me...well you know or
B. Run to the phone out of the hope that its him and he has come to senses.
The last thing he said to me is that he loves me and is desperate to get this under control with the drinking, but I just know he is sitting at the bar. It scares the hell out of because he is running out of money (today should be the last for his funds), he is taking 30 mg of Lexapro (for depression), which you cant drink when you take them and if you quit taking them without weening yourself off they can screw you up even more mentally.
I have thought about the missing persons report (it would be the 2nd one filed in a year), however I have been through this before with him missing, but the circumstances are a lot different this time.
I believe that he too has a higher power that brings him back safe each time. But I keep thinking there will be that one time that he wont be.
Thanks for letting me vent...have to go try to put a smile on my face for my mons birthday party now. Its amazing what good actors we have to become when we face people and we are going through all of this.
This is just so hard. The waiting, the wondering. I have cried all day long. Sometimes feel like I am going to loose it. When my phone rings I dont know what to do.
A. Ignore it thinking it could be the dreadful "bad" call from the police telling me...well you know or
B. Run to the phone out of the hope that its him and he has come to senses.
The last thing he said to me is that he loves me and is desperate to get this under control with the drinking, but I just know he is sitting at the bar. It scares the hell out of because he is running out of money (today should be the last for his funds), he is taking 30 mg of Lexapro (for depression), which you cant drink when you take them and if you quit taking them without weening yourself off they can screw you up even more mentally.
I have thought about the missing persons report (it would be the 2nd one filed in a year), however I have been through this before with him missing, but the circumstances are a lot different this time.
I believe that he too has a higher power that brings him back safe each time. But I keep thinking there will be that one time that he wont be.
Thanks for letting me vent...have to go try to put a smile on my face for my mons birthday party now. Its amazing what good actors we have to become when we face people and we are going through all of this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I'm so sorry you're going through this, maybe the missing person reprot is a good idea - especially if you're worried about his mental health.
Try not to think the worst - it's far more likely he will turn up and there's nothing to gain imagining police coming to your door (unless it's to respond to your missing person report).
Let us know what happens and I hope you hear from him soon. Take care of yourself too, right now that probably the best you can do for yourself, your son and him.
Try not to think the worst - it's far more likely he will turn up and there's nothing to gain imagining police coming to your door (unless it's to respond to your missing person report).
Let us know what happens and I hope you hear from him soon. Take care of yourself too, right now that probably the best you can do for yourself, your son and him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: somewhere else
Posts: 9
Been there
My husband disappeared for over a week when I told him he either went into rehab or get out. It turns out that he had been in a hotel room drinking during this time. I got a call from the ER in the middle of the night- AH thought he was having a heart attack and called an ambulance- turns out it was his pancreas. I was able to sort of know he was still alive by checking the online accounts which indicated he was withdrawing money, also, check his credit card accounts.
This is a horrible, horrible time, and if I were going thru it again, I wouldn't put on the happy face for the family. You need them now to help you and the children, I'd tell them what was going on.
I have since done just that and don't know what kind of condition I would be in now otherwise. JMO
Good luck and I will be thinking and praying for you.
This is a horrible, horrible time, and if I were going thru it again, I wouldn't put on the happy face for the family. You need them now to help you and the children, I'd tell them what was going on.
I have since done just that and don't know what kind of condition I would be in now otherwise. JMO
Good luck and I will be thinking and praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope he's turned up by now. Is there anyone you can call to be with you? Did you think about filing a report? It really might be a good idea if he's on medication. I'll send you some prayers tonight. I hope he shows up soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
Well..its now going on 2 days since I have heard from or seen my A. None of this makes any sense at all. The last time I heard from him he said he loved me and he was going to call his sponsor and was determined not to drink.
My eyes are so swelled from crying, my checks actually burn because of my tears.
I went to my 1st Al Anon meeting last night and crie the whole time, I felt like such an arse, but I did speak up and I did read and participate and I have to tell you I felt better when I left. I am learning that It wasnt my fault and that maybe he was just looking for an excuse to drink and used my bad mood on THursday to do so.
My A's mom & dad are going out of town for weekend to a wedding. They gave me there hotel # and cell # in case "the call" from the police or a knock at my door. It scares me to death that they are thinking like that.
I am going to call today to make an appointment with a counselor for some one on one so I can stay strong through this. I have made a decision that if he does turn up ok and wants to come home, I am not going to let him until he gets sober. I cant keep letting him do this to me time after time again. I think each time it happens it hurts more because I feel I should know better and not give my hopes up, but I do because I want to trust him and believe in him.
I have heard that God never gives us more than he knows we can handle. I am thinking that God must really believe we are some pretty strong people!
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts and replies. They keep me going! God Bless and take care!
My eyes are so swelled from crying, my checks actually burn because of my tears.
I went to my 1st Al Anon meeting last night and crie the whole time, I felt like such an arse, but I did speak up and I did read and participate and I have to tell you I felt better when I left. I am learning that It wasnt my fault and that maybe he was just looking for an excuse to drink and used my bad mood on THursday to do so.
My A's mom & dad are going out of town for weekend to a wedding. They gave me there hotel # and cell # in case "the call" from the police or a knock at my door. It scares me to death that they are thinking like that.
I am going to call today to make an appointment with a counselor for some one on one so I can stay strong through this. I have made a decision that if he does turn up ok and wants to come home, I am not going to let him until he gets sober. I cant keep letting him do this to me time after time again. I think each time it happens it hurts more because I feel I should know better and not give my hopes up, but I do because I want to trust him and believe in him.
I have heard that God never gives us more than he knows we can handle. I am thinking that God must really believe we are some pretty strong people!
Thanks for your prayers and thoughts and replies. They keep me going! God Bless and take care!
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
I think the not knowing is the worst. I remember the times I had to sit and wonder where he was, who he was with, if he was alive, if he had been arrested, etc. It is a horrible frightening place to be.
I think you are doing all you an to take care of yourself right now, keep it up and you will make it through whatever lies ahead of you.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
God Bless
I think you are doing all you an to take care of yourself right now, keep it up and you will make it through whatever lies ahead of you.
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
God Bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
I made the step in calling a Psychologist this am. I cant get an appointment with the one I want though until next week, so I am meeeting a different tomorrow night just to hold me over.
There arent any Al Anon meetings until later tonight...think I will be insane by then.
My friends wanted me to go out with them tonight to have a few drinks, relax and try to have fun but the mere thought of alcohol absolutely repulses me right now. I think I feel no better than him if I go and have a drink (please keep in mind I am not an alcoholic, rarely ever drink) I don't see how I would be much fun anyway, I'd probably just sit there and cry.
While I was typing that last sentence, the thought occurred to me on what I am crying about. Loosing someone who treated me like pure crap for 2 1/2 years and shows me enough love to just vanish off the face of the earth. If I am so much better off in my life without him and all this stuff that goes with it why am I loosing my mind wondering if he is ok, or when and if he will be back.
The funny thing is when he left on Saturday and he told me he would meet me that afternoon, I told him I knew I would never see him again if he left. He left anyway, then he called 10 minutes later and said he loved me and to bring his hat with me so he could wear it when we met. So much for that!
There arent any Al Anon meetings until later tonight...think I will be insane by then.
My friends wanted me to go out with them tonight to have a few drinks, relax and try to have fun but the mere thought of alcohol absolutely repulses me right now. I think I feel no better than him if I go and have a drink (please keep in mind I am not an alcoholic, rarely ever drink) I don't see how I would be much fun anyway, I'd probably just sit there and cry.
While I was typing that last sentence, the thought occurred to me on what I am crying about. Loosing someone who treated me like pure crap for 2 1/2 years and shows me enough love to just vanish off the face of the earth. If I am so much better off in my life without him and all this stuff that goes with it why am I loosing my mind wondering if he is ok, or when and if he will be back.
The funny thing is when he left on Saturday and he told me he would meet me that afternoon, I told him I knew I would never see him again if he left. He left anyway, then he called 10 minutes later and said he loved me and to bring his hat with me so he could wear it when we met. So much for that!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon, this must really be taking its toll on you. Just because we see that a person is not healthy for us doesn't mean we stop caring about their wellbeing. We are human, after all! Glad to hear you're doing some good things to look after yourself.
Have you reported him missing to the police?
Have you reported him missing to the police?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
I don't have much advise to offer. The only thing I thought of has already been suggested...checking the account history online. That's how a friend of mine always found her husband. Or at least you could see the last time he used it...
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.... Hope your son is doing ok during all of this....
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.... Hope your son is doing ok during all of this....
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
(((confused)))) I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and it is completely understandable how worried you must be. I don't have any words of wisdom either. Everyone else has said it all. I hope that he turns up and that all of this was just another binge. I think you should keep to the boundary that you've set- if it is a binge, don't let him back in until he is sober for quite some time. Please let us know how this turns out. My prayers are with you.
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Confused, my heart goes out to you I am surprised you are able to type. I do not know I would fall apart. I am so sorry. I do believe maybe a missing persons report is a good idea. Please let us know. Irsh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 29
MY A finally showed up tonight after 2 1/2 days. I cant belive he had the brlls to, but he did. WHo know what he said?????? I'm sorry, please forgive me. I am sooo mad right now, i cant even type. How dare he!?!?!?!?!?!?
M night is NOT over yet, but i am trying to pull my strength together and so far for the past few hours I have said no, I dont forgive you and I will NOT take you back!!!
How dare he call me and just expect for me to answer the phone at a drop because it rings. I called him for 2 days with no response, not knowing if he was even alive. I AM SOOOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!
My eyes are still swollen from crying and my face still blotched and burning from my tears. Do you think he cares???? NO.....DO YOU JKNOW WHAT HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME?????? HE ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME TO HAVE HIS LAST DRINK WITH HIM BEFORE HE FACES REAL SOBRIETY....WTF???? I have been through this with him a million times....with him there is no real sobriety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its amazing how is phone suddenly works now! I have been calling him since Saturday leaving message after message. Not only me but his mom and dad too. And now all of a sudden his phone works? he can suddenly pick up messages. He can miracoulsy make phone calls? WTF
I AM SOOOOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in on him at the bar he was at.....you wanna know happenned??? I ordered a beer...stood up on my bar stool....and raiesed my bottle to my friend KM who just got out of 28 day rehab and can sit here at this bar stool and still enjoy his beer. I raise my bottle to KM my best friend and lover who didnt give a flying F about anything for the past 3 days to even pick up the phone and say "HEY I AM OK", too my best frined and lover the alcoholic. I then dumped my beer over his head and drove home. He has called me several times since, but I wont talk to him.
I know this sounds a little psycho, but such is life when you are dealing with one!!!
Needless to say there were no Al Anon meetings tonight.
GOD PLEASE UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE MY INSANITY
M night is NOT over yet, but i am trying to pull my strength together and so far for the past few hours I have said no, I dont forgive you and I will NOT take you back!!!
How dare he call me and just expect for me to answer the phone at a drop because it rings. I called him for 2 days with no response, not knowing if he was even alive. I AM SOOOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!
My eyes are still swollen from crying and my face still blotched and burning from my tears. Do you think he cares???? NO.....DO YOU JKNOW WHAT HE HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME?????? HE ACTUALLY HAD THE NERVE TO ASK ME TO HAVE HIS LAST DRINK WITH HIM BEFORE HE FACES REAL SOBRIETY....WTF???? I have been through this with him a million times....with him there is no real sobriety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its amazing how is phone suddenly works now! I have been calling him since Saturday leaving message after message. Not only me but his mom and dad too. And now all of a sudden his phone works? he can suddenly pick up messages. He can miracoulsy make phone calls? WTF
I AM SOOOOO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I walked in on him at the bar he was at.....you wanna know happenned??? I ordered a beer...stood up on my bar stool....and raiesed my bottle to my friend KM who just got out of 28 day rehab and can sit here at this bar stool and still enjoy his beer. I raise my bottle to KM my best friend and lover who didnt give a flying F about anything for the past 3 days to even pick up the phone and say "HEY I AM OK", too my best frined and lover the alcoholic. I then dumped my beer over his head and drove home. He has called me several times since, but I wont talk to him.
I know this sounds a little psycho, but such is life when you are dealing with one!!!
Needless to say there were no Al Anon meetings tonight.
GOD PLEASE UNDERSTAND AND FORGIVE MY INSANITY
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