Morning Glory

• The alcoholic comes home late and he is drunk, too drunk in fact to get the key into the front door lock. After several futile attempts, he decides that it is a lost cause. Since he does not want anyone in the house to know that he is too drunk to unlock his own door, he makes a brilliant decision that solves his problem. He goes to sleep in the front yard!

How would you react?


The Rescuer

The "rescuer" doesn't let the incident become a "problem." Since she has been waiting up for him anyway, she goes out in the yard, gets the alcoholic up, cleans him up, and puts him into bed. That way the neighbors never see him passed out in the flower bed!



She never mentions the incident to him or anybody else. If anyone else mentions it, she denies there is a problem. She lies for him, covers up for his mistakes, and protects him from the world.

As the problems increase and his drinking gets worse, she takes on responsibilites that were once his. She may get a job or work extra hours to pay the bills. And if he gets in trouble with the law, she will move heaven and earth to come up with his bail.

The Provoker

The "provoker" reacts by punishing the drunk for his actions. She either waits for him to wake up the next morning and gives it to him with both barrels, or she goes out and turns the water sprinklers on!



She scolds, ridicules, and belittles. She nags. She screams insults at him loud enough for everyone to hear. She gets on the telephone and tells all her friends he's a loser. She is angry and she makes sure that the alcoholic and everybody else knows it. Or she gives him the cold shoulder and doesn't speak to him. She threatens to leave.

She doesn't let it go, either. The anger and resentment continue to build as these incidents become more frequent. She never lets him forget his transgressions. She holds it against him and uses it as a weapon in future arguments -- even months or years later.

The Martyr

The "martyr" is ashamed of the alcoholic's behavoir and she lets him know it by her actions or words. She cries and tells him, "You've embarrassed us again in front of the whole neighborhood!"



She sulks, pouts, and isolates. She gets on the telephone with her friends and tearfully describes the misery that he has caused her this time! Or she is so ashamed of it she avoids her friends and any mention of the incident.

Slowly she becomes more withdrawn and depressed. She may not say much about it to the alcoholic, but she lets him know with her actions that she is ashamed of him. Quietly she tries to make him feel quilty for his behavoir.

Which is the Enabler?

The above examples may be somewhat of an exaggeration, but then again they may be very typical of what goes on in an alcoholic home. The "roles" the nonalcoholic spouse plays in the family may not be as well defined, as they are outlined here. Depending upon the circumstances, the spouse may fall into one of these roles, or may switch back and forth between them all.



So which of the spouses described above is an enabler? Which one is actually helping the alcoholic progress in his disease? Which one, although they are trying to make things better, are actually contributing to the problem? All of them.

It's easy to define the "rescuer" or "caretaker" as an enabler.

She is enabling him simply by not allowing him to face the consequences of his own actions. He wakes up in the bed warm and toasty the next morning, not even remembering that he passed out in the front yard.


Why should he ever admit that he has a problem? With her rushing in to "put pillows under him" each time he falls, he never feels the pain of the fall. If his drinking never becomes painful, due to her heroic efforts to protect him, why should he ever decide to stop?

But the other two role models are also enabling. How? Because their reactions to the alcoholic's behavior allows him to focus on their reaction rather than his own behavior.

If he wakes up the next morning in the yard and comes into the house to face the rath of the provoker or the shame of the martyr or "victim," then his natural response is to react to that behavior, rather than his own.

Moreover, both the provoker's and the martyr's actions are designed to manipulate him with guilt, which believe it or not, he feels. But if he is truly an alcoholic, his reaction will not be to own up to his mistakes, but to try to escape them once again -- in the bottle.

The Correct Reaction?

So what is the best way to react to the situation described? How do you react when the alcoholic has pulled another one of his stunts? The answer is to not react at all! Pretend as if nothing happened!


If the alcoholic wakes up the next morning and comes into the house where everything is going on normally -- the kids are getting ready for school, you are doing your hair and the coffee's on the stove -- then the only thing left for him to face is his own behavior.

Any embarrasment or shame brought on by him passing out in the front yard for all the neighbors to see, belongs to him and him alone. It's his problem, not anyone else's. His behavior is the problem, not your reaction to it.

If you greet him with a "Good morning, dear, the coffee's ready!" just as if nothing unusual had happened, you have done your part right. You did not allow someone else's inappropriate behavior to provoke your own inappropriate behavior. You have not given the alcoholic the opportunity to "change the subject." He is left alone to face his own pain and shame by himself. When that pain gets to be strong enough, he will be ready to get help.

Until he is ready to reach out for help with his drinking problem, all the scolding, manipulating, and controlling efforts on your part are not going to do any good whatsoever and will only cause you to get pulled further into the family disease of alcoholism.





What do you all think of the example of the correct reaction? That would be pretty hard. And what about the kids and their friends in the neighborhood?

Zoey

Wonderfull, I would like for everyone to print this out, it is very difficult, but the best thing to do for both. I would suggest keeping it handy and reread often.

Takes lots of thought and lots of practice and we need to think about it untill it can come from our gut. Through time it has proved to be best.

Unless they drink in the garage and basement and never seen to drink in public everyone knows anyway. So our pride is rather useless.
Our pride, up against their pride and or EGO makes things difficult.

TIDBIT=
A lady had accepted her hubby as is. their daughter was getting married, he had every intention of going, new suit, new shoes etc. couple hours before the wedding he had to run an errand, so he didn't show, the wife with love and understanding smiled and and said, "John is just being John". She and daughter were fine, no one felt sorry for them, no one got irate at John.

Pick-a-name

Codie that I am,I would have wanted to find John because I would feel so badly FOR HIM! (???) that he missed his daughter's wedding................silly. He would "miss" it even if he was there in the room, and a host of other problems would arise.

Thanks!

Now, here I go immediately thinking back on what I "didn't do right", how I would not be getting divorced if only I had reacted "right".........didn't cause, can't control,can't cure........ (having one of "those" days..slow-learner, I have told you all!)
The overlap is where I sometimes get confused. No guarantee, but best fo ME, and then best chance for A to want to get help? Is that right?

Thanks for posting this!

splendra

I would want to react in the correct way.... I am hoping I won't have an oppertunity to decide...if I do I want to do the correct thing....

equus

Sometimes I think these can be a bit too prescriptive for real life.

Half the time things aren't clear cut and we all have to live with our decisions. I like the example - just not the notion of a single 'correct' response.

Sophia57

You can be a rescuer and an enabler even when your partner is in recovery - that's just what I do most of the time.
You want to make life easier for them, they hate responsibility or certain situation, so you jump in and 'help' or 'fix' things.
Like my husband, 13 years in recovery, hates family gatherings (my family) or visiting my parents, so I find myself making excuses as to why he doesn't visit with me or why he's not present at a special occasion. They must think he's very prone to chest infections!
Why do I do it? Cos it's easier, I don't have to worry about his silence in company, his tantrums before the occasion, my own embarrassment. I even try to compensate when he displays 'dry drunk' behaviour in front of his daughter (13 years old).
I think I have a long way to go.
I wish I could do the 'right' thing all the time, sometimes I manage it and it does make a difference to how he reacts and to how I feel about myself, sometimes I don't know what the right thing is.
Practice, practice!
Sophia x

Aquiana

The one thing I always wondered about the idea of ignoring what happened to let them deal with it on their own, is what you do if the situation is alot more, I can't think of the word I'm going for but lets say personal. I mean for me, it wasn't really hard to let things go that only involved him, ie passing out on the lawn, couch ect. The ones that used to get me more into the provoker/martyr personality were the ones where he was really hurting me as much as himself. Like driving around drunk and potentially screwing up our insurance, or passing out on the couch with food on the stove. Even spending all our money and leaving us with nothing to live on. I know the best thing to do obviously is to leave, but some people do not have that option when stuff like that is going on. So then what do you do? How do you let that go? For me it was always way harder to keep cool when he was jeopardizing the safety and well being of everyone else. Just out of curiosity, if you aren't in the position to leave, what do you do then?

Zoey

On my post I said I thought these suggestions best for both, but yes, each person is different, each couple different. We always need to remember to take what WE CAN USE and leave the rest. Some of us are in impossible situations with childern and finances.
If and when we read these questions and answers in a book, we accept or reject. deceide can do, or can't do. and not feel guilty.

Don't feel guilty, come and vent if needed, it helps to type it out. relieves some of the stress and unhappiness. I for one understand.
I did not intend to sound positive or dictate, it was just my suggestion and thoughts from my spot as of today.

If you can't leave try to stay close to your group, and hopefully a good sponser that has BTDT perhaps would be my suggestion. I bet you do????

denny57

My personal experience was to let the A be. The only times I became angry and let him know it was when what he did had a direct impact on me - i.e. verbal abuse, not handing over the keys to drive, and in the later stages, the infidelity. Now, that sounds like I never let him be :-). The actual example never happened, but similar things did, and I would let the chips fall. I was practicing detachment before I knew the word existed. There was plenty I was not handling correctly; mostly boundaries. I really did believe if I let him suffer the consequenes of his actions he would wake up and get his life in order. I knew nothing about the physical facts of addiction.

BigSis

Ok... my recovery isn't strong enough, I would manipulate. I would turn ON the lawn sprinklers, then act surprised when he came in and blame it on the auto-timer.

Aquiana makes a good point. How do I react when it gets "personal" and when it's not only my serenity, but my safety and the safety of my children, and I may not be able to leave that night or during the moment.

I think I have to remember that eventually, I can leave. It won't be comfortable, and I may end up sacrificing a decent home for a welfare apartment... but safety is incredibly precious... and sometimes expensive.

I would hope I could view it as just "another" disaster. Folks lose homes to fires, cars to accidents... we are all just one incident away from losing our security. If accept that I can get through this, that HP is helping me and that the situation is temporary... I might be able to better pull it off.

I say that because when I was in an abusive relationship, I did not leave. I was not willing to sacrifice my security, my home, my lifestyle that I had worked so hard to acheive. I look back on that with some regret... yes, I learned from staying that my true boundaries had really been left back in the dust. I learned that I do have limits, and I don't want to reach them again. But I do wish I could have listened to my inner voice that said, "Get out. Get out, now." I've had some amends to make to the very ones I thought I was protecting because I chose the "more secure" route of staying.

There are women in my home group who are living with active addiction and handling just as Carol describes we should. I am impressed by their dedication and strength of their program. What incredible examples they are to their children. If codependence is a learned behavior, their kids should be able to "not" learn it in this generation.

LaTeeDa

I may be way off base here, but I think there is always a choice. I mean, how can you "choose" to stay if there is no other option. I also don't believe in "impossible" situations. Difficult, excrutiating, yes. Impossible, no. Now, I know there are still places in the world where women are devalued and really have few, if any, options. But I also suspect that those women do not have the freedom to post here, so I am not addressing those situations.

I realize that the obstacles to leaving can be gigantic and seemingly impossible, but if you don't give yourself that option, you really are making yourself the victim. Leaving is THE MOST DIFFICULT option there is, even for those of us without financial obstacles. (I am including staying where you are and forcing the other to leave in my definition of leaving)

Maybe I'm wrong, but if you ask those on this board who have chosen to stay, I'm guessing that leaving was or still is an option they consider themselves to have. They have CHOSEN to stay. Having an option is different from exercising it.

If you do not *believe* you have choices, then you don't. And that is tragic.

L

Zoey

Just a suggestion, I think if need to get out ,even if no physical abuse or danger, one could call and visit with a shelter for women, as I beleave they try to help, it is something good to check out, then we know one more thing just in case.

We love them, thats OK, It is OK not to leave, that is a choice.

BigSis

I've posted this before, but is bears repeating. One of the most INFLUENTIAL things that happened while I was in that abusive relationship was when a counselor ...gave me permission to return. She had me outline why I was staying and then told me it was ok to go back.

Incredible. I CHOSE to go back. I was no longer a victim. I was not "trapped". I was not imprisoned. I CHOSE. She told me that since I had chosen to return, I could now choose, at some point, to leave. And a few months later, I did.

Breaking through that 'victim' thinking is difficult. More than one "friend" told me that I was only staying because I must like it. More than one loving relative told me I "deserved" it. And one even told me that I "asked" for it. Yeah... now THERE was some support. Sigh. I was lead to that wonderful counselor. HP knew where to take me to get me to where I needed to be.

dax

In doing what you say is the right thing by ignoring what he has done and just go on as if nothing has happened, most alcoholic will be pleased they have gotten away with unacceptable behavior. The spouse is left feeling deep down anger[ let's face it - that would be a normal reaction]. I say there has to be a balance here. This post is putting the responsiblity for helping the alcoholic on the sober spouse. Really no matter what one does, the alcoholic must hit his own bottom. Ignorging the situation might work for some- really getting ready to leave worked for me. I agree that no amount of yelling will get the alcoholic sober- but holding in anger can hurt you also. balance is the key.
I know what I would have done since my husband spent several nights in the cat room being unable to get in the house. After spending a night with a group of happy cats sleeping on his drunken body, I would have said a few ugly words and then handed him a job list. I got much more done around the house when he was drinking- out of guilt of course. But it helped me a lot and his doing the jobs made me less angry.
Once in the program he was off and sharing so much, I rarely saw him and the house fell in ruins. But it was better once he was sober- for awhile anyway. dax

SaTiT

Not sure what the correct actions would be.
However this is what I did. The rescuer/enabler.
My reasoning or excuse, She'S a woman and he might get rape,
or I was afriad she might kill someone. I heard on the radio
that a drunk driver killed some young peaple that week, so
I hide her keys when she's drunk. I knew I couldn't stop
her from drinking.

But after that , I found myself shaking at times knowing
she was drunk, spaced and out and about somewhere.

It went from that to... It was so chaotic
the only peace I got was when she was out in a run.
I dreaded the days after her binge. The wreackage,
the arguments, the insanity.
I also hated the dayz leading up to her binge. The constant
instigating, or of finding ways or starting a fight for any little
thing, real or unreal, so she can go on her binge.
To get away from me... she'll say.
But There's millions of places to go and things to do beside
gettting drunk and gambling.
That dosen't register with her....basically she's incapable.
She's gone, the disease had taken her.

So...once I started accepting that. Acceptence is a s.o.b.

Eventaully, i just let the sheit hit the fan sort of speak.
She blames me for it of course. She says or thinks, I planed
my life or this so freaken will.... to go thorugh a living hell.

denny57

dax, maybe that is your normal reaction. I did not get angry. In fact, I found an inner peace in not reacting to someone else's behavior. And yes, I suppose some A's would be pleased they "got away" with unacceptable behavior. Good for them. As long as they clean up their end of it. It's difficult to get away with something if no one around you reacts to what you are doing. You are just doing.

amarie

I haven't posted here in a long time because everything has been okay. I'm not saying he's not drinking, but he's not binging and he's staying home. But what would I do if he were passed out on the front lawn?? I think I would go out and start mowing the lawn!

minnie

What would I do? Leave him there, then when he came in I would tell him if he did it again, then his belongings would be out there with him.

Pretending it didn't happen is not an option for me, but then it all depends on where your boundaries are, I guess.

Morning Glory

I think balance is the key too dax. It doesn't do a lot of good to start with the big things and then end up holding in all the anger and resentments that harm us. I also don't think the goal should be to help the person get sober even though that might be one outcome of our reactions.

I think the goal is to live the best life we can live with the choices we make. I play all the parts. The Rescuer, the Provoker, and the Martyr. I think the balance would be protecting myself financially, emotionally, and physically. I need a plan to do that. I can open my own bank account. I can have a place to go when things get ugly. This helps me to get out of the martyr role. When I feel like provoking I can choose to go shopping or to a movie instead until I calm down. Rescuing is the hardest for me. That's my biggest risk area. I've had to practice a lot and lose sleep and pray and pace and go through a lot of pain when I don't rescue.

It helps me to look at my reactions and ask myself what the outcome will be if I choose to react in one of the ways listed above. Most of the time doing nothing and continuing to live my life has the better outcome. I can choose to leave if I want to, but changing the person so I can stay and live life my way doesn't work very well.

StandingStrong

The question is an interesting one for me. I can tell you how I would have reacted a year ago. I can also tell you how I'd react today. However, you have to realize that ah and I no longer live together either which definately puts a change in my answer as well as my attitude.
I do though have some problems with the correct answer that was posted. Perhaps it's fine for others - but I really do not think I could possibly just accept that behaviour and continue on in my daily life without it affecting me. As was mentioned by another poster - what about the embarrassment to the children involved? We all know how cruel children can be to each other. Plus I'd think that to have the whole neighborhood either feeling sorry for you or feeling you are totally stupid for sticking with the guy who by now probably has quite the reputation would make it near impossible for you to be readily accepted by your neighbors/peers. So I'd think that in that situation, you'd more than likely withdraw from others - which isn't a good thing when you live w/ an A. Also, to not say one thing to the A? Sorry, I'd have to say something or give him at least one look. There is no way that I'd be willing to accept the unacceptable behaviour without any reaction. Sorry, but I couldn't. His actions were disrespectful to our family, etc. and I'd not just act as though all was fine. As was mentioned previously by someone else - I think by not reacting at all, it can give the A a sense of permission, if you will, to continue the behaviour. What about boundaries? What if this particular incident fell against one of the boundaries that you have set? Again, by not reacting, you've possibly just shown him once again that this behaviour is accepted.

Years ago, I would have been the one to let him know exactly how I felt about the situation. I"d have rescued him that night, followed by playing the provoker till my rage was over and then followed onto the martyr behaviour for the rest of the day or two.
Today I would leave him out on the lawn. However, I would just simply roll my eyes at him and shake my head when he finally ventured out of slumberland. That may not be the correct answer for you all - but for me, it makes sense. He knows I'm disgusted with his actions and yet I've not over reacted as I'd have done before.
But also, if this fell into a boundary that I'd set - I'd also be following that boundary through, and that reaction then would depend on what the boundary and whatnot is.