Tiredx5

Hi All!
I wanted to write yesterday, but had to process what just happened. My AH stopped by the house yesterday afternoon to "see the kids". We have been separated since February 3 and he asked yesterday if "we" were getting better! I looked at him and said "WHAT?! I haven't seen any actions from you showing me there has been any changing". He started on me about my oldest son and he told me that he felt that my son living with me was the "reason" for our problems! And how the separation it was tough on AH but not on me and that I OWED HIM another chance. And WHAT LIES am I telling my family cause they act differently towards him. I lost it then...my family still talks to him, but his family shuns me! (that's not a surprise ... they are a family of 10 sibblings all with addiction problems of some sort!).

I regained my composure and went back to the "reason" for our problems and asked him if he didn't think alcohol was the problem and he said NO. When I asked him why, he said "cause I cut down, I work 2 jobs and I pay my bills". ARGH...so then he asked what he needed to do so that he could move back...I looked at him dumbfounded. I said you need to work on your problems before I consider "us".

My dilemia...he wants me to spell out exactly what he needs to do to work on the problems and if he does them, he will EXPECT to come back here. I am tired of manipulation on both our parts. I don't want to manipulate him to stop drinking anymore. I also don't want to set up any FALSE hopes. I will "consider" however, if I don't see different people (both of us) emerge from the ashes, there won't ever be a "us" again.

Should I spell it out for him what step I think he should take and then drop it? Or should I let him figure out what he needs to do on his own? Clearly he doesn't think alcohol is a problem!

I feel so confused!
Ros

ASpouse

NO NO and NO! You already did, perhaps not clearly enough. You can tell him clearly, calmly and succinctly that you do not want to live with someone who drinks (cause you don't). You can let him know once his brain and body are free of booze for at least 6 months, then MAYBE, just MAYBE you will start to talk about us. Have you gone to or do you go to Al Anon? Then .......... NO CONTACT!

Stop playing these games, if you are separated, then you are separated.

best

I still don't listen to my wife and I know she is right 99% of the time. Well ok I do listen more but in my past I never listened.
A list coming from you will be just that ...a list.
AA meetings and working the steps because "he" wants to will gain him understanding of what is needed.For me, my eyes didn't open up till I started reading the bible and started working on me and my character flaws.
He can change. It can work. He needs to want it and the want needs be his choice, not your list.

here is the only list I think you should give him...

Go to meetings and see if you can find the answers on your own and/or read the bible and see what answers can be found there.
His choice to find them at that point.

equus

I've never really known what seperation is and I suspect it's different for each person anyway. Divorce is simple - it's done, marriage over. Seperation might be anything from needing (literally not cheesily) some space to work on how to get back to a means to live apart while a divorce goes through.

When you seperated did you talk about what it meant to you both?

Tiredx5

Judy,
Yes, I have started going to f2f al-anon meetings. Unfortunately my schedule is rather tight and I can only go to 1 meeting a week. I am trying to work my schedule such that I might be able to attend a couple others during the week day as well. I go to my counselor every other week as well.

Equus,
Yes we did talk about what this separation meant. He felt it would be a time for us to be apart and that I would find that I truly missed him and loved him and wanted him back. I told him I needed to have some time away from him and his drinking. I needed time to work on me, and to decide if divorce was what I wanted.

No contact...HA. He doesn't give the moss time to grow!

equus

Then that's your answer. Tell him you needed the time to figure out what you needed to do - NOT what he needed to do.

Ayers1995

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of ya Tiredx5... going through the same things... so can't offer too much advice... Just do what you think is best.

Is he attending counseling alone or with you?

megamysterioso

Hi Tired and am sorry for all that you are going through. I don't think you should spell out anything to him. He already KNOWS that the alcohol is the issue with you, but he doesn't care b/c HE doesn't think it is a problem at all. All that junk about paying bills, "cutting back", etc. just doesn't cut it. To me the worst thing about trying to survive in a relationship with an alcoholic spouse is the EMOTIONAL DIVIDE that it creates. When he is drunk and you are sober, you CANNOT relate to each other the way a couple should. It is physiologically impossible since you are truly not even on the same wavelength with your partner. Emotional distance grows and grows and grows.

He knows what he needs to do or else he is real thick. He's just not willing to do it and you need to carry on with your own plans.

denny57

If someone said this to me, I would think they just need some "time away." Have you told him he needs to stop drinking before you'd even consider the "us?" If you're really just looking for a break from it all, I could see where he might be confused. Maybe I am from the post.

Pick-a-name

Ros: Believe it or not, I KNOW this feeling. AH and I have been living separated for several years, HE moved out, HE filed for divorce,He has OW (lies about) and lies about other things...........why? Because the kids and I will no longer live with his drinking and it's (raging,etc) behavior. The other day were discussing a few things, our kids are now to the point they are no longer returning his phone calls, etc because of these things and a major lie,etc he told us all (regarding working through a few things before I will sign the divorce papers....he did without keeping word to them or me about it, submitted them and we found out by accident even though he was here at the house cleaning (?!) for several hours a day or two before we learned) He moaned and groaned about how lonely he was, kids won't talk to him,blah,blah,blah and asked why have we and are we treating HIM that way? ugh...........this is a rhetorical question,right? I told him by some slight chance I would run through this one more time what WE want/need to see from him.....that it was his choice, but that it is our choice not to put up with anything less. He still doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it......probably both.

Wish I could take the frying pan to him!

Crazy,crazy disease!!!!!!

BTW: I emailed this response.......kept it as detatched as possible; no mention of the attempts for pity. Works better for me that way than f2f in situations like this.

Cynay

You know when I went thought this the first time my councelor told me to write a letter.

Being VERY specific about what would need to happen before I would even entertain the though of working on the marriage. SO I wrote the letter ... ran it past the councelor and then make a copy and sent it.... after that if the subject came up I would refer to the letter... made it real easy to keep my boundries.

Tiredx5

I like the frying pan...and the letter!

Denny, yes I can see where that is confusing! I am hesitant to say I won't live with you if you are drinking, cause he will take that not drinking as the only thing he needs to do...when in fact it is not drinking ever again, working a program and regaining my trust (which I doubt that can happen with as many times as he's hurt me).

HUMMM....frying pan for me? Letter to him? LOL

Pick-a-name

Sounds like a plan! haha