kennethhoff

Six months ago, I got in touch with a old friend that i knew long ago. We weren't very close, but we did know each other. Since then I have been emailing back/forth with her. I have found everything she said about how happy her life was, is not. She has alot of emotional issues with family, friends, etc.. and I have tried to befriend her. I got her to reconcile with her mom, her old friend, and now after our last talk, I think she needs alanon.
The problem is that she is going thru so much, that when I email her, if I say something she doesn't like she goes off on me. Lately, I knew someone who I had problems with, who knows her and was going to see her. When I asked if this person asked about me, she went off on me again. Somedays she's ok, some not. I know I have issues as an ACOA too, but I try to do the best I can. I'm in alanon too.
I am wondering if I should tell her if she can't talk with me rationally, that until she goes to Alanon (which she says she is, but still won't commit to going), should I detach from her? I'd like to help her, but I know I can't. Only she can and like I said, sometimes she is a help to me even, but sometimes she is off. Just wondering waht to do at this point?

Ken

TheGirlInside

Kenneth,

Here's my best shot.

I had a friend, similar situation...she seemed to be looking for answers, as to why she was afraid to leave her house, why her two young children do not appreciate her, and so on. I called her often (even when she didn't call me for weeks), and offered her some ACOA and al-anon literature (her ex husband is an alcoholic), also for the children, a brochure that says, "My parent drinks too much".

My friend took these books and pamphlets and such graciously, and said that she'd read them, but didn't seem to take any of them to heart. She went to the internet constantly, on WebMD and the like, to find the true source of her problems. As I grew in my recovery, I more or less began to drift away from her. I didn't threaten her that she needs a meeting (but I can understand your frustration), but did invite her to come to one anytime.

I haven't heard from her nor called her in a few months, probably. Which is too bad, because she is a really great, giving, loving person, who exhibits numerous Adult Child behaviors.

I guess the best I can hope for is that she finds her answers in her own way. She thinks she has aspartame poisoning, and has ADD, and so on, but is as yet unable to make the link that her horrific childhood has something to do with her current issues.

I'll tell you what a friend in AA told me: Don't call her for a while, and see if you get a call back. If she should call, listen to how she talks to you (i.e. is she trying to get you to feel sympathy, or do something for her, or just calling to reach out to a friend?

I still send my friend the occasional uplifting forward email, and hear nothing back. All I can do is plant the seed, I guess. There are those of us who require a little more "fertilizer" from life, if you get my drift.

Best Wishes

"An act of Kindness is never a mistake..."
"The smallest act of Kindness is greater than the grandest intention."

GettingFree

Hi Kenneth,

I actually had some reactions to your post. I think this is because I have worked very hard on establishing healthy boundaries in the last couple of years, both creating them for myself and respecting those of others. Sounds like you're pretty invested in fixing this person and her problems. And sometimes what we think of as helping people can be a double-edged sword.

In what you wrote above, I actually bristled a bit at the word "befriend". Applying it to myself, it would bother me if someone saw themselves as befriending me. That sounds like an unequal relationship, based on something to do with care bordering on pity in which the 'befriender' is the benefactor to the 'befriendee'. My preference is to have friends who I see and see me as equals, who have a friendship with me because of who I am -- and who accept me. Sometimes the balance shifts -- one friend is providing support, the other leaning -- and then it can shift the other way. But the idea is for a friendship to be balanced.

When you say "I got her to reconcile with her mom etc" it sounds like you have an agenda for her and are making judgments on what's good for her. That's really up to her to do. But maybe I'm misunderstanding -- the point would be, did she want a reconciliation with her mom before this happened, did she voice this and ask directly for your help in these reconciliations? Or were you urging her in a direction?

Given some of what you've already said, I'm wondering what kinds of things you're saying in your emails that she goes off on. Is it in the area of advice for her? Is it comments on what she should/shouldn't do regarding her problems?

Just a comment if this may be what's going on: unsolicited advice is one of the most common, but pretty damaging, boundary violations. And a lot of us ACOAs haven't learned how to put up a boundary about people telling us what to do, and how to fix our problems. It can have significant impact to our sense of self and our confidence -- and it can breed huge resentments in the receiver that can come out sideways and unexpectedly, even though they may feel appreciative at first. At the same time, if the advice giver has an agenda, they can start to feel resentment when the advice isn't taken. And it sounds like you are resenting her and feel frustrated if she doesn't follow the program you think she should.

Even with my teenage/young adult children now, I'm learning that when they come to me describing a 'problem', I try to remember to ask first, "Are you looking for some advice or feedback?" before launching into my kneejerk tendency to tell them an answer that I see to fix it.

What to do at this point? You might start by putting the focus on you. Us codies are really good at telling the other person what's wrong with them, and delivering this kind of ultimatum is pretty controlling and aggressive.

It's like saying to her, "Until you fix yourself, and take the steps I think you should, I don't want to relate with you." If what you describe as her irrationality is too uncomfortable or unpleasant for you, you can make the decision to limit, or stop, your interaction with her without delivering an ultimatum.

I ended up pulling away from one friend in particular after I truly started down the road of recovery and healing. I watched as he continued to damage himself through self-harm and sexual addiction, and it just got too uncomfortable for me to spend time with him. Did I have thoughts on what he 'should' do? You bet, and I voiced my concerns. But not repeatedly. I knew he was where he was in his journey, and respected him for being where he was and it wasn't my role to stay on his case or be the fixer. I also hoped that he would get to a point where he could begin to heal -- and at the same time I needed to respect myself and my own needs at that time, which were to detach. I still care for him a lot, and it pained me to pull back.

I'd also perhaps suggest asking yourself what you're getting from the relationship. Do you enjoy spending time with her? Are there other aspects to the relationship that have nothing to do with life's problems that are enjoyable. Are those balanced in relation to the other stuff? If the answer's yes, you might want to ask if you can accept the whole person, warts and all. If not, it can be a pretty thankless and exhausting job to be the role of fixer.

You might also want to look at why what she does concerning her issues has as much of an impact on you as it does? They are, after all, her problems, not yours.

I'm still learning about this stuff but have made some important headway. Maybe my own issues with boundaries and fixing others is leading me to misinterpret your post -- if so, I apologize. That said, one book that helped me a lot with this stuff was Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Just a suggestion if anything I've said has resonated in any way.

best,
gf

kennethhoff

Thank you to all who wrote. I appreciate the advice and take it only constructively. I did talk with a friend who gave me some good advice and it helped me to answer my question. The advice given to me is to always ask yourself the question "What is my motivation?". And in looking at it honestly, I know my motivation at least is very good. But in Alanon I have learned I cannot change others so I choose not to now. I gave her all the info she needs, now it is up to her to do with as she pleases. I communicated wrong in my previous post that it was I who got her to reconcile when all I did was talk with her, and she made the decisions to reconcile with whom she neeeded.
My choice now is to let go. AT some point I have had to learn to value myself enough to not be abused by another because of their issues. That is simply taking care of oneself. And that is what I choose to do. So I will wish her peace and health, but this "friendship" may dissapear and if so, I am ok with it.

So thank you all once again and only the best to you.
Ken

GettingFree

Glad you reached a sense of resolution. Even though we know it's what we need to do to take care of ourselves, detaching from someone usually brings a sense of loss -- sometimes of what actually was, sometimes of what we had hoped for.

Feeling for you.

all the best
gf