Super Bowl Mom's--and the Play of the game.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Super Bowl Mom's--and the Play of the game.
Hello Team,
I hav the chance to share a victory for a change-- it may not be
headline news, but I feel it is newsworthy so here goes:
My 19 yr old daughter hs moved bk home to save money for college courses--she hd been sharing an apartment for about half a year. Before she moved out she ws paying us $12.00 per week
and just before she left I raised it to 20.00 when she adv me tht
she would be paying 80.00 per week to her new landlord. Eventually they wnt up on the rent and she ws paying $100.00 per week to them. She ws supposed to pay us 50.00 per week
for a car loan. Many times I didn't get tht payment and carried the car loan payment for her ( she hd a big car repair bill )and tht put her behind. Anyhow this ws the second time she hd moved out so I said to myself tht I wouldn't try and rescue her this time
and ask her to cme bk home. This ws victory #1 for me bec there
were issues w her living arraingment tht I wsn't happy with but at 19 and how headstrong she is I would just raise the questions
she would get defensive and then I would let it go. I felt tht if she wnted to cme bk she would hv to be the one to ask and she did stating tht she wouldn't be able to save money for college if she stay there. I didn't immediately say Sure cme on home and I told her tht I ws sorry tht I just couldn't say tht but too much hd happened so we wnt over the rules and I adv her tht I ws in a different plc now in my life and tht in the pst when she hdn't followed the rules she ws still allowed to live here--I told her tht I didn't need to search for evidence anymore--tht her behavior would tell me if she ws sliding bk down. (she still resents tht I searched thru her stuff in the pst) Anyhow she tells me tht she too hs changed and she is ready to repect us now.. I said I hope so bec if it gets bad then this time You wil hv to find anthr plc to stay. Now Victory # 2-- I adv her tht we decided her rent with us now would be $40.00 per week. So she makes a big face and
starts saying how it wouldn't mk tht much difference paying tht cmpared to wht she ws paying them. I said you were paying them 100.00 per week , tht means it is a 20.00 difference it is 60.00 difference. I started to say if the 40.00 per week is a problm thn you cn and then I STOPPED MYSELF MID SENTENCE, AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF -- YOU MIGHT CONSIDER THIS A PROBLEM FOR YOU, BUT IT ISN'T A PROBLEM FOR ME YOU NEED TO PAY US 40.00 PER WEEK AND THTS THT AND I WS ABLE TO LET IT GO AND NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN HVING TO DEFEND MY POSITION. Her not liking the 40.00 and wishing it ws 30.00 or 35.00 instead ws ok. She could live with the uncomfortable feeling and i didn't hv to rescue her from her discomfort, and I didn't hv to feel her feelings for her, I hd my own feelings about this situation and I ws comfortable with them.. This ws big for me
and I knw tht you Mom's cn understand why. So I just wnted to share some good. Now think bk Mom's or think forward (whtever works) wht hs been a sweet victory for you and yours.
Looking forward to hearing from you all.
Keep your sense of humor and you won't lose your peace of mind.!
Hugs and Blessings to you
Sparrow
I hav the chance to share a victory for a change-- it may not be
headline news, but I feel it is newsworthy so here goes:
My 19 yr old daughter hs moved bk home to save money for college courses--she hd been sharing an apartment for about half a year. Before she moved out she ws paying us $12.00 per week
and just before she left I raised it to 20.00 when she adv me tht
she would be paying 80.00 per week to her new landlord. Eventually they wnt up on the rent and she ws paying $100.00 per week to them. She ws supposed to pay us 50.00 per week
for a car loan. Many times I didn't get tht payment and carried the car loan payment for her ( she hd a big car repair bill )and tht put her behind. Anyhow this ws the second time she hd moved out so I said to myself tht I wouldn't try and rescue her this time
and ask her to cme bk home. This ws victory #1 for me bec there
were issues w her living arraingment tht I wsn't happy with but at 19 and how headstrong she is I would just raise the questions
she would get defensive and then I would let it go. I felt tht if she wnted to cme bk she would hv to be the one to ask and she did stating tht she wouldn't be able to save money for college if she stay there. I didn't immediately say Sure cme on home and I told her tht I ws sorry tht I just couldn't say tht but too much hd happened so we wnt over the rules and I adv her tht I ws in a different plc now in my life and tht in the pst when she hdn't followed the rules she ws still allowed to live here--I told her tht I didn't need to search for evidence anymore--tht her behavior would tell me if she ws sliding bk down. (she still resents tht I searched thru her stuff in the pst) Anyhow she tells me tht she too hs changed and she is ready to repect us now.. I said I hope so bec if it gets bad then this time You wil hv to find anthr plc to stay. Now Victory # 2-- I adv her tht we decided her rent with us now would be $40.00 per week. So she makes a big face and
starts saying how it wouldn't mk tht much difference paying tht cmpared to wht she ws paying them. I said you were paying them 100.00 per week , tht means it is a 20.00 difference it is 60.00 difference. I started to say if the 40.00 per week is a problm thn you cn and then I STOPPED MYSELF MID SENTENCE, AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF -- YOU MIGHT CONSIDER THIS A PROBLEM FOR YOU, BUT IT ISN'T A PROBLEM FOR ME YOU NEED TO PAY US 40.00 PER WEEK AND THTS THT AND I WS ABLE TO LET IT GO AND NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN HVING TO DEFEND MY POSITION. Her not liking the 40.00 and wishing it ws 30.00 or 35.00 instead ws ok. She could live with the uncomfortable feeling and i didn't hv to rescue her from her discomfort, and I didn't hv to feel her feelings for her, I hd my own feelings about this situation and I ws comfortable with them.. This ws big for me
and I knw tht you Mom's cn understand why. So I just wnted to share some good. Now think bk Mom's or think forward (whtever works) wht hs been a sweet victory for you and yours.
Looking forward to hearing from you all.
Keep your sense of humor and you won't lose your peace of mind.!
Hugs and Blessings to you
Sparrow
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi sparrow,
That's wonderful news. My victory I guess is that I don't listen to blame anymore and I don't take on the responsibility to fix my son's problems. I don't have him living in my home anymore making promises he doesn't fullfill.
He is living is life now as an adult should. I am no longer the wierd lady on the block with her 30 year old son living with her. I'm just the wierd lady on the block now.
Hugs,
MG
That's wonderful news. My victory I guess is that I don't listen to blame anymore and I don't take on the responsibility to fix my son's problems. I don't have him living in my home anymore making promises he doesn't fullfill.
He is living is life now as an adult should. I am no longer the wierd lady on the block with her 30 year old son living with her. I'm just the wierd lady on the block now.
Hugs,
MG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Sparrow,
Good for you!! The Beav is living at home and I have had to lay down the law too and when he starts complaining I stop participating. (Thanks Ann!) "This is how it is going to be in my house....his problem not mine!" No guilt, no second guessing. It is very freeing!!
Hugs,
JT
Good for you!! The Beav is living at home and I have had to lay down the law too and when he starts complaining I stop participating. (Thanks Ann!) "This is how it is going to be in my house....his problem not mine!" No guilt, no second guessing. It is very freeing!!
Hugs,
JT
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Great Post Sparrow!!!! With your boundaries in place, I have a feeling that your daughter will appreciate and respect that this is YOUR home, and my prayers go our for all of you that it works well.
My greatest victory, was the ability to say "NO". And I learned to say it many ways that were effective. When my son asked me for money for something that I questioned, rather than challenge his request, I just learned to say "Sorry, I don't have any money right now". I learned to say "it's time for you to leave" when he got mouthy in my home, and I learned to say "we'll have to talk some other time" when the phone conversation got heated.
Touchdown!!!!
My greatest victory, was the ability to say "NO". And I learned to say it many ways that were effective. When my son asked me for money for something that I questioned, rather than challenge his request, I just learned to say "Sorry, I don't have any money right now". I learned to say "it's time for you to leave" when he got mouthy in my home, and I learned to say "we'll have to talk some other time" when the phone conversation got heated.
Touchdown!!!!
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