rockell333

Hi i have been "dating" this guy for about a year and i have known him for almost 2. When we met i was told he was a recovering alcoholic for 9 years. he was the best man i have ever been with. he has a lot of baggage besides the alcoholism but i think his personality change is more about the alcohol. in january he got plastered and since we live far away from each other i simply kept calling him until he answered the phone and cried to me because he missed work and got drunk.

he then admitted that he had been having a few for awhile.

he said that was it.. he realized he can never have just one.

well i have really needed him lately and instead of being there he has been mean and hurtful and is avoiding me. he also is trying to tell me that we were not really anything but friends. (he also has some baggage with relationships too) the reason i am here is that i think the alcohol is more in play. he avoided me for awhile and i drove to his house. at one point i walked outside to my car and when i came back he smelled like a beer.. i questioned him and he said yeah i had 8 tonight and just downed one when you went to the car. i tried to talk to him about our relationship as he got angrier and angrier. everything snaps him. i am worried.. there is more but is this the disease????

prodigal

He can stop drinking and still pull a "dry drunk" with all the crappy behaviors he has exhibited while drinking. You can stop a drunk from drinking and they will still behave like butt-heads. Thus, the 12 steps that will restore them to sanity are crucial, in my opinion. Do I believe alcoholism is a disease? Yes. I believe if you give an alcoholic booze - and if they are being subjected to whatever stressor throws them into emotional chaos - they will get drunk or, worse yet, go on a bender. Sometimes it doesn't even take any particular stress. After all, "we deal with alcohol, baffling, cunning, powerful..."

I know a gal in Al-Anon whose husband hasn't touched a drop in over two years, yet he is still disrespectful and sometimes downright abusive to her. The fact that an alcoholic stops drinking does not stop his crappy alcoholic behavior.

Alcoholism is a disease of the body and the mind. The addiction, or "allergy" to alcohol, is uncontrolable. The trigger within each alcoholic is their own. Their outlook on life and sense of reality is skewed and actually nutty.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. The only thing you have the power to do is deal with your own issues. So many of us stick around way past the time we should. But it's your choice as to whether you stay or leave and whether or not you decide to live (or not live) with an alcoholic who is not in recovery,

gelfling

If you need help or support, look up alanon or consider counselling. The living distance between you doesn't make for a good relationship to begin with. He's told you where he stands. Now it's time for you to develop new friendships and a new life.

He admits to other relationship problems...that's what called a red flag. Alcohol or no alcohol, there are other underlying problems.

Blessings

equus

Welcome to SR!!

It sounds like you have your hands full at the moment? One thing that strikes me is that if he's telling you that you're no more than friends to believe him. Perhaps you know that's not the case for you but he has the final say on whether it is the case for him.

It really does sound as though he's putting distance between you and maybe it's worth thinking about accepting that?

Mind you it's not easy to tell from a single post so I might be talking crud! (Except for saying believe him when he tells you he feels no more than friends!).

Take care and make sure YOU are ok through this, if you feel as though you need extra help try to seek it out.

rockell333

i understand what you all are saying.. my question i dont think was clear here.. everything was fine.. he was into the whole thing.. a little nervous about the relationship but never mean and always a wonderful boyfriend.. he had his doubts.. but it seems every time i hear he is drinking again he starts to be mean and act like nothing existed between us at all and starts to be distant and then he comes back apologizes and begins to be the perfect man all over again... is this the disease and a sign that he is full blown drinking again or is it simply what he says.. it seems from all i have heard and read (i was living with a roomate during most of this relationship who was in recovery) that most of this is a sign of the drinking.. if that is the case i dont want to completely leave him right now..

rockell333

o and the fact that two weeks ago he loved me and we were in a relationship.. ??????????????????????????????/

LaTeeDa

Trying to get into his head will only frustrate you. Put the focus where it belongs, on you. If he does love you, he will love you even more. If he doesn't you will still be better off if you are centered and at peace with yourself.

L

denny57

It might help if you gave him the time and space he seems to be looking for. If the relationship is important it might motivate him to recognize his problem. But I don't see how much more you can do. Maybe it's time for you to take the focus off him and put it back on you. I know I spent an awful lot of time trying to figure out my AH. It took me a long time there's just no rhyme or reason to any of it as long as alcohol is in the mix. Take care of yourself.

Zoey

Has he kept up with his AA meetings in those 9 years or since you met him.??

If he hasn't,,that could mean he hasn't learned to live life on life's terms.

Please go to Al-Anon to learn more. and keep coming back here to ask questions and learn more or just vent. You are not alone, we can't or shouldn't give advise, but we understand and listen, which helps everything, as someone here, has been there, done that. HUGS

I have always heard that for many A's relationships is one of the biggest causes of a slip. Relationships are difficult. Read everything you can.

Cynay

Welcome to SR..., glad you found us.

Not sure if its the drink or not and honestly Im not sure if you can know having a long distance relationship....

Now your talking about something I have extensive experience in... Longdistance relationships. I have been in more then a couple of them... and honestly only one of those was the person honest and really what he said he was. It is really easy to put your best forward when its not 24/7....

My ex-abf was sober 7 months when he called me and told me he loved me and if there was a chance for us.... 24 hours later I called him and he said he has never loved me and he and his ex wife were getting back together.

Bottom line is ... Stinking thinking.... dry drunk and not recovery.... I so glad I have had no contact since.

Daffodil

Hi and welcome to SR,

I have often wondered why I am in love with a dream of the relationship rather than with reality of the other person.

I do hope you will try al-anon, I don't know where I'd be today if I had never gone. With my home groups support and my sponsor and of course Sr I am finally mostly content and at peace with life on life's terms.

rockell333

just a response... no he does not go to meetings... and i know part of this is his own regular baggage... but i do believe there is more drinking then he is admitting.. he talks about alcohol alot more now... last night i tried to talk to him.. in person.. (he lives only about 25 miles away.. when i mentioned his drinking he said lower your voice (he is 40 but currently lives with parents... he wanted me to lower my voice because his father didnt know and he didnt want him to hear.. this is not a good sign.. part of me wants to tell his parents but i do not know them very well.. i just think if i walk away i would feel more comfortable knowing that someone is watching out for him.. i have had a horrible life to begin with i cant take another blow but i also cant walk away when someone is hurting.. sorry if this makes no sense.. have had no sleep.. thank you to all of those who replied.. i really needed some insight..

pmaslan

I'm sorry but all I can see are RED FLAGS all over the place....
Why not read the red flag thread and see what you think.....

elizabeth1979

Eek.
Rockell33, welcome to SR. When someone elses drinking is affecting your life, then Al-anon can help.

Where to begin.

Hes 40 and lives with his parents, ok fine. But, if he lives with them, you should not feel guilty about ending things with him, they are there. I know it seems like he NEEDS you, but trust me, he doesnt.
Even if you think he does NEED you, what he is saying to you straight out is I dont want you.
There has been a string of ladies here (and some gentlemen) who seem to have trouble leaving after the alcoholic says to them " I dont want you".

This is not his way of saying, help me I need you.


Ok, you can do better than this.

megamysterioso

There is probably more drinking than he is admitting and if I were you, I would walk away right now. You are lucky he is "letting you off the hook" by telling you that you two are "just friends." Take it for it's worth and RUN. Forget what he told you 2 weeks ago. Move on as you deserve a more stable relationship.

meli2005

It sounds to me that he is no longer in recovery from his disease. He needs to be actively seeking recovery. ALcohol is a disease of denial. THe alcoholic think that he can "have a few", etc. It's easy to get into that habbit. I would question whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Aquiana

It's been said before but you can't help him. The only life you can help save is your own. It's hard but if he says he wants you to back away, than that's the best thing in the world to do. If he is still trying to work on recovering, that is going to be his focus. A relationship is only going to make that harder because his focus will be split. Keep coming here and educate yourself on the disease. He very well could be doing you a big favor by letting you go. You said you have had a horrible life and until he gets into recovery on his own, it probably won't get any better with him. Please take care of yourself first.