Question about "detachment"...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Bennington, VT
Posts: 8
Question about "detachment"...
After reading so many of your heart-breaking stories, it seems the right thing to do for most of you to detach yourselves from your "A"'s. As I'm sure most of you have read in my threads, my A is in rehab right now after his 4th DUI. He has been in rehab before, and sober for a couple of years before. Some people have asked, what makes this time any different? What will stop him from just doing it again in a few years... pick up old habits? I guess I just don't want to believe that he will. That he loves me and my kids and that's the reason. His girlfriends in the past were drinkers and users and that didn't help him at all. I am not a drinker, nor do I use any sort of drug. So there will be no temptation there. I love this man... he is my soulmate. I couldn't even think of being with another. No, I didn't and don't like his drinking or using, nor did I like the man he was when he used. But he is in rehab now, making his life better for himself and for us. My question, I guess, would be... Do I absolutely HAVE to detach? I don't want to go anywhere and I don't want to leave him. I want to be here for him. I want to love him forever. I want to help him through this and make US stronger. I am taking care of myself... I have my own "things" and I work full time and I have fun with my children. Yes, things are tough with him not being able to drive, and facing jail time for the DUI, but I'm willing to be here for him. I have not attended any meetings yet, my first will be on Sunday, then a meeting with him and his counsler on Wednesday. Am I wrong to be thinking this way?? Do I absolutely HAVE to leave him in order for him to be sober??
This was longer than I expected, I'm sorry... I'm just kind of confused about it all. Thanks for listening!!!
Julie
This was longer than I expected, I'm sorry... I'm just kind of confused about it all. Thanks for listening!!!
Julie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Juliepro
Detaching is not about leaving. It is about giving up any ownership of their disease or their recovery, letting go of our need to control them, and learning to focus on ourselves and our own needs. Staying or leaving is a personal choice, and we have people here from both sides. Many are happy staying, and some can only find peace by leaving.
If you can attend any Al-anon or Nar-Anon meetings, they would help you begin your recovery. Also, read the powerposts at the top of the Al-anon and Nar-Anon boards here.
My prayers are with you.
Detaching is not about leaving. It is about giving up any ownership of their disease or their recovery, letting go of our need to control them, and learning to focus on ourselves and our own needs. Staying or leaving is a personal choice, and we have people here from both sides. Many are happy staying, and some can only find peace by leaving.
If you can attend any Al-anon or Nar-Anon meetings, they would help you begin your recovery. Also, read the powerposts at the top of the Al-anon and Nar-Anon boards here.
My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hi Juliepro!
You say alot of positive things. That is good that you feel strong about being there for your man. Going to meetings will help you alot and coming back here will too!
Just like Anns said you don't have to leave. You can learn to detach and stay and heal!
All the best to you, and prayers too,
matters
You say alot of positive things. That is good that you feel strong about being there for your man. Going to meetings will help you alot and coming back here will too!
Just like Anns said you don't have to leave. You can learn to detach and stay and heal!
All the best to you, and prayers too,
matters
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Detachment with Love
Al-Anon teaches families detachment with love Al-Anon, a self-help program for family members and friends of alcoholics, stresses detachment with love. And the essence of this skill is responding with choice instead of reacting with anxiety to the addict's behavior. How do we translate this into a tool for everyday living? One approach is a five-stage model used at Hazelden's Family Center. Here the overall goal for family members is to look inward at themselves instead of shining a relentless spotlight on the addicted person.
Stage 1: Calm down and think. In the first stage, family members practice lowering their anxiety level. Anxiety only fuels the family's distress and escalates the addict's symptoms.
A simple place to begin--and one that's easy to overlook--is physical exercise. Moderate exercise is inherently pleasurable. It sends calming messages to the brain and promotes relaxation. What's more, exercise redirects anxious energy that might normally flow into criticizing or blaming a family member.
In addition, family members can work with the mind. One way is to practice new habits of thinking--thoughts that help family members distinguish between what they can and cannot control.
As I learned more about detachment I began to learn acceptance. I learned to accept the fact that I could not change the past and had limited control over the present, even if I didn't like that idea. I also realized that I can control my reactions to other people's behavior, but I can't control their behavior."
Remembering three "C's" helped You did not CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE IT! Identify patterns of family behavior. Families are often hampered by outworn concepts of cause and effect. An alcoholic husband, for example, may be firmly convinced that he drinks because his wife nags. His wife, in turn, can easily hold the opposite: "I nag because he drinks." Through this kind of thinking, family members get trapped in a mutual gridlock. Blaming one person for "causing" the family's emotional distress becomes pointless.
In contrast, Al-Anon takes a "no-fault" approach. From this viewpoint, speaking of one person as "bad" and the rest of the family as affected "victims" is inaccurate. A more effective strategy is to step back and see the family's patterns of behavior as a whole.
Stage 3: See your role in the pattern. This stage brings the pattern closer to home. This aim, however, is not for family members to blame themselves. Instead it is simply to open up an avenue for change.
Self-confrontation comes before confronting another, Rather than seeing the chemically dependent person as the problem, we all need to see our own part in things."
Stage 4: Plan a simple change in yourself. This fourth stage involves setting a realistic goal. Sometimes family members, driven by anxiety, will set unattainable goals. Failing to reach them only creates more tension. The alternative is to make a limited plan with a clear chance of success.
Replace "why" with two simple questions: What can I do? And, what can I change to make this situation easier to cope with? This shifts her emotional lens from the past to the present, where she can exercise some choice.
Stage 5: Carry out the plan. At the Family Center, people experience some relief of anxiety and make a personal plan for change. This is an important place to begin. Yet it may not be enough to break old family patterns.
I detached with love and in my case my bf told me after 2 weeks that it is best to move on and it is not working out, which he told me in an angry voice, like I am the one who did wrong, I know better! I don't think he liked it very much that I stood up for myself and gave boundaries and such. In time he will see that what I did was the right thing. I know we love one another so much but I will not be with someone that abuses me, period! Yes I miss him like hell, not a day goes by, but he has to make that 1st step now and there is nothing I can do. The hardest part is being still and do nothing. I wish you luck!
Stage 1: Calm down and think. In the first stage, family members practice lowering their anxiety level. Anxiety only fuels the family's distress and escalates the addict's symptoms.
A simple place to begin--and one that's easy to overlook--is physical exercise. Moderate exercise is inherently pleasurable. It sends calming messages to the brain and promotes relaxation. What's more, exercise redirects anxious energy that might normally flow into criticizing or blaming a family member.
In addition, family members can work with the mind. One way is to practice new habits of thinking--thoughts that help family members distinguish between what they can and cannot control.
As I learned more about detachment I began to learn acceptance. I learned to accept the fact that I could not change the past and had limited control over the present, even if I didn't like that idea. I also realized that I can control my reactions to other people's behavior, but I can't control their behavior."
Remembering three "C's" helped You did not CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE IT! Identify patterns of family behavior. Families are often hampered by outworn concepts of cause and effect. An alcoholic husband, for example, may be firmly convinced that he drinks because his wife nags. His wife, in turn, can easily hold the opposite: "I nag because he drinks." Through this kind of thinking, family members get trapped in a mutual gridlock. Blaming one person for "causing" the family's emotional distress becomes pointless.
In contrast, Al-Anon takes a "no-fault" approach. From this viewpoint, speaking of one person as "bad" and the rest of the family as affected "victims" is inaccurate. A more effective strategy is to step back and see the family's patterns of behavior as a whole.
Stage 3: See your role in the pattern. This stage brings the pattern closer to home. This aim, however, is not for family members to blame themselves. Instead it is simply to open up an avenue for change.
Self-confrontation comes before confronting another, Rather than seeing the chemically dependent person as the problem, we all need to see our own part in things."
Stage 4: Plan a simple change in yourself. This fourth stage involves setting a realistic goal. Sometimes family members, driven by anxiety, will set unattainable goals. Failing to reach them only creates more tension. The alternative is to make a limited plan with a clear chance of success.
Replace "why" with two simple questions: What can I do? And, what can I change to make this situation easier to cope with? This shifts her emotional lens from the past to the present, where she can exercise some choice.
Stage 5: Carry out the plan. At the Family Center, people experience some relief of anxiety and make a personal plan for change. This is an important place to begin. Yet it may not be enough to break old family patterns.
I detached with love and in my case my bf told me after 2 weeks that it is best to move on and it is not working out, which he told me in an angry voice, like I am the one who did wrong, I know better! I don't think he liked it very much that I stood up for myself and gave boundaries and such. In time he will see that what I did was the right thing. I know we love one another so much but I will not be with someone that abuses me, period! Yes I miss him like hell, not a day goes by, but he has to make that 1st step now and there is nothing I can do. The hardest part is being still and do nothing. I wish you luck!
Last edited by prettywoman; 01-23-2003 at 04:53 AM.
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