He's doing it again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
He's doing it again
He's been on his "best behaviour" for the last few months as far as flirting/cybering with girls online goes....I told him if I caught him one more time we where finished, no second chances.
Had a funny feeling the last few days that he was up to something, he's been acting suspicious again, closing sites down as I walk in the room, changing his passwords to ones I don't know, adding girls to his MSN etc...
I asked him last night quite calmly if there was anything I should know about and explained I'd noticed he'd been acting differently, secretive etc...
He reassured me that he was just "mates" with the girls he spoke to (some of which I speak to too) and that he'd been on his best behaviour etc..
I wake up today and he immediatly closes this chat site we use down as I walk in the room. So I checked, most of his mails he'd deleted, but there was about 10 or so talking to some girl about sex, anal sex and how she had tried it once but didn't like it, and he repled "we'll have to get ya toughened up then *wink*" Telling her how big his manhood was, etc etc...
Ok, it's no where near as bad as some of the stuff I've read, infact it's quite tame for him, but I'm SO not amused.
What do I do? I want to kill him, tell him to leave...but I know he won't go so it'll turn into world war 3, then he'll have his "excuse" to get really drunk and then he'll get worse...I'm too tired to fight, but the thought of trying to be nice to him all night sickens me. Then it's his birthday tomorrow too...
Do I say anything or say nothing and see if he goes further...so far that I know he's past my limit and then I won't be so indecisive....
Argh! Why do they tell you to trust them when they're bare face lying!!
Had a funny feeling the last few days that he was up to something, he's been acting suspicious again, closing sites down as I walk in the room, changing his passwords to ones I don't know, adding girls to his MSN etc...
I asked him last night quite calmly if there was anything I should know about and explained I'd noticed he'd been acting differently, secretive etc...
He reassured me that he was just "mates" with the girls he spoke to (some of which I speak to too) and that he'd been on his best behaviour etc..
I wake up today and he immediatly closes this chat site we use down as I walk in the room. So I checked, most of his mails he'd deleted, but there was about 10 or so talking to some girl about sex, anal sex and how she had tried it once but didn't like it, and he repled "we'll have to get ya toughened up then *wink*" Telling her how big his manhood was, etc etc...
Ok, it's no where near as bad as some of the stuff I've read, infact it's quite tame for him, but I'm SO not amused.
What do I do? I want to kill him, tell him to leave...but I know he won't go so it'll turn into world war 3, then he'll have his "excuse" to get really drunk and then he'll get worse...I'm too tired to fight, but the thought of trying to be nice to him all night sickens me. Then it's his birthday tomorrow too...
Do I say anything or say nothing and see if he goes further...so far that I know he's past my limit and then I won't be so indecisive....
Argh! Why do they tell you to trust them when they're bare face lying!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by TheMissus
Do I say anything or say nothing and see if he goes further...so far that I know he's past my limit and then I won't be so indecisive....
Originally Posted by TheMissus
Argh! Why do they tell you to trust them when they're bare face lying!!
Seriously, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It's always painful.
(())
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Oh, hon,. I am sorry to hear that.
Well, you made your position quite clear. Did you mean it, though? Because if you didn't, and you've threatened before but stayed, then he knows he can get away with just about anything.
Tell me again what you get from this relationship.
Originally Posted by TheMissus
What do I do?
Originally Posted by TheMissus
I told him if I caught him one more time we where finished, no second chances.
Tell me again what you get from this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by TheMissus
i think i'm just scared of the heartbreak a split would cause, of missing him too much etc...guess I've become a codie!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I told him if I caught him one more time we where finished, no second chances.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Sorry this happened. For me, I would copy and save what you found, maybe print it out,too and sit on it until I decided what to do. Then I would have it when I told him that was it, enough......when he tries to dance around,etc you could just hand it to him and say, no.........not true, and leave.
(I would also have it to remind me of the truth of the situation because it seems after the crisis dies down for me, I numb myself to it and somehow try to minimize it to myself. In black and white it is so much harder to do.) That's just me, though.
Take your time and when you say something,mean it and be prepared to prove it with actions. You'll know when and what when the time comes. JMHO
(I would also have it to remind me of the truth of the situation because it seems after the crisis dies down for me, I numb myself to it and somehow try to minimize it to myself. In black and white it is so much harder to do.) That's just me, though.
Take your time and when you say something,mean it and be prepared to prove it with actions. You'll know when and what when the time comes. JMHO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Well he didn't start anything that night, I went to bed early, even though I wasn't that tired, just so I didn't have to sit and be nice to him.
He knows I saw his mails though...well he didn't but he guessed I had, and he deleted his account in temper because I was checking up on him again....he's sick of having his every move analyzed apparently...not my fault he's a liar and a cheat and can't be trusted though is it!
Anyway, he started kicking off last night so I just got up and went to bed, didn't want to hear his excuses or hear him twist everything to make it all my fault.
Had a talk this lunchtime, he was already half way to being drunk of course...told me there was nothing in what he was saying, they where just talking about what each of them like etc..she has a boyfriend, he's not interested in the slightest, it was just talking...but he also told me he fancies another friend of mine, but he didn't understand why I was so upset as it's human nature to find other people attractive, apparently he doesn't fancy her all the time, just sometimes he thinks he likes her...thats ok then eh, lol
I sat and listened to him ramble on for about two hours..he can't help flirting, it's part of his nature, he can't change who he is just for me, he's a drunk he has no control over what he says, nothings ever said maliciously to hurt me, he'll always put himself first because he's selfish because the DRINK MAKES HIM THAT WAY!!!! I can flirt with other men if I want he wouldn't mind cos he trusts me..... BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!
I think the fact that he knows it hurts me but continues to do what HE wants to do regardless of how it makes ME feel is doing it maliciously...plus the fact that he normally does everything he can do cover up what he's done once he's done it shows logical thought and shows he knows what he's doing is wrong.
I give up...I told him I want him to leave and go back to his mums because I can't and won't deal with being made to feel not second best but third, fourth and fifth. I shouldn't have to put up with being made to feel insignificant, insecure, paranoid, jealous etc...
He's going on Thursday
He knows I saw his mails though...well he didn't but he guessed I had, and he deleted his account in temper because I was checking up on him again....he's sick of having his every move analyzed apparently...not my fault he's a liar and a cheat and can't be trusted though is it!
Anyway, he started kicking off last night so I just got up and went to bed, didn't want to hear his excuses or hear him twist everything to make it all my fault.
Had a talk this lunchtime, he was already half way to being drunk of course...told me there was nothing in what he was saying, they where just talking about what each of them like etc..she has a boyfriend, he's not interested in the slightest, it was just talking...but he also told me he fancies another friend of mine, but he didn't understand why I was so upset as it's human nature to find other people attractive, apparently he doesn't fancy her all the time, just sometimes he thinks he likes her...thats ok then eh, lol
I sat and listened to him ramble on for about two hours..he can't help flirting, it's part of his nature, he can't change who he is just for me, he's a drunk he has no control over what he says, nothings ever said maliciously to hurt me, he'll always put himself first because he's selfish because the DRINK MAKES HIM THAT WAY!!!! I can flirt with other men if I want he wouldn't mind cos he trusts me..... BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!
I think the fact that he knows it hurts me but continues to do what HE wants to do regardless of how it makes ME feel is doing it maliciously...plus the fact that he normally does everything he can do cover up what he's done once he's done it shows logical thought and shows he knows what he's doing is wrong.
I give up...I told him I want him to leave and go back to his mums because I can't and won't deal with being made to feel not second best but third, fourth and fifth. I shouldn't have to put up with being made to feel insignificant, insecure, paranoid, jealous etc...
He's going on Thursday
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I'm scared I won't be strong enough to not take him back....it's not a total split, I told him I need some time to myself and asked him to go for a while. If I demanded he left he wouldn't go, easier to put it as a "break".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
I hope that you will use this time alone to really look at the situation.
I personally would get to alanon.
His behaviour isn't appropriate anyway you look at it.
Obviously, he has a problem with sex as well as alcohol.
You will need to decide for yourself if you can live with either or both....
I personally would get to alanon.
His behaviour isn't appropriate anyway you look at it.
Obviously, he has a problem with sex as well as alcohol.
You will need to decide for yourself if you can live with either or both....
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Hi Missus. I read this yesterday, but did not want to respond b/c I felt that my opinion would be VERY one-sided. Infidelity for me is a total deal-breaker and the sheer fact that he would say something like to ANYONE is disgusting to me.
Of course you know this, but how about you can't help but ENDING THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL since YOU do not deserve to be humiliated, lied to and disrespected for another minute? I'm glad he's leaving on Thursday. Spares you the trouble of having to move YOUR things. He sounds like a real piece of work! You'll be so much happier without him.
he can't help flirting, it's part of his nature, he can't change who he is just for me, he's a drunk he has no control over what he says, nothings ever said maliciously to hurt me, he'll always put himself first because he's selfish because the DRINK MAKES HIM THAT WAY!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I know in the long run I will, it's just short term thats the killer.
He thinks infidelity is a deal breaker too, problem is he doesn't see the online stuff as being infidelity...of course it would be if I did it, but never mind eh!
He thinks infidelity is a deal breaker too, problem is he doesn't see the online stuff as being infidelity...of course it would be if I did it, but never mind eh!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
you're scared of the heartbreak? Although I understand this comment, believe me, I do, you need to realize you live teh heartbreak daily. You live it because you KNOW what he's up to but swallow it. He gives the lamest excuses and reasons and turns it around. Saying he wouldn't care if you did it because he trusts you, is absurd. He needs to grow up and sadly, he's told you he doesn't think it's a big deal to HIM. But, it is to you. So, you have two choices, live like this or don't live like this.
The heartbreak of living without them seems worse than the heartbreak of living with them. But if you gave yourself some time, you'd see this is not true. You're hurting yourself over and over by allowing this man to treat you in this way. He'll continue to do it because he doesn't believe you won't put up with it. The only way to not put up with it is to NOT PUT UP WITH IT.
He gets mad when you check on him because he's doing wrong AGAIN. If he weren't, he'd be happy to have you checking so he could prove you wrong. So of course he gets mad. It isn't that you're treating him like a child, it's that he is a child getting caught.
He's a creep. He is immature and has no clue as to what it is to be in a HONEST, committed relationship.
Sorry, I just can't stand the lies and the "but I trust you" manipulation. I bet he does trust you....you aren't the one doing this.
The heartbreak of living without them seems worse than the heartbreak of living with them. But if you gave yourself some time, you'd see this is not true. You're hurting yourself over and over by allowing this man to treat you in this way. He'll continue to do it because he doesn't believe you won't put up with it. The only way to not put up with it is to NOT PUT UP WITH IT.
He gets mad when you check on him because he's doing wrong AGAIN. If he weren't, he'd be happy to have you checking so he could prove you wrong. So of course he gets mad. It isn't that you're treating him like a child, it's that he is a child getting caught.
He's a creep. He is immature and has no clue as to what it is to be in a HONEST, committed relationship.
Sorry, I just can't stand the lies and the "but I trust you" manipulation. I bet he does trust you....you aren't the one doing this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Don't apologise, I need to have it spelt out to me. Even when he tells me he isn't going to change I sorta twist it in my own mind and think "well he might, if he loves me enough he will"...even now I'm thinking when he goes he'll see how much he misses me and will change...but logically I know he won't. The damage being in one bad relationship after another can do...I'm so weak
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I can't and won't deal with being made to feel not second best but third, fourth and fifth. I shouldn't have to put up with being made to feel insignificant, insecure, paranoid, jealous etc...
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I sorta twist it in my own mind and think "well he might, if he loves me enough he will"...
he can't help flirting, it's part of his nature, he can't change who he is just for me, he's a drunk he has no control over what he says, nothings ever said maliciously to hurt me, he'll always put himself first because he's selfish because the DRINK MAKES HIM THAT WAY!!!!
Well put Sunshine! That whole, "if the shoe were on the foot scenerio" does not fly with me. My AH has tried to use this one on me before- "if you did that, I wouldn't be mad, blah, blah". Welp- like I told him, "you don't know what you would be since YOU will NEVER be put in that position b/c I would never do that to you." It's a ridiculous form of manipulation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
