Update from Limboland...(long)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Indianapolis Indiana
Posts: 9
Update from Limboland...(long)
Hi All,
Some of you may remember me--I posted several times back in October-November of last year. At that time, I truly was in "limboland" trying to decide whether (or not) to end my 22 year marriage to my (then) non-drinking AH. So many of you on this board helped me in ways you'll never individually know, so I want to share the "rest of my story" to hopefully give others some hope...
My story...
I gave my husband an ultimatum early last summer to either address his drinking problem or I was ready to end the marriage. He chose to end the marriage as no one was going to tell him what to do. I started counseling so that I could maintain the strength I knew was necessary to pull me through the months to come (very wise decision!). He moved out late July, I filed for divorce in early August, and by late August he decided that he wanted to make the marriage work & would do "whatever it takes" to make it happen. He stopped drinking, read alot of relationship books, and begged me to reconsider. For several months, I TRIED to forgive him, understand him, and love him, but it was so hard. He didn't go to AA, made feable attempts at making/keeping counseling appointments, and was so nice that it just didn't seem real to me. The bottom line is that I did not trust that this would last..the minute I would start to let my guard down, my gut would put my "protective shield" back up. I just couldn't let myself be vulnerable with him anymore.
In early November, I told him I was done & ready to finalize the divorce. He was confused & devestated. Whereas I had been grieving the loss of the marriage for months, this is when it finally hit him. I felt bad for him, but what a sense of relief for me! I truly felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders once I made that decision. Luckily, we had already agreed on most things for the divorce & were already living separate lives each in our separate homes, so finalizing it from there was only a phone call & a few signatures. He ended up starting back to drinking soon after I told him I was done, which makes me realize even more that I made the right decision.
We have three kids, ds(21), dd(18) & dd (15) who are all doing about as well as can be expected. DS moved in with his dad, and girls are here with me. Unfortunately, they don't see their dad much as he seems to be burying himself in his work, but does have time to go out with his girlfriend, and go out drinking sometimes, too. Sad for my girls, but they have thier own typical teenage girl lives, so they don't seem to mind/notice too much what dad is doing.
As for me, I feel like I have a new lease on life. I've been doing some home improvement projects, learning how to do things I've never done before. I'm lucky to have great friends/family who have supported me through all of this. I know they would have been supportive either way, but they are so happy to see me happy again.
I also started dating someone that I know from work & things are going incredibly well with him. I've had my eye on him from last summer on (when I knew I was getting divorced), but didn't say anything to him about it until my decision was made in late November. I know some may say it's too soon to date, but he is very understanding, patient & not pushy at all. He has been divorced 1 1/2 years after being married 23 years (his wife cheated on him). So he somewhat has an idea of what I've been through. We're taking things very slow...
Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to share my story in hopes that it may help someone else out there. I know we all are so different, but I know I read so many things that really hit home with me on this board, and so many things that helped me to make the decision I made. Thanks to all of you out there--I wouldn't be where I am today without all of your help!!
Some of you may remember me--I posted several times back in October-November of last year. At that time, I truly was in "limboland" trying to decide whether (or not) to end my 22 year marriage to my (then) non-drinking AH. So many of you on this board helped me in ways you'll never individually know, so I want to share the "rest of my story" to hopefully give others some hope...
My story...
I gave my husband an ultimatum early last summer to either address his drinking problem or I was ready to end the marriage. He chose to end the marriage as no one was going to tell him what to do. I started counseling so that I could maintain the strength I knew was necessary to pull me through the months to come (very wise decision!). He moved out late July, I filed for divorce in early August, and by late August he decided that he wanted to make the marriage work & would do "whatever it takes" to make it happen. He stopped drinking, read alot of relationship books, and begged me to reconsider. For several months, I TRIED to forgive him, understand him, and love him, but it was so hard. He didn't go to AA, made feable attempts at making/keeping counseling appointments, and was so nice that it just didn't seem real to me. The bottom line is that I did not trust that this would last..the minute I would start to let my guard down, my gut would put my "protective shield" back up. I just couldn't let myself be vulnerable with him anymore.
In early November, I told him I was done & ready to finalize the divorce. He was confused & devestated. Whereas I had been grieving the loss of the marriage for months, this is when it finally hit him. I felt bad for him, but what a sense of relief for me! I truly felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders once I made that decision. Luckily, we had already agreed on most things for the divorce & were already living separate lives each in our separate homes, so finalizing it from there was only a phone call & a few signatures. He ended up starting back to drinking soon after I told him I was done, which makes me realize even more that I made the right decision.
We have three kids, ds(21), dd(18) & dd (15) who are all doing about as well as can be expected. DS moved in with his dad, and girls are here with me. Unfortunately, they don't see their dad much as he seems to be burying himself in his work, but does have time to go out with his girlfriend, and go out drinking sometimes, too. Sad for my girls, but they have thier own typical teenage girl lives, so they don't seem to mind/notice too much what dad is doing.
As for me, I feel like I have a new lease on life. I've been doing some home improvement projects, learning how to do things I've never done before. I'm lucky to have great friends/family who have supported me through all of this. I know they would have been supportive either way, but they are so happy to see me happy again.
I also started dating someone that I know from work & things are going incredibly well with him. I've had my eye on him from last summer on (when I knew I was getting divorced), but didn't say anything to him about it until my decision was made in late November. I know some may say it's too soon to date, but he is very understanding, patient & not pushy at all. He has been divorced 1 1/2 years after being married 23 years (his wife cheated on him). So he somewhat has an idea of what I've been through. We're taking things very slow...
Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to share my story in hopes that it may help someone else out there. I know we all are so different, but I know I read so many things that really hit home with me on this board, and so many things that helped me to make the decision I made. Thanks to all of you out there--I wouldn't be where I am today without all of your help!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Thank you for sharing, Limbo. My timeline is a couple months later than yours, but otherwise almost the same story. It has been tough, but I'm also sure I'm doing the right thing. Not easy, but it helps to hear your story. I wish you much happiness in the future.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 36
Your story was not long at all, in fact, I wanted to hear more...
I just started on this site and it has made me really think. I have a very hardened heart right now, although some of the wonderful people here are doing their best to soften it.
I have only been married for 3 years (the 15th of this month!), but knew him (and should have known better) for 6. I am not a teenager and have had multiple marriages before this one so why did I marry him when in my heart I felt it was wrong? Looking back, it was a combination of events. I was not doing well in my job (ready to get fired), felt I was getting old and in no time, would be an old maid (56) and had just started taking Paxil which my doctor prescribed for depression.
So, I knew how much he drank, and I drank as well, but not as much. I could never handle the amount of alcohol he drank without passing out or getting real sick. I felt that once we got married, he'd be so happy and blissful, the drinking would dissipate. Well, for the first year and a half, it actually did. We were happy and doing things together; having parties, going to Sunday brunch, etc. We never strayed far from home however, because he needed to have his drinks and TV (his relaxation he claimed).
After that, he started to complain that the commute was getting to be too much for him, which I had agreed with all along. When we got married, we moved into my condo which was 100 miles one-way to his work. So, I suggested we sell the condo, buy a house closer to his work, which we did. We took all the proceeds from my condo and slapped it on the house which is much closer to his work.
A few months after that, he stared complaining about his job and started drinking more and more; this was about 6 months ago. In addition to the complaining, he became more negative and mean spirited. He always would have meltdowns with me before, but these were more intense and longer. The "D" word would come up often (divorce).
I told him last month that I was tired of this whole cycle and wanted a separation. He said he couldn't live without me and would do whatever it took. He said he would only drink two glasses of wine a night during the week and a little more on weekends. At that time, I decided to stop altogether and also started to go to Church again. The stopping did not bother me as I was not as heavy a drinker as he and it has been 1 month since I stopped. He, on the other hand is up to 1-1/2 bottles a night during the week and 2-1/2 bottles on the weekend. In no time at all, he will be back to his regular heavy drinking.
I could go on for another 10 paragraphs but I have to get ready for Church and "he" keeps coming into my office. I will continue this later, but for now, I want to tell you how strong I think you are and I feel the same way you did. No more trust and respect for him. He really doesn't get it.
To be continued...
I just started on this site and it has made me really think. I have a very hardened heart right now, although some of the wonderful people here are doing their best to soften it.
I have only been married for 3 years (the 15th of this month!), but knew him (and should have known better) for 6. I am not a teenager and have had multiple marriages before this one so why did I marry him when in my heart I felt it was wrong? Looking back, it was a combination of events. I was not doing well in my job (ready to get fired), felt I was getting old and in no time, would be an old maid (56) and had just started taking Paxil which my doctor prescribed for depression.
So, I knew how much he drank, and I drank as well, but not as much. I could never handle the amount of alcohol he drank without passing out or getting real sick. I felt that once we got married, he'd be so happy and blissful, the drinking would dissipate. Well, for the first year and a half, it actually did. We were happy and doing things together; having parties, going to Sunday brunch, etc. We never strayed far from home however, because he needed to have his drinks and TV (his relaxation he claimed).
After that, he started to complain that the commute was getting to be too much for him, which I had agreed with all along. When we got married, we moved into my condo which was 100 miles one-way to his work. So, I suggested we sell the condo, buy a house closer to his work, which we did. We took all the proceeds from my condo and slapped it on the house which is much closer to his work.
A few months after that, he stared complaining about his job and started drinking more and more; this was about 6 months ago. In addition to the complaining, he became more negative and mean spirited. He always would have meltdowns with me before, but these were more intense and longer. The "D" word would come up often (divorce).
I told him last month that I was tired of this whole cycle and wanted a separation. He said he couldn't live without me and would do whatever it took. He said he would only drink two glasses of wine a night during the week and a little more on weekends. At that time, I decided to stop altogether and also started to go to Church again. The stopping did not bother me as I was not as heavy a drinker as he and it has been 1 month since I stopped. He, on the other hand is up to 1-1/2 bottles a night during the week and 2-1/2 bottles on the weekend. In no time at all, he will be back to his regular heavy drinking.
I could go on for another 10 paragraphs but I have to get ready for Church and "he" keeps coming into my office. I will continue this later, but for now, I want to tell you how strong I think you are and I feel the same way you did. No more trust and respect for him. He really doesn't get it.
To be continued...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Oceanside, CA
Posts: 36
To continue the saga, I can feel this thing coming to a head any day now. He is starting to spew little stabs at me because we really haven't been husband a wife. I told him I don't trust him, therefore, don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to give of myself only to get hurt time and time again. So, I kow any day now the "D" word will rear it's ugly head and hope my best laid plans stay in effect.
My Timeline is the end of April.
My Timeline is the end of April.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: wayne, Michigan
Posts: 21
Thanks for posting. It is a comfort to know that the pain won't last and that their are better things out there. I am recently seperated from my husband (almost 2 months). And it is good to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and things can get better.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Love hearing happy endings.... even if its not the ending we hoped for or expected.
Yep Im 15 months away from living in that Chaos and I could not be happier .....
There is light at the end and life after living with and A.
Yep Im 15 months away from living in that Chaos and I could not be happier .....
There is light at the end and life after living with and A.
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