Aquiana

What do you do when the alcoholic, who seems to be trying to recover, slips? G has been attempting to be alcohol free since he was arrested a few weeks ago. He's been going to A.A. meetings twice a week and seems to be abstaining from alcohol. This weekend, he has a hockey tournament out of town. In my mind anyway, if he was going to suffer a slip, this would be the time. He's with the guys, many who also drink and he's away from his friends/sponser at his meetings. For now since we are not really "together" presently it's best for me to keep my mouth shut. His business, and since I'm not entirely convinced the sobriety thing will last, it's better I say nothing. It did get me thinking though that if you are with someone who is working their buns off to recover, but they wind up slipping, what do you do? Do you say something? Nothing? Do you support them only if they ask for support in the situation? Right now I know I'd have a hard time not assuming the "slip" was not in actuality just his true colors but if he had been sober for a long amount of time and slipped, what would be appropriate?

Zoey

Recovery is extremely hard, many slip in the first year or even at the end of a year.
From all we hear, its best to just say something like, "we all goof", (with a smile) , and let it go if possible. Has to be felt from your gut to say it.
They detect every lie, every attempt at psychology, every attempt at advise or concern, pity or, disappointment, they detect anything false, or critical of them, even tho they lie.

It has been said, that once through the doors of AA, it spoils their drinking. Lets hope, but sometimes they go back at it for a while. but at least they know where to go and no fear of going. I would be excited that he got through the doors and has a sponser. It is a step, even court order it works sometimes.
Just some thoughts I had, take what you can use.

PS
When seeing or talking to him on his return, I suggest to not ask any questions. Hard to not do it, but my belief is it best.

minnie

What if, what if, what if? I have found it is better to stay in the "what is".

For what it's worth, I think there is a whole world between a one-off slip and a continuation of old behaviour - although, in G's case, it wouldn't be that old given that his sobriety has only been a matter of weeks. His choice as to people, places and things and I hope that he has enough recovery under his belt to withstand any outside pressures. If he doesn't, then it may just be a lesson.

And I have no idea how I would respond. When I was in that situation I had way fewer lessons under my own belt. Or maybe I had enough, cos I left.

Aquiana

I totally agree there's a big difference. Right now, the wound from everything for me is still way too raw. That's why I don't really want to know if he "slips" or not. My mind would go directly to assuming he was full of bull about quitting in the first place. That may or may not be fair so I'd like to stay right out of it.


So if you can't say it without any of that present, you shouldn't say anything at all? Even if they approach you about it?



Mostly, it's theoretical as far as how to approach someone who really is working hard on recovery and winds up drinking again. I would think that someone who is really trying would feel bad enough about it without someone mentioning it. I know if I quit smoking for a long time, and then started again I'd be pretty ticked off at myself. Or maybe not, maybe they'd like someone to talk to about it and support them getting back on track. I just wasn't sure. I guess I'm wondering how sensitive someone is about lapses in recovery when they are recovering. Does that make sense?

ranae1221

I went through something very simular just last week. My dad- who is an alcoholic and trying to stop again- is currently living with me. After almost 2 years of soberity he began drinking again after his mom died and lost almost everything- his home, his relationship with his 2 sons, his truck. He had no where to go and moved in with me almost 1 month ago. My only rule- no alcohol was allowed. Monday I found him drinking outside.

I confronted him, let him know that I knew. I told him that I was very sad and hurt, but that I still loved him and wanted to continue to support him through his recovery. I told him that it was going to take time to win my trust back, and that I no longer believed his "promices", actions speak louder than words and if he really means he will never drink again then prove it. I also insisted he get help for his depression (which I feel is a major issue and also leads into his drinking). I wanted him to know that although I hate his behavior and choices, I still love him and want to see him get better.

Maybe it won't work, and maybe I am just a fool for wanting to believe in him, but I have to at least try.

ASpouse

If G is going, hasn't he mentioned going to 90 meetings in 90 days? and besides that I'm sure they have AA meetings where his Hockey Tournament is going to be .... I'm sure he can find a meeting to go to while the rest of the gang is going to the bar or whatever.

Aquiana, since he is a beginner, he should be going to 90 meetings in 90 days. Twice a week isn't going to cut it for him and he is setting himself to fail. Hopefully he has a sponsor (which I doubt since he isn't going to the 90 meetings in 90 days) and again ......HE CAN FIND A MEETING WHERE THE TOURNAMENT IS so if he slips, IMHO, it will be his own fault and he had every intention of doing so! I think he's quacking to you ..... I really really do!

Oh and if he slips, yes he is full of bull. He does not have enough recovery under his belt to do this. So he's stopped what? 3 or 4 weeks? That means 8 meetings or maybe 10? Does he have a sponsor? (already asked that), is he working the steps. He should probably be on, oh I don't know, step one?

If I were him, I'd forgo the tournament and work on his recovery. There are many tournaments ahead for him. His recovery at this stage of the game should be most important, especially if he wants to be with you as a family again. But all of this is his choice. Once before he could just go out and "have a couple of beers" remember? Look what happened.

rooroo

I think alot of us know this feeling. My husband was arrested for a DUI. He is in the process of recovery. He has "slipped", more than once. It is a common thing. It is up to my husband to decide what he does. Unfortunetly for him, his slip has put him in jail. I am powerless over this. The first 2 times he slipped he was honest and told me what he had done. This last time he still believes that he did nothing wrong. I know in my heart, plus he is careless by leaving his liquor bottle in my truck. Nothing like getting slapped in the face with something. i don't know the whole situation you are going through, but when I need to reply to him, I just say that everyone is human and makes mistakes and carry on about my business. Without Ala-non and the tools they have given me, my behavior would be way different. I would have thrown a temper tantrum, preached about what he should and shouldnot do, lectured about what he is doing to me blah blah... which makes me look like a complete idiot and now he wants to drink again. I know this because I have done it. Be calm and use your HP for strength and serenity. I have also found that worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, usually drives me to insanity!!

mallowcup

Wouldn't it be great if his friends supported his nondrinking? I'd praise the decision each day that he doesn't drink. He has to find his own boundaries. The "friends", may have to become a part of his past. He has to figure that out for himself. I think when a person quits drinking, they realize they are in this world alone. Though they are a part of group, they can run but they can't hide. His nondrinking should be something he is proud of. I'd do whatever I could to remind him of that.

ASpouse

Huh? No they're not! If people felt they would be alone in this world if they stopped drinking the entire world population would be alcoholics. The purpose of AA is to get people back into living their lives and not isolating themselves. They are more alone and isolated while drinking than when not drinking.

Unless I'm missing your point, or you mistyped.

Aquiana

I think there is a little something in that at least as far as feeling that way. Really, you take his normal circle of friends and most of them are as bad as he is. He called last night when he got back into town. One of the guys, who's gf I always secretly wonder about since she's got a daughter who is a couple of weeks younger than my son, had been drinking since 9 a.m. Last year we went to a ball tournament with most of the same people and I was the only sober one. 7 months pregnant! Most of them, G was actually amoung the more well behaved, were drinking non-stop all weekend.

He should be proud of quitting, it's way harder than continuing to drink. He said a few of them asked him about why he wasn't drinking but they didn't really bug him. I'm glad he's going to at least the two meetings he's going to. Better than the none before. He does have a sponser. The man that holds the meetings has told him to come over or call him anytime to talk whenever he needs it. He has contacted him a couple of times between meetings. He's been sober 25 years. I really hope he tries to add a few more non-drinkers to his circle. I didn't think this tournament was that great of an idea for him yet but it's not my decision. The baby and I just enjoyed out peace and quiet.