rooroo

I am tired today. My husband has been battling his alcohol addiction rather well, I should rephrase that, in my eyes, he is doing great. In the laws eyes he is not doing well at all. He just got locked up today for 35 days. It really sucks. Actually, it has totally shaken my life up. I doublt everything trust no one, and have lost faith in other human beings ability to have compassion and understanding. I know I will survive the upcoming days by myself. That is not the issue. The problem is that we will still be battling with the courts and everyone for the next two years. The constant feeling that how our lives are affected by how his probation officer feels that day. Some days she is nice and other days she is mean as all get out. When she is mean something bad happens, when she is nice it is all okay. I just don't have faith anymore in other humans. Maybe tomorrow will be better maybe not. I am lonely and scared.

meli2005

Just to tell you I understand how you feel. Probation officers can be a pain in the you konw what. Is there any way you could complain about this person? THey really should be a little more constant in the way they are treating others, not just based on the way "they feel that day".

guyinNC

Why was he locked up?

pmaslan

I don't mean to sound harsh...but the reality is....
these are the consequences to his actions....
sorry it's taking a toll on you.

BSPGirl

And ppl are unable to change? Ppl can never be forgiven? Scary view on the world there...

pmaslan

I am the first to admit people can change.....Heck I am not the same person
I was even 6 months ago.
However, if I did something that warrented some type of jail time, institution or
consequence for my actions than so be it. Someone said in a post the other day
"they make dui"s a pain in the a** for a reason...." if not no one would worry about
the outcome....I think anyone who has lost someone or was affected by someone else'
alcohol problem would agree.

denny57

If I remember this right, he failed his tests, right? There would have to be consequences to that.

mushroom

What did you do, that you will be battling the courts for the next 2 years? wasn't it him that was locked up, and you not?

How is your life affectd by his probation officer?

I don't need the answers to those. These are for you to think about. You will be fine by yourself for the next 35 days, of course! you're an adult.

Whose inability to have compassion and understanding have you lost faith in? in my experience, compassion and understanding have no place in dealing with an alcoholic. Should I assume that your husband is, or is not, an alcoholic? you're posting here, so probably he is. If he was locked up for something, he probably is not dealing all that well with his addiction. This is one of the consequences he has to face. When you serve up compassion and understanding they take your inch and run for miles and miles. It's the nature of the disease.

He did something. He got locked up. He has a probation officer to deal with.

You did - I assume - nothing other than be married to him. You are not locked up. You do not have a probation officer assigned to you. You need to detach from his problems and his consequences.

So hard to do when you're married! I know. You're supposed to care about each other and face life's problems together. But that's not a good idea when your spouse is an addict. They aren't playing by the same rules. You can get sucked into his personal hell, or you can detach.

Sure it's possible the probation officer really is inconsistent, or it's very probable that it just seems like she is because you're caught in the maelstrom of an alcoholic relationship and she's being normal.

People change all the time, and forgive each other all the time, but it's not a given. He could change, but all so often with alcoholics it just seems like they've changed because we want them to so badly. And sometimes they do change, for a little bit. Sometimes for a long time. But it's never guaranteed and it's sometimes just our wishful thinking.

His problem. His actions. His consequences. Not yours. The harsh reality of life with an alcoholic. It's just not a normal problem, that you can help him with. This monster's way too big and strong for us. Only he can deal with it.

I suspect the probation officer already knows a lot about dealing with alcoholics. She's probably seen way more of them than most of us have.

rooroo

Mushroom, thanks for writing what you did. Sometimes I just hate facing reality and accepting the truth. I knew yesterday in my heart that he is the only one that can help himself. I can only take care of myself and my kids. I just didn't want to do it!!! This morning is different. I followed my steps of Alanon, at least the did the first three steps in my head. I will go to work today with a clear mind. I will be okay and so will he.
I did call his po and did explain some things that were not quite clear to her from the get go and she is understanding of this. I asked her to help him the best way she could. Maybe this will do some good for him, maybe not only he can decide that. I just pray that he will decide some day. I have decided not to let this grab a hold of me and make my life miserable. I have detached in some ways but have a difficult times in others. I don't want to make excuses for him anymore, cause usually I look like the a@@ in the end anyway. His sponser called yesterday and I had to fill him in on everything. He said for me to call whenever I needed. I will but I think I had better make the step to get my own sponer myself real soon. Like today. Today is good. It is raining but warm spring is around the corner. Maybe when my husband comes home he will have a new beginning just like all the flowers outside. One can only pray and trust our HP.

TomsGirl

Hey Roo! I understand just how you feel. My husband I believe is getting out of jail today. He's been in 65 days for probation violation ... drinking when the court ordered him not too. If you look back at some of my old posts you'll see where I at one time wrote the same sort of things you did but I have since changed my mind. I have come to fully understand that my husband is in jail not because of bad lawyers, uncaring judges, or mean PO's. He's in jail because he chose to drink when he was ordered not too and he got caught. I've also come to realize that no matter what he does I will never be the one they cart off to jail. I have done nothing wrong.

Take this time to work on yourself and no matter what, don't feel sorry for him. He's put himself in jail, no one else.

Take care and lots of (((hugs))).

brdlvr2

Good point. My friend has been in and out of jail due to drinking issues. I felt the same way. That it was the system screwing him up. Then I faced the facts, he kept getting locked up because he either drank and got a new charge, or didn't do what he had to due according to probation and they finally caught up with him or he just didn't show up to court for fear of going to jail. It sucks for sure, but it is what it is.

LaTeeDa

Mushroom, thank you for posting this. I needed it today.

L

robina

There is a lot of wisdom in Mushroom's message.