hadtoleave

Hello, Me again, HadToLeave
Any suggestion on just how to get into & stay at a Alanon Meeting.

Below has occurred over & over again for the last 8 1/2 months:
I have done the following:

thought & cried about going to an Alanon meeting for days/weeks/months (total fear)
located meetings in my area + within 30 miles of my apartment using every nerve in my body to get there & home again.
call all the chairpersons, at home, in and around my area set up plans to meet with them outside the meeting area.
****all chairperson agreed to meet me and go in with me, but I guess they forgot*****
drove by the Alanon meetings, did not stop, left crying
sat in parking lots & watched & cried & left
walked up the sidewalk & turned & left
got to the front door & turned & left
got inside, went to the restroom, turned & left
got inside and received Alanon information packet, turned & left

I'm from the old school, dirty linen in the closet stays in the closet.
I think if I could get over my fear and stress of going inside, sit down, have no look at me and I don't have to speak - I could start attending daily/weekly.

I really want to attend an Alanon Meeting to get the support, have others really understand without me having to tell my story over & over. I want a friend that knows what's going on/happening with me physically/emotionally.
I need a spousor, I need an ear to hear what I'm trying to put into words.

Everytime I fail to attend an alanon meeting I withdraw more & more. If there was only a magicial way to go to a meeting without being seen. I need to understand what goes on in the meetings before I can get though the door and join a meeting. Must be my control thing or my codependent thing hard at work on my nerves.

Does anyone have any hidden secrets to use, ticks for the mind that I can use? I'm alone right now in this quest of mine - I have no other support groups - I don't know anyone that attends Alanon.

Thanks again

Help me over come my fear
Thanks

denny57

hadtoleave

did you read the sticky that lays out what happens at the meetings?

also, 7 months ago i did all those things and more! please believe me, it takes a lot of courage to walk in there and sit down. once you do it, odds are you will be fine. you don't have to share at all. they will just ask you your first name so they can welcome you. you will be so glad you went because people will completely understand why you are there. as for not knowing anyone who attends al-anon, it won't be long before you know LOTS of them.

good luck!

nutz

Progress not perfection.lol
It's a co-di thing

I did it for about 3-4 months.
took a week just to get a schdule.
Drove down the street the first time.
Made it the parking lot a month later.
The insanity/pain got too bad,
It hurted more not to go than to go
Finally grab a chair.
i didn't say much, hot tear just came out of me.
it's a guy thing, i guess.
Peaple wanted to hug me, but I couldn't bare that either.

Mmmm.... who did you tell you where going to al-anon?
You have a sign or a stamp on your forehead "CODI" ?

kermit

I was so scared to go, I once said in a post, maybe I can get a friend to push me through the door, and someone here said, Go, there will be a friend to pull you through"
Sure enough that is what happened. I love it there, noone judges, the first night I cried the whole time, I was so scared, for some reason I shared , not even knowing if what I said made any sence at all. You know what happened? It felt good! Everyone said, Keep coming back! So I did abd they were all so happy I went back! Cool, people like me, I thought! The 2nd time I just sat there not saying anything, just listening was good this time. I keep going back, I haven't picked a sponsor yet, I'm waiting untill I feel lkie I can connect with the person. I write things down alot too, this helps I think because I do not have a sponsor. Yet. Also, this forum is a great place to start getting support, it has gotten me through my toughest days. dig deep down inside yourself and you will find the strength to go. It helps soooooo much! Good luck and I hope you get there soon.

goffredo

There are no tricks, there are no secrets for you to learn.

Just go there, sit down and listen. Everything else will flow naturally and in its own time.

To go to alanon for me was the best, loving thing I did for myself. Try not to identify yourself with only one aspect of your behaviour: the codie one. We might be codie, but we are not just that, we are human beings with many different sides.

You can do this: actually you don't need to do anything, just go and sit down. Honestly, it's as simple as that.

Love Jo

ritabee

Here's my 2 cents worth:

Plan to arrive about 10-15 minutes early. This way you will not be walking into a roomful of people. There will be a few people there already and they if they don't pick up on the fact that you are new (and they probably will) just say, "hi, I'm new here". They will know that you are nervous. Believe me, we were all new to Alanon once! Hopefully someone will take you under their wing for the first meeting.

The meeting gets started with the Serenity prayer and the reading of the 12 steps and 12 traditions. Every group is different but in ours we go around the table with each member taking a turn reading. YOU CAN PASS on reading if you want. However I found it a good way to get my feet wet by reading a sentence. Whew, that was no biggie! Then we exchange first names only.

Then comes the discussion. Nobody will make you say anything if you don't want to. There are boxes of tissues on the table and even seasoned veterans of Alanon have been known to shed tears while discussing topics that are painful to them. Speak if you want, listen if you don't wish to speak.

There are all kinds of personalities in these meetings and people of all ages. Try a few different meetings on different days to find the group that best fits you.

The first meeting I went to I just hopped in the car and went. I didn't even really think it out first. I just knew I needed to go and had put it off long enough.

Good luck to you. Just remember, we are all there for the same reason. The abuse of alcohol by someone we love is causing problems in our lives. You will be among friends.

gelfling

This topic came up in our alanon meeting yesterday. The fear of exposing ourselves...that we're not perfect and can't control the alcoholic/addict in our lives.

We all agreed, we were terrified outside the door and even more so inside. We all went there for the first time with the intention of finding out how to cure our loved ones. And of course, we discovered differently.

You don't need to talk. They'll ask your name. That's it. If they ask you if you want to talk, tell them you're not ready. I wish I could be there with you to hold you hand and walk in with you so you'd see there's nothing to be scared of.


Blessings

Cap3

Bring the body and the mind will follow.If i had continued to listen to my fears,i would have never gone in da recovery rooms.This is true.Im from the old school also.This was a big move to make for me.Ditching my old beliefs,that were embeded, in me since childhood.And that belief was to keep things to myself,keep quiet,everyone has problems,,blah,,blah,,blah.You know what i mean.What i found out was that,I was as sick as my secrets.I sat quietly,in al-anon,for almost a year before i said anything.But i watched and listened,and i got a sponsor within the frist week that i went there.I went up to a gal,who i believed had good quality recovery program and asked her to sponsor me,that i need help.It was to her alone i talked to,.She told me,that i dont have to share everything with everyone in the rooms,unless or until i wanted to.That not everyone has to know all my stuff,going on,for we share in a ---general way---in da rooms and its up to me,what i want to share,and what i share with my sponsor.Today i dont care who knows what about me.But today i have more recovery,after all these years also,and i know that my painful past will be helpful to others.But its a process,a progress,to come to this point.Easy does it,first things first.Thing about everyone in recovery rooms,is that they are there for the same reason as myself,for recovery.As soon as i walked into the recovery rooms,i feel the fellowship,the understanding,and hear solutions,and then i know that im no longer all alone.These good folks,have been where i was and are living recovery,no matter what.Keep on,keeping on.
God Bless and take care!!!!

osier59

First I drove by and found where the meeting was.
Then I drove and sat in my car
Then I CRAWLED in the door.

I can honestly say that going to Al Anon saved my life. All I did for the first 3-4 weeks was sit in meetings and cry. I could barely squeak out my name. After the meeting, some of the members would come up, give me a quick hug and tell me to keep coming back. And I did.

It's not so different from the fears our A's must feel when they go to their first meeting. Just walk through the door. Help is on the other side~

Hugs and love and lots of encouragement.

Barb

dax

You can go and not have to say anything but- "I am just hear to lisen "if they call on you. If you don't wish to say t this is your first meeting, just say nothing. Remember everyone there lives with or knows an alcoholic. NOTHING you have lived thru has not been experienced by someone else there. NO ONE will judge. dax

cloudy

I understand that soooo much! And this is one of the great things about Alanon, is that without you even having to really say anything at all, they all "know." The details may change but the core is so similar if not the same.

Keep taking those steps, and each time a change will happen inside. Give yourself credit for what you have done already. You looked up the info. You drove there. You walked in. You even got in the room and got an info packet. For someone who is very afraid of walking in there, you are doing great. One of the things I hear over and over and that I heard when I walked in was "we know how hard it is to walk through those doors." So right there, they already "know." In my case I was wanting in those doors bad. But it is also very common - very verrrry common - for people to have a hard time walking in there.

You just go in, sit down, someone will probably ask if you are new, they'll point you toward the pamphlets, say welcome, and sometimes a newcomers welcome will be read. It is really good, I really like it. They say the serenity prayer which you can say or not, up to you! They go around the table and say first name only, they pass the 12 steps around and you can just pass it to the next person. In fact a newcomer is really not expected at ALL to talk for a while. You talk when YOU want to talk. But let people talk to you, they are happy to see you there and understand...they really do. They are there for the same core reasons you are.

Keep trying...you'll get it! One important note, and they will tell you in the meeting try at least six and it can be any location...if you don't like that one, try another one. I go to 2. But my Friday one is my absolute favorite and the one I make sure not to miss. Find one you like. Give it a chance but if you don't like it try another one until you find one you like best.

Also try some online meetings, and keep coming here. It's a great start and might help you get used to it a bit.

One day, you might be the one welcoming a newcomer and saying to them "I know how hard it is to walk through those doors..."