JessicaNAJ

I woke up today wishing I could hear the sounding cooking bacon (G would make breakfast from time to time). I woke up missing the sound of him playing with the kids. I really miss watching him interact with them. I really miss the help he gives around the house and with the kids.

Then I realized that it's up to me to fill these old memories with new ones.

If I miss him interacting with the kids, then I need to do the same. I need to get off my lazy rear and interact with them. The problem is, I don't have the motivation that he had (probably b/c I'm so wrapped up in thinking of G and what he is or is not doing or if he is or is not drunk).

I miss companionship (as pointed out to me last night). So I need to replace the companionship I felt with G, with my kids. (Me and the kids do watch movies and cuddle, but I'm talking about conversation, activity, etc.)

My heart still aches when I think of him. But I haven't called. Although I want to sooooo bad. I even thought about driving over there to put myself through more hell....that's just crazy thinking.

I have to got shift my attention from G to myself and my kids.

Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?

DefofLov

I think spending quality times with your kids is good but I also think that you might want to consider working on developing a social life of your own.

To get over an ex, it is good to look to your friends for nurturing and support. Do you have friends, have you hung out with them lately? Start making some phone calls, see how they are doing.

Dont have any friends? Not to worry, that just means you should make time to get out adn try new things. Try a new hobbie and your are bound to meet nice people with similar interests.

Do you attend Al-Anon meetings? Can you make friends with the people there?

Just open your mind to nurturing your mind, body, and soul. Perhaps it is time to look to your religions. Maybe start an exercise routine, you would be amazed at how good it feels to exercise regularly and see results. (I exercise a lot and it helps me with self esteem and it helps me to stay in the habit of taking care of myself.) I think you should also consider taking a class. Learning something new can occupy your time and make you feel good too. Try taking a sign language course or something. Also, these are things that you can include the kids in too but I strongly suggest that you nurture yourself too. Find something exclusively for Jessica. Something that gives you full and complete Jessica time.

We get so wrapped up into others, we sometimes forget to take good care of ourselves.

Hope my suggestions help.

*hugs*

Kellye C

Hey Jessica, I don't know how old your kids are but I am assuming that they are little. You need some adult companionship and conversation for YOU. Do you go to Al-Anon? I know my AA meetings are serving a dual purpose for me right now. They keep me focused on my program but I also get there early and stay late for the fellowship and that has been invaluable. You could hang out with "normies" too but you don't want it to turn into a b*tchfest about men and your problems with them as that will not build you up.

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself? Such as a manicure or pedicure or a new outfit or new makeup or a cute haircut, something just for you and to give you a boost everytime you see it, wear it or touch it? Something to remind yourself that you are worth the time and effort?

As for the kids, you could make "dates" with them like pizza night, game night, camping out night (even if its under a blanket strung up over chairs in a makeshift tent, movie night. Make it a challenge to find new ways of spending time with them, something that will engage you all and to plan and look forward to (preferably not things you and G have done with them - let this be new things for just ya'll). If they are old enough, get them involved in planning and preparing for these special dates.

These are just some suggestions, and I hope they help.

Hugs,
Kellye

ICU

How's that 'fun stuff' list going? (hint - hint - hint)!!!!

nutz

Take a nice shower
make some bacon and eggs
Take your kids to a park or a fun center.

Get out, get out of your head, get out of the house, get out of yourself.
If it's raining...go dance in the rain.
If it's snowing go play in the snow.

cloudy

Keep using all the resources for support that you have, take it one step at a time, one day at a time, and remember it takes time. Strive to move forward but allow yourself time.

Aside from that yes do something nice for you, something you like, and for you and the kids I think parks or animal places are nice.

CatsTail

I think spending time with your kids is a good start and what you said about getting up and making breakfast for yourself and the kids, good idea. Maybe fill in by doing what he used to.
Go to Alanon meetings, find some girlfriends to hang out with, join a club of YOUR interest seperate from your kids. Take up reading,walking,cooking , gardening,knitting,crocheting if you don't already do these things.

And most important of all...............DON'T CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ngaire

StandingStrong

Okay Jessica; here's my thoughts.
First of all, please do not transfer your dependancy on other people (like G) onto your children. You cannot keep living your life around and for other people. (Sidenote to this on something you said to me recently - be careful not to make your children codependant by encouraging them to be too much like you)

Now...............filling the void. What is missing IN YOUR LIFE? You want companionship - okay, then it's time to get out and get with other people! Adults, not just your children!

Alanon meetings - you will be surrounded with people that have a clue as to what you are going too, can support you, give you suggestions, and you may possibly make some very good friends.

Girls Night Out - Get together with a friend of a bunch of friends and go out! Whether it be a dinner and movie, or a friendly card game, or shopping, or whatever! And don't just do it once and let it be done! Oh No! Get out your calendar and call your friends. Start making dates and plans!!!!!

How about taking a class in something that you are truly interested in?

And if you want to interact more with your kids - I suggest you think about what it is that you want to do! Are you wanting to get them out of the house and enjoy life or are you wanting to just hang about the house? What kind of interacting are you wanting to do?
For me, when ah first moved out, I got a booklet on everything our county offered. The kids and I hit street fairs, festivals, took bicycle rides on the bike path, and went to the park and played. We went and watched a friend of mine that was in a band practice and we went and saw them perform one night (in a non-drinking atmosphere). The point is that we got out of the this house and we started living! I came up with any kinds of ideas that we could do that I could manage to afford. Doing this made it fun - for the kids and myself. It wasn't where I felt like I had too or that I had to make myself, it really was fun. One night, we went to a street fair, it was cold and rainy and it was horrible. The kids and I had a blast. I found out a few days later that my son told ah how the night had been (the bad stuff) and then told him how much fun it was and how "Mom always makes the best of everything". Later that year, my daughter had a writing assignment. It too pointed out how I'd taken them out to do fun stuff, even inexpensive stuff, and that I'd made it fun for them. So don't go thinking you have to do expensive stuff or even things that are long time spans.

Jessica- my concern for you is that you feel such a need for people and companionship that you tend to live around and for others. It's time you discover who YOU are and get with YOUR friends and start living life for YOU!

JessicaNAJ

I took a nice HOT shower. And then went outside with my son to toss football. He got cold and wanted to go in. It lasted a whole 5 minutes.

JessicaNAJ

Not good. I can't come up with anything. Isn't that terrible?? But there have been a lot of good suggestions here.....thank you.

That is the last thing I want to do.

JessicaNAJ

We do things all the time outside the house.

During the summer, me and the kids go to Kings Island every weekend.

Each friday I go to my friends so the kids can hang out with hers and I can hang out with my friend.

We had a girls night out last weekend.

I go to Al-Anon meetings on Monday nights (or try to).

Today, I tossed football with my son and built a puzzle with my daughter.

I really have no close friends except the one whose house I go to on Fridays. I do have one other, but she has been spending time with her friends and her new boyfriend.

I'm just not much of a social person. I've never really lived a life outside of my house. This is all I know. I've had a gym memberhship before....but then the kids started complaining b/c they wanted to play outside with their friends and not go with me. I couldn't leave them home by themselves....so after a month of complaining, I gave up going to the gym.

Maybe I am going through some sort of depression....I just want to go to sleep so I don't have to deal with all this. My daughter is so demanding of my attention....and sooooo impatient. EX..If she wants the TV on she wants it now. My son...he just irritates the heck out of her, and he's never happy. He just got all upset b/c he wants to go out to eat and I told him I didn't have the money. I can't please everyone. I can't even get my thoughts together. ARGHHHH I want to cry right now. Maybe I'll go to my moms for a bit. I have to get out of this house. I think I'm going crazy....closterphobic (sp)

mythreesons

(((Jess))), I was just in the same boat. Then I got the kindergarten registration packet for my oldest and it hit me how fast he had gone from newborn to kindergartener. I knew I had to act fast, get off my a$$ and just do, anything, the park, the library, a gym class for them. I even invited a pre-school friend of my son and his mom and brothers over for dinner last Friday because my AH was working late. (He works sooo much, 16 hours a day for weeks) I really felt the moss growing on me and realized it is not too many years away that my kids aren't really going to want much to do with me so I better take advantage of it now. I got these Everyday Cooking recioe books and break and bake cookies and the kids and I are actually cooking together... makes the task easier and they want to eat what they help make, it's been fun. I don't remember how old your two are, but just think, at 9 they will be off at other kids houses and their friends will be "more important" to them. So get up girl, go have a good time with them, it is a choice you have to make, but day 5 in for me and it is getting easier, more fun and they even play more together, still annoy each other, but that is siblings. Good luck, and a big hug.

nutz

Small step for man giant step for mankind.lol

Just alot of changes , and adjustments....it's stressing you.
Breaking the cycle of chaos ain't easy.
These trigger or attacks gets fewer and further apart.
Don't be so hard on your self. You are going thur a lot.

I read up on stuff.
Basically , there's lost...
your hopes and dreams of what you thought your marriage would be.
That's a big, big lost in my book...so there's a far amount of grieving
that's needed. And nobody wants to grieve becuase it's one of most
low, low,low feeling a person can go through.
However we can't live in denial anymore....so cry if you have too.

there's anger involve, I'd be **** too, if my life went south.
If a person surpress anger....Mmmm when you surpress you get depressed.
Even in the Course of Miracles...there's excercizes of
I'm angery at.....so and so.....becuase of ....this and that....
These excercises allow a release of anger..not in a destructive way.

In recovery I was taught "you can start your day over any time you want"
This is a very effective tool. I took 4-5 showers a day and go thur
my routine of step 1,2,3. Becuase sometimes I can't do it oneday
at a time. it may sound corney or stupid at first. But I wanted to
get well and was willing apply simple suggestions. it help me a great deal
to break my depression and anxiety. It gave me a posistive attitude.
I gave myself a clean slate to start over as much as i needed to.
Therefore my life got better hour by hour, day by day.
And it became a habit after some pratice and application.
it wasn't complicate and obtainable.
Gradually, i started incorporating other habits into my life
using the same priciple. I started taking walks. This also assist
in releaving depression and stress, plus it also gave me more energy.
The first day...Mmmm I got a couple of 100 yards...5 mins.lol
After a couple of weeks I could walk a couple if miles
Then I could jog a couple if miles
Then I started working out other parts of my body.

Kind of like the Roman's empire was built brick by brick.

I'm doing this right now, it's helping me through my current situation.
I notice, I'm not depressed..yes I feel the roller coasts of different
emotions...but I'm not depressed.
And I also tell myself I love myself and God loves me no matter what
as soon as I get up and through out the day as many times as I need
to or when I'm aware