Minx1969

So L and I are having dinner with his parents on Sunday and I'm anticipating that his mother is going to tell me what I need to do with my life...especially since I got hurt.

I already set a boundary with L that any conversation that his mom has with him about me..needs to stay between them..not to bring me in on it..

Tonight, he did that..She called and he told her that she needed to take it up with me directly..(something to do with my accident)..

So in anticipation that she is going to offer UNWANTED advice and criticism, I'd like to come up with some ways to nicely tell her to back off..

So far I've come up with:

1. Tell her I'm not willing to discuss this at this time..and if she persists hobble off into the other room on my crutches.

2. Ask her to respect that as an adult I can make my own decisions...


Other suggestions?

LaTeeDa

I like number 2, but I would also thank her for her concern and any suggestions that she may offer.

One of my new mottos is a variation of "kill them with kindness." I like to "kill them with calmness."

Best of luck to you in trying to unstress a stressful situation.

L

Minx1969

Thanks LaTeeDa..

You are right about thanking her for her concern and her suggestions..I'll use it..

BlueMoon

I like #1 (or my variation of it!)
"Thank you for your concern - but i would really rather not discuss it right now."

In MY experience with setting a boundaries, "short + sweet" works the best. Pick your words and stick to 'em.
If asked "but WHY don't you want to _________?"
Smile, give a little shrug and repeat your original statement.

If that doesn't work - yep - hobble off to the bathroom and say the Serenity Prayer a few dozen times.

Hang in there and have a *good* dinner - in SPITE of *her* if nothing else!! (heh heh heh)

Blessings,
Blue

JessicaNAJ

I agree with LaTeeDa. She kinda took the words right out of my fingers.

minnie

Hi there, Minx! Hope you're doing OK considering the circumstances.

As for L's mother, I think it maybe depends whether you want to be "heavy" or not. Heavy would mean some straight-talking, the repercussions of which may not be something you need at the moment.

How about "I hear what you're saying, I'll bear that in mind"? A bit less confrontational than "I'm a grown woman, keep your nose out of my business. If I need your advice, I'll ask - which, btw, will not be before hell freezes over."

I know you'll do the right thing - you have great recovery.

Dawn10

Minx,
Sounds like L's mom and mine are related!
I have to constantly set boundaries with my mom and I have done the " I am not going to discuss that right now" one. I sometimes have to repeat it several times for her to get it, but it does work. If after 3 or 4 repeats it doesn't sink in, the walking out of the room is very effective. Don't leave in a huff, just leave calmly, with a slight smile on your face and go and repeat teh Serenity prayer in the bathroom as already suggested!
After so many years of setting this type of boundary with my mom, I usually don't have to leave anymore ( or hang up the phone) She finally gets it with me.
Good luck!
Dawn

Cap3

Hey minx,from my own experience,with folks who give out unwanted advice,and criticism,thanking them,only fuled the fire that i wanted put out.lol.They kept going on,and on and on.,with their unwanted advice,and continued to criticize me.Because i thanked them,they understood this to mean that i wanted more of what they were dishing out to me..Was i being honest with myself?No,because my actions did not match up with my words.Inside of myself i was not thankful for their unwanted advice.This was my true feelings/thoughts,that i wasnt thankful..I know that they did this to me,with good intentions.Their heart was good.But,like the ole saying goes,the road that leads to hell,is paved by folks with good intentions.Cant control others,.And yet behaviour teaches others how i want to be treated,and what i will tolerate.Say what i mean.Mean what i say.And try my best to not say it mean.Say whats in my heart,my true feelings/thoughts.People,{not all of course,,for some are sicker than others}but people,appreate an honest answer,to be open and honest,with how im thinking/feeling about what they are doing/saying to me.If my words goes on deaf ears,by them, then my actions speak for me.I would not remove myself,at the dinner table,because then im being a victim,of my own making.By allowing another to control my actions.Unless i "want" to remove myself,and not feeling i have to remove myself.There is a difference.Saying what i need to say,as kind as i can,then turning a deaf ear,if they continue.I know another who didnt take no for my,answer,was very hostil towards me,although i said what i needed to, with love/kindness.So i felt that i must be assertive,and i was.I use to think being assertive was being cruel,but it isnt.Assertive,means,ive drawn the line,where you cannot come over,and if you are aggressive,and keeping coming over this line,then i need to teach you no.I have choices.I can,find humor in another giving out unwanted advice.I can shrug my shoulders.I can be open/honest and say,what im thinking /feeling about this unwanted advice,if im hurting.
Thanks for letting me share,
my own e,s-and hope.
pray and be guided,what is God,s will,here?--step3
God Bless,and take care!!!

gelfling

I'm with Cap on the thanking issue. They than get the idea that you're so grateful, it will become a nasty nasty habit. They become your self-appointed mentor, savior and advisor. And God help you if you don't do what they say. They won't let you live it down. You'll be tagged as being unappreciative.

Something I do with my husband...when he suggests/tells me something, I say, I'm going to have to think about all of my options for a little while before making any kind of decisions.

OR I just say, hhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm, that's different. And I change the conversation or remove myself from the room.

Last thought..."I've got so much on my plate right now and am a bit overwhelmed". I'll take it one day at a time.

Minx1969

She waited until the last 10 minutes of our visit..L was out of the house retrieving something from the car..(of course she waited until he was not around).

"You aren't going to do that again"...blah blah blah..

she needed to be right..and tell me what to do.. I kept my mouth shut..

told her that "i wasn't ready to make any further decisions at this time" (about jumping again) . and when L came back we made our exit..

So I killed her with compassion..

In the future I think I'm going to have to have a heart to heart and let her know that I feel disrespected.

The whole past 2 weeks she is the only person in my life who has told me what she thinks I need to know and do..everyone else (including my family) has been pretty damn supportive...

L and I had a little chat in the car and he thanked me for handling it in a positive manner..

rooroo

Sounds like you handled the situation. As I deal with my husbands recovery I find myself offerings little tidbits of advice on how he needs to do this and he needs to do that. I want to thank you for writing. You reminded that I need to keep my advice to myself and just be supportive!! Of course, for me that is usually easier said than done, but I am working on it. Today, I will remember.. cant clean up his backyard until my backyard is clean!!
I do have people offering me their advice all time on how to handle my situations. It took me a long time to just look at them, and say thank you, I never thought of that before. And then walk away. I usually argue and go into detail blah blah which then makes the conversation way longer than I wanted. By using my short little phrase I find it leaves them with nothing more to say and the conversation end right there.

BlueMoon

********{Minx}}}}}

Way ta go! Sounds like you handled a difficult situation beautifully!
I know for me, it's harder than hell to stay calm AND polite when I feel I'm being disrespected/my boundaries being pushed.

I s'pose it's possible that she feels she IS being supportive and caring - and maybe that is HER way of showing it.

BUT it sure doesn't mean you have to like it / buy into it / listen to it / ETC!

I'm proud of you!

Blessings,
Blue