I Let Go With Love
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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Posts: 18
I Let Go With Love
My now ex abf, after being together for close to a year, one night, out of the blue, told me that for the entire year we have been together, that he has been faking how he felt about me. He said he loves the person I am, loves me very much, wanted me in his life badly, but was not in love with me. He broke it off. Just boom! Like, that. This announcement came a couple months after he had brought up plans to move in together and we were planning on doing just that. There was never any arguing or problems in the relationship during the entire time we were together.
I still love him very much. I have a hard time believing that he was faking an entire year. Everyone around us said they had never seen him so happy. Everyone was shocked.
This happened a couple weeks ago. I've been hurting bad.....pretty much ill. I would start feeling a little better and then he'd call. He still wanted to stay friends, still talk on the phone and go do things once in a while. I couldn't do it.....felt like I was on a rollercoaster. I told him tonight that when I look at him, my heart just breaks more and I cannot heal like that. I told him even though I love him, I can no longer be around him and I am letting him go.....I cannot be his friend....I cannot hang around with him or talk to him on the phone. I just cannot do that. He said, "Ok," was crying and hung up.
I still love him very much. I have a hard time believing that he was faking an entire year. Everyone around us said they had never seen him so happy. Everyone was shocked.
This happened a couple weeks ago. I've been hurting bad.....pretty much ill. I would start feeling a little better and then he'd call. He still wanted to stay friends, still talk on the phone and go do things once in a while. I couldn't do it.....felt like I was on a rollercoaster. I told him tonight that when I look at him, my heart just breaks more and I cannot heal like that. I told him even though I love him, I can no longer be around him and I am letting him go.....I cannot be his friend....I cannot hang around with him or talk to him on the phone. I just cannot do that. He said, "Ok," was crying and hung up.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I feel you did the right thing, it is easier to forget if don't see them or hear their voice.
I know it hurts. I believe he did the right thing for both of you.
No onw should do the rebound thing, but they do. I am sad that this happened to you. BIG HUGS
I know it hurts. I believe he did the right thing for both of you.
No onw should do the rebound thing, but they do. I am sad that this happened to you. BIG HUGS
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((hugs)))
That was a very brave thing to do, but I believe it really is the healthiest decision you could make at this time. I do think it is hard to be friends with someone immediately after you've split up even without alcoholism in the picture. I was with a guy for 10 years and we split up very amicably (no alcoholism involved.) In fact, it was so amicable that we would end up in bed together when we saw each other in the months after the split! It was only after having no contact for 6 months that we were able to redefine our friendship and truly become friends. Later, I even went to his wedding as did my parents and my brother was an usher.
Great example of boundary setting and making good choices for yourself.
That was a very brave thing to do, but I believe it really is the healthiest decision you could make at this time. I do think it is hard to be friends with someone immediately after you've split up even without alcoholism in the picture. I was with a guy for 10 years and we split up very amicably (no alcoholism involved.) In fact, it was so amicable that we would end up in bed together when we saw each other in the months after the split! It was only after having no contact for 6 months that we were able to redefine our friendship and truly become friends. Later, I even went to his wedding as did my parents and my brother was an usher.
Great example of boundary setting and making good choices for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
My heart goes out to you. You absolutely did what you needed to do right now. This wound is still very fresh and you probably can't be friends at this stage. As you're discovering, each time you see or talk to him you are basically ripping the scab off the fresh wound making it bleed again. Maybe you can be friends later on like what Minnie was saying but not now.
As for him never being "in love with you" I would think that speaks more about his own issues than anything you said or did so please try to not take it on as your fault or that there was anything wrong with you (I'm not saying you're doing this but we just seem to have that tendency). Ultimately by telling you now he did you a huge favor even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It would have been worse to hear this after you moved in together, got married and had a child. Believe me I know. My first husband wrote me a letter after we were together for 10 years and I was preparing to leave telling me that although he had "a love" for me that he had never loved me the way a man should love a wife. I about died and I hated him for it for a long time until I was finally able to move past it. Today I can truly say that we have one of the most amicable arrangements with regards to our daughter and we tend to blow people's minds when they see how we interract together. That didn't happen for many, many years though.
Step back from this situation, take some time to be good to yourself and to start the healing process. If later on you can be friends with him then fine but not at the expense of your own peace of mind.
Hugs,
Kellye
As for him never being "in love with you" I would think that speaks more about his own issues than anything you said or did so please try to not take it on as your fault or that there was anything wrong with you (I'm not saying you're doing this but we just seem to have that tendency). Ultimately by telling you now he did you a huge favor even though it doesn't feel like it right now. It would have been worse to hear this after you moved in together, got married and had a child. Believe me I know. My first husband wrote me a letter after we were together for 10 years and I was preparing to leave telling me that although he had "a love" for me that he had never loved me the way a man should love a wife. I about died and I hated him for it for a long time until I was finally able to move past it. Today I can truly say that we have one of the most amicable arrangements with regards to our daughter and we tend to blow people's minds when they see how we interract together. That didn't happen for many, many years though.
Step back from this situation, take some time to be good to yourself and to start the healing process. If later on you can be friends with him then fine but not at the expense of your own peace of mind.
Hugs,
Kellye
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: rather not say
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Thank you so much for everyone who replied.....the compassion and words of people at SR really touches my heart. I am so thankful I found this site!
Kellye--I could really relate to what you are saying.....that was exactly what it was feeling like everytime I saw him or spoke to him....like a scab being ripped open.
For some reason, I have almost been feeling....would I say, shame and embarrasment at what he did to me? I'm trying to get past that because, at this point, I have realized how much into his addiction he is....it is way worse than I have thought....a lot of stuff was hid that I didn't even find out until after the relationship was over. The thing that really bothers me is how now he is basically saying he used me for an entire year. How could someone do that for an entire year? How would I not feel something going on there? I know I am co-dependent, but usually I could sense someone not being into me or you would think there would be some type of indication. That is what makes me feel the shame, etc. Like I was a fool, wasted time and what little resources I had. (I live on disability and support a kid and myself on that.)
I've now been working real hard on my own self-esteem. It's never been that good to begin with and has now taken even a bigger hit. I'm being pretty gentle with myself. I'm also realizing that what he did or didn't say, none of it is going to make any sense because of his illness.....the words and what he was saying he was feeling at the end were changing daily.
I made my original post right after I ended the friendship. Today that still feels good that I did that. Now, I am thinking (and starting to get angry), "Why would I ever want to be friends or even associate with someone who has told me several times now that they basically used me like that for an entire year." I had trusted that person. It makes me afraid to trust again!
Last night I got myself to an Alanon meeting. There was a lady in there that shared about how she was married for 27 years and had her husband pull the same thing......said he'd never been "in love" with her. I talked to her after the meeting. I told her that I realized my relationship was no where as long or as involved as hers, but that her sharing really touched me and I could relate to some of the feelings she was talking about. We talked for a while. She told me the feelings are the same because I'd opened my heart to this person. She had told me, like me, she had never even sensed any of this coming. My heart went out to her in a huge way.
It is helpful hearing other people's experience because it takes some of shame/embarrassment I feel out of it because it makes me realize that I am not the only one this has ever happened to. What still just shocks me is how no one around him....not old time friends of his, etc., ever knew of his unhappiness or feeling this way. Everyone used to comment how good we got along, how good our relationship was, etc. He used to tell them, "Yep, I've finally found the right girl." No one ever saw it coming. I've had old friends of his call me and tell me what a bunch of garbage they think this is. People who have known him for years! Guess he just lied to everyone. Guess I will never really know; but, I am glad to just be able to go on with my own life now.
Kellye--I could really relate to what you are saying.....that was exactly what it was feeling like everytime I saw him or spoke to him....like a scab being ripped open.
For some reason, I have almost been feeling....would I say, shame and embarrasment at what he did to me? I'm trying to get past that because, at this point, I have realized how much into his addiction he is....it is way worse than I have thought....a lot of stuff was hid that I didn't even find out until after the relationship was over. The thing that really bothers me is how now he is basically saying he used me for an entire year. How could someone do that for an entire year? How would I not feel something going on there? I know I am co-dependent, but usually I could sense someone not being into me or you would think there would be some type of indication. That is what makes me feel the shame, etc. Like I was a fool, wasted time and what little resources I had. (I live on disability and support a kid and myself on that.)
I've now been working real hard on my own self-esteem. It's never been that good to begin with and has now taken even a bigger hit. I'm being pretty gentle with myself. I'm also realizing that what he did or didn't say, none of it is going to make any sense because of his illness.....the words and what he was saying he was feeling at the end were changing daily.
I made my original post right after I ended the friendship. Today that still feels good that I did that. Now, I am thinking (and starting to get angry), "Why would I ever want to be friends or even associate with someone who has told me several times now that they basically used me like that for an entire year." I had trusted that person. It makes me afraid to trust again!
Last night I got myself to an Alanon meeting. There was a lady in there that shared about how she was married for 27 years and had her husband pull the same thing......said he'd never been "in love" with her. I talked to her after the meeting. I told her that I realized my relationship was no where as long or as involved as hers, but that her sharing really touched me and I could relate to some of the feelings she was talking about. We talked for a while. She told me the feelings are the same because I'd opened my heart to this person. She had told me, like me, she had never even sensed any of this coming. My heart went out to her in a huge way.
It is helpful hearing other people's experience because it takes some of shame/embarrassment I feel out of it because it makes me realize that I am not the only one this has ever happened to. What still just shocks me is how no one around him....not old time friends of his, etc., ever knew of his unhappiness or feeling this way. Everyone used to comment how good we got along, how good our relationship was, etc. He used to tell them, "Yep, I've finally found the right girl." No one ever saw it coming. I've had old friends of his call me and tell me what a bunch of garbage they think this is. People who have known him for years! Guess he just lied to everyone. Guess I will never really know; but, I am glad to just be able to go on with my own life now.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
There is no reason for you to feel shame. You loved a person, you trusted him. He is the one that was deceiving you. Not only did he lie to you and everyone around you - but he lied to himself.
This is so not about you - it's about his own lack of character. Definately no shame on your fault. Please don't be so hard on yourself. There are just some people out there that no matter how hard you try, you will never understand the "how"s or "why"s of things. You can't because they don't make sense - they don't make sense because they are not logical.
Know in your heart that there is no reason to feel ashamed or foolish for having loved someone. The foolish one that should feel shame is the one that was untrue and deceiving.
You're worth better than that! So keep focusing on yourself and regain your self confidence and self esteem. Be happy with yourself and love yourself - and others will be also.
This is so not about you - it's about his own lack of character. Definately no shame on your fault. Please don't be so hard on yourself. There are just some people out there that no matter how hard you try, you will never understand the "how"s or "why"s of things. You can't because they don't make sense - they don't make sense because they are not logical.
Know in your heart that there is no reason to feel ashamed or foolish for having loved someone. The foolish one that should feel shame is the one that was untrue and deceiving.
You're worth better than that! So keep focusing on yourself and regain your self confidence and self esteem. Be happy with yourself and love yourself - and others will be also.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I don't put much store in these "I never loved you" or "I can't love you the way you need" lines. To me it's a bunch of bull quacking. I think it's something they all learn in some little guidebook.
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
I've now been working real hard on my own self-esteem. It's never been that good to begin with and has now taken even a bigger hit. I'm being pretty gentle with myself. I'm also realizing that what he did or didn't say, none of it is going to make any sense because of his illness.....the words and what he was saying he was feeling at the end were changing daily.
be prepared,it is going to take you quite awhile to get it back. it has taken me months on end,and im still not where i should be. though,like you,i doubt i ever was in that area.
my ex a never said anything like that,but i was the opposite of you-in that i never really truly felt he was really into me,even though he constantly said he did love me. his actions (or alot of non action) showed me otherwise. then when he found someone else,in a conversation about it,he said (sorry to repeat this,u other guys!) "i dont feel any different about her,than i did you".well,that stunned me-due to the fact they were moved in together in less than a month. till i realized,this man doesnt have a clue WHAT his feelings are. for anything,anyone,or even himself.
it made me think about how needy people might just "settle".i truly believe thats what he did with me,even though he may or may not have been aware of it. just like you, i felt stupid,kind of ashamed,and used. i should have been gone as soon as i sensed him not really being into me,instead of sticking around waiting for things to get better,while my heart was getting more involved- along with the habit of a relationship (good or bad). for it has been hard to just get over the habit part.
we tried the friends thing...he was too friendly. till he met her...then he blew me off. which in the end turned out to be a good thing,cuz it was much too soon for us to try to be friends.we still arent,and i dont know if we will ever be,but i sure needed this time without the contact,though i fought it all the way for awhile.
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