thumper2776

Thank you splendra! Honestly I have been reading posts here for the past few months, but never replied to any or started any, just wanted to see if this was a good place for me, and I found myself addicted,every chance I get I look to see if people responded to other posts, and it just helps me get away from my own problems even for just a short while. well here is my story.... I am 29 turning 30 in june, my life has just flew right by me...I grew up in an alcoholic home, My mother was an alcoholic and drug addict and she lost custody of me when I was 9 months old, My father was a social alcoholic, not abusive at all, he did the best he could for me but we never was stable, we moved from place to place, school to school, relative to relative, He was a workaholic as well so I was like on my own at a young age. Well I met my now husband when I was 17, and I ran away just to be with him, We got an apartment and I finally found stability in my life. He seemed to have all the qualities that I wanted, He was a marine, strong willed, dependable, Sensitive. I had my son at the age of 19, my life was going great, So I thought, but couldnt understand why noone else would except it, everyone stopped visiting me, I had no relationship with my father or family, just his family. throughout almost 11 years of my sons life and almost 5 of my daughters life, I have strived to give my children everything that I didnt have,,family being one...stability being another . I never drank or used drugs, I have seen it my whole life, and was always too scared. my children was and is my only focus in life. I was a puppet for many years, quiet, nieve, young and dumb! looking back I wonder what it was all worth, I think I was wrong in life to think I was giving my children a better life, when all the while, i know now that they are going to be damaged for the rest of their life for my selfishness. My husband is a very controlling, alcoholic. never does drugs. doesnt think he is an alcohloic. He thinks he manages. He too is a workaholic, and my children go without anything.{material wise, which means absolutley nothing} He is very much an emotional abuser and mentally *ucks with my head. Everything is his, If I leave I have nothing, even the children, because he is so established in this world. I was a stay at home mom for many years,Never established myself, just was a pawn for 13 yrs. I see so much in my life now. The children hear all of our arguments, he even tells my kids" your mother is a low life, if it wasnt for me she would be living in the projects" or " your own family dont even like you" even though I know that my family dont come around cause they hate him! I know this now but never knew it 10 years ago! I am not my husbands only victim,,his family and friends doesnt visit unless he is not home, his own mother hates the way he is, but noone wants to let him know how they really feel, because he is a ticking time bomb. If my mother in law gives him any advice, he wont let her see the kids and then I have to sneak them to see her, and this is not easy cause my daughter doesnt realize and she has the gift to gab! For the past 3 years I have been very verbal to him in letting him know how I feel, and I give him a go with our arguments now, I dont let him just talk down to me anymore, I stand up for myself. But I know when to call it quits too ! I am no fool, I know what he is capable of! My son has such an attitude with my husband.this is very scary! I have left a number of times, only to find my way back. He should leave, why should my children have to uproot? I just try to abide by his "rules" as much as I can without completley losing myself again. I have had a nervous breakdown and was on meds prescribed by my doctor without him knowing, but I weaned myself off because I feel if I have to be on meds to cope, how is that living? I know that I am ready, and I have been planning for a long time. I am working, and any penny that I can put away without him knowing, I do. Will he ever change? everyone says no way! and I know that this is probably true. Life is so hard to figure out. I know some people think I should go to a shelter, but that step I never wanted to take, it seems so scary . and how do I get established from there? I wish I had all the answers! I never thought I would settle for less, as a child I went to counceling and always was strong and knew that I was worth something and I was a better person than my life percieved. I have too much of a heart for everyone else But... what about me? well thanks for letting me ramble my life, there is much more but I will save it for another day. By the way I do homecare, and take care of the elderly, and let me tell you it is the greatest feeling in the world! I love to love and to take care of people! Yes I know I am an enabler! someday this cycle will be broken, and I know I am the only one to do this. My son and I have a dream to travel the world together when he is old enough. I know this will probably wont happen and he will go about his life, but it feels good that he is just like me, not his dad. my son is so caring and understanding. My daughter worries me, at 4 she already has a bad temper! Well again I appreciate this site very much, and like I said I am addicted now, so hope to hear some good input! TY

megamysterioso

Welcome to SR Thumper and I'm glad you posted. You find great people here. This site has helped me tremendously.

This is very sad that your AH did not even know of your nervous breakdown!! Your AH sounds VERY controlling. He really has had you under his thumb and began manipulating you at a very young/vulnerable age. To answer your question, no he won't change. He has been who he is all his life and has conditioned and warped your relationship to be what it is today. This is the "status quo" for him and of course he sees nothing wrong with it b/c it is all in his favor.

The way that you've reacted to all of his behaviors in the past have shown him (in his mind) that it is acceptable to treat you the way that he does. You are doing the right thing by saving every bit of money you can. Continue to do so and break away from this prison you are living in. See an attorney and find out about your options. You have been with him a long time and you are entitled to something. He CANNOT "get everything period. Don't let him brainwash you into thinking you don't have options.

You DO have options and one day you and your son just might be able to travel the world together. Don't lose sight of this dream either .

thumper2776

TY, and I understand now that I allowed him to treat me this way, and it was ok for many years so i thought, that maybe I deserved it, . I do know now I deserve better in life, wasnt dealt the best hand, but I think all in all, It is only making me stronger, finally getting my head out of the mud! Trust me no man alive could break my stride again! I will plow through this mess I got my family in! I HOPE! Just wish I was stronger in life at an earlier stage in my life!

megamysterioso

I'm glad to hear it!! Yes, I honestly did not realize how much I was contributing to the problems in my relationship with my AH until very shortly before coming here. Coming here has brought me into the light at lightning speed! I have learned so much about co-dependancy and life with addiction. It is true that we cannot control another's actions/behaviors/attitudes, but we CAN control our own reactions/behaviors/attitudes. It truly makes all the difference to realize this and own your part in the mess.

You will get through this and it sounds like you know what you need to do. Keep reading here and posting and learning and preparing yourself. Arm yourself with knowledge and keep your will to strive.

Cynay

Welcome to SR..... we are so glad that you found us.

Yes you do deserve a better life and unfortunally its true, we teach people how to treat us. I do completely understand though.... especially when you dont get a really good head start.

Guess what though.......

I was also raised by a Alcoholic, my parents should have divorced but they did not and I had a very warped view of how life was supose to be... and what love is. I married and had a daughter, knowing I was no whole and dysfuncional I started therphy when she was born.... when she was two I left her father who was also a controling, raging, drug/alcohol abuser.... I went on to marry someone his opposite that did not work either.... my daughter and I use to make up such dreams about traveling... we loved to run away from home, to just get in the car and drive till we found where we wanted to be... My last relationship was again with a Alcholic, cheating, lying, mind games... both my parents have sense passed and I was at a all time low in self esteem...

Well... there is where I was about 15 months ago. One night I prayed to God and gave it all up to him and guess what. He answered my prayer (not the way I wanted him too) 2 weeks before Christmas my daughter and I were moving to an apt, he gave me 500 cash to get out and this is after he decided to get sober. It was only after I started seeing him again after all that ... got dumped on again, that I got smart. I started coming here, I started going to Al-anon and open AA meetings, Got a wonderful sponsor (who Im sure God custom made for me), I started getting stronger, building the kind of life I wanted and I met a wonderful man that is healthy and loving. My daughter and I have the best of relationships, I have a support system I did not think possible and for the first time in SO long I can say Im REALLY happy.... The catcher was working on myself, not focusing on him. Taking back my life and getting the help I needed.

OH... and by the way, my daughter and I are going to Italy for 9 day in July.... Dreams do come true.

Please stick around and let us get to know you!

Today,

cwohio

i think many of us feel the same way, but at least you are recognizing it - earlier than some of us.

thumper2776

You guys are great, I never felt more peace in knowing that people actually do listen, and I love everyones quotes! My son, at 10 is a hell of allot smarter than me. he has everything planned out in case "daddy starts again", I feel so badly for him, we had to hide in the woods a few times just to get away, and he remembers, and just the other day he said, "I know where those woods lead to now, and we can run to joeys house", It hurts me that he has had to think for me, thank god I do not drink and do drugs, I cant even think for myself now. My son is steps ahead of me. And he so strong, and he dont blame me for staying or if we leave. He is very open with me, as I am with him, I hope my daughter turns out to be just like him! I am very proud, after all My family has been through, I still raised a fine young man! And he knows that the way daddy treats everyone is wrong and I think that he would not follow in his footsteps, as I didnt follow in my mothers footsteps!

Cynay

Children are amazing with that one I would totally agree....

He is not smarter then you are hon, he just has not been as beaten down as you have.... when we are told something over and over for years and years we tend to start believeing and forgetting our dreams.

BTW.... though children are amazing, you were that child once, and look what happened to you. Perhaps your kids could be a motivation to make some changes because they cant grow up in a dysfuncional family and not be dysfuncional themselves.

You have to remember also, the AH will do what ever he can to make you believe he is right .... start doing some research yourself, see if there is a chance you would not be given custody, start a journal and keep records of all his outbursts and things that happen, call a womens shelter and find out what alternatives there are.... You dont have to let your son bear a burden like an escape route, you can do that and take some control back.

LaTeeDa

Hello, and welcome. This is a great place.

Although you don't say anything about violence in your post, I sense that may be something you are dealing with. If not actualy violence, may the fear that he may get violent. Have you read the stickies about DV at the top of the forum? My concern is that well-meaning advice for non-violent situations can really make things worse if violence is involved.

Best wishes to you. You will find better things in life.

L

rivercitybelle

Hey Thumper...
WELCOME!!! You've got a home here at SR.
If you haven't already, read the DV stickies at the top of the forum. They contain lots of good information.
If AH is still active duty Marine, you have some options. If the issue of him wanting your ID card back, he does NOT get to choose. DOD does and regs say you get to keep the ID card until the divorce is FINAL - if you end up going that route.
Also, despite the fact he thinks he gets everything... he doesn't. You are able to get part of his retainer (retirement). You need to talk to a lawyer who knows these things.
FIRST - you and your children must be safe.
Second - take care of you. You deserve your kindness. You deserve to be treated well and to be happy.
Remember SR is always open!

thumper2776

Although in 13 yrs. I have had the occasional tug or push, he never outright slapped or hit me. I have been spit at though and that is very degrading. But I have seen him get very violent with other people, he is an ex marine, and he thinks he is stronger and better than anyone else. I have asked him why he is so disrespectfull to me and his response, as if I deserve it..." I say mean stuff because I am so mad and I dont want to hit you" he dont get that the words stick with me forever. Thats his sick way of letting me know that he is doing the right thing cause instead of physically hitting me he will emotionally and mentally hit me. He needs anger mang. very badly. And I know that when I do decide to go for good again, it will not be over. He makes sure that everyones life that I deal with is so miserable that they wont want to deal with me anymore. He does throw what ever he has in his hands when he is mad, remote, pen, etc. He is very scary, he gets right in my face to yell and get his point across. To me, the emotional aspect of it is enough, if he were handsy, I think I would really crack up!

Cynay

I understand why but......

Read your post again. You told us up above that no one wants to have anything to do with him. Here you say that if you leave you will be isolated because he will make everyone you deal with miserable.

Do you see what he is doing, IMO he is building your fear, fear of him, fear of losing everything, fear of losing the children, fear of being alone...etc...

This is his view, it is not reality.....

Tell me something, if you left would you fear he would quite mentally hitting you and turn to physical??? You said he has gotten physical with others?

thumper2776

definatley, he has broken friends windows, and I havent really had anyone who will stand up to him, they all turn their cheek, because they know what he is capable of doing. He has had numbered assault charges on him, but he gets away with it all cause he has a good lawyer. I think that if I leave I will be dealing with death itself, I will not be in his controlled little world anymore. He will feel like he has nothing to lose. Understand? or am I just so paranoid that I keep up with this life so that I dont have to deal with the outcome? Things got so bad that he was in my face with his bad mouth one time, and I totally lost it and slapped him because he said that I was no good just like my mother. Then he was going to call the police to say that I have assaulted him. And by no means am I abusive, he just manipulates me so bad. I would have never made it in the marines, he obviously cracked somewhere along the way. I made sure that I tried every avenue with him before i started to decide this is not right. I asked him to go to marital counc. he says "I wont go talk to some stranger about our problems and they will say you crazy anyway" I asked him to quit drinking for awhile, he does not see it as a problem, its me, i am the problem.

thumper2776

Is it wrong for me to feel guilty of leaving, I know about the battered women syndrome, I have been all over the web, and was surprized to see so many people go through it. and much to my surprize that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. Never really thought of it as "abuse", but as I get older, I see the affects that trying to keep a dysfunctional family functional, is very disfunctional. confusing! Not to mention it drains every bit of energy out of ya. Today I did nothing but sit on my pc and try to get as much knowledge as I can. I learned a whole lot, some harsh realities!

Anguished

(((thumper)))
I know about the batter wife syndrome... My counselor suggested that I had characteristics of a battered wife. I thought she was crazy... But when I thought about all the fear I felt when it came to my ABF... It really opened my eyes...

Im certainly no expert but you really shouldn't feel guilty about leaving him. He seems to be a controlling manipulative man.
You and your children deserve much better than this abusive man.

Please stay safe and I will keep you in my prayers...

(((HUGS)))
Anguished

kmagk

Your son reminds me of mine (8 years old), always looking out for me, always protecting me. Even now as much as he wants his dad to come home, he wants me to be happy and realizes that it is my choice and his dad may never get better.
It breaks my heart to hear your son's worries to hear him planning his (your) escape to Joey's house. Once when my son was 5 he was having a sever asthma attack, struggling to breathe and he was consoling me telling me not to worry, meanwhile I cut my finger and he cried, he was so wrried about my little cut. He and I were and are a team, we now have 2 other team members (his little sisters) but he is my main man. I am thankful you have yours, you are not alone. You have my love, support and prayers. Please keep your dreams & be strong, you can make them a reality.

thumper2776

I guess its crazy that I got into a comfort zone for years in this relationship, At 17 noone is truly mature enough too make lifelong desicions but I do take responsibility for them and hope for the best."do whatever is necessary to get through the moments without a lot of outbursts! " That was in another post, and I have done this, and still do this, for many years. I try not to feel bad for myself, cause that accomplishes nothing, I just like to be heard like everyone else, and hear responses, and get actuall input.

megamysterioso

You are NOT the problem and no offense, but your AH sounds like a dang lunatic!!! My AH also has the opinion that he is "stronger and badder" than everyone else. He used to love getting into physical fights with people. He still has that capacity in him, but has tried to tame it down some.

My AH was also violent in ways such as you describe. Threw things, punched walls, doors, windshields. Also got about an inch in front of my face a few times and yelled at the top of his lungs. Shoved me and pushed me a couple of times. Grabbed me enough so that I had bruises on my wrists (very embarrassing to go to work in summer w/a long sleeve shirt on). Called me every single name in the book. Every time this happened, he was absolutely blasted drunk/high. I do understand what it is like to live in that kind of environment. VERY SCAREY.

That along with raging drunkenness tore my marriage a new one. Luckily, since my AH has sought a little counseling and got on some meds, he has gotten in touch with his anger and is calm. He really has taken done a 180 in this regard and I'm proud of him. If your AH does not even recognize his anger issue as "a problem," then he should be feared big time. He will continue to bully and abuse (what you are going through is psychological/emotional abuse).

You really need to get out of there as quickly and as safely as you know how. You may consider filing a Temporary Order of Protection. In my state, I was presented with this option from our sherriff's office. They told me that I could file it and that my AH would not even be able to step foot into our home (even though the lease was in both our names). If he disobeyed the order, all I would have to do is pick up the phone, call the sherriff and he would be arrested. Maybe you should check on this option so that it can bide you time enough to pack up your things and get out without him around?

thumper2776

For the past 3 years I have been having symptoms of what was thought to be anxiety, but now my doctor is having me tested for the begining stages of ms. I will not let AH know, for I fear he will take more advantage of my disavantage.Not so nice to be with someone u dont even want to tell your ailments to. this is supposed to be the time that I can trust him to help me out.

thumper2776

tomorrow I will post in the am and let u guys know how my night went. thank you all!