Ayers1995

Update from yesterday... when I left work, my AH was here talking to my boss. (sort of a mentor for him) My boss suggested a good counselor for him, and to get his act straight.

Last night, he came to me with this.... If you have to leave to go to your moms, I understand, but I don't want you to go. I found this counselor and I am going to go see her, and I want you to go to. I was wrong with what I said about it being you that makes me drink. Then before bed he hit me with finding a church to go to! WHAT THE ####!

I woke up this morning with this aching in my heart. WHY NOW? WHY do they wait until you can't do it anymore? What am I supposed to do? In my heart, I am ready to move on. It is very selfish of him to not do anything all those years, and then drag me through this NOW.

Sunshine... I so get what you are going through. This is ripping me apart.

megamysterioso

Ayers, I wish I could make your pain go away somehow, but I can't. I would be very wary of the counseling situation. My AH suggested that we go to marriage counseling as well- got the phone number and everything. He was willing to make the call and go- still is. I told him, "I'm not receptive to that right now and therefore, it will not work." As so many kind folks in my thread posted yesterday, a reputable counselor will not take on couple's counseling until the issue of addiction has been resolved. Do NOT go with him. Consider seeing one all your own, but together with him will not be a good idea in my opinion.

Also, my AH sees a county shrink (this is all we can afford) so unfortunately, he only gets to see him maybe once every 2 months or so. Although my AH has been prescribed meds to help him w/anxiety issues, his drinking is IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM addressed in a way that makes a difference. His shrink, "did you quit drinking like I asked?" AH, "I've cut back to such and such and such." Shrink, "well, that's not good enough." And then my AH goes back 2 months later for refills and answers the same questions.

Ayers, do NOT do anything you do not want to do. Don't let him guilt you into thinking you "somehow owe this to him." He has owed you a lot throughout the marriage and where in the heck has he been? Staring 101 in the face!!!! He can go to church and go to counseling ALONE while you take a break and go to your mom's. This is a last ditch attempt to keep you at home. If he is serious about wanting to change, it will not matter if you at at your mom's or not.

Ayers1995

Thank you Mega... I appreciate so much your input. This is so hard. I am at work right now and all I can do is just cry. It's awful. It's hard enough to realize your marriage is done, but then for them to start pulling out all the cards. It just makes me want to scream.

If he goes to counseling and they give him meds for the anxiety and stuff, this is just going to continue to get worse. (the pleading and begging)Don't you think? Won't this make him all mushy and lovey dovey? I have stayed for the past 2 months to see what would happen (and look at what happened), but also b/c of his begging. I felt so good yesterday after deciding to go to my moms, and today it's just gut wrenching.

megamysterioso

I'm sending you a hug. Dry those tears sweet one. Yes Ayers, I think it will get worse. This is not a solution for him or for your relationship in my opinion. If you stay in the household with him, he will expect you to be VERY supportive of the steps he's making and you will find it very hard to deal with. When my AH first started his counseling, he bragged a lot about "his efforts" to anyone that would listen. I would really get sick about it on the inside. It's as if he thought he deserved a medal or something and this was infuriating to me.

The past 2 months have really gotten you no where and I think in the state of mind you're in right now (similar to mine) that it would be Hell for you to stay and see him through this. You will not be able to just "sweep everything under the rug" and be the wife that he will expect you to be during this time. Luckily, my AH has dealt with it somewhat maturely, in that he really has not been pressuring me to "come around" as much as he did in the very beginning. He realizes that our relationship has taken a toll on me and that he will have to "go it alone" for once. I CANNOT and will not be his cheerleader. I don't have it in me. I told him that if he could NOT deal with MY timetable then he could do whatever he needed to do (i.e.- leave). From everything I know about your AH, I think the lovey-dovey will be over-the-top and you will feel like you're drowning most of the time.

I really believe you need to let AH know that you are happy that he wants to get "help," but you will need to go to your mom's anyway to help yourself. If he is serious about his own recovery and saving his marriage (if that's possible and I don't blame you if you're past the point), he will do whatever he needs to do when you are gone. He will also understand your need to get away for a while and will not try and blaming you for "deserting him in his time of need", etc.

Ayers1995

Yes Mega, I could see him continually saying, look what I am doing for you, look what I have done. He's already been doing that w/the help he's finally been giving me around the house. I sent you flowers, don't I get a bigger kiss for that? I couldn't see myself living with that, w/o resenting him.

Cynay

Im sorry your hurting... I know how that one feels.

But desperate people will do desperate things.... Many A's will say and do whatever they have to so to keep the status quo... See they are sick, and they need an enabler to help them.... We are sick and we need someone to take care of...

Perhaps if you break the cycle, change the dance you can see things through a different view point.... and so could he. He is guilting you and will continue to do so, it has always worked... he is emotionally blackmailing you ... of course he is and you know what, IT WORKS. I does on me if Im not careful....

Ayers1995

Cynay, that's a good description of what it feels like. I will try to stand strong, and tell him that he can still do those things on his own, for a bit, and see how things go. I just want this ache to go away...waking up feeling so lost everyday is overwhelming.

I know that this is hurting him too. I think he is trying to find a way to fix things. It just hurts that it's now...not all the other times that I was pleading with him. Ya'know.

LaTeeDa

Because NOW you are leaving. He needs to step up his manipulation to get you to stay. I agree with the others who said, if he is serious, he will do what needs to be done whether you are there or not. In fact, this is a good way to tell if he is serious. If he does take some positive steps after you leave, maybe he is serious. (Then again, mines been out of my house for over six months and his positive steps are still only designed to get me back. He is still not serious) Either way YOU will be better off, no? And isn't that what really matters?

L

Jazzman

He MUST do these things on his own, you can not help him. Now he'll have a chance to prove if he's genuine.
Sure it is.. Now he HAS a WAY to fix things if he wants to, It's up to him. Leave what he owns to him, to get help, therapy, rehab, what ever. You're not taking the kids and dropping off the face of the earth. You've set healthy boundaries of what you can live with and what you can't live with,(and for your children too because YOU are the responsible adult in the home right now).

Now it's show time.

Kellye C

Being stuck in limbo is the worst! Basically you know you want out but you're not out yet and you're basically a captive audience to their last ditch efforts to change your mind. I don't know when you are able to move out but I hope for your peace of mind it is soon.

For me when I left my ex-AH, it wasn't until I was loading up the last of my furniture that I started to feel like I could breathe properly. Up until that point I didn't know from day to day or hour to hour what he would say or do next. He tried everything he could think of from saying he'd quit, go to counseling, get on antidepressants etc. I told him to do whatever but I was out of there! He did end up getting on AD's and convinced me he was no longer drinking and I allowed him to move to Texas with me. Huge mistake! ADs or not he was still impossible to live with and once he quit being on his good behavior and relaxed all the old behaviors and drinking were back. Within 4 months I sent him back to Louisiana and haven't looked back since.

Try to keep your head up until you can get out, vent and share here and let him do whatever he needs/wants to do with the understanding that he should do it for HIM not for YOU (as a couple or otherwise).

Good luck and hang in there!
Kellye