Having some major reality checks here (long)

Old 03-02-2006, 09:33 PM
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Having some major reality checks here (long)

As usual, I'm sure my post is going to be long. Just thought I"d warn ya.

I'm having some major reality checks here lately. Haven't been posting as I've been thinking - but I have been reading here (and of course learning).

Ah and I have reached a new phase in our relationship. A place where I think that we both realize that things that are not going to change; therefore, it's a place where I think we both recognize that this marriage is over. It's a strange place to be really.

From my perspective, I do not see where too much has changed since ah has moved out. The things I had told him I wanted, needed, etc when he moved out if he wanted to come back have not been done. We have had some added chaos since he moved out. And meanwhile, over the 2 years we've been apart, ah has drank sporadically (he always was a binger), I believe that he has drove w/ my teenage son in the vehicle after drinking, he has lied to me, he has made promises and then broke them, he still is verbally abusive (only I've realized that I do it to him now as well). He still is financially irresponsible. Heck, he's irresponsible - period!!! He still avoids the issues at hand, which leads to the blame game (blames me) and the manipulation game (playing with my emotions) and the Guilt game (this is his absolute favorite I think) and he's very angry and very defensive. And while on the surface, he does nice things for me - he won't stand up and be a man and face the messes he's made nor will he do anything to clean them up. He is an avoider. He wants to leave the past behind and move forward. I say that I can't do that - especially when so much of the past is still happening; therefore it's really not in the past.

Of course, ah sees things entirely different. (And it's usually in a way of where the blame gets cast on me). I won't even share with you what he says. For one, it's not important. And for another, there may be SOME truth to what he says - but definately not enough to warrant his words as the truth of the situation. (But yes, that small part of the truth can make me feel guilty as all get out...you all know how that works.) Regardless, I have to remind myself of the things that have not changed.

I've had a lot of reality checks lately - not just about ah. I guess some have been also about life in general as well as other people in my life. I realized that I was avoiding and withdrawing again (I do this when ah is in my life), I have become toxic to my friends as most of the conversations with them have been all about ah and updates of the drama of the day. Reality check of MY part and MY reactions in the saga. Embarrassing. I've also been reminded of the man I was seeing last year for awhile and how good he treated me and the kids. Have had people comment recently how it was during that time they had seen me at my happiest (and I know this is true. I was happy, didn't have the drama, had someone that treated me great, etc etc etc) And of course, my face is all broken out again which is the norm for stress - and I've been broken out ALOT this year since ah has been back in my life. Ugh....it's so sad.

I also discovered where ah gets his attitude! Not only did I discover it, I experienced it firsthand. Ah's father and I had a conversation the other day. It ended when I could not stand it anymore and walked away crying. His father talked to me just like ah does, tended to word things in a way that blamed me, avoided the issue at hand and only focused on one issue, he even grabbed my arm and held it at one point trying to stress his point, and he was arrogant!!!!! OMG, SO ARROGANT!!! I'll spare you details, but believe me, it was an eye opener - as well as just unbelievable on so many levels!!!! I don't know what he told ah about that conversation, but I did get an IM on the computer from ah that night and he was not happy! I didn't (and haven't) replied. The weird thing about this reality check is that I've always known that ah's father has this arrogant pride thing. I've never been close to him and I've not really ever had any respect for this man. I've always known that ah is somewhat arrogant - and he's even admitted that he dont/cant/wont swallow his pride to ask for any help, etc. so why did I not put this together before? And how in the world have I been in love with someone that is so much like his father - a man I knew to be arrogant, full of pride, and had no respect for!!!!!!! I can only believe that it was because I saw that good side of ah sometimes and it overshadowed the similarities. Or maybe because I always avoided ah's father since I didn't care for him, I never got to experience that side of him that sucks people in - cuz I'll bet you that he does that to people! Actually, with what I know of him and his wife's problems of the past, etc - (his dad was in a band, drank, had an affair, etc) - I'm betting that his Dad sucked his mom back in - just like ah has always sucked me back in. Ugh..........

Anyways, so far, ah and I have not had contact for only a short time. We've done this before.

I saw his picture in the newspaper the other day and I cut it out. It's sitting here on my desk face down. I have looked at it twice. Why? I'm not sure - perhaps a glutton for punishment. I look at that picture and I see him! I see that ornery grin that I've known all my life. I see his face and I remember the love that I have for him as well as the love I've had for him in the past. I believe that when I look at that picture, I see the man I loved, that I've always loved. I see the person - not the man that he is now - the one he's become. (Though I even question who he ever really was at this point) But regardless - It hurts. I fear having to see him in person. There is something about him that makes me weak.

So, while I sit here and realize that ah is never going to change (at least now while he's with me)....it does hurt. But there is nothing to do but accept that this is the truth of the matter. It's a very strange feeling of relief though to see things clearly. To come out of that fog that I've been in for so long. I wrote out on paper THE WORDS...THE ACTIONS. The truth is right there regardless of how he sees it, regardless of how he denies it, etc. It is as it is.

Could use some prayers from you all to stay clear-headed. For strength to go on - strength for when I have to be in ah's presence as it makes me weak - and all of your support.

I've accepted it as it is - now I just need to learn to let him go. And that for me has always been my stumbling block.
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Old 03-02-2006, 11:13 PM
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(((StandingStrong)))

Thinking of you.
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Old 03-03-2006, 01:20 AM
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Prayers on the way...

Mmmmm.... R u sure about the strength stuff ?
I prayer for patients once,... a long time ago, I think that prayer was
answered and is still in effect.lol
How about if I just send good thoughts, peace, happiness and stuff
like that.

It's a stumbling block for me also. I had one of those ahha moments,recently
she's INCAPIABLE.....so it' kind of like me barking up the wrong tree.
It's also wierd that I see things in different lights.
It's more of a release. I release her from me.
I release her of all the responsibilities to make me happy, okay, well...etc.
I release her of having to live up to my expectations, no matter
how right I feel about it or how wrong she's been.
It's still my expectations that she's INCAPIABLE of.

I actually pray for her, now. It actually brought tears to my eyes.
I pray someway, somehow GOD would help her or touch her heart.
I pray that she would be happy, healthy, surround by love & happiness
Even If it ment that she would live happily without me

It's wierd what a couple of good night sleep can do.
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Old 03-03-2006, 02:44 AM
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i feel your pain standing. my realization is that even though my ah needs to Learn Lots of Lessons- it is really not in my power to do anything except Learn my Own. the funny thing is, the more i let go of His situation the more i get to witness things around him which are indicators of his lesson in progress. such as when my youngest says, "is daddy babysitting us tonite?"- and he stresses he's not "babysitting" but he is "watching"- while my unspoken thoughts were- this man is NOT living up to his responsibilities as a father- and his little one hour stints with the girls is NOT making up for his utter abandonment of this family. - so i thought it was rather poignant that my littlest said exactly the right word- innocently enough- which we know he HEARD because of his reaction to it. little things like that. but it is not my place to drive his lessons home.. bedsides as you know he would try to blame me for it- and dismiss it.
saying a prayer for you and yours standingstrong. it is hard and it is painful, but it is worth it.
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Old 03-03-2006, 03:16 AM
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((SS)) - prayers to you. it's hard to be strong, quiet and listen to our inner voice isn't it?
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Old 03-03-2006, 04:27 AM
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong

I also discovered where ah gets his attitude! Not only did I discover it, I experienced it firsthand. Ah's father and I had a conversation the other day. It ended when I could not stand it anymore and walked away crying. His father talked to me just like ah does, tended to word things in a way that blamed me, avoided the issue at hand and only focused on one issue, he even grabbed my arm and held it at one point trying to stress his point, and he was arrogant!!!!! OMG, SO ARROGANT!!! I'll spare you details, but believe me, it was an eye opener - as well as just unbelievable on so many levels!!!! I don't know what he told ah about that conversation, but I did get an IM on the computer from ah that night and he was not happy! I didn't (and haven't) replied. The weird thing about this reality check is that I've always known that ah's father has this arrogant pride thing. I've never been close to him and I've not really ever had any respect for this man. I've always known that ah is somewhat arrogant - and he's even admitted that he dont/cant/wont swallow his pride to ask for any help, etc. so why did I not put this together before? And how in the world have I been in love with someone that is so much like his father - a man I knew to be arrogant, full of pride, and had no respect for!!!!!!! I can only believe that it was because I saw that good side of ah sometimes and it overshadowed the similarities. Or maybe because I always avoided ah's father since I didn't care for him, I never got to experience that side of him that sucks people in - cuz I'll bet you that he does that to people! Actually, with what I know of him and his wife's problems of the past, etc - (his dad was in a band, drank, had an affair, etc) - I'm betting that his Dad sucked his mom back in - just like ah has always sucked me back in. Ugh..........
Maybe what you are seeing is what I didn't know until I found myself dealing with my husband's alcoholism (my first real experience THAT I eventually KNEW OF). As it turns out, AH's father is an A from a long line of "functional" A's who look down-the nose-at "real" (what they call:"bad alcoholics") they just "like to drink". FIL said he didn't think AH was probably a "bad alcoholic" because he was never arrested for beating me or was fired (actually, not true---I just found out he was for inappropriate behavior w/ other employees smoking pot,snorting coke,???). Whatever....there is always a "reason" why any of them "have to drink" but it is always any reason but alcoholism in their minds........so be it. Those same attitudes are the problem that have evolved between me an AH (and I have to say we are in a very parallel position,SS). I have also seen them in his father; in fact they have caused a rift between the two of them for as long as I have known them (usually AH on the receiving side but now I see they are the same to each other). All this to say....he may have "learned" this from his dad, but I also think to an even greater extent, he inherited the genes of alcoholism from his dad that is probably the basis for the actions of both of them.....JMO. Not that it really even matters, but it is frustrating. There is alot of enabling going on in that whole family (the non-A, MIL is dead). Oh, btw FIL and his F were both (alcoholic/IVdrug-addicted) physicians.


Best of luck to you SS. Our situations are so very similar, except AH has basically just divorced me........still not dealing with ONE THING.........UGH!!!

(after 27 yrs! I am a 52yr old stay-at-home mom, my "baby" is in high school)

He is still-functional (?) at work and basically said he "wants to have fun".......(like that was an original idea of his!haha)

I will keep you in my prayers and I am glad you posted this. I will be anxious to see the other posts.

As you can tell, I am having a hard time "letting go" for many reasons....I did get a "new slant" on it earlier to day which seems to shift some of the personal part of it out of my heart a bit......but it tears me up what it is doing to all of us; especially our children. He just can not see it. Perhaps eventually that will be what will help him........time will tell. Losing a parent to death is hard enough (btdt) but to loose them while they are still alive is worse. JMO

(((SS))) I pray you have a sense of peace.
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Old 03-03-2006, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
There is something about him that makes me weak.
It sounds like he knows the exact spot to hit on you to drain your energy. I am having a vision of him holding a straight pin and puncturing your energy field with it. Don't let him you can protect yourself. He doesn't have a key he has a pin....
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Old 03-03-2006, 06:23 AM
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((((StandingStrong)))))

Having this realization is an important step. My AH and I actually had a discussion last night in which he wanted to play "the blame game" and he took stabs at my character that he knew would infuriate me. Surprisingly, I handled it pretty well and as Nutz said, I just sat back and thought in my mind, "you are incapable of understanding me- it's not your fault really- we're just that different." I really realized and vocalized to him last night that I don't blame him for anything at this point. It really HAS always been just "him being him." It was unnatural (codie) for me to think I and/or my love could somehow change him.

There is a point when you just know that it is over. You are no longer willing to bend over backwards to have a semi-peaceful existance with him. You are too far along in your own recovery and finally seeing things clearly. He feels like "he's just having fun" and does not need any sort of help. It simply will not work.

I wish you the best and please stay strong when dealing with him face to face. Remember that your main focus is you and that you deserve it. Know that you have an entire support group of people here that understand you and are praying for your well-being.
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Old 03-03-2006, 11:24 AM
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Each & everytime I read a post on this site it touches my heart, I feel it is all so similar. It is. Your story seems so close to home because I am also separated from my AH and have met someone else who is so good to me and my children yet I still didn't know what to do. I was afraid of doing the wrong thing for my children and I wanted to remember the good times with my AH. I only want one wedding album. All of those traditional, old fashioned memories. That's what I always dreamed, that's what I wanted to make happen even if I had to do all the work. But only very recently with help of this site and all of your love, support & prayers have I realized that I deserve love & happiness with someone who wants to give it to me and my AH can't he is not able to love me until he loves himself enough to accept help.
My prayers & thoughts are with you~ each of you!
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Old 03-03-2006, 11:34 AM
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Dear SS,

I can certainly relate to the reality checks you are going through. My own drama has forced me to deal with reality, both my issues and the inability of my Ah to confront problems in his life. I am trying to deal with what I can (my issues) and let go of what I cannot control (his issues). It is hard. I go to counseling every day. My counselor just suggested jounraling and I think I will start today.

You are in my prayers.
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