Leena

My husband just totalled a second vehicle in 4 years. He's an alcoholic but will not admit to it.

Continually drinks after work and drives home. He has 4 DUI's on his record (over 15 years ago). With all the drinking and driving he does now, he should have more, but doesn't get caught.

What steps do I take to get control on my end. I'm tired of going on about life as if nothing is wrong. Most of my friends do not know this is even happening. I always act like everything is fine.

Our kids (13 & 11) love him. Our son gets so mad when he's drunk and asks me why does Dad have to drink so much. My daughter just loves him and never says anything about it.

I haven't been able to talk to him since this last accident. I am so angry I will only say ugly things and make threats I know I will not follow through on.

I know I should go to Al-Anon group discussions, but haven't.

He will stop drinking for a while, but I know this will continue once the anger in me subsides and things go back to the way they were.

goffredo

Leena

don't get into the car with him and do not let him drive the children around when he's drunk.

You know what else you should do... detach and as you say, go to Alanon.

You are angry and resentful now. If you can find a moment when you're calm and he's not drunk, just tell him you think it's very dangerous, for him and above all for others when he drives under the influence. Say he could injure a child,just like his own children, just crossing the road. You'll feel better for saying so, but only say it without expecting a reaction/action or wanting to argue. Just say how you feel and let go of the consequences. No shouting, no hurting.

Love Jo

best

Al anon and read the sticky posts here. They are the posts that say sticky beside them at the top of the page.

You need to set boundaries and stick to them. threats and words said that won't be followed through with do nothing.
Boundaries are set so you can gain some peace in your space, not to change him.
For now, he walks or do you have a second car? Alcohol and insurance don't go well together. They can refuse payment.

Leena

Thanks......I would never allow the kids or myself to drive with him after he's been drinking. Never!

It's so awful how the alcoholism doesn't allow him to see what harm he is doing to family, himself, possibly others? I just want to smack him!

I'll look into Al-Anon. What have I got to lose in doing so?

ASpouse

I hate to be the downer here, but this is only the beginning. Things will get worse, much much much worse.

Go to Al Anon ...... I feel sorry for your kids in this entire mess, the children suffer the worse and the ones that say nothing, well they suffer the deepest! Get your kids into alateen and speak to their school counsellors and ask for help for them at school also from the Child Study folks. GET THOSE KIDS HELP!

Leena

Thanks. I will look into Alateen also.

BigSis

(((Leena)))

I agree with the above - Alanon is a good place to start.

Was your husband charged with DUI? If so, did his license get pulled?

megamysterioso

Welcome and there are lots of great people here with much experience and wisdom. Get to Al-Anon if you can and keep reading and posting here. It will get worse before it gets better just as ASpouse said. It is the sad truth. He has to want to get sober for himself (not for you, not for the kids, but ALL for him). Who knows if that day will ever come? Until then, you have to set your boundaries and decide whether or not this is something you are willing to deal with for the rest of your life.

Leena

No he didn't get a DUI because he drove the vehicle home without any police being called. He said he hit some trees.

When my son was 8 mons old he had just been charged with a DUI and I said I was going to leave. He begged me not to and he did quit for 5 years. I do have to say those were the best five years of my life. I totally trusted he would not drink. He even went to his brother's bachelor party and came home sober!

Because of his 3 DUI's from years ago he had to go to AA meetings. He admitted at that time to them and to me that he was an alcoholic, but as soon as he was free from having to go to the meetings he stopped. He said he would drink to get drunk.

After every episode in which something bad happens, he is sorry and says it won't happen again.

About a month ago he was so drunk he got up in the middle of the night and peed on the carpeted floor of our bedroom. He was so humiliated at what he had done, but the next night he was at home drinking to the point of slurring.

I've allowed this to go on for so long now. I want to talk to my friends about it, but is that the right thing to do?

Leena

Now I sit here without a vehicle and have to work something out to rent one because he took mine to work and I work from home. When my friends ask what happened to the truck, what do I say? Hide the truth again? The insurance company also just called and I gave them his cell phone number. What if they ask me questions about the accident. It is so easy for him to lie. I cannot stand being deceitful.

megamysterioso

It is always good to have support wherever you can get it. If I didn't have friends to talk to and ESPECIALLY this SR site, I would have gone white padded room by now.

You may want to go to the Nar-Anon forum and read a post which was posted yesterday called "Vicious Cycle." It was very helpful to me.

megamysterioso

Don't lie for him. Let him face the consequences of his own actions head on. This is part of YOUR recovery.

denny57

I agree with ASpouse here, things will probably get much worse before they get better. So it's best to start taking care of yourself and your children. I highly recommend Al-Anon. Learn all you can about alcoholism. Good luck.

ICU

You did all you need to do re: the insurance co. If they have any questions, just tell them to contact your H directly!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Welcome and check out my post regarding REPLY to AYERS I know what you are talking about. DUI's and driving drunk. Call a taxi. Makes me disgusted that I would put myself into this situation. Welcome

Leena

I see an Al-Anon meeting in my town and I am going to go to it. I am so thankful to God, because without him I could not get through all of this.

I feel somewhat better just being able to vent here. Thanks

LaTeeDa

So he totalled his vehicle and now he gets to drive yours and you have to do without?

My suggestion is to get yourself a copy of "CoDependent No More" ASAP.

Then, after you read it, read it again. You are saving him from the consequences of his behavior, and therefore, he has no reason to even examine it, much less change it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the only person you have control over is you. And right now, you are helping him to be the way he is.

L

Leena

Now he just called from his cell phone to say he was sorry. Things will change. I have to wait and see for myself. I've heard this before and yet we've gotten to the point of another car accident. I asked him if he intends to never drink again and he said, "Is that what you want?" Boy am I in for a long haul. He refuses to go to counseling for help because he can quit on his own.

I know, this sounds just like the others in all the posts I've read.

I will check out the book CoDependent No More and read it over and over.

Thanks

L

minnie

Welcome to SR, Leena.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. You've said quite a few times about the patterns - and I am particularly concerned because these are patterns of drinking and driving and car accidents. Is there any reason this pattern is going to change?

As for you and the kids - I agree with getting help for you all. Not only that, I would go so far as to say don't let your husband drive you or the kids, period. You have no idea when he is over the limit, even from the night before. And for goodness sake, why are you without YOUR car? Heck, he would not be allowed to drive it anywhere if it was mine, never mind going off and leaving me stranded. Let him deal with how he'll get to work - it's not your problem. You said Well, of course not. Because the consequences aren't directly affecting his life at the moment. Perhaps a few days of walking to work might shed a bit of light.

Right, rant over. I feel very strongly about drinking and driving, as you can perhaps tell.

Cynay

I have to agree with the others... your enabling him to live the lifestyle he is choosing to live.

Dont take me wrong, you cant control him, cure him and you certainly did not cause this, but letting him take your car and putting you in the position to find transportation .... Nope ... that is just wrong.

Let him take the consequences, you did not have an accident, therefore you cant talk to the insurance company cuz you were not there.... Maybe you need your own insurance if it gets too high and if he is not on it, he should not be driving your car... see what I mean?