IrshIzNotSmilin

Ayers you say "I just haven't been able to get past the codependant thinking" let me tell you it is a hard thing to do it is the hardest because we are cognitively programmed for it and the only way to change the thinking is to change our behaviors and reactions. That requires recognition of what we are doing. I hate that. I need to analyze and think ok this is what I am doing now STOP and change your thinking.... ugh and it is so hard to do. Please this is the process you need to go through and you can't be so hard on yourself when you are just realizing it. This thread you posted is at my heart,it is so what is happening in my life now and I hate it. I also chose it I chose to leave a good marriage and go to it. My old codependancy reared its ugly head and I fell for it again. OHHHH bad move. Now I live with it until I see what happens and this is just a long reply with alot of feelings and emotions. I want to thank all of you for this forum because it is a god send. It is what is keeping and has kept me over the past few weeks from going over the edge. I hear all of the pain and I see it happening in my house. KmagK, hi, and welcome. Stay legally separated for now if you feel divorce is not right for you right now or whatever works out for you but some thoughts here and more replies from me. Anyway, My counsellor said the same thing that LATEEDA said to you and I mean word for word. LaTeeDa you are right on with my counsellor and what you say is how to practice boundaries and is how to detach with love ala Melody Beattie. I read her books 20 years ago and they are so right. LaTeeDa that was so good to read especially with what my counsellor just saying that a month ago. KmagK Listen to your words,"I told him that is why we were separated (boundaries) for a year before filing (boundary) for divorce and that was his time to prove to us that he would get help (I wish I knew to do that without a counsellor telling me that is how weak my boundaries are) LaTeeDa stated"prove it" "Actionsnot words"and all of everything she said was awesome. She is right and I realized after my therapy sessions and reading here that I can do that too. I will not for me wait a year though. I can't. I am too old. I want to be calm and safe and happy. Not on eggshells. Mega "whew" you put it so concisely how I feel is what you stated. I have much pain and sadness that I am greiving through and I feel the same. You said" Good relationships must have trust and without it there can be no love in my opinion" For years I have said To trust is to love that Love is trust. You said " It is amazing how the simplest things in life ( all of your examples) can become stressful when accompanied by an A. I personally hate now going to the movies or to dinner because of the drinking. He goes to movies with me and falls asleep and then says later "we didn't see that movie lets go to it" I say "yes we did" duh. I find it to be a big snore to me too. I have told him what I will accept and what i do expect. This has been this past month since the bad super bowl (see old post Let Me Tell You a STory) there have been others too of course. I have told him very seriously and finally without anger in my voice that I will not live like this so there needs to be a modification(which I can tell you he can't do forever) I know that he can't he is older and set in his ways too and sees no problem so it is really moot. For now he is trying to see it my way but he has anger underneath about it and gets spiteful with his words and we had that happen the other evening when we went out. He made a comment sarcastically "I can do things right even if everyone (me) thinks I am wrong all of the time" I went to the bathroom (we were with my stepchildren) and I said I don't like your tone of sarcasm and I do not like that kind of behavior and words directed at me it is mean and cruel. I do not wish to have that in our relationship so I am telling you now. I digress but I told him I do not want a relationship where I am alone, where I don't feel that I can trust that everything will be ok, where I feel unsafe (not physically but emotionally) I do not want to be in social situations with a bunch of A's (his family) without any good healthy communication,where everyone slurs and drops over my shoulder like a cape and they are all loud and obnoxious. They get so politically incorrect in public and i am so ashamed and embarrassed and I shouldn't be I should not be there. I should stop shoulding on myself. I said calmly and firmly and I think he did believe me but whatever, I said" if I am in a situation in the future where I am uncomfortable and you do not wish to leave with me I am leaving." I have logged about 10 taxi companies into my cell, and places to stay. I have phone numbers to cover all of NJ and NY. I am prepared to a point and need to now have backup luggage packed. I said I may also leave for the nite if you come home and are drunk and disorderly and annoying. I will go to a hotel for the night until you are sober. If yougo to the city with your buddies and drink do not drive drunk as he always does stay there I do not want to hear your drunken snoring or annoying behaviors and I do not want you driving while intoxicated. A**. He knows this is true for two reasons I said it firmly and calmly and did not rage. I also stayed out all night once when he was in a rage had been drinking and chased me in his car but I lost him and stayed at a hotel. If it gets to a place where nothing has changed (which I do not expect) then I have arranged to stay with a girlfriend close by my job for 2 mths and get an apt. I will need help and someone I know will help me. Luckily. I will divorce you I told him. If he refuses to go to AA and if there is no sponser telling me he is serious I will not be back. I won't wait that long either. Now he has modified his drinking and sends the flowers and texts blah blah as you all stated I really feel he can't change. I have now accepted just this past sunday at church, the death of my dream. I raged on about that in a thread posted Dammit. You can check that out too. I am telling you at church I just prayed to Mary and Jesus and said "I Let Go and Let God Now" it is out of my hands to this point. God will lead and show me the rest. It is all to hard and big for me. I have made an active (REALLY HARD) effort to change the feelings and thoughts that come up in me on a day to day.I need to try and then see where it all goes. I am glad I do not have children either because i think that is devastating for them. I can't concieve for two years I tried to get pregnant and i was so distraught and we went to IVF preliminary not the actual trial. Then I saw him and the drinking and told him now no. No children. I am not going. I will not bring a child knowingly into this world with you. I wanted that so much and I am upset but it is ok because obviously god has not wanted me to become pregnant therefore the answer is there. God is now in the driver's seat. You knowthe country song 'Jesus Take The Wheel' well that is it and this morning I heard Tracy Chapmans new release I think called "Change" or something with that wow that was right on. For them. Not us.. KmagK, Mega, Ayers I hate crying and being curled up in bed afraid to move paralyzed with emotions that I am unable to bear because the happy occasions turned into a bomb. I hate it. Thanks for letting me make such a long post. I think you girls are awesome.

megamysterioso

You are awesome too and post away Irsh! That's why we're here- to listen, relate and help in any way we possibly can. Just the sharing at SR is what inspires me. All of our stories are virtually the same. Addiction is a monster.

I had to respond to this. Isn't it funny how the A is always the victim? "Everyone misjudges me, no one ever gives me a chance, everyone underestimates me" blah, blah. This is the grip of the addiction talking for sure- making light of such a serious situation. Here's my own story relating to this...

AH has all kinds of health probs and he's only 30 for crying out loud. A few months ago, he got blood tests back which indicated "liver function abnormal" and "pancreatic enzymes abnormal." These were SERIOUS results to me. A few days after getting back the test results, my AH starts having severe upper abdominal pain that last for about 1 day and 1/2. I read about acute pancreatitis online and found that this is basically an "alcoholic's disease" and all the symptoms were DEAD ON. We saw the doc and she recommended AH to have an ultrasound. She thought it could be signs of pancreatitis as well. For about 3 days (during the pain, the doc's visit, the ultrasound), AH did NOT drink a drop. He goes to get the ultrasound and then comes out all smiles! He said, "oh yeah, that technician in there was really cool. She flat out told me that it looked like nothing was wrong, but she wasn't supposed to tell me that." He then said, "Yeah, I told her that I personally think that all of this is just some PLOY to get me to stop drinking!" He said they just laughed and laughed. I kept my cool although I was fuming on the inside. I said, "I think you need to wait and hear the doc's opinion." He then proceeded to ask me if they serve beer at the restaurant we were head to!!! I told him we would not go if he drank and he decided not to drink until he got the OK from the doc. Of course, the ultrasound turned out fine!!!

I wanted there to be something wrong with him (manageable of course) so maybe he would "see the light." I was ticked that "once again he got away unscathed." My point I guess is, when is "rock bottom" for some folks????? When do they stop making light of it? I guess everyone is truly different and how do you know if your AH simply has no bottom? Let me tell you that my AH has OD' ed on cocaine and almost died, almost died in a car wreck, has these health issues, lost a home, lost a former fiance, had a gun held to his face and recently went into the hospital for alcohol poisoning!!!! Will he EVER see that light? You can read "Seeing Red" to find out about his latest shananigans.

Even if they do hit bottom... How are you EVER supposed to feel comfortable planning your future with someone who is likely to relapse at any given time? The uncertainty of it all, the vicious cycle that will truly NEVER end (b/c most people do relapse from what I've gathered). It is either: 1. Get out and live a peaceful and happy life with some degree of predictability or 2. TRULY learn to live with and love your A for the rest of your life-- through all the chaos and uncertainty. I cannot do it. Gambling with my life is scarey as Hell!!! If I stay, I KNOW I will be 50 with the same problems. I can see "my future" every time I go to FIL's house. He's a raging A and I cannot deal, but I know that is what I have to look forward to if I stay with my AH. Like you Irsh, I don't think he is capable of changing at this point. Even if he did, the damage is done.

Sorry for venting and the long post, but my sick codie mind seems to need this validation for me seeing an attorney on Friday. I need to see my own common sense in writing and express to all of you who will understand.

I'm with you Irsh. I feel you and I understand. God bless you and you deserve a better life too!

IrshIzNotSmilin

Mega oh mega I know this I know this just once could they have a little something to change their ways or thinking . My AH had a DUI and got a tricky attorney who (I found out) uses the same defense each and every time. 'The calibration on the machine is poor and cannot validate the results correctly' defense. He got it chopped to reckless driving and lost license for 50 days. No biggie he works from home. Ha. We have a pub in our house he had it customed built way before I came along. It looks like your in Ireland. I love Ireland and pubs are ok but outside of Ireland looks better than inside of ireland Hahaha. Anyway his son got a DUI too and now same lawyer and same defense. ha.

megamysterioso

Dang lawyers! Yes, it is amazing how much they continue to endure- just like we continue to endure. Slipping out of situations that could have/should have been life-altering!! So long as they can rationalize the consequences as "easy," they continue and revert right back to what they do best!

My AH is in no way "off the hook" by that ultrasound. There is still an underlying problem with his liver and pancreas that was proven in his blood tests, but he has managed to dismiss this completely b/c he is not currently in physical pain. If there is no pain (whatever their particular definition of that is), the problem does not exist at all in the eyes of the A.

God Irsh--- if I had a pub in my home... LOL-- he has everything he needs right at home!! Who needs to drive hey?

IrshIzNotSmilin

LOL it is a hoot ... Pub in the house. and he is a snob too. He drinks and then passes it off like a wine (spelling) conossuer? anyway. He will only drink Guinness, Stella, Blah blah blah it has to be made by monks or something. LOL . Oh and in a rum and coke did you know that THE BEST is MOUNT GAY RUM it makes you gay alright especially when you drink 5 in a row like water and he barely gets a buzz because he is so pickled he is like a marathon drinker he has been training for years. LOL I am on a kick today boy... anyway yeah in the house. He hasn't gotten a new keg lately though because he is on his best drinking behavior and watching watching I know it is killing him. Ha. I really don't care because I know I just know he can't keep it up.

IrshIzNotSmilin

I just got a gichigoo text from him and that is a quote. LOL

megamysterioso

LMAO at your post . I like the "pickled" term you used. LOL... like he's just stewing in his own juices... YUCK! Not making light of our situations, but sometimes you just have to get RAW about it and laugh to keep from crying, ya know? Thank God mine is not a snob about it!! His poison is good ole' Bud and most recently Icehouse b/c of the higher alcohol content. Really converted to this since the "cutting down" effort... LOL . Cowinkidink? NOT. Then I think, man he must think I'm an idiot! Maybe ours could start their own charity run??

"Drinking for 'Love'"
"Power Drinkers Run Against Rehab"

Oh, I don't know. My imagination is truly shot LOL. It's all just really lame, isn't it?

Ayers1995

Yes, My AH had his blood work done 2 years ago. They told him that his liver enzyme count was messed up, his blood sugar lever and a few other things. Set him up to go to a specialist and he never went. Hasn't even consulted our family prac about it anymore. Once we went in together and she told him outright that he needed to quit, he was going to die. He didn't talk to me for 2 days for telling her that he drinks.

I'm still pondering on the other info in your posts....great posts.. lots to take in.

megamysterioso

Yes Ayers. I just don't understand how hard of a slap some As need to at least ATTEMPT to get clean. It is perplexing. His doc told him to "stop" as well. Said she would help him...

Ayers1995

Me either. He has made it 9 days so far w/o drinking. But truly, that is something for him, b/c at this point... as I've posted, I am not feeling anything for saving the marriage. SAD. Very....

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hey Mega I have a hard time getting on the computer at night kids etc. Step kid. Anyway, LOL on the charity run oh I think those are very creative. I especially like 'Power Drinkers Run Against Rehab' hahahahahah. I love that. Anyway, I spend some time at work on these forums so need to go to work soon but, got to tell you how good it is to just let it all out. I am seeing him struggle right now he has cut down dramatically. Not drinking during the week except a couple this week but just like one or two. The Merry Month of March will be telling for sure. He has a big drink fest business man event on the 10th and on the 18th big family St Pat's thing and 21st is his birthday. Soooooooooooo I knoooooow he isn't going to keep it up. I am ready taxi list, hotel list, bag will be packed, and working on one place to stay with friend and a back up. Thank god I have single friends. I am going to go crazy with this though and I do not like the feeling that I have to leave my home but I am not going to go through another bad episode with him. He won't get help and I know he will never see he is an A. He can talk a good game but he never backs it up. I got very sad about it yesterday and just felt sad like how can you ruin a good thing a thing that could be really good. He really I see the struggle in his face the strain not drinking and I also know he knows I will go and I know he is struggling and I feel badly and not badly. Is that goood????

megamysterioso

Hey Irsh. Yes, it's been a little harder for me to get on here today b/c I've had the flu for a couple of days and had a lot of work to catch up on. Man-- March is going to be some month for you. I'm glad that you have made all of your preparations though. That is smart and they more than likely will come in handy.

I think it's very natural to have conflicting feelings almost ALL THE TIME (lol) with an A. You hate to see him struggle and stress and probably even feel sorry for him that alcoholism causes this struggle and stress and he cannot see it. Or maybe you know that he does see it, but just cannot face it. You also don't feel too bad b/c you understand that essentially, "he is doing this to himself." You are also probably somewhat anxious about leaving. You want him to have to face the consequences of his actions head on. You are eager to see how he will face it, if he will, what effect it will have on him and your relationship with him.

It is just REALLY sad isn't it? I mean really-- I used to have such hopes and dreams for my marriage. I was obviously going about things all wrong since I now know I'm a codie, but MAN! There was once a time that I really, really cared and really loved. I would have moved mountains for my man. If I would've gotten the same kind of loving commitment back AT THE TIME, we would not be on the brink of divorce.

God bless us both!

IrshIzNotSmilin

:HOPatrick Yeah Merry month of march. Aside from that I really hope you feel better soon this flu is really grabbing everyone. Feel better soon sending you healing energy By the way how do yu do that quote thing? You put it so succintly I wish I could do that but you say it every time. The whole entire second paragraph is exactly how I feel..It is sooooooo really sad and lately I feel the sadness and know that it is his issue but overall the sadness is getting me and I have anxiety over it all!!!!

megamysterioso

Thank you for the well wishes Irsh. I don't know about the "quote thing." LOL... I guess I just think back to the way I've felt or viewed things. I imagine the questions you must be asking yourself and the answers you're giving yourself back. It's natural for us to feel/think this way- unfortunately. Take care tonight and don't let this sadness crush you. We WILL overcome!

kmagk

Hi girls, I actually miss you all & this board. I haven't been able to get on lately. I have 3 children; 18mths, 3 years old & 8 years old. Just about all of my time is theirs so what can I do. I am so overwhelmed lately. My AH has been sober for a bit now, not sure how long. I don't even seem to care, just waiting for the phone call that tells me it (his sobriety) ended. I feel bad for not being more hopeful in his sobriety, but I have lost all hope and I don't really care. How sad is that ? I just don't even miss him anymore. He got out of rehab and 1 hypnotism session and his sister let him move back in with her. She said she needed him to paint her house and make some repairs, so she would give him one more chance in order for him to help her. His old boss gave him his job back, knowing that he doesn't have a license, my AH is an automotive technician and a very good one at that. (speaking of DUI's he has 3 convictions, & 2 or 3 not guiltys) Unfortunately at times, he knows how good of a mechanic he is and uses it to his advantage, in the last year he has lost his job at least 8 times. He makes good money too, when he works. At one point he was making over 1,000$ a week and living in a shelter because no one else would take him in. His sister has kicked him out and let him back at least 4 times. He is such a good person when he is sober that we all feel for him. When he is sober it's easy to see the alcoholism as a disease, but it usually doesnt last long. It just seems it never will.....
I have moved on in my personal life, we have been legally separated for 14mths now and The new guy I am seeing, I know it seems to early to be seeing anyone, but it just happened. In fact I met him at the hospital on one of my AH's trips and he stayed their all night comforting me and making me laugh. From there our friendship grew. Anyways, he treats me & the children lilke royalty. He helps me and we have so much fun, I feel like he has given us life. So why would I go backwards, I was feeling like my kids deserve me to make it work, to give their dad another chance. In reality I think my kids deserve us to live a happy, healthy, safe, sane life. Or am I just trying to see the good in all of my jacked up decisions....

megamysterioso

Hi K. Your kids do deserve a happy, healthy and sane life and so do you. It is impossible to have one while living with an addict period! You just never know what to expect from day to day. It is truly a chaotic and uneasy way to live. So, no I would not go backwards.

I don't blame you for no longer trusting him. You've been let down many times before so why should this time be any different? I understand. I hope for him and the sake of your peace of mind that he does stay sober. If he can remain sober then your children can still have a very happy and healthy relationship with him. It does not necessarily mean that you have to go back to him, but you won't have to worry about your kids with him as much.

I think you are doing fine right where you are. Do not feel guilty about a thing. He may surprise you this time or he may not. You don't have to live with this uncertainty in your home anymore and feel GOOD about that.

kmagk

[ You don't have to live with this uncertainty in your home anymore and feel GOOD about that.

I finally do feel good about that Mega and your words & support have meant a great deal to me, thank you and God bless you!