I'm so proud of Steve, but still "scared"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Tacoma, Washington
Posts: 3
I'm so proud of Steve, but still "scared"
Quick backstory, I promise.
I am a lesbian. My lover and I have been going out for over 2 years now, and are as much in love now as ever. Her father was an alcholic. I pray the word was stays in that sentance for the rest of his life.
Back in August of 05 I moved from my home in WA to her house with her father in CA. I had no family, no support, and no job. It was a leap of faith decided by the pain of distance and her fathers recent attempts at becomeing a sober man. All three of us felt that a stronger "family" in his home would give better reason to remain sober. Over the phone we got along wonderfully, often having long debates over a wide range of subjects. When I arrived he fell of the wagon hard. I personally think he shot the horses, tipped the carriage, and burned the evidence. But we'll stick with "falling" (sorry, my sence of humor is awful)
He drank so often and so much, that his own mother, whom is also an alcholic, didn't want him in her home. So he wasn't allowed to stay in LA with them(his mother and grandmother lived together), and had to live full time with us as of December. his arrangment lasted 2 days. In that time he assualted us, destroyed my property, smacked his daughter against a wall, and tried to pull the gas line out of the wall and blow the house with all of us in it up.
We called the police and the second time he was taken to the mental hospital for observation.
He's been sober now for 2 months, and is boastful of this accomplishment. But his mother still drinks. His "friends" drink among other things. His life seems to be set up for him to drink if he wanted to. Now his grandmother is ill, the sevarity is largely unknown to me, and I'm scared that this addedd pressure will drive him over the edge once again.
I want to visit Cali some day soon, I want to meet with him again and call him dad without sarcasim or venom in my tone. I want us to move on as a family. But I won't be able to if alchol is a part of his life.
My lover will always be her fathers dauhter, and i can't ask her to never see him again. I also can't ask her to go it alone with him. I'm afraid that this crossroads will tear us apart.
But it's all a series of ifs.
If he drinks.
If she allows him in her life. In our life.
The word "if" is the most frightening word in existance to me.
I am a lesbian. My lover and I have been going out for over 2 years now, and are as much in love now as ever. Her father was an alcholic. I pray the word was stays in that sentance for the rest of his life.
Back in August of 05 I moved from my home in WA to her house with her father in CA. I had no family, no support, and no job. It was a leap of faith decided by the pain of distance and her fathers recent attempts at becomeing a sober man. All three of us felt that a stronger "family" in his home would give better reason to remain sober. Over the phone we got along wonderfully, often having long debates over a wide range of subjects. When I arrived he fell of the wagon hard. I personally think he shot the horses, tipped the carriage, and burned the evidence. But we'll stick with "falling" (sorry, my sence of humor is awful)
He drank so often and so much, that his own mother, whom is also an alcholic, didn't want him in her home. So he wasn't allowed to stay in LA with them(his mother and grandmother lived together), and had to live full time with us as of December. his arrangment lasted 2 days. In that time he assualted us, destroyed my property, smacked his daughter against a wall, and tried to pull the gas line out of the wall and blow the house with all of us in it up.
We called the police and the second time he was taken to the mental hospital for observation.
He's been sober now for 2 months, and is boastful of this accomplishment. But his mother still drinks. His "friends" drink among other things. His life seems to be set up for him to drink if he wanted to. Now his grandmother is ill, the sevarity is largely unknown to me, and I'm scared that this addedd pressure will drive him over the edge once again.
I want to visit Cali some day soon, I want to meet with him again and call him dad without sarcasim or venom in my tone. I want us to move on as a family. But I won't be able to if alchol is a part of his life.
My lover will always be her fathers dauhter, and i can't ask her to never see him again. I also can't ask her to go it alone with him. I'm afraid that this crossroads will tear us apart.
But it's all a series of ifs.
If he drinks.
If she allows him in her life. In our life.
The word "if" is the most frightening word in existance to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
The "if" game will drive you crazy. It's one that I think is better if not played.
The father is responsible for himself. And I'm sure you realize that no one else is going to change him. On that note - "if" he were to relapse or start acting in old patterns, I see it that you have a choice to accept or not accept - period.
Just as your girlfriend has the choice how far she is willing to allow her father's behaviour to affect her life.
I would suggest highly that your girlfriend educate herself about alcoholism. Join alanon! You can be there to support her through her fears, feelings, etc. but it is up to her to deal with the outcome of their relationship in my opinion. If you choose not to have this man in your life, then you don't have too. Each of you (you, girlfriend, and father) all have choices to make in this situation.
As well as attending Alanon, I believe that it would be in the best interest of the relationship for you to sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell her how you feel honestly. Explain to her what your boundaries are (what is acceptable and not acceptable) and decide together just how to handle a possible relapse and whatnot. This way there is a plan, so to speak, and you will have this united front before you may find yourself in a situation that you have not planned for.
As much as it may hurt you to see her hurting - you have to realize that the relationship that they have together is just that - between them. I hope that she will attend Alanon as I think that she's probably lived with her father being this way for quite some time and needs the support of other people that truly know what she is going through.
Just my thoughts. Not sure if I helped you any as I really have no personal experience with a significant other's family members illness affecting me in such a way. So take what you like and leave the rest.
The father is responsible for himself. And I'm sure you realize that no one else is going to change him. On that note - "if" he were to relapse or start acting in old patterns, I see it that you have a choice to accept or not accept - period.
Just as your girlfriend has the choice how far she is willing to allow her father's behaviour to affect her life.
I would suggest highly that your girlfriend educate herself about alcoholism. Join alanon! You can be there to support her through her fears, feelings, etc. but it is up to her to deal with the outcome of their relationship in my opinion. If you choose not to have this man in your life, then you don't have too. Each of you (you, girlfriend, and father) all have choices to make in this situation.
As well as attending Alanon, I believe that it would be in the best interest of the relationship for you to sit down with her and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell her how you feel honestly. Explain to her what your boundaries are (what is acceptable and not acceptable) and decide together just how to handle a possible relapse and whatnot. This way there is a plan, so to speak, and you will have this united front before you may find yourself in a situation that you have not planned for.
As much as it may hurt you to see her hurting - you have to realize that the relationship that they have together is just that - between them. I hope that she will attend Alanon as I think that she's probably lived with her father being this way for quite some time and needs the support of other people that truly know what she is going through.
Just my thoughts. Not sure if I helped you any as I really have no personal experience with a significant other's family members illness affecting me in such a way. So take what you like and leave the rest.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Welcome, My mom & her partner live in Bainbridge Island, I love that area. Well, anyway I can suggest that your girlfriend try to find a meeting, some focus on adult children of Alcoholics. In an area as large as Tacoma I am sure there are plenty of meeting options and u can attend also. You should both go to the library and get some books - Melody Beattie is real popular around here but there are many others. Keep coming back!
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