elizabeth1979

This is my newest question for myself. I was surfing around and found quite the plethora of info about Love Addiction, which Im just starting to learn about. It appears, I am a Codependent Love Addict.

Im going to the book store later this evening, to get some clarification, but in the meantime, if anyone has any info to share, I would love to hear it. My findings led me to believe that Codependence and Love Addiction can happen simutaneously, but are NOT the same. Or is this just a new spin on the old Codependence thing?

<SMALL>Im going to the book store later this evening, to get some clarification, but in the meantime, if anyone has any info to share, I would love to hear it. My findings led me to believe that Codependence and Love Addiction can happen simutaneously, but are NOT the same. Although, I am not real solid on that at this point!</SMALL>
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<SMALL>This is what I found at http://intotem.buffnet.net/mhw/32sp.html</SMALL>
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<SMALL></SMALL><SMALL>Love addiction is an unhealthy attachment (conscious or unconscious) to either a person, relationship or romance. Here are some examples:</SMALL>
<SMALL>(1) Obsessed love addicts experience attachment by way of secret fantasies (unrequited love) or what I call a hyper-involvement with another person — excessive thoughts, phone calls, or requests to get together starting early in the relationship. The underlying motivation for this attachment is infatuation or love, but unfortunately it is a toxic form of love stemming from neediness and low self-esteem.</SMALL>

<SMALL>(2) Relationship addicts cling to the notion of connectedness with someone in order to avoid loneliness or the feeling of being unlovable which they associate with being single. Relationship addicts may hook up with someone they don’t even like, much less love, just to be in a relationship. Once in a relationship, these love addicts hold on for dear life even if it means suffering loneliness within the relationship. Sometimes relationship addicts even accept abuse rather than let go. </SMALL>

<SMALL>(3) Romance addicts are in love with romance, i.e., euphoria, intimate rendezvous, passionate sex, erotic fantasies, etc. They do not obsess over one person except for short intervals. To romance addicts the objects of their affection are interchangeable. Anyone they are attracted to is the person they want to be with — the more partners the better. Romance addicts are high on the chemistry of love, wherever they find it, and they move on as soon as the romance wanes. </SMALL>

<SMALL>(4) Codependent love addicts are people who have an overwhelming need to take care of someone else no matter what the price. These love addicts are so sensitive to the caretaking compulsion that they even try to protect their partners from any negative feelings normal to the human experience — feelings such as sadness, disappointment or anger. Codependents try to protect their partners from such feelings by making extraordinary sacrifices. For instance, codependent love addicts will give their partner money earmarked for the rent in order to prevent them from experiencing the disappointment of not getting what they want. Or they will defer to their partners even when they disagree just so their mate will not have to experience anger. Codependents are trying to protect their own feelings as well. Most codependent behavior is geared toward reducing the anxiety codependents feel when their partners are not happy. (An unhappy partner might leave.)</SMALL>

<SMALL>(5) Narcissistic love addicts are self-centered, controlling, possessive, demanding and even have illusions of grandeur or the feeling that they are perfect — without human flaws. On the outside these love addicts appear distant and detached. They may even have affairs with other people. But don’t be fooled. Narcissistic love addicts are still addicted to their partners. It is just that their obsession only manifests itself when the person they are attached to cannot be controlled and/or considers ending the relationship. </SMALL>

<SMALL>It is the narcissistic and codependent love addicts who run hot and cold. Let me give you an example. Nancy and James met at a bar and were instantly attracted to one another. Within days Nancy (the codependent) had fallen madly in love with James (the narcissist). From the beginning she was helpful, nurturing, attentive and went out of her way to make him happy. James, on the other hand, appeared to be able to take or leave the relationship. He canceled dates, neglected to return phone calls, saw other women, became very domineering and for the most part seemed aloof and detached. Still, six months later Nancy married James because she was in love with him and secretly hoped that he would change.</SMALL>

<SMALL>After Nancy and James were married, the pattern of neglect continued, especially his affairs with other women. When Nancy objected, James bullied her until she stopped nagging him about it. This went on for years. Nancy tried to save her marriage by placating James in every way she could think of, but he continued to do what he wanted. Eventually Nancy stopped loving James and thought about leaving him, but she just couldn’t bring herself to face the loneliness of being single again. This was better than nothing, she thought. So she continued her codependent behavior — always trying to keep James happy and comfortable even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness in the process.</SMALL>

<SMALL>Eventually Nancy sought counseling and within a year she felt strong enough to leave James. He had other ideas. The first time Nancy brought up the subject of divorce he laughed at her. Then he threatened her verbally. The day she presented him with divorce papers he beat her so badly she had to go to the hospital. It seems that despite his lack of love and respect for Nancy, James was addicted to her and the relationship they shared. He also felt that if he couldn’t have her, nobody else should. When Nancy finally left, James stalked her for months and threatened to kill her if she didn’t come back. The roles were now reversed. James was running hot and Nancy was running cold.</SMALL>

<SMALL>In the case of James and Nancy, James eventually let go and stopped harassing Nancy. However, you only have to read the newspapers to realize that such a lethal combination of codependency and narcissism can lead to homicide. From the narcissist’s point of view, a codependent has no right to change and start caring about his or her own well-being. And narcissists will go to almost any length to keep from feeling their own sense of abandonment when their partner has had enough. This is what codependent love addicts and narcissistic love addicts have in common. Separation anxiety must be avoided at all cost. The pain of an unhappy relationship is better than the feeling of emptiness which creeps in when there is no one to love or be with. </SMALL>

<SMALL>Both hot and cold love addicts need to face their addictions and the underlying personality disorders that go with it. Recovery means facing the truth, implementing changes in behavior, seeking counseling to deal with issues left over from childhood and in the case of the codependent love addict, making a concerted effort to raise self-esteem. For further information about recovery I refer you to my book: Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships.</SMALL>

minnie

Blimey, hon. I have to ask why you feel the need to stick such a precise label on yourself? I see some traits that I used to have in there and I certainly see some of R's behaviour listed.

I tend to think that most dysfunctional behaviour comes from not recognising ones own worth as a person and a lack of "centred-ness", if you like. And focussing on the problem, not the solution will only make one a more widely-read person with low self-worth.

So, what have you done today to see the good in you?

elizabeth1979

Well, I was thinking about relationships in the past, before D, and was in an attempt to make certain I am addressing all of my issues, I came across this.
I completely agree with you about focusing on the problem rather than solutions, although I had a bit of an AHA moment when I read that.

I did spend alot of time today going through some old accounts at work and did see that I am doing quite a good job and in fact, have some money owed to me!
Thats fabulous news as I pretty much always spend more than I should.

Im also beyond excited bc of my weight loss and my new healthy eating habits!

I think I may just be in a very inquisitive and analytical type of mood today!

minnie

Great to hear all those good things!

Sorry, hon, I was a bit harsh in my previous post. As you know, I too get into analytical frames of mind quite often and it is a good thing to be asking the questions.

I can't help thinking that after all the hours of reading and researching I have done, it all just comes back to feeling that I am OK in myself. As long as I feel like that, then my boundaries are in place, my interactions with other people are honest and fulfilling and the possibilities are endless. Next step is feeling like that more of the time than not, which is the tricky bit!!

elizabeth1979

I didnt think you were being harsh!

Ill tell you its a cycle. When I make the tough choices, enforce my boundaries, and behave in a healthy fashion, I begin to like myself more, then I begin to act that way more, reinforcing my positive feelings. Once to that point, its easier to do the right thing for me, than the right thing for anyone else!

pmaslan

I know what you mean....I feel like a trained pup sometimes...lol
I have been doing healthier things for myself too and you are
so right it feels great. Then I slip up and do something I said I
wouldn't and bam knocks you back a bit. I am finding that more and
more those old behaviours are being replaced by new ones.
It is tricky but eventually I'm thinking there will be many fulfilling days
ahead......