Kelly0303

I think tonight is the night we will sit down and evalaute this relationship. I am been unhappy sometime and I am not even sure why. I hate the fact that he drinks daily but he has no problem. He makes good money, he is home everynight, he helsp cook and take care of the child. How could I ask him to stop drinking. He drinking is about a 400.00 a month expense. Maybe that is cheap for some of you but MAN that would pay daycare cost. Or my rent almost. I mean we will never be able to buy a house at this rate. It is just out of control. We have had a few close calls with his anger. But now he has just switch liquors. A more expenese one saying that it is the type of liquor that causes him to act up. I was going to wait until this weekend to talk with him about "US" But I am just plain depressed and I feel like I need to go ahead and so this. Please say a little prayer that it will all work out.

cwohio

kelly0303 - prayers to you. switching liquors is a tactic that many alcoholics use. also you said a couple of close calls with anger. please be safe.

mallowcup

I will pray for you and I certainly understand the money thing. My husband hasdn't worked since October, which is typical in construction. He gets $400/wk unemployment benefits and he drinks that each week easily, not to mention the losses in card games and rounds bought for the bar. It doesn't bother him to lay out a shifts pay in a poker pot. It's true. Last week they played a game and the pot built to $168. I just sat down to do the bills and on one page of the check book alone there are $400 worth of checks written to the bar around the corner in the past two weeks. It's the lack of respect for my work and what it takes me to earn that much money. I will pray for you and you can pray for me.

Ayers1995

Mallow,
When you sit w/him, please be strong. Please don't let him just tell you what you want to hear. You remember that you are worth more than what you are getting. OK.

I too will pray for you and your outcome! Be safe.

megamysterioso

I'll say my prayers for you too Kelly. If you are depressed and this has been weighing on your heart for far too long, now is the time. Good luck to you and keep us posted. Yes, 400$ a month is a lot of money to go straight down the toilet.

warriorprincess

Kelly, sorry if I seem mad, but my blood just boils when i read this stuff! I am so sick of alcoholics running the show... Tell me to butt out, but IMHO, you are unhappy because you are living with an alcoholic!

Yeah "He makes good money, he is home everynight, he helsp cook and take care of the child" -- not to sound harsh, but so what? These are things any partner should do. He doesn't deserve a medal for this.

You can ask him to stop drinking because it is affecting your lives -- it's your right to not have to deal with this.

Yes, $400 is a lot of money, no matter how you look at it. When i found out my AH was charging all his trips to the bar and liquor store on a credit card that was sent to his office and paid thru a separate account, I freaked out when I added it all up. we were scrimping and saving -- kids had no college funds -- but he had money for booze!

No, you may never be able to buy a house with him. i have been doing a ton of reading on alcoholism and one of the key things is grandiosity, or the belief that one day you'll have enough money for X,Y, or Z, so why save now? My AH never believed in saving for retirement, wills, life insurance, etc. -- this is a common thing.

Anger, switching liquor, etc. -- none of this is good.

Read "Codependent No More" and learn to assert yourself and make yourself heard. You are not crazy for being upset by these things... Hang in there!

mallowcup

Well the human body can only consume so much alcohol and it looks like no matter what economic bracket you fall into, $400 a month is $100 a week. That's the money we know about. In my mind this spending is a sin as it is a blessing to begin with. None of us knows how long we will make good money, what will happen if we lose our health insurance. I think the sin of it is remembering the good job, remembering the money burned over the bar, the good health that once was. It is a series of losses. I work hard and my husband spends my days wage without flinching, such disrespect!

guyinNC

My A wife was doing the same thing....at least a quart, maybe two per day. Cost anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars. But the real expense was, that when she went to the grocery store, she bought other items we did not need to mask that she was just buing alcohol. So in reality she was spending maybe 30 to 40 per day. Thats 280 per week!!!!


No wonder we could not save. No wonder I have extra money now that she is gone.

megamysterioso

Hi Kelly. How did this talk go?

Kelly0303

Well the talk was a normal it's not "his fault" that my priorties revolve around money. I was just spoiled from my parents and I don't know how to come to terms with we will be broke until we get the EXTRA stuff paid off. Which isn't even happening. We grew up in two different lifestyles. His family making it day to day(many of them alcoholics) and my family having things out off life. I just want the same for my daughter. He told me that I care more about money than my family and I should be content that we have each other right now. Then proceed to ask if there was someone else. HUH? I don't have time for someone else. I am being a crazy codependant keeping up with him and his issues. So pretty much the money issues are because of the bills not his drinking. And I am a selfish little b****. Imagine that. I don't even know why I try to talk to him. We get NO WHERE. I tried to get him to got to counseling but he has no issues. (just ask him).
I guess i would say that the converstion SUCK and I need to get a back bone.

LaTeeDa

I have to respond to this....My husband gives me the same BS. I care more about money than I do about him. (boohoo) Only HIS family was the upper-middle-class and my family was the struggling one. Hey, just because you want a little financial security, that makes you a selfish b****???? I don't think so! This is just another "turn-around" to make you feel guilty and take the focus off the real problem, which is his drinking. Don't you buy into it!

I stopped having talks with mine when I realized I might as well have been talking to the washing machine. Except the washing machine won't use your words against you later.

Actions, actions, actions. Listen to them.

L

susie24

Hey, I'm a selfish b***h too for wanting my daughters not to have to want for anything. I grew up middle class, his family struggled. And he always used to complain about what he lacked. But now, if it was good enough for him it's good enough for my kids. What a load of bull! I don't want to be rich, but I do want to buy my kids medicine next week if they get sick and not have to worry about it! They just figure that if your getting by w/ somewhere to live and food, then you must have all need and it's okay to spend the extra money. But it's not really extra! You ahve to have some money for emergencies, especially w/ kids. Try to stay strong when you talk to him, don't back down on your reasons. He should give up drinking. Good luck!

megamysterioso

Wow Kelly--- This is a trend!!

Mine says the EXACT same thing!!! I'm in LaTee's position of mine being the struggling family and his being upper middle class!!! I'm an only child though so according to him, I'm a spoiled brat!!! I make more $ than he does at my job b/c I worked for this by going to college and I am concerned about financial security, but trust me when I say I am not some money-grubbing scoundrel!

This must be one of the typical comebacks that As use to try and make us question our own character so that their characters don't have to be checked! What a crock of crap.

Be strong and forget the talks in the future. I refuse to talk about it anymore as I really have nothing left to say and no longer feel that I owe it to him. I'm making my plans secretly and the next talk that we have will be, "I filed for divorce today."

always

"I mean we will never be able to buy a house at this rate. It is just out of control. We have had a few close calls with his anger."

Hi Kel- I have to ask what did you mean by the above quote. Are you afraid he will get physical or has he already threatened to hit you? If you aren't safe GET out. Call your local shelter if you need to but don't stay if it's dangerous. That said, I'm sorry that this is happening to you. If it is safe to stay & you have decided to end the relationship; start packing away every penny your can. Most Battered Woman shelters will tell you to make a plan and it starts with getting all your paper work in order and in a safe place. (with someone who isn't "friends" with him) Copies of pay check stubs,bank accounts, birth cert, 401k, everything. Pack a small bag with Essentials for you & your children. Make an extra set of keys for your car & HIDE it outside your house so you can acess it if he takes your keys. Check into local info on battered women's shelters, program the number into your cell phone, under a fake name, just in case it does get ugly. Many have group for women living out side the shelter, and most are free of charge. They may also have legal services help avaliable. It also depends on how large your community is so neighboring cities may also offer help.
I will be praying for you & your family. Stay safe...Always

Domestic violence causes far more pain than the visible marks of bruises and scars. It is devastating to be abused by someone that you love and think loves you in return. It is estimated that approximately 3 million incidents of domestic violence are reported each year in the United States.
Dianne Feinstein