talula

i really needed to vent. i have been doing nothing but crying for the past three days- and i have no idea why. i am about ten and a half weeks pregnant and in my second year of recovery. i have just recently changed sponsors and i am not regularly attending my home group- i am making lots of meetings- but i moved out of town from my home group so i only make it there about twice a week.

i have a six year old daughter that i lost custody of as a direct result of my dis-ease. i am suffering from the guilt of bringing another child into the world- i see my daughter every weekend, but i am scared that she will hate me for having another child who lives with me, while she can not. this guilt i have is tremendous and i'm having trouble with my third step.

i feel like i'm losing my mind. yesterday a commercial with an old lady was on- and i thought of myself being 60- i saw grandkids, but i didn't see my daughter- this sent me into a hysteria, i was crying for hours. the guilt is getting so strong that for the first time in a long time, i actually had a desire to use in the chance that i would miscarry. how sick am i? i can't wait to have this baby (or so i thought). i feel like a bad person, an evil woman, and a horrible mother. this all came so suddenly.

what the hell is wrong with me?

emmer

I think you'll make a great mother as you "keep on keepin on" with your clean time, and also a great grandmother some day! I'm sorry you don't feel good right now but hang in there
and lean on as many people as it takes and you'll do just fine. O.K. ..... ??

God bless..........Joe

helpus

As your daughter gets older she'll respect you for beating your diesase and living a good life. You can be a great example of courage and determination that she can use throughout her life. You can do this.

splendra

((((talula))))

I am sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I am glad that you are making lots of meeting though. One thing I learned about being pregnant is that there is only one way to go after a certain point. I learned alot about acceptance while being pregnant. I could not change that I was pregnant I could change my attitude about it though.

I know you must feel afraid and you don't want your older child to be hurt. I do not know if you can get her back or not but at least you do get to see her. You are free and clean try to make the most of that. Being clean I am sure can take you places you could never get to while high. Whatever you do don't use and you will have won another day.