twmbadeb

I don't want to go back to how my life was,but I feel I can't move forward without him.Everything could 've been sorted by now,I could have had custody of my kids and a property settlement,but I stopped it all! For what ? It is I who is in denial,not him! I am a 40yr old mother of 6 children,my AH of 8 yrs left us 2 weeks before xmas .Yes its better without him ,my kids are more settled ,we are financially better off, I'm not walking on eggshells and warding off insults everyday,yet I still foster this ridiculous fantasy of loving husband and caring father .Everyone,(including my counsellor) tells me I'm doing well ,that I'm strong etc.,but I have read some amazing postings on SR today, and although they are very inspiring to me,I feel I am no-where near to being a strong woman.I hate him I resent him. From week to week he changes his mind about -whether he has a drinking problem -if/when he can come home -if/what kind of help he needs.He is begging me now to come back home but I won't let him do this either.I am concentrating on taking care of my kids and myself,but I still feel stranded.Is there anyone else out there who is going through something similar?Or who can offer some much needed advice. Thanks Deb

kellisch

I can understand how you feel. You are going to feel stranded, because, this man is what you were used to, and because society has taught us that being with somebody is more normal than being alone. You are where you are supposed to be right now. What you need is time and distance away from this man. His alcoholism is his problem, let him take care of it. Inside your post you mention that it's better without him, so deep down you do knowthat this is the best thing for your family. To stay with him would also teach your children to put up with this kind of behavior, so if only for them, stick to your guns about not letting him back in.

LaTeeDa

I also agree that you are where you are supposed to be right now. Change in ourselves does not happen like a lightning bolt. It takes time. For me, as long as I was still in the "hate and resent" mindset, I had a hard time seeing the good stuff. You have recognized these feelings and that is great. Allow yourself to feel them and don't try to stuff them. One day, after they have run their course, you will begin to feel better. You may even forgive him, or not, but you will feel better. Sometimes we just have to slog through the muck to get to that better place.

Best wishes on your journey.

L

minnie

(((hon)))

I have too have trudged through that place of resentment and anger, bitterness and frustration. It's a total pain in the arse, tbqh.

Let him change his mind all he likes - you're not his counsellor or his sponsor, so you don't have to have a hand in any of that. I decided when I split up with my ex that I had no idea what was going to happen with him or me, but that I could make a decision about what kind of person I wanted to share my life with. The only way I could have even given the relationship a second thought was if he faced up to his problems and showed me that he was learning some new coping skills. Pretty tall order from me and one that he obviously decided not to meet.

If you can find some way of dealing with that anger on your own (instead of taking it out on him), I think that is probably the way forward. Counselling, journalling, beating up a pillow might work. Hark at me!! As if I've got much advice to offer when I still feel that ball of rage on a fairly regular basis!

Glad to see you hear - hope you stick around.

mallowcup

I think there is a wonderful man out there who would be a great husband, I think you keep closing the door to that posiblilty.

twmbadeb

Thank you to all that answered.I would love to have time and distance from him,but he lives close by and continually calls me,he rang me 3 times last night ,I answered once.Everything was a lot easier when he didn't want to come home.Anyway I have to get my kids off to school,it's 8.30am here in Australia! Thanks Again Deb

mallowcup

I guess he forgot he just talked to me. He was slurring and crosseyed. He told me he was playing cards at his buddies. He will call if he decides to sleep on this guys couch. Yeah right. You have no idea how my heart lept at the thought of not having to deal with him tonight. I just started tanning today and now I'm taking a hot bath. I'll watch some TV and hit the hay. It isn't much but I'll take it. I wish I could be a fly on the wall when he wakes up in the morning at this guys house. His friend lives out in the middle of no where so I hope someone has the judgement to make him stay instead of driving. Think carefully about those damned eggshells. Think about those insults. See the ease on your kids face.