Socialising stress??
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Socialising stress??
Last night I got a real lift (Thanks FD)! It had been such a positive and good day but in the evening I'd been chatting on MSN to my best mate and realised it's far from all done and dusted.
I struggle with MY feelings around alcohol and socialising, sometimes it's just a floating stress, sometimes it's effected by D still being not exactly 100% when it comes to going out and me feeling 'stuck' between wanting us to go and being aware of pressure on him.
My friend said something very wise about us as a whole group adjusting, I said something very honest in return that in LONG friendships it gets so easy to EXPECT people to just 'know' what's right.
I find it so stressfull, I find myself feeling lonely very quickly, stupid thoughts cross my head like the minute we leave they will all say 'PHEW! and crack open the wine. It is in my head but it grumped me last night even after a good day.
I struggle with MY feelings around alcohol and socialising, sometimes it's just a floating stress, sometimes it's effected by D still being not exactly 100% when it comes to going out and me feeling 'stuck' between wanting us to go and being aware of pressure on him.
My friend said something very wise about us as a whole group adjusting, I said something very honest in return that in LONG friendships it gets so easy to EXPECT people to just 'know' what's right.
I find it so stressfull, I find myself feeling lonely very quickly, stupid thoughts cross my head like the minute we leave they will all say 'PHEW! and crack open the wine. It is in my head but it grumped me last night even after a good day.
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Uhmmmm, taking things as they come would be a start but I'm not quite there yet!!
It seems to rub all my skin off so I end up super sensitised!! A lot of the time it just ends up with me wishing we didn't have to go anywhere - but I still want the friendships and zero socialising isn't the answer.
It seems to rub all my skin off so I end up super sensitised!! A lot of the time it just ends up with me wishing we didn't have to go anywhere - but I still want the friendships and zero socialising isn't the answer.
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Five - I've thought about it and I must admit I haven't revisited it lately. I think part of the problem is not being sure what my own beliefs are about the whole thing.
I know I don't want alcohol in the house - that's ME not D, he's happier with it not coming in here but doesn't feel as strongly as I do. That's because it's our HOME and I don't want it in my home, I want somewhere for us.
Outside of here I just feel invaded by it - I don't want to face it, I don't want to face us as a whole group adjusting, I don't want people to ask me, I don't want people left not knowing what they want to know - like what helps. I want to hide from it, and get forced not to every time an invite arrives, or doesn't because we're not invited.
I know I don't want alcohol in the house - that's ME not D, he's happier with it not coming in here but doesn't feel as strongly as I do. That's because it's our HOME and I don't want it in my home, I want somewhere for us.
Outside of here I just feel invaded by it - I don't want to face it, I don't want to face us as a whole group adjusting, I don't want people to ask me, I don't want people left not knowing what they want to know - like what helps. I want to hide from it, and get forced not to every time an invite arrives, or doesn't because we're not invited.
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Well, if in that situation, I would remind myself that I am only responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. This frees up others to act the same. I have an overly high level of responsibility, rules like:
everyone must be happy when I am around them.
or: If people are not having a good time, its because I am weirdo or idiot etc.
These rules do not add up to much in terms of evidence, and once replaced with more adaptive (loving this word at the moment) rules such as:
its okay if things are uncomfortable, I do not have to change anything or do anything. I can just be in this situation, knowing that I am okay and things are okay.
Or, although surrounded by booze I can choose the way I react to it being present. Its just a liquid, its annoying sure, but its not the end of the world -or night.
Catch my drift. Basically just apply reason really heavily.
everyone must be happy when I am around them.
or: If people are not having a good time, its because I am weirdo or idiot etc.
These rules do not add up to much in terms of evidence, and once replaced with more adaptive (loving this word at the moment) rules such as:
its okay if things are uncomfortable, I do not have to change anything or do anything. I can just be in this situation, knowing that I am okay and things are okay.
Or, although surrounded by booze I can choose the way I react to it being present. Its just a liquid, its annoying sure, but its not the end of the world -or night.
Catch my drift. Basically just apply reason really heavily.
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Pen and paper, and just explore, keep exploring until you come across something concrete.
I use socratic questioning, analysis of negative thoughts, and mini behaviour experiments.
All help me grow...and situation like this get less and less painful...
I use socratic questioning, analysis of negative thoughts, and mini behaviour experiments.
All help me grow...and situation like this get less and less painful...
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I've spent lots of time around people that aren't happy and not felt bad - but as much as I want to argue with what you said there's something in it!!
I feel responsible because it's largely my friendship base so I feel as though it's me in the middle. That isn't exactly rational but the situations make it difficult to challenge at times.
Do you believe in bog standard behaviourism too? Sometimes I think part of it is the result of conditioning over the last year - so many 'uncomfortable' moments led to bad consequences that even if my heads half straight my heart can still be going like the clappers!!
Sometimes it's that I don't know what to do, I can't escape responsibility for me and there's still lots of conflict inside me. I would have said 'part of me' just wants to avoid it - but as I was reading last night - we don't come in parts or subsections. ALL of me wants to go, keep the friendships, learn, get better and more comfortable and ALL of me wants to shut the door, not have the worry, just run away from it.
I choose to go - I think that's my better thinking. I choose to keep trying and learning it does get better. But I'm not there yet and I feel as though 'people' expect me to be.
It's like losing all my defenses and feeling raw. I don't want the booze in our social life, our friends drink and I don't want to cut them off, I don't want them to have to do anything, I don't want to take away from them the chance to do everything because they want the friendship.
It's the conflict inside me that's doing my head in!!
I feel responsible because it's largely my friendship base so I feel as though it's me in the middle. That isn't exactly rational but the situations make it difficult to challenge at times.
Do you believe in bog standard behaviourism too? Sometimes I think part of it is the result of conditioning over the last year - so many 'uncomfortable' moments led to bad consequences that even if my heads half straight my heart can still be going like the clappers!!
Sometimes it's that I don't know what to do, I can't escape responsibility for me and there's still lots of conflict inside me. I would have said 'part of me' just wants to avoid it - but as I was reading last night - we don't come in parts or subsections. ALL of me wants to go, keep the friendships, learn, get better and more comfortable and ALL of me wants to shut the door, not have the worry, just run away from it.
I choose to go - I think that's my better thinking. I choose to keep trying and learning it does get better. But I'm not there yet and I feel as though 'people' expect me to be.
It's like losing all my defenses and feeling raw. I don't want the booze in our social life, our friends drink and I don't want to cut them off, I don't want them to have to do anything, I don't want to take away from them the chance to do everything because they want the friendship.
It's the conflict inside me that's doing my head in!!
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Or put in another way - do my friends want me enough to still be there and still want me despite the time it's taking me to get my head round this? Do they know I care lots about them but socialising around booze is so hard right now?
And maybe I just go out not knowing which signals I'll pick up to answer the above.
And maybe I just go out not knowing which signals I'll pick up to answer the above.
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"I would have said 'part of me' just wants to avoid it - but as I was reading last night - we don't come in parts or subsections. ALL of me wants to go, keep the friendships, learn, get better and more comfortable and ALL of me wants to shut the door, not have the worry, just run away from it".
I can relate to this so much! yes, for sure. I think its called dissonance. A clash between the rational head and the irrational heart.
What is fairly consistant in what I know about CBT is that consistant practice brings results. And even then its two steps forward one step back.
Behavioursim is great to know about. Exposure therapy is difficult, but the idea of it is very true. But that old cognitive elemant can really spead things up.
Perhaps you have go the old "either or" going on - a severe case of the black and whites? You either loose all your friends, or you dont. You either shut the door or you sociolise. Is there no grey area that is more intune with the reality of the situation? Normally, its not one or the other, its just seeing what will be the best for everyone and making a decision to roll with it...
...very difficult when I am not you!
I can relate to this so much! yes, for sure. I think its called dissonance. A clash between the rational head and the irrational heart.
What is fairly consistant in what I know about CBT is that consistant practice brings results. And even then its two steps forward one step back.
Behavioursim is great to know about. Exposure therapy is difficult, but the idea of it is very true. But that old cognitive elemant can really spead things up.
Perhaps you have go the old "either or" going on - a severe case of the black and whites? You either loose all your friends, or you dont. You either shut the door or you sociolise. Is there no grey area that is more intune with the reality of the situation? Normally, its not one or the other, its just seeing what will be the best for everyone and making a decision to roll with it...
...very difficult when I am not you!
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
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Burt and I really struggle with this issue. All last summer he didn't know if he should attend barbeques and he turned down an invite to the family reunion because his side drinks so heavily. Even his best friend said to me he works hard " its only a couple of beers whats the problem", they just don't get it.
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Perhaps you have go the old "either or" going on - a severe case of the black and whites? You either loose all your friends, or you dont. You either shut the door or you sociolise. Is there no grey area that is more intune with the reality of the situation? Normally, its not one or the other, its just seeing what will be the best for everyone and making a decision to roll with it...
actually, not the best decision for "everyone" - the best for yourself. What will help you...
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Originally Posted by reader
Burt and I really struggle with this issue. All last summer he didn't know if he should attend barbeques and he turned down an invite to the family reunion because his side drinks so heavily. Even his best friend said to me he works hard " its only a couple of beers whats the problem", they just don't get it.
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I like the saying"trust the process". And do the right thing, the right thing will happen. Also, me and my lady friend always try and and talk about things that are bothering us. Communication is key to my sanity - it allows me feedback and different ideas.
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Originally Posted by equus
Or put in another way - do my friends want me enough to still be there and still want me despite the time it's taking me to get my head round this? Do they know I care lots about them but socialising around booze is so hard right now? And maybe I just go out not knowing which signals I'll pick up to answer the above.
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Originally Posted by denny57
When I've made these statements, my therapist says, "can't you ask them?" "They're your friends, right?" For what it's worth
but this will have to do. On MSN last night, of course I asked and my friend said if they didn't want us we wouldn't be having the problem in the first place!! That was how come she went on to say her very wise bit about us all being in a time of adjustment.
I feel REALLY stupid now!!
Helped but REALLY stupid!
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Originally Posted by equus
I feel REALLY stupid now!!
Helped but REALLY stupid!
Helped but REALLY stupid!
My friends have been great. Some of them are still adjusting to the "new" me who is much more open - in statements and questions - now. But they love me and we're all going through it together.
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