luvroses

I am an adult child. One thing I'm really struggling with in my recovery is how to deal with members of my family who either have no recovery or think they are recovered, but are clearly not (like one went to a few alanon meetings years ago and figured they now know the entire program, are well, and that was all they needed).

The problem is I love my family members and do not want to shut them out of my life. (Don't think I could ever do that.) At the same time, when I am having to deal with a lot of negativity because a family member is hurting themselves from the disease (but refuses to see it as that) or another relative that wants to phone me two, three times a day and go on and on about every single thing their spouse is doing that they see as bad or just what the spouse is doing that very minute....it can drive me crazy!!!

Sometimes trying to use what I have learned I should do in program with other family members to protect my own mental health, will tick them off. (For instance, mom starts getting really negative, saying mean things, cutting me down and I said to her one time that, that behavior isn't ok with me--I deserve respect just as I give her. She didn't speak to me for three months., etc. {Although it was a very peaceful three months. LOL!}) There are many other "for instances" I could give, but that is just one.

I still have a long ways to go in my program, but I am trying to change. I keep coming across this problem of how to deal with close family members who are very dysfunctional and still want to put that on me. I have a real difficult time setting boundaries on someone like my mom.

I hope I have explained what I am trying to say okay. Does anyone have any ideas or can anyone share what works for them in these types of situations? Thanks.

megamysterioso

Ooooh, that does sound like a very tough situation to be in. I can totally understand why you don't want to isolate your mother, but misery does love company, doesn't it? I read your other post on envy and maybe your family members are secretly "envious" of you making the necessary steps in your own recovery. Although it is a cliche, I've found the old saying "ignorance is bliss" is really so true.

I have very limited experience in this realm b/c my family (parents, my own blood relatives) is not dysfunctional. I can tell you however, that for a while, my AH and I were involving his family in our problems far too much (his father is an alcoholic and therefore, both he and his wife can relate to our problems). After one huge blowout incident, I resolved to simply stop involving them b/c I found that it was negatively impacting our relationships. Since then, we are not nearly as "close" as we used to be, but it has been better this way for me and for them too (I am sure). I know that my situation is not too similar to yours, but some times, you have to break away for the greater good.

If I were you, I would continue to focus on your own recovery and if someone in your family tries to take you down that tired, old road, simply let them know that you are focusing on yourself right now and honestly cannot involve yourself in other's problems right now. If they cannot handle it, so be it. Of course, you don't have to be rude, but really let them know that you are "on a track" and you cannot be diverted from it. Hopefully they will understand, but if they don't, it really is their problem. If you start to feel guilty that you are "being selfish," think about how selfish it is for your family to try and squash these positive changes you are making! As far as your relative that calls you a lot is concerned, I'm sure she has someone that she will call once she realizes that you aren't there to "solve" her problems.

DefofLov

I say do what is right for you, do what will make you happend and dont feel guilty about it. I come from a family full of toxic behavior and alcoholics. You have tipped toed around their behavior for so long. You have tried to make them happy. Time and time again you have sacrificed your own happiness. At least, that is what it was for me.

Remember what you wrote? "It was three peaceful months." When your mother decided to stop speaking to you? It is okay that you enjoyed not speaking to her and it is okay to set your own boundaries.

I think what is key to remember is that you can only control your behavior and you can't control their behavior and your reactions. With that said, it is okay for you to do what is right for you as long as you do so respectfully. As long as you did the right thing for you and your family remember it is okay and you are not a bad person for doing what makes you comfortable and happy.

I think guilt is what prevents a lot of Adult Children like us from being happy.

*hugs*

robina

Alcoholism is a family disease. When one family member changes, it causes changes in the entire family dynamic.

This means that if your loved ones are stuck in extremely negative patterns, they will often behave very badly to try to drag you back down into negative thinking and behaviour. (exactly what your mother was doing)

It's not that they are bad people - they are scared and feel threatened. It's so much safer and easier just being miserable and negative all the time.

Now that you have tasted the joys of recovery, you will never want to go back to that dark place. On the other hand, you love your family members, even though they are dysfunctional.

I would suggest limiting your time with them, setting some strong boundaries, and trying some "visualization" exercises and prayers every time you have to deal with them. It's amazing what can happen when your Higher Power walks into that room with you!!

Love and blessings

mallowcup

When the disease is out of the closet, we don't anticipate how well we will get to know all our family members. I suppose if we were in a different frame of mind, we'd blow them off. When you have one nerve left and they decide to jump up and down on it, we feel alone, lonely and disappointed. I think it's all part of the process. I have been so preoccupied with my husbands drinking, I hadn't payed close attention to anyone elses drinking. My step son directed me to a web site he bleongs to. I have read his blogs and every single one refers to being drunk or wanting a drink. My husband is too busy drinking to realize his son is right behind him. Just about every man in my husbands family is an alcoholic. It looks like the next generation is up and coming. I don't know how to or if I should even bring it up.