JessicaNAJ

In response to Minnie's question.........

I just went out for a smoke and was thinking about your question.

A year ago, G still wanted to be with me. But he wasn't working on his issues. I felt I had control over myself and situation b/c he still wanted to be with me....therefore I felt stronger. I think I was fooling myself and deep down, hoping my words and actions would affect him and cause him to want to get sober.

Now, I see him loosing himself, loosing his self esteem, and I feel like G is giving up on a life with me. Therefore, a loss of control on my part.

I am still feeding off of his actions.

When I met G, he was a complete mess. Much like he is now. (He's much worse than he was a year ago). I wanted to fix him....but I was 16 and it made me feel so good to know that this "hard core person" would smile for me if I worked hard enough to make it happen. And throughout the years, he did become more positive. I thought I made a difference in his life.

The picture that I saw....it was a normal picture, we were both walking away from the camera....my son took it three years ago when my daughter was still in an infant carrier. It brought so many memories....it was like my life with him flashed before my eyes and suddenly I felt again that he was my life and my future.

I can't explain it.... but I felt lost and desperate to get back the life I had known for so long.

I prayed for my HP to guide me, take my pain away, help me do what I was meant to do. And downhill I went. I'm reliving my past ways. I've fallen into CoDe tendancies. I opened my heart .... and it hurts so bad.

This person I met 16 years ago, had nothing, no one....but he had me. Because I felt like he was loosing himself, I fell into that hole that I feel liek he's in because I wanted help him out. I felt it was the right thing to do....only now, he don't want me there. I feel rejected and for some twisted reason, I feel I need to fight that.

(My mom always told me that my dad didn't want us, didn't care to see us, didn't care b/c he couldn't even call us on our birthdays or send a card.....I was the only one who never gave up on him and always believed he loved us. Maybe I'm projecting that on G?)

The difference now vs 16 years ago, there is no one here to pick me up. Only me....but I wasn't strong enough to do it alone. So I prayed....I still pray, and yet I keep putting myself in these toxic situations. To up the anty...I have two wonderful children to look out for. Each time I fail, I hurt them....and that hurts me so much more.

I'm trying to hold on to something that's not even there. I'm trying to get back this dream I've had for the last 16 years....the dream I felt when I saw that picture. That dream does not exist. This is reality and reality sucks!

So, you see....I really am trying to climb my way back up to the top of this hole but there are so many rocks and boulders I have to overcome. The first one I need to overcome is the one that will allow me to accept that these are the cards I have dealt....These are the consequences of my actions....

I'm listening, watching, hearing and feeling more than I ever have. Each day I feel more of myself and what I want.

I'm listening to everything each of you have to say. Some of it hurts, but it is so true.


Thanks for letting me get this out. It has helped me to see a little bit more about myself.

megamysterioso

Hi Jess- I know I am a newbie here and all of you are probably getting tired of my posts by now --- but I felt the need to respond. You and so many other people at this forum are much more "advanced" in your recovery than I am. I am striving to be in a higher place than I am now and it is b/c of you and others here that I realize it is possible. You have faced or are facing the same struggles that I do every day. I take what is posted here and try to apply some of it my own life. Thank you for sharing this part of your story.

I feel that it is only natural to want to "hold on to the dream." We all got married thinking that it was the right thing at the time and were filled with hopes and dreams for a wonderful future with our spouses. At least you are very much in touch with your thoughts and feelings. That is more than I can say sometimes!!

LaTeeDa

Holding on to that dream is what prolonged the pain for so long for me. It may be natural, but it's not good for us. And once you let the dream go, you have to grieve the loss of it. And that hurts more than anything I have ever had to do.

The good news is, once you let go and grieve the loss, it opens up that space in your heart and your life to fill it with new dreams. Ones that can actually come true, and that is when you start to feel the serenity, and the joy that life should be filled with.

It's not easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

L

reader

Awhile back Robina pointed out to me that when i had finally fine tuned my loss of control that i had started my 1st step in recovery. For many months I thought I was "in" recovery. Nope, It was until I gave up that my journey really started. It will for u 2.

Robina- I don't think I ever said "Thank You"
It is never too late to say thanks u opened my eyes
and sent me on the right path

ICU

[QUOTE=JessicaNAJ]

(My mom always told me that my dad didn't want us, didn't care to see us, didn't care b/c he couldn't even call us on our birthdays or send a card.....I was the only one who never gave up on him and always believed he loved us. Maybe I'm projecting that on G?)[/QUOTE]

Just my opinion, as obviously I'm not qualified, but I think this might have a lot to do with it Jess.

It's a repeat of a scenario that you are used to. I think you're not only fighting for G, but subconsciously continuing your fight for your Dad at the same time. Was that situation with your Dad ever resolved? Was there ever any closure? Did you reconcile your feelings about your Dad?

emmanuel2012

reading your realizations, comparing to my experience at the other end, i feel compelled to share what has happened to me.

short version of what hapenned:
we used drugs together. she quit. i didn't. she wanted me to quit, i didn't see the point. i wanted to want to quit. she bore with me, through my use and abuse and even my cheating. then i finally realized that my problem was going to destroy me, and I quit. I was a dry drunk/addict for a year with a couple sprees, then I came into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and am working on an intense recovery.

my fiance has suffered along with me the whole time. Sometimes she may feel she didn't do the right thing, but she can forget too the magic that has kept us together. Sometimes I feel we have a message to relay to others, but its actually right there in pages 111-112 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The message I am relaying here is of hope for love. Jessicas relationship has been considered unsalvagable, and although I have no personal knowledge of them, I feel that if you had true love and a good spiritual magic between the two of you, that you can indeed help your husband to overcome his addiction, if you are patient enough. If you are not patient enough, perhaps it is because you didn't have true love and magic to begin with.

CoDependency, being a Codie, as some say, is not always a negative thing. In my life, I need my lover, and she needs me. we are totally dependent on each other. True Love is like that. However, when the needs are not reciprocated, and when it feels like one person is needing more from the other than vice versa, that's when it becomes tricky. one person wants a little more freedom than the other...

You must decipher the actions of your husband, and your own actions. to him: Does he act the way he does because of his drinking? to you: Are you Intefering with his Drinking? That's the most important thing to an alcoholic...
if you are interfering with his drinking, or being a nag or killjoy, he may seek other companionships (not alaways another man)..

You seem to have ended it all in your head and given up, but if you can understand that if he is an alcoholic and worth saving, maybe its time you let him in on the solution (AA). you had mentioned in your previous post that you wanted him to get better on his own, without your help.. but what if you are the only person he will listen to get help?

also, just listen to you heart. if he is worth keeping in there-- and if you are worth keeping to him, you both would go to any lengths to achieve that.

much respect
Emmanuel

gelfling

((((Jess))))

I think your realizations are coming at the right time for you. These things happen when we're ready to accept them and work them to our advantage. It's been over a year now. You've worked your heart and soul trying to help him, but sorely neglected the kiddies and yourself. You've given him every chance humanly possible. You've done all you can do and there is no more.

Do what you need to do for Jess.

megamysterioso

Emmanuel said: In my mind, the ideal "true love" that you speak of is two individuals coming together to form a strong union with love, trust and respect. It is not about total dependence. I agree that needs should be reciprocated. I'm sure that Jess has "needed" her AH to be there for her in MANY different ways MANY times, but he wasn't b/c he was drunk and thus absent from the relationship. There is only so much a person can take. How long should one be expected to continue to hope and endure when his/her needs have been ignored for so long?

I'm glad things worked out for you, but in reality, addiction takes a toll for the worse on any relationship. Sometimes no matter how much "love" is involved, it simply cannot work.

CatsTail

A dream is a dream, reality is reality. Sad to say but it's true.

Is it worth it to let the lives of kids go and your life for a dream?

Probably your kids and you would thrive much better in reality otherwise you'll be chasing rainbows all your life. And your kids will learn that and do the same.

We get our esteem and empowerment by living with reality. That way we can make healthy decisions and choices and it really takes a lot less energy.

Ngaire

JessicaNAJ

Thank you guys for sticking with me. I'm trying to sort all this out and your support has been very helpful and means everything to me. I'm in for the long haul....I will get better for myself and my kids.

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with Mega on this one. True love does not mean total dependence. Far from it, in fact.

From "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck:

"Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other."

A highly reccommended read, BTW.

emmanuel2012

well, dreams, reality, what-have-you, i feel the magic of love is real.
so, i do wish that upon all of us, whether it be with a new start or a
magical reconnection. it's basically not up to us how this all happens,
and i am grateful for what God has given to me. I don't feel the need
to generalize addictions and relationships so much to argue whether or
not things will get worse or not for Jessica or anyone involved with
living with another alcoholic...every one must reach their turning point.
if it takes losing your lover, so it must.

namasté

minnie

Good recommendation, LaTeeDa. It is a book I come back to time and time again.

Jess, what you said about projecting your experience with your dad onto your relationship with G - please take that to your counsellor. When I had counselling last year, I explored some deep-rroted stuff about my Mum and how that was affecting my choice of partners. My Mum was very ill with PND when my younger brother was born and it is only in the last 5 years or so that she is "better". It was only 10 years ago that she tried to commit suicide and I am forever thankful that my Dad realised something was wrong and turned his car round on his way to work. The reason I mention this is because I realised that a) I had had a perfect childhood environment for developing that rescuing tendency and b) I was somehow trying to "save" other people because I hadn't been able to "heal"my Mum. Once I realised that, I was more surprised that it had taken me so long to be involved with an alcoholic, rather than surprised that I was at all.

We're here for you, Jess.

emmanuel2012

without arguing over the semantics of neccessity, i actually agree with you, LaTeeda. it's just that the "dependence" i find with my lover is a natural and healthy one. i suppose we could be totally independent, but why would I want that? sounds to me like more bondage to self. as soon as I choose to be living with someone, there are a lot of natural dependencies that must occur in order for the two people to be happy, lovers or not.

what good is the will to be free if I can't function properly freely?

Pick-a-name

I have heard a term used for what I think you might be talking about (with which I agree,btw) as "interdependence"........"whole" in our own right but joined by comminment and choice.