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I am gay now? Couldn't have anything to do with alcoholism eh?



I am gay now? Couldn't have anything to do with alcoholism eh?

Old 02-26-2006, 05:32 PM
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Red face I am gay now? Couldn't have anything to do with alcoholism eh?

Remember I posted about not going to graduation? Well, I had my first confrontation ever with my mother about her drinking and she blew me off. I talked to her about a possible cancer lump that isn't getting treated, told her the drinking bothered me, and I told her I wasn't going to graduation. This is how that conversation went:

I asked her if she knew that I told my sister and brothers about her lump and she said yes. I asked her why she didn't talk to me afterwards about it or anything and she was like, "it's not that serious." She claims that the doctors told her it was just a milk duct and it was nothing to worry about. I don't believe her at all because she told me that before she went to the doctors and I just dont feel like doctors will tell a former cancer patient who had one breast removed already "oh dont worry about it, it is just a swollen milk duct, pfft, nothing to worry about at all." So, I suppose telling us the doctors told her it was okay is supposed to get us to shut up and deal with it. Then, I was like, well I need to talk to you about the drinking. She was like, 'well, I haven't been drinking in a like a month.' I said, 'well, when I was there the few times you drank did bother me and in fact your drinking has always bothered me, I just never said anything about it.' She was like, 'okay, whatever. anything else?' I said, 'well yes, I am not going to graduation.' She was like, 'you are not going to your own graduation?' I said, 'nope.' Then she said, 'is that it?' And we hung up. It took all of 3 minutes and 10 seconds to have that entire conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So...I talked to my brother today and she told him, "I dont think its the drinking, I think she is gay or something is going on with her." It seems that instead of actually dealing with the fact that her drinking has resulted in me not going to graduation, she has decided to blame it on me...by assuming I have some kind of secret gay life.

I mean, I am so tickled. If that wasn't the most alcoholic thing to do!

~Def
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Old 02-26-2006, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by DefofLov
I mean, I am so tickled. If that wasn't the most alcoholic thing to do!

~Def
Yes; it was!

So frustrating.......sorry this happened.
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Old 02-26-2006, 05:45 PM
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Geeze, now I've heard EVERYTHING. Your mom is one creative lady. I'll give her that.
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Old 02-26-2006, 05:51 PM
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So often, it's almost impossible to not be flat out shocked at some of the things that an A will say. As well as shocked, there are times that it's really hard not to laugh.
I've found (in my experience anyways) that when someone is new to their own recovery - they find it wrong to "laugh at the addict", they don't understand how we can actually find some amusement in the words - not the addict.
Reading your post was one of those moments for me - shocking and yet, I had to laugh a little.

Keep working on yourself and your own recovery Def. And well, if you are gay - well, umm.... I guess I'd say that coming out of the closet (even if forced) is a great step in recovery! Oh Def - truly, on a serious note, just keep working on YOU!!! I'm sorry that your mom isn't ready yet to work towards her own recovery, but I hope that you will not let her hinder yours.

(((def)))
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Old 02-26-2006, 06:54 PM
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Yeah, I am not even worried about it. I told my brother the next time she pulls that crap on him to have her call me. She wants to know why I am not going to graduation she can talk to me about it. I feel like now that the first ever confrontation has taken place, I am not as scared as I used to be to confront her and I feel like I dont have to deal with the alcoholism alone anymore. My siblings have come to recognize it too and we are standing up to mom together.

I am still continuing my recovery and I feel a lot more like an adult now.

This latest antic has erased whatever doubt I have in my mind that there was a problem.
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Old 02-26-2006, 08:00 PM
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There use to be so many secrets and talking behind each others back in my family. Everyone use to try to win my grandmothers favor. when she died I swore I wouldn't keep another secret. Needless to say my new attitude lost me a wing of the family. I suppose I should have been upset but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.. Well, Def all I can suggest is to try to rise above the family gossip and infighting. My family life has improved 100% since I refused to play the game!!
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Old 02-27-2006, 12:43 AM
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Def - I don't know if this will help at all but I didn't attend my graduation because I didn't want the stress of my parents being there, different issues but a similar result.

It turned out a really good decision for me, perhaps because dressing up on show never appeals to me much anyway but mostly I think because it removed all stress about the event instantly. I found the pressure to do something crumbled once I'd made my own decision and wasn't budging. I still know a few friends from uni and they pretty much all think it's really cool I didn't go - I think because I stood up for what I wanted rather than what I 'should' do.

I can't remember my parents response at all, I never discussed it with them - just told them I wasn't doing it.

I really don't know if this helps, but not attending was a fantastic solution to me. The education never stops giving it's own reward that goes deeper and way beyond any single day's celebration, it'll be with me for life and it enriches life.
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Old 02-27-2006, 05:53 AM
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Thanx for sharing Equus.

Not going to graduation really does not bother me at all. I feel relieved and happy. I feel like I am doing what is right for me. I am so glad I dont have to pretend like my family is so supportive and act like everything is okay. I dont have to have that terrible feeling in my heart when I am around them. I feel free.

I am fine and I am sure there will be moments or days when I am not fine but in the meanwhile, I quite alright and doing much better than what I was doing.

~Def
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Old 02-27-2006, 07:59 AM
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Hi def- You should be so proud that you are standing up for your self & rejecting the negative attempts to control your behavour by others. Your situtation again makes me question what comes first.. Alcoholism or Narcissists? I really am starting to believe they co exsist more often than not. The following is a quote from http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html
"Narcissists are (a) extremely sensitive to personal criticism and (b) extremely critical of other people. They think that they must be seen as perfect or superior or infallible, next to god-like (if not actually divine, then sitting on the right hand of God) -- or else they are worthless. There's no middle ground of ordinary normal humanity for narcissists. They can't tolerate the least disagreement. In fact, if you say, "Please don't do that again -- it hurts," narcissists will turn around and do it again harder to prove that they were right the first time; their reasoning seems to be something like "I am a good person and can do no wrong; therefore, I didn't hurt you and you are lying about it now..." -- sorry, folks, I get lost after that. Anyhow, narcissists are habitually cruel in little ways, as well as big ones, because they're paying attention to their fantasy and not to you, but the bruises on you are REAL, not in your imagination."

Last edited by always; 02-27-2006 at 08:07 AM. Reason: hit return & posted to quickly
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Old 02-27-2006, 09:55 AM
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Thanx Always

I never linked the two. Thank you for sharing that passage, it has really helped me to find even more peace with my family. My feelings are real, my pain is real, and you just dont "get over" 20 years of abuse and neglect just like that just because you are an adult. I am so happy I can finally accept that and it feels like I can finally nurture myself the way I need to.

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