equus

The impact of alcohol addiction made me learn, rusty cogs got dusted off and cranked into action!!

I wanted to ride black stallions and I did, I wanted to go to uni and I did, before D came back I was going to emmigrate to Asia!! I'd have got there too. It's taken me a little while to figure out what's really in my heart to do now - but over the last months a new idea has settled in. I want to learn, I don't want to stop, I want to keep going and understand everything I can. I want new perspectives, changes in beliefs, knowledge of science, philosophy, people, us, ME.

Something that hurt poked me into action and part way through the trip the rewards became internal, I felt it change.

I've bought books today - an introduction to ways to think used by philosophers as a means to make sense of the philosophies behind the news. A book written by a buddhist psychiatrists (Dr. Mark Epstein) who believes the buddhist view of change has more answers than western problem focused psychology. And a fiction book called The Cow!!

On order I've got 2 books by neurologists Oliver Sacks, 2 by the Dalai Lama!!

I've been sat listening to celtic ballads with candles on - just loving this luxury, which bits to read next? Where will it lead my thinking?

I don't want to stop - I can feel it inside like all the dreams I ever had, I want to learn all that I can!

LaTeeDa

I know exactly what you mean Equus! If this "problem" had not happened, who knows how many years I would have continued just *existing* on this earth. I have learned the difference between that and *living* and, strange as it may seem, I am glad that all this has happened to me. My eyes are now wide open and I am determined to make the best of this one life, this one chance. I am no longer trying to make things the way I want them, but rather taking whatever comes and making the most of it! I see each day as a wonderful gift, and even when it brings pain, I know that it is only an opportunity to learn more. Some days I have to really remind myself of this. Thank you for reminding me today.

L

DesertEyes

That's wonderful Equus, welcome to your new life. I'm still working on figuring out what I want to do. Thanx for showing the way

Mike :-)

robina

You mention celtic music -
here's a treat for you - the music of Mary Jane Lamond. She sings
in Gaelic, and she has the voice of an angel.

Enjoy.

http://www.maryjanelamond.com/

PS - I've been reading Buddhist books lately too. I like
books written by American Buddhists like Pema Chodron.

susane1408

I love your enthusiasm Eq! and I love the way you are going with your life. I remember the way you were in the late spring of last year; so full of knots and frustrations.
I have learned much about myself through the impact of alcohol addiction on our lives too, to let go of things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things; to focus on that which enriches my life.

And celtic music? love it! so evocative.

equus

I'm on Gregorian Chant now!! it's a chillout afternoon/evening - thanks for the link!!

I think part of wanting change is accepting myself too, it's my nature to be knotted when I'm knotted, fearful when I'm fearful and happy when I'm happy. It has been since when I can remember and I'm sure always will be. Perhaps that's why I've had a tendency to be curious, because I don't just hold things on the surface very well I need to 'get something' deeply.

Perhaps it isn't just alcoholism but living with D too - he has a very quiet way about thinking, it's not in your face but always there. His curiosity is contagious but not in the way that I want to learn what he learns more that I want to satisfy my own curiosities.

I think though the knots of this past year got me into gear and that reminded me of how it feels to let your mind go walk about and feel concepts shift and come into focus. So I'll stay on this path for however long I stay on it but I feel happy a new chapter has started - and for me they start with what I choose, or dream for.

FormerDoormat

Damn, I knew I wasn't a deep thinker. I went to the bookstore today, too. Bought two books: "Porch and Sunroom Planner" so I can have a lovely porch to sip coffee on this spring and "The Intelligence of Dogs" because I just love my poochies so much and I've always wondered what they're thinking.

I'll leave solving the bigger problems to your more analytical mind. Right now, all I can focus on is what color cushions will look lovely on my new lime green adirondack chair. Never one to follow the crowd, I'm thinking hot pink would look fetching.

Now, on a more serous side. The impact of alcohol addiction has made me learn, too. And more than that, your recovery journey, which you share so honestly and passionately has led to personal growth for me, too. I can't tell you how many times your posts have helped me to see things in a new light. And I'm forever grateful that you helped me see that "there's a person behind the disease." You are one special lady.

equus

Meeeeeep!!! Gonna run to bed now! - But thanks, I needed that little boost, I had a fit of the grumps after getting stuck on something!

Night night - and FD, you've shown me oodles too!

FormerDoormat

Sleep tight. Enjoy your nightly reading from D. What a lovely, romantic gift....