Braveheart

Hi Everyone

Big step for this little chick. This is the first time I have come out (no pun intended) (ok, anonymously) about my alcohol habit. Wow - I am self diagnosing here. I have been drinking for the last 3 years to block out my past. I am a 35 year old mum of 1 beautiful boy and I have miscarried, divorced, been in 2 destructive relationships, estranged from my family, bought my own house, work full time. solely support my son etc etc etc. My problems are no different from anyone elses nor are they an excuse for the path I am heading down.. I know I have let myself get to this point and I am the only one responsible.

I have been reading the posts here and discovered this site yesterday and already I feel like I'm home. Boy, I have things in common with alot of you and its feels so familiar. In my life right now no one knows the pain and struggle I go through because I am a great actress. I could win an Acedemy Award you know (move over Renee Zellweger) don't know if she's won one but anyway.......! If I told anyone in my life that I drink daily and am depressed they wouldn't believe me. Smilie. I am usually the life of the party and the funny girl. Everyone loves having me around except for me.

I drink wine and can't go without my bottle every night. I also take Zoloft for depression and anxiety which I'm sure is exasperated from my drinking. I know that AD and alcohol don't mix. I am so scared of losing everything I have including my house, my job and my son. My 3 lifelines. It has become so bad that I don't know how to function without it. I am probably what you call a "functioning" alcoholic. Nothing changes and I can stay within routine but have found that I don't go out or socialise anymore. I am becoming a homebody because I drink alone. Like I said, no one would think that is what I'm doing.

I cannot admit this to anyone in my life I know so I have to deal with this and overcome this disease alone. My family are very strong and judgemental and would just critisize me for being weak and pathetic. I couldn't take it. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone so its impossible for me to admit my downfall due to reputation and such. Don't hold this against me because I am admitting my problem to all you people out there. You all sound so incredible and beautiful and I will endeavour to be honest to all of you in my commitment to this site and my condition. Not one post have I read that I could say was inappropriate. I want to do this myself. I gave up smoking 3 years ago alone and I know I can do this too. I'm happy to go online and verbally express my journey but too many people know me for me to go to AA. I understand AA is incredible and a key to success but I need to find other outlets.

I have organised to purchase a book called "Recovery by choice" recommend by Mountain Girl (bless you) from the recovery success forum. I couldn't get it here in Australia and emailed the company in US but it rejected. By a power beyond me I found a lady in Perth Australia who is a consultant and she only had a couple of copies left. My angel. I can't wait to get it.

Anyway I would like to let you all know how blessed I feel to have found this site (nothing available in Australia) and I hope to be able to help you all with love and support as well. I do love life but cannot just get a grip on it right now. I am open to support and critisism where required.

Thank you all for listening and I look forward to getting to know you all better and to becoming a better person myself.

With kind thoughts and positive blessings
Braveheart

historyteach

Hi, Braveheart;
And WELCOME to SR!

You have a serious illness that is progressive. And you know drinking works in opposition to your anti depresant, so it's as if you were not taking it.

But, you've recognized a problem and are working towards changing it. Kudos to you for that decision. There are meetings here on SR regularly. Check the chat forum for the times. And know that all members are welcome to all meetings.

I wish you the best in your journey.

Shalom!

CarolD

Hi and Welcome!

Before you quit....seeing your doctor is a wise move.
You must be honest about your drinking and he/she can help.

We have a forum...Alcoholism.
The top sticky is full of info on stopping.

Keep posting ...we do understand.

Hugs to you and your son...

emmanuel2012

welcome!
i suggest reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, if you can't go to meetings, you should at least read the book that made medical history 70 years ago.. its now online..http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/

until the program of Alcoholics Anonymous was formulated, alcoholics didn't have much chance of recovery. as history teach said, there are meetings online regularly, and perhaps your family will notice positive changes and sincerely ask what you have done... you might have to blow your cover eventually, but perhaps it won't be in the way you dread.

congratulations Braveheart, you have virtually completed step one.
(you admitted you were powerless over alcohol and that your life had become unmanageble)...

keep coming back!

Cap3

and welcome Braveheart.First congrats on reaching out.way to go.I will only speak about myself here if i may,and how it worked out for me.
I thought that i was the actor.Because this is what i trully felt inside.No one knew my pain,sorror,or that i was drinking,to the level that i was.I really believed this to be true.Only to find out later,that others knew i had a problem,before i did.I was the last to know.I was fooling myself,no one else.And even some today,others say that im not alcoholic,go figure,lol.I know the truth,though,that all there is really.Its not about them.Its about my own recovery,and what i feel that i need to do.
Different strokes for the many different folks,as far as to the way to recovery.For myself i needed to be with folks,face to face,eye to eye.There is "something",i cant really explain it,something happens when i look into the eyes of another,alcoholic,and admit that im alcoholic.I cant take my words back,and have shared with another.This is so freeing to do this.The first time i ever did this,i felt the whole world come of my shoulders.
You say that your family are judgemental/critisize,alot.Sounds like my family to.whether i went to recovery meetings,face to face,or whether i didnt they still found something to yap about,lol.
But all in all You, know best what to do.Of course i encourage you to go face to face meetings,because this is what has worked in my life..
Keep on,keeping on.Check out the meetings online,
Thanks for letting me share,my ES*Hope,
God Bless,and take care!!!

naturelover

Hi Braveheart! I'm fairly new here, too. Two weeks sober.

Sounds like you have been honest with yourself and admitting you have a problem. The next step is putting down the bottle. Like others have said, detoxing under a doctor's care is always much safer. Personally, I did it by myself, but tapered off the week before instead of going completely cold turkey. My reasons for quitting were all about my health. I didn't drink until I was drunk, but drank all day to maintain a buzz. I was functioning, too. Never did or said anything to my family that I regretted, have always had a great relationship with my family, never made a fool of myself, never blacked out or got a dui, always was a respected part of our community - I kept it hidden well. I basically drank because I was bored at home during the day. But my health was deteriorating rapidy and I knew it was time to put the bottle down.

I also do not attend AA. I have both personal and "spiritual" reasons for not going. I am neo-pagan and basically believe that by honouring the Godess, we reconnect with our inner goddess. I believe that we empower ourselves spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and physically so our true selves are set free. I simply can't connect with the "powerless" aspects of AA. But I have put together a "toolbox" of recovery that I look to every day : a return to meditation and yoga, working out 5 days a week, and volunteering at a food bank. I journal when I feel the need and each day I wake up thinking of what positive change I can make in myself and my life that day. Sometimes that's something as small and mundane as taking the time to paint my toenails and my daughter's toenails (something I never did when drinking). I also am reading Rational Recovery, which is behavioral modification in its approach to recovery. It fits well in my spiritual beliefs and I could really connect with its message. I'd encourage you to read that, too. Mostly, keep your mind open to ANYTHING that helps to keep you sober once you start your journey of recovery. Like you, AA is not for me right now, but there are myriad of ways to stay sober and some day AA might fit into that plan.

Just take that first step and quit! Blessings to you on your path to discovery and recovery.

OVERIT

Welcome Braveheart!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep coming back, this is a great place to share and be honest.

I sent you a PM.

Love and hugs,



Angela

bor_rabnud

Hi Braveheart.
I know the feeling of drinking and being on antidepressants. Both were working against each other and in the liver also. I drank beer and was on antidepressants for like 8 years doing both together. Now that I am sober(By the grace of GOD) the antidepressants seem to work the way they are meant to work. I am glad you are getting your book and I hope it works for you.

Rob

GmRobot

I too am relatively new and in need of support, for my life, for my family's well being.
I have tried fooling myself in thinking that I have a better life when I've been drinkin'. I have hidden beer/wine bottles thru-out my house, garage, so my wife and family wouldn't know just how much I drink.
I have generally drank alone, and once started I didn't stop till the last bottle was finished.
I have been threatened (by my wife) change your ways, (she doesn't want to put up with my drinking any longer) or I will have to fend for myself, read seperation/divorce.
I have admitted I'm an alcoholic to myself and my wife and have tried to control my alcoholic intake, with seemingly short term improvement...the 2 beers become 3, the 3 beers become 4-5. And then it just gets worse.
I would go to the garage to get something then turn around twist the cap of a beer .....pretty much chug the beer down..... then go back inside and continue what I was doing. Nobody else the wiser.
a short time later I would do the same thing maybe go outside for a smoke then repeat. I am ever deceitful....who am I trying to fool???
I have read a number of posts here and I feel I can overcome this disease
(I have this disease ALCOHOLISM) and put my life and my family at the top of my list of values.
I look back and see that this is not that alcoholic hole I wish to remain in, I want to climb out. I need a ladder, a rope, and a helping hand.
THe more I think about what I have done to conceal my drinking, and (substance abuse) issues the more I go "Daaaaa" I have a problem.

I'm sure that it has been said numerous times....is that we MUST admit that we are ALCOHOLICS and there is NO shame in that. United we will conquer

Chances are I will be here for a long long time, in sobriety recovery, but I feel this can only benifit my future. Support from others is always important.

it can always be worse (with alcohol)
......Look Up.....I am b egining to go down a new road.


oxox
Carlson
Hope I help

roadie58

First- very good job on self-diagnosis. You have essentially completed the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous and that is to admit that you are powerless over alcohol (the 'needing' one bottle per night) and the unmanageability of life (fear of losing it all).

The 'Big Book' of AA as we call it, is our manual. It contains 164 carefully written pages with the steps toward a better life and many stories that most of us can relate to. Please find your way to an AA meeting, the first book I'd recommend is much smaller and simpler overview of the program called 'Living Sober'. It tells about the progam, the disease, sponsorship, and what to expect at meetings.

There is a thread here about what to expect at your first meeting. I think you've earned a seat there. Why not go try it out? If you go for 30 days and don't like it, they will cheerfully refund your misery LOL

Michael

Linda C.

Welcome Braveheart.. It always makes me feel good to see anyone who realizes they have a problem and I feel even better when they also realize they want to do something about it..

I will not give advice.. I can only share my own experience.

This disease is progressive.. Often times we keep drinking until we reach a point where we simply cannot stop.. Its an addiction. It gets ahold of us good.. Its called cunning, baffling and powerful.. Sounds like you are seeing that.

If your alcoholic there are only 3 ways out out of this thing.. Get locked up, get covered up or get sobered up.. I was locked up quite a few times, nearly covered up a couple of times and finally sobered up..

I can only share what worked for me and countless others.. I got to AA meetings.. I got the Big Book (alcoholics anonymous).. I read it from the beginning thru Chapter 1.. At that point I realized I definately fit. I was an alcoholic.. Chapter 2 is titled "There Is A Solution".. I wanted to know the solution - so started reading again..

I became willing to go to any lengths. I started taking the suggestions from those who had what I wanted.. They told me I had to do what they did. Go to meetings, read the book, get a sponsor and start working the steps..

So, if you have become willing to go to any lengths and you want what we have.. then I pass on what was told to me.. You have to do what we do.. No easier, softer way. No thinking we are special, different or unique... Make the choice to live and get to a meeting..

Is it worth it??? I have been sober 25 years and am here to tell you its MORE than worth it. You have no idea what a wonderful life awaits you.. You never have to drink again or feel this way again..

Linda C.

roses2005

Hey Braveheart and welcome!
Well, congrats on the first step ( admitting you are powerless over your addiction)
You know, at this point, dont worry about what everyone else thinks or says.
You know what you have to do. You sound very level headed, and intelligent. You said it yourself, your life lines are your child, your home, and work I think you said???
Trust me on this one, if you keep up the insanity, you will lose those things that are most precious to you. Your disease comes before anything though, beacause anything you put IN FRONT of your recovery, YOU WILL LOSE!!!!!!! There is support out there.
You can only keep this charade up for so long before you just self destruct. Please get to a meeting, look for a temporary sponsor, find yourself a network of people to latch on to. Positive people, supportive people. Stay away from the ones that will hurt you and bring you down. Feel free to pm me if you like. Ive been clean seventeen months now, and I know the wreckage Ive caused because I didnt listen to anyone who was ttrying to help me. Denial, denial, denial. Until I got to a meeting that I found out there was help out there, and most of all I WAS NOT ALONE!!!!!So many people shared my pain. Hey, I walked seventeen miles into the woods, I must walk seventeen miles out!! And I did. I have a long way to go, and I still take it one day at a time, hell sometimes one minute at a time. Keep posting here on SR. Theres alot of good recovery on these boards. Take Care, and pm anytime! Jennifer

Braveheart

Thank you all so much for responding to my post. I feel like the world has let me know I'm not alone.
Its 6.00am here and I've been awake since 3.30am. I drank 2 bottles last night, almost like a final farewell, (can't believe I did that) *Humiliated* and now I am suffering from high anxiety and stomach pains. Funny, I don't feel sick or hungover, probably cause I still have alot of alcohol in my system. I think my realisation has hit home and thats why I'm feeling anxious. About my future? I'm really scared.
Well, this is my DAY 1. No more. I'm getting off this round-a-bout. I will read posts about detox and withdrawals because I am scared of what I'm going to experience. I will make an appointment with my Doctor today. Don't think I'll be going to work somehow.

Thanks all again and I look forward to getting to know you all better as I enter this journey to get better.
Braveheart

CarolD

Good plan!!

2dayzmuse

Welcome and congratulations on day 1. Taking the first step in realizing you have a problem and wanting to do something about it is a pivotal part in finding sobriety.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. Kids, miscarriages, divorced, single mom making a go of it alone. I had gathered together all the appropriate reasons to drink. I had all the required sorrows and then some. I was a bottle a night gal myself, more on weekends and further down the road I drank greater quantities, never really stopping except to sleep.

In looking back, it is blatantly apparanet the progressive nature of the disease. I was a functioning alcoholic until I became dysfunctional. In time I lost my job, my financial security and my emotional security/stability. If I can get anything across to you it would be to quit before you start to lose yourself and everything else along with it.

When drinking, losing jobs, loved ones, and a sense of who you are, in an essence your soul, seems to follow. That's the way it was for me anyway. Don't give your drinking a chance to pull you down to those depths. If given a chance, it will. I thought of alcohol as my dearest friend. Ppffftt...with friends like that...

I also live in a small town. I tried to hide my secret, but it is a small town after all. How could my continuous trips to the store to buy wine go unnoticed? I wasn't fooling anyone, they all knew.

I also wanted to do recovery on my own. Speaking from experience, it doesn't work for most, not for me and many alcoholics I know anyway. If I could have quit on my own I would have done it along time ago, long before I drank myself into losing three jobs in three years. After becoming unemployed and unemployable, I had every excuse to drink more. My reputation was ruined. After all, who wants to hire a drunk?

You can try online meetings and reading the Big Book. I however think that face to face meetings and having a sponsor to guide you through the Big Book is a much better way of recovery. If you find that doing it your own way doesn't work you can always try face to face meetings.

I understand how you feel about not wanting people to know, the embarrassment of the idea of going to AA meetings. I went through all of those emotions. Then...I got to the point where none of that mattered. My foolish pride was insignificant and my need for sobriety took precedence. I was in deep trouble and was desperate for help. When you reach that point, how things look to others doesn't matter at all.

In reference to your family being judgemental and all and being weak, they will probably never really understand. You can be weak and continue to drink, or admit you have a problem and seek help to remedy it. I don't know how they could turn making positive changes into something shameful. If they perceive it that way, that is their problem not yours. Just remember...actions speak louder then words. I believe I read those words somewhere above. Those words ring of truth and no matter how many times they are repeated, they will always ring clear.

I'm glad that you have found your way here. Keep coming back and never give up the fight. You have a tough road ahead of you. You will face many trials and errors. It is part of the process. Live and learn and keep fighting. There is no better place to be then with people who have trudged the path before you. The best of luck to you. I hope you will always remember that when the going gets tough, don't just give in to the disease because it is easier. There is a solution and drinking isn't it.

mythreesons

How are you doing Braveheart? Did you get to see the doctor? ((((((braveheart)))))
((these are hugs))))

Braveheart

Thank you Muse. Its a pleasure hearing your story. I am grateful as I still have my house my job and my son. I will do everything in my power today and every day so I don't lose those things.
I am scared but also excited. I did give up smoking 3 years ago which was tough so I know I can focus and be strong. I have been strong with everything in my life and people say how strong I am and how proud I should be. They don't know whats eating me up inside which I medicate with wine to stop the guilt and hurt.

I will stay here and I like it. Sometimes I may not post alot and sometimes I might. Sometimes just a read is all I have the energy to do. This sure looks like a place where I can be myself and not pretend anymore.

Thanks
Braveheart.

OVERIT

Good day Braveheart!

How are you feeling today?

This is ALWAYS a place, where you can be yourself and to have to pretend. That's the best thing about it! And no one will judge you.

Hope you are well!

xoxoxoxo

Ang

janeeyre

Hello, Braveheart!

I felt exactly the same way when I found this place. It's such a relief!

I look forward to more of your posts. Stick around

Jane

Justme57

Hi there braveheart ! Lee here , another Aussie !

Congratulations on your decision ! and on day1

How did you go at the Doc ? I hope all went well.

I was a "functioning alkie too, but I drank for 37 years, and like you, the last few years were done drinking alone, because I could not predict my behaviour when I was in a social setting, and also, at home , I could drink as I wanted. Mind you , every time I did, the guilt and remorse, and self hate were just as bad. I m so glad that you have made your decision while you are younger ( I was 57 when I put it down) There is nothing quite as lonely as drinking alone, and for me , it escalated quicker once I had started drinking at home .

I too, got the recovery by choice book, it is quite good, but I have used AA as my method of recovery, 'cos , I found , for me, that I needed the fellowship of others who really understood how it feels. RBC have a website , where you can discuss the excersices, I have lost the link, but I originally found it by Googling " recovery by choice " Hope you enjoy it .!

I work too, so am not here all the time, but will be nice to 'post" to another Aussie !

I now have 2 1/2 years spbriety , and you can too, 1 day at a time

HUGX
Lee