Today
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Where the sun always shines!
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Today
I went to the counselor today.
Nothing spectacular happened. I told her what's been going on how out of control I've been. She asked what I think happened and what caused this change. I told her about the pictures, the income tax, the guitar, me calling him, going to his apartment to talk to him since he won't answer the phone. I told her everything. She basically had the same thought most of you here do....why do I put up with this. I need to know why I'm reacting the way I am. I told her the further he slips away, the more I want to pull him in (she also called it a dance, but not just on my part, on his too). I told her it was much easier for me to be in control when I felt like he still wanted to be with us.
I told her too, that I feel like I need to convince him that I'm still here and that maybe he'd turn around and realize what he could have (lately he seems to be loosing himself, maybe I feel responsible for that too-I want so bad right now to make things better for him). I know....hard to tell I've been working on me for two years.
I don't want to have these thoughts or feel this out of control. It hurts me soooooo bad. I never cry, but lately everytime I think about him, I cry.
Something keeps me here and I need to figure out what it is so I can get past it.
She asked me what I was afraid of. I couldn't answer.
I go back Monday. I told her about my 30 days deadline. I need to look at that as a deadline for me, not a deadline for him.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. But I do know this much....I WILL FIGURE IT OUT.
To all my friends here....thank you for your support and your encouragment. I asked my HP to help me through this...to figure out what I really want. Maybe this is my HP's way.
Nothing spectacular happened. I told her what's been going on how out of control I've been. She asked what I think happened and what caused this change. I told her about the pictures, the income tax, the guitar, me calling him, going to his apartment to talk to him since he won't answer the phone. I told her everything. She basically had the same thought most of you here do....why do I put up with this. I need to know why I'm reacting the way I am. I told her the further he slips away, the more I want to pull him in (she also called it a dance, but not just on my part, on his too). I told her it was much easier for me to be in control when I felt like he still wanted to be with us.
I told her too, that I feel like I need to convince him that I'm still here and that maybe he'd turn around and realize what he could have (lately he seems to be loosing himself, maybe I feel responsible for that too-I want so bad right now to make things better for him). I know....hard to tell I've been working on me for two years.
I don't want to have these thoughts or feel this out of control. It hurts me soooooo bad. I never cry, but lately everytime I think about him, I cry.
Something keeps me here and I need to figure out what it is so I can get past it.
She asked me what I was afraid of. I couldn't answer.
I go back Monday. I told her about my 30 days deadline. I need to look at that as a deadline for me, not a deadline for him.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. But I do know this much....I WILL FIGURE IT OUT.
To all my friends here....thank you for your support and your encouragment. I asked my HP to help me through this...to figure out what I really want. Maybe this is my HP's way.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((jess))
There is a book I read, The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Even if you have not been verbally abused, there is some excellent stuff on what you might be afraid of. The book is about REBT therapy, which I am not involved in; but the info in there is pretty good.
There is a book I read, The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse, by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Even if you have not been verbally abused, there is some excellent stuff on what you might be afraid of. The book is about REBT therapy, which I am not involved in; but the info in there is pretty good.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
Jess, as much as we would like to force a solution we really can not. and it is unfair to you to force your life's decision in 30 days. talk about putting yourself under more pressure. someone once suggested to flip a coin and if the result is not what you wanted you allready made your mind up. i tried that- it definitely gave me insight into how i was truly feeling about the situation --
you said:
"I told her it was much easier for me to be in control when I felt like he still wanted to be with us."
what kind of control are you talking about here? All we can do is put our best foot forward and TAKE CARE of OURSELVES- and LET GO OF THE OUTCOME. If you keep obsessing about him (and i understand why -especially with the kids) you are not giving yourself that time to work on what you need to work on. If you are working the steps they do cover the "obsessive" impulse many of us have.
Chances are if you have been through what lots of us have, your whole being has been flooded with constant stress and turmoil and after a certain point your body becomes "addicted" to these feelings-and will try to re-create situations to get that chemical "fix" it is so used to. Please do yourself a favor and give yourself a break. Take time to focus on a good thing. A really good thing so that you re-introduce to your body and mind a new healthy, positive, life giving boost which if you can keep meditating on a continual basis (i believe 30 days is the minimum to make something a habit) -the chemicals in your brain will disengage your negative thinking chemistry and definitely put your mind and body onto a healthier track.
this is your recovery Jess. this is your choice. it is a good choice. it is a life-giving choice. you chose this because you know you could not continue to live the way you were and i believe you were looking out for your kids. times when i sit here and start re-thinking what i have done- i get the chance to see the title of that recovery book "COURAGE to CHANGE" - yep that says it doesn't it?
most recently, while i was in a funk, trying to figure out why i felt so sad- my 7 yr old daughter tells me, "today is going to be a good day". i asked her how she could tell and she explained, "well, first thing in the morning i take this marble and i Throw it against the wall, and then wherever it lands indicates whether or not it will be a good day or bad day. It landed under the chair and that meant it was going to be a bad day. So i picked up the ball and THREW IT AGAIN." and a LIGHTBULB WENT OFF IN MY HEAD! If she can figure this out at 7 then i can go with it too- and decide that today is going to be a good day-no matter how it looks! my choices are my choices and why the heck do i need to feel sad about these when these are the choices that i made? It may be difficult to deal with your beloved alcoholic
but that does not mean that you have to keep letting crap fall down on your day. this is your choice!
you said:
"I told her it was much easier for me to be in control when I felt like he still wanted to be with us."
what kind of control are you talking about here? All we can do is put our best foot forward and TAKE CARE of OURSELVES- and LET GO OF THE OUTCOME. If you keep obsessing about him (and i understand why -especially with the kids) you are not giving yourself that time to work on what you need to work on. If you are working the steps they do cover the "obsessive" impulse many of us have.
Chances are if you have been through what lots of us have, your whole being has been flooded with constant stress and turmoil and after a certain point your body becomes "addicted" to these feelings-and will try to re-create situations to get that chemical "fix" it is so used to. Please do yourself a favor and give yourself a break. Take time to focus on a good thing. A really good thing so that you re-introduce to your body and mind a new healthy, positive, life giving boost which if you can keep meditating on a continual basis (i believe 30 days is the minimum to make something a habit) -the chemicals in your brain will disengage your negative thinking chemistry and definitely put your mind and body onto a healthier track.
this is your recovery Jess. this is your choice. it is a good choice. it is a life-giving choice. you chose this because you know you could not continue to live the way you were and i believe you were looking out for your kids. times when i sit here and start re-thinking what i have done- i get the chance to see the title of that recovery book "COURAGE to CHANGE" - yep that says it doesn't it?
most recently, while i was in a funk, trying to figure out why i felt so sad- my 7 yr old daughter tells me, "today is going to be a good day". i asked her how she could tell and she explained, "well, first thing in the morning i take this marble and i Throw it against the wall, and then wherever it lands indicates whether or not it will be a good day or bad day. It landed under the chair and that meant it was going to be a bad day. So i picked up the ball and THREW IT AGAIN." and a LIGHTBULB WENT OFF IN MY HEAD! If she can figure this out at 7 then i can go with it too- and decide that today is going to be a good day-no matter how it looks! my choices are my choices and why the heck do i need to feel sad about these when these are the choices that i made? It may be difficult to deal with your beloved alcoholic
but that does not mean that you have to keep letting crap fall down on your day. this is your choice!
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Jessica!
Sounds like my old counselor and yours were on the same train of thought!
Those are thought invoking questions for sure.
Its not hard to tell! Imagine where your life would be if you had NOT been working on you for 2 years.
Sounds like my old counselor and yours were on the same train of thought!
Those are thought invoking questions for sure.
I know....hard to tell I've been working on me for two years
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The burbs, Maryland
Posts: 130
I've been reading your previous post. It sounds familiar to me. I too gave myself the 3 years deadline with the xbf. Well although we are no longer in a relationship, I still take his calls and up until the last few weeks, would still meet him to go out occasionally. You mentioned control. I think that is why even though I know I don't want him back as he is (still drinking) and my heart and head are pretty matched up of knowing it's over (my choice), I believe I still take his calls as a way of "keeping tabs" on him so to speak. If I stopped answering the phone calls, I'd lose control - meaning I would not know what is going on in his life on any level. Something to think about.
You are at least moving in the right direction and that's a Great thing!
You are at least moving in the right direction and that's a Great thing!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Originally Posted by escape artist
what kind of control are you talking about here?
I'm actually feeling really good today. I changed my spark plugs last night (with my son's help) and today I'm going to change my distributor cap (the dang thing still ain't running right).
I don't feel obsessive today either. He was "supposed" to come over last night. I'm sure you already know that didn't happen. But I didn't cry. I just went to bed. Today, I feel good.
I did just call him though, but only b/c there was a message on the answering machine for him. I was brief, but very civil and friendly. I have to get myself back together. I can't let my feelings be b/c of how I think he feels. And I can't loose control either b/c of the path he chooses to take.
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Join Date: Sep 2004
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong
Nosiness wants to know - did you mention him paying the sitter when you called to give him the message on the answering machine?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Nowhereland....
Posts: 8
Chances are if you have been through what lots of us have, your whole being has been flooded with constant stress and turmoil and after a certain point your body becomes "addicted" to these feelings-and will try to re-create situations to get that chemical "fix" it is so used to.
I'm so interested in the statement above. I've long thought that people continue to react to certain things in the same way because they are addicted to the feeling it gives them but have always thought maybe I was sort of the wacky one for thinking this. Can anyone point me to any research in this area? Thanks in advance!
Louvella
I'm so interested in the statement above. I've long thought that people continue to react to certain things in the same way because they are addicted to the feeling it gives them but have always thought maybe I was sort of the wacky one for thinking this. Can anyone point me to any research in this area? Thanks in advance!
Louvella
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ
...I don't feel obsessive today either. He was "supposed" to come over last night. I'm sure you already know that didn't happen. But I didn't cry. I just went to bed. Today, I feel good.
What I know from experience is that our "learning curve" is not shaped like an arc. It is shaped like a lightning bolt - jagged... first up a little, then down some... then up a little higher, another little drop ... then back up again.
Over time, the drops back down get further and further apart... and we get "weller" than we were before.
Progress, not perfection.
I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Glad he paid her Thursday.....I thought he might since he does that from time
to time. As I said earlier in this post, wait til Thursday even though she wants to
be paid on Wednesday. If it isn't paid pay it, I wouldn't even tell him I paid it, so
if he pays it after that you will break even. It's all bs but it will save you alot of
aggravation and time wondering if he took care of it or not.
Just a thought on how I might handle it. Money is a very controlling thing...(sigh)
to time. As I said earlier in this post, wait til Thursday even though she wants to
be paid on Wednesday. If it isn't paid pay it, I wouldn't even tell him I paid it, so
if he pays it after that you will break even. It's all bs but it will save you alot of
aggravation and time wondering if he took care of it or not.
Just a thought on how I might handle it. Money is a very controlling thing...(sigh)
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