Depressed...Don't know anymore...
Depressed...Don't know anymore...
My H is an A. I've known this for a long time... maybe I ignored it until recently, for fear of losing everything. (the dream life, happy family, 3 kids, good jobs).
There has been someone that took an interest in me, about a year and a half ago, but of course, being married I blew it off. Over the course of time, my AH continued to get worse... and worse. Often I had thought about "what if", but never considered anything. I'd ask my AH to make changes, to stop locking himself in the computer room, looking at porn and getting drunk! Nothing... About 2 months ago, we ran into this person at breakfast, and I went home... I cried.
Since then, I have started looking at my life... what it's worth and the lives of my boys. (We're worth much more than this) And I have had many talks w/ah since then, to quit drinking, that I would not live like this anymore... and he continued to drink. B/C of that I decided it'd be best to plan on leaving.. We've had yet 2 more talks and this time it's been 4 days since he drank, and he's back on his being extremely sweet and supportive kick.
This causes alot of grief for me, b/c of the plans I have in progress. Even though it's been such a long time that we've been playing this game.... I go back to my old way of thinking... have I done enough? Is this the time he's going to change? This must be a codependent thing? Right?
I know this is about taking care of ME and making MY choices; that I can't control his actions... but the depression this throws me into when he's telling me everything I want to hear.....is overwhelming.
There has been someone that took an interest in me, about a year and a half ago, but of course, being married I blew it off. Over the course of time, my AH continued to get worse... and worse. Often I had thought about "what if", but never considered anything. I'd ask my AH to make changes, to stop locking himself in the computer room, looking at porn and getting drunk! Nothing... About 2 months ago, we ran into this person at breakfast, and I went home... I cried.
Since then, I have started looking at my life... what it's worth and the lives of my boys. (We're worth much more than this) And I have had many talks w/ah since then, to quit drinking, that I would not live like this anymore... and he continued to drink. B/C of that I decided it'd be best to plan on leaving.. We've had yet 2 more talks and this time it's been 4 days since he drank, and he's back on his being extremely sweet and supportive kick.
This causes alot of grief for me, b/c of the plans I have in progress. Even though it's been such a long time that we've been playing this game.... I go back to my old way of thinking... have I done enough? Is this the time he's going to change? This must be a codependent thing? Right?
I know this is about taking care of ME and making MY choices; that I can't control his actions... but the depression this throws me into when he's telling me everything I want to hear.....is overwhelming.
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Ayers, They operate that way. If you are somewhat ready to go on make sure you are strong enough to go on and go on. Read my thread. Dammit they are our damn it's. They make us feel Damn It. I got this from Standing Strong's Post she gets the damn it credit
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Yeah- the being nicey nice kick is the worst. This is really the first time that my husband has attempted the nicey nice. He's made promises before but has quickly broken them and been back to his "old routine." Surprisingly, this is the only time he's actually seemed sincere. It's just too late at some point though, isn't it? As sad as it sounds-- just a little too late sometimes!!!!!! How much are we supposed to endure here? My thoughts are with you Ayers and you and your boys do DESERVE MORE THAN WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GETTING.
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Ayers,
Mine does the same thing. Just when I would think that I had really had more than I could handle, he would then hit a "sweet spell" where everything was somewhat normal. Yes, he would still drink, but it wasn't the kind where everything was crazy. So I would back off my plans, feel like maybe I'd been exaggerating it to myself, think my life wasn't so bad after all, and BOOM! Another major incident would arise. Then I would be kicking myself that I hadn't acted before. Just saying I understand...
Mine does the same thing. Just when I would think that I had really had more than I could handle, he would then hit a "sweet spell" where everything was somewhat normal. Yes, he would still drink, but it wasn't the kind where everything was crazy. So I would back off my plans, feel like maybe I'd been exaggerating it to myself, think my life wasn't so bad after all, and BOOM! Another major incident would arise. Then I would be kicking myself that I hadn't acted before. Just saying I understand...
Your right Mega, sometimes it is just too late! But even though we might realize it, it sure doesn't make it any easier to cope with, does it?
Asp, I hadn't heard that about Alcoholics and sincerity... this learning process is still all very new to me....
Asp, I hadn't heard that about Alcoholics and sincerity... this learning process is still all very new to me....
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Yeah Ayers- this learning process is new to me too. I'm not in an official program and am winging it for now. You're right- even though we realize what the "right" thing is to do, it does not make it any easier to deal with.
It sounds like you have some plans. Why not just keep working on what you may have to do if he returns to drinking? That way if things get intolerable you will be that much farther along. Not sure what your plans are.
I guess I should keep just moving along. It's just hard on the heart, when they pull out all the cards for guilt. Mine emailed me this morning and said that he had a dream that I told him while he was sleeping that he is a good husband. That ripped my heart out. I will continue to put a little money back at a time, just in case.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Ayer LOL LOL I am not LOLing at you but the situation. 1. You got e-mailed I get the text message the sincere loving voicemail the I will never hurt you again my baby..... and the counselor wanted me on the meds I did it and it makes it better but it masks what is going on so you don't react but in not reacting then you are enabling I think well from my perspective I felt like I was enabling. Huh!! Be aware and trust the gut. Trust God's guidance or whatever higher power you believe in that is what tells you the truth. That is the message. Angels are among us!!
Originally Posted by Ayers1995
I guess I should keep just moving along. It's just hard on the heart, when they pull out all the cards for guilt. Mine emailed me this morning and said that he had a dream that I told him while he was sleeping that he is a good husband. That ripped my heart out. I will continue to put a little money back at a time, just in case.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.
When I split with my AH he kept saying "I'm a good man." I told him yes he was, but he had a terrible disease that was also destroying my life. It also broke my heart and I still find it hard to talk about. Every single day I have to remind myself that I am doing what is right and good for me. Hang in there - hope the weekend gets better.
This is Oh-SO familiar.........UGH
Originally Posted by Ayers1995
I guess I should keep just moving along. It's just hard on the heart, when they pull out all the cards for guilt. Mine emailed me this morning and said that he had a dream that I told him while he was sleeping that he is a good husband. That ripped my heart out. I will continue to put a little money back at a time, just in case.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.
I contacted a counselor yesterday, I'm waiting to hear back from her on how much it will cost and such. Every time I've talked to my family dr about things he wanted to put me on depression meds to make it better, but I don't want to medicate myself to make me be able to tolerate my life! I want a life I love. You know what I mean. We'll see... Thanks again for your support.... it's been a rough week.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: wayne, Michigan
Posts: 21
Avers1995
What more can you do? If you are like many codependants (myself included) you have already done everything and tried everything. true there will always be something that you think could have helped. But the only thing you can work on is yourself.
Time will tell, make your plans and think about your boys and what is best for you. I wish you the best of luck.
What more can you do? If you are like many codependants (myself included) you have already done everything and tried everything. true there will always be something that you think could have helped. But the only thing you can work on is yourself.
Time will tell, make your plans and think about your boys and what is best for you. I wish you the best of luck.
You're doing the classic codependent thing. And it's so hard to let go of the dream. but it's just a dream. Even if you leave, you could go back if he really and truly went into recovery, but be aware that the drinking or dry drunk behavior could come back at any time no matter how well he seems to be doing.
Somehow they know when to back off and act human. It doesn't last. As soon as he senses you've changed your mind about leaving and plan on staying, he'll go back to his old ways. You're depressed because you don't know what the immediate future brings. Stay or go? Risk losing the dream, or risk staying in a life of misery? it's enough to make anyone depressed. When you lose hope for the future, you get depressed. Meds won't help. My dr keeps asking me if I want meds and I keep telling her I do NOT have depression, what I have is a depressing life. Meds won't help that, they'll just dull the pain so I won't have the guts to make the necessary changes.
Put your money together, then give him a list of actions you must see in order to stay, and exactly what actions will be deal breakers. That will help aleviate any guilt or doubt you might feel about either leaving or staying.
In Al Anon they tell us about boiling frogs. If you drop a frog into boiling water, it jumps right out immediately. But if you put a frog in cold water and then turn up the heat, the frog doesn't notice the water getting hot until it's too late. We are the frog and life with an A is a pot of cold water sitting on the stove. It gets worse and worse but you adjust and adjust. Pretty soon you're way beyond where you thought you'd ever be able to tolerate it. And As somehow know exactly how high they can turn up the heat without making you jump out of the pot.
Somehow they know when to back off and act human. It doesn't last. As soon as he senses you've changed your mind about leaving and plan on staying, he'll go back to his old ways. You're depressed because you don't know what the immediate future brings. Stay or go? Risk losing the dream, or risk staying in a life of misery? it's enough to make anyone depressed. When you lose hope for the future, you get depressed. Meds won't help. My dr keeps asking me if I want meds and I keep telling her I do NOT have depression, what I have is a depressing life. Meds won't help that, they'll just dull the pain so I won't have the guts to make the necessary changes.
Put your money together, then give him a list of actions you must see in order to stay, and exactly what actions will be deal breakers. That will help aleviate any guilt or doubt you might feel about either leaving or staying.
In Al Anon they tell us about boiling frogs. If you drop a frog into boiling water, it jumps right out immediately. But if you put a frog in cold water and then turn up the heat, the frog doesn't notice the water getting hot until it's too late. We are the frog and life with an A is a pot of cold water sitting on the stove. It gets worse and worse but you adjust and adjust. Pretty soon you're way beyond where you thought you'd ever be able to tolerate it. And As somehow know exactly how high they can turn up the heat without making you jump out of the pot.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
In Al Anon they tell us about boiling frogs. If you drop a frog into boiling water, it jumps right out immediately. But if you put a frog in cold water and then turn up the heat, the frog doesn't notice the water getting hot until it's too late. We are the frog and life with an A is a pot of cold water sitting on the stove. It gets worse and worse but you adjust and adjust. Pretty soon you're way beyond where you thought you'd ever be able to tolerate it. And As somehow know exactly how high they can turn up the heat without making you jump out of the pot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: My Own Private Hell
Posts: 25
Oh so much of what has been said is making me want to cry my eyes out. I so get what everyone is saying. So much pain. I totally get the anti-depressant thing. Last summer my AH (now one month sober) suggested I take anti-depressants. I told him my life was the problem, and that pills would not change anything. He pushed so much I told him I would go to a psych and leave it in her hands. so i saw the psych, told her my story, and she said, "wow, you are obviously in a lot of pain". she said she thought i was borderline in needing the pills but said i could try them -- she put me on wellbutrin. the first dose didn't work and she upped it. the second dose worked, but my ears were ringing, i was nauseous, and it felt like i was on cruise control, like someone was trying to push my head underwater. the hard things didn't hurt as much, but the the happy times were flat, too. the only good thing is that i lost about 8 lbs! now things are hard again. found out about more financial deception in december and told him i wanted a divorce at the end of january. 3 days later he pulls what i call a "hail mary" and announces he's an alcoholic and that everything happened because he was sick and medicating himself with alcohol. now his month of sobriety is killing me, too, for some reason, and he and our marriage counselor are back at me to get on anti-depressants. now even i am so depressed that i am considering it, though i hate the idea.
i feel so alone. my mother is dead. i have a therapist and we are seeing a couples therapist. i have good friends and family to talk to. but there is still no answer, no justice. i am 38 and feel like i know less than when i was 20. what is wrong with me? is this what love is supposed to be? i thought love would be this shiny, pink thing, but mine looks more like a big mess tied with string and patched with duct tape.
i wish wish wish there was some movie i could watch of my life and pick the ending i want. my husband is basically a good man, and loves me, but the past years i have taken a toll on me -- i feel like a stretched out rubberband.
but what if i get out and it's no better?
i do not like this time in my life...
i feel so alone. my mother is dead. i have a therapist and we are seeing a couples therapist. i have good friends and family to talk to. but there is still no answer, no justice. i am 38 and feel like i know less than when i was 20. what is wrong with me? is this what love is supposed to be? i thought love would be this shiny, pink thing, but mine looks more like a big mess tied with string and patched with duct tape.
i wish wish wish there was some movie i could watch of my life and pick the ending i want. my husband is basically a good man, and loves me, but the past years i have taken a toll on me -- i feel like a stretched out rubberband.
but what if i get out and it's no better?
i do not like this time in my life...
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