emily33

I dont know for some reason, I am not feeling that strong. I know the right thing to do, and for some reason I keep thinking about how bad I am going to hurt him and I cant help to care about that. I am feeling guilty and I know I shouldnt. I am not letting my guilt, or caring side stop me.

I am not sure what to say to him, I am not sure how to act around him with all these things going on. He is on his I am sorry phase, and is getting angry with me because I am still not okay, i need to pretend I am okay and if I am okay, and past what happened then I guess he can be okay.

I am not okay guys, I know that I need to do this for my sanity, I am looking at the reality of all of this, and it scares me.

LaTeeDa

Oh, the guilt. I can relate. Even when you know you are doing the right thing, it's still so hard. Maybe this is where "fake it till you make it" is appropriate. Keep on doing the right thing even when it doesn't "feel" so right. Wishing us both the strength we need!

L

elizabeth1979

Emily,
I remember a wise person here told me that of course I was feeling bad about detaching and changing our reactions and what I tolerate, bc as a codie, I was confusing love with enabling. When I started getting well, it started hurting, its not what I was used to. And he of course, is realizing maybe the jig is up. Maybe thats why hes mad bc you are not OK? Hes not able to manipulate you as much, and he see you getting stronger?
I see the strength in your post, and Ithink you are making good choices!

Out of the mouth of SHeryl Crow:
No one said it would be easy
But no one said it'd be this hard

Keep on keepin on Emily ! Im rooting for you!

Ayers1995

Hi Emily,
It must be one of those days my dear! This day is extremely difficult for me as well. I had already found a place to stay and now, I'm second guessing myself. I just posted the depressed thread! Oh boy...

Be strong, I will pray for your continued strength, as well as mine.

cwohio

oh emily - i know that feeling too. that's exactly how i was feeling when i was preparing to separate and leave. fear of the unknown yes! ((emily)) but think of a life away from the daily chaos for you and your kids.

texasgirl33

I too am trying to leave a bad marriage with an AH - we have only been married for 2 months but his drinking has gotten to the point of emotional and physical violence - I don't know what to do - I have always taken care of myself and been very independent and I have a group of wonderful friends that have supported me without question. I do love my AH so much and when he is not drinking I don't believe I could find anyone I got along with or loved anymore than him but get a few drinks in him and he turns into the devil himself - I'm staying with a friend for a few days now since the other night he kicked me in the face and I just won't tolerate that - never - but we both work at the same place big company anyway - I don't know what to say to people when they see I have a bruise on my lip - they are not stupid and most people know he has a bit of drinking problem - noone knows how bad it really is - he is very respected at work and I'm not sure if anyone would believe the stuff I've been thru with him. Anyway it's just nice to be able to tell my story - I will keep reading on this site and get as much info as I can about this terrible disease.

ASpouse

I hope you stay with your friend for more than a few days and never ever go back to your husband who kicked you in the face! Yikes ..... PLEASE DON'T GO BACK and I don't care how well respected he is, he is the BIGGEST OF LOSERS in my book! Oh my word, I won't even kick a dog ....... let alone another human being, oh my, how awful.

TexasGirl

Emily, I know it is TWICE as hard whenever they're playing the "nice" husband. I think you've made some amazing moves forward. Good luck.

kermit

I know the feeling, I know what to say but not how to act. I'm going thru a divorce and I'm so scared, I do not work (yet) all the what ifs scare me. But one thing I have learned here is " One thing, one day at a time) that is what I'm doing. Someone told me that when you feel like you can't breath and your mind is all over the place, just look down at your feet. They are planted. One step at a time. So now I say it to you!Good Luck I will keep you in my prayers.

denny57

It is so scary. But I keep moving through it one day at a time. This week has been scary and stressful and today my therapist said maybe I should go home and take a nap. That's a bit of a joke with us because we have talked a lot about how some people sleep to avoid life. Yes, it's painful, but I am just so certain it is right. Hang in there.

jojo

Emily -

I'm sending you some extra strength because I know just how hard ending it is. The closer you get the worse you feel about what will happen to them. I've said this alot but I'll say it again. When your fear for what will happen to him if you leave is over ridden by what will happen to you and your kids if you stay, you know that you are doing the right thing. Keep that in your mind, Emily, and keep working on that picture in your head of what your life will be like when he is gone. It is hard to act "normal" at this time but just do the best you can until you are ready. I'll say a prayer for you along with the extra strength I'm sending you.

Hugs, Jo

cwohio

((emily))

Aquiana

I can see things, I am so close that I feel like I am touching them, I just need to grab it and run and run so fast and dont look back, dont look back ever, I am closer and closer to that. I am picturing me sitting there in my own home, that has a fireplace and I am curled up with a book and wrapped in a blanket with my glasses on and a cup of hot chocolate steaming in my face, and I close the book holding its place with my bookmark and I look up at my surrounding, and I have a faint smile on my face and my insides are screaming with happines, because I am finally free.

Remember that? Close your eyes and keep thinking about that. I know your guilt. It's been helping me to remember that I know what I want my life to be. I can see it too. I make myself remember that I'm never going to have it if I stay where I am. By the sounds of it, you won't either. He can't help you get there, so you need to take control. You want and deserve a better life and sometimes you can only sacrifice so much of that. ((((Emily))))
I think you are doing great.