I thought this might help me ....
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I thought this might help me ....
Sometimes, I let myself get confused and lose sight of the "truth." Sometimes it can even happen when I read here. This place helps a lot, I know this is me, searching or trying to put off the inevitable although it doesn't feel that way at the time. I'll read a post from someone who's husband is taking steps towards recovery or from some of you who are working on yourself and I'll think, "maybe if I work on me, this would work here." I know I do not know how to express my needs. So I think maybe it's a lot of me that is a problem here and if I work on these things in me, this relationship will work.
But then other times, I realize that even then, *I* might be a different person but AH would still be the same and is that acceptable? I only have his past to go on and even though there is good about him, this is what I know....
He has always had a drinking problem. I dated him back in high school and even then, he was always the one getting knock out drunk. He was always the one getting in fights, etc. Of course, it wasn't as much of a problem back then because we were all young but there wsa always something different in how he drank as opposed to the rest ofus. He was always cheating on me back then and never admitting it. After a few years of college, we broke up and went our seperate ways. He married, I married. He had children, I had children. I did not see him or speak to him for 12 years because well, we both had moved on.
Fast forward those 12 years. I was in the middle of getting divorced, I went home to visit my sister and ran into him. He was in the middle of getting divorced as well. We talked and caught up. There was this person I thought wouldn't amount to much due to his drinking/behavior who had pulled through....finished college, went on to grad school/law school. Owned his own buisness, was responsible, etc. I asked him that first night, "Do you still drink and get that awful slur...." I said it jokingly and he said, "NO, I don't drink like I used to, now just socially."
Obviously, we went on to having a relationship, getting married and having a child of our own. I realized that he does in fact, drink as he did way back when and get just as drunk acting the same way. He was also unfaithful several times throughout his marriage. He is the same person he was way back when, just more educated and in nicer clothes.
So, why should I think he's any different today? Why shoudl I think that any good would come from my staying and expressing my needs or while working on me? He'll still be the same person, I'd just be different.
My point isn't that I don't need to change, I do. I just thought gettign thsi out here would help me realize that I don't need to hold onto any feeling that maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm starting to get scared.
But then other times, I realize that even then, *I* might be a different person but AH would still be the same and is that acceptable? I only have his past to go on and even though there is good about him, this is what I know....
He has always had a drinking problem. I dated him back in high school and even then, he was always the one getting knock out drunk. He was always the one getting in fights, etc. Of course, it wasn't as much of a problem back then because we were all young but there wsa always something different in how he drank as opposed to the rest ofus. He was always cheating on me back then and never admitting it. After a few years of college, we broke up and went our seperate ways. He married, I married. He had children, I had children. I did not see him or speak to him for 12 years because well, we both had moved on.
Fast forward those 12 years. I was in the middle of getting divorced, I went home to visit my sister and ran into him. He was in the middle of getting divorced as well. We talked and caught up. There was this person I thought wouldn't amount to much due to his drinking/behavior who had pulled through....finished college, went on to grad school/law school. Owned his own buisness, was responsible, etc. I asked him that first night, "Do you still drink and get that awful slur...." I said it jokingly and he said, "NO, I don't drink like I used to, now just socially."
Obviously, we went on to having a relationship, getting married and having a child of our own. I realized that he does in fact, drink as he did way back when and get just as drunk acting the same way. He was also unfaithful several times throughout his marriage. He is the same person he was way back when, just more educated and in nicer clothes.
So, why should I think he's any different today? Why shoudl I think that any good would come from my staying and expressing my needs or while working on me? He'll still be the same person, I'd just be different.
My point isn't that I don't need to change, I do. I just thought gettign thsi out here would help me realize that I don't need to hold onto any feeling that maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. I'm starting to get scared.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Anytime we make big decisions in our life it is scary. Especially decisions that change our life in huge ways. The feelings you have are normal and justified.
I would be more scared to stay with a man who cheated and had no desire to change. There are STD's out there that kill and to stay could kill you.
Sounds like he is a cake man with no desire to change. You have to do what is best for you in the long run. He can change this if he chooses, your leaving will give him a chance to decide if he wants to change things or continue living the life he is living now only without you as cake.
You stay strong and do what you need to do for you and your children, let him worry about himself. I know it is hard, nobody wants to face what you are facing, but Sunshine, remember, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! You are making a change, and he has the option to do the next right thing and be honest with you and become willing to change or move on.
Hang in there honey, we are all there with you in our hearts and we know what you are going though. Stand your ground, be strong and come here if you need support, we are all here for you.
I would be more scared to stay with a man who cheated and had no desire to change. There are STD's out there that kill and to stay could kill you.
Sounds like he is a cake man with no desire to change. You have to do what is best for you in the long run. He can change this if he chooses, your leaving will give him a chance to decide if he wants to change things or continue living the life he is living now only without you as cake.
You stay strong and do what you need to do for you and your children, let him worry about himself. I know it is hard, nobody wants to face what you are facing, but Sunshine, remember, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES! You are making a change, and he has the option to do the next right thing and be honest with you and become willing to change or move on.
Hang in there honey, we are all there with you in our hearts and we know what you are going though. Stand your ground, be strong and come here if you need support, we are all here for you.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I understand what you're saying. This is what I don't get sometimes...
I understand that in order to better our own lives and "break the vicious cycle" that we need to change something within ourselves. We need to examine ourselves, our behaviors, our actions, our motives, etc. to move past what is killing us and to move forward and NOT make the same mistakes. We are supposed to not "blame" the addict b/c that puts us in "the same league" as the addict. Ok, with that said--- what have WE really done wrong though?
It is a choice that we made (yes) to marry the addict, but once thrust into the environment, we have only attempted "to make things better" by becoming enablers. I don't think that becoming an enabler is a conscious choice. I think it is a natural human reaction when one is in a chaotic environment. It is a way of adapting and hoping for change. Not making a change- b/c we all know that the addict won't change unless he/she wants to! It's also a perverse form of self-preservation. Now- while you Sunshine and I are trying to make these changes from within to find our peace, what are our addicts doing??? Basically the same thing they've always done!!!! There it goes again, this burden (I know that trying to be a better, happier person should not be considered a burden) of us working to "make things right," with the addict left virtually unaccountable b/c he/she "has a 'disease'." Something is WAY WAY wrong here.
That said- I think that you've seen the light with this post you've presented. You know that no matter what you do, he will still be the same person unless he is willing to admit that he doesn't like the person that he is and wants to change for himself. I guess if he is (at the core) the same person he was 12 years ago, he must like himself a lot. You're are so much better just moving on.
I understand that in order to better our own lives and "break the vicious cycle" that we need to change something within ourselves. We need to examine ourselves, our behaviors, our actions, our motives, etc. to move past what is killing us and to move forward and NOT make the same mistakes. We are supposed to not "blame" the addict b/c that puts us in "the same league" as the addict. Ok, with that said--- what have WE really done wrong though?
It is a choice that we made (yes) to marry the addict, but once thrust into the environment, we have only attempted "to make things better" by becoming enablers. I don't think that becoming an enabler is a conscious choice. I think it is a natural human reaction when one is in a chaotic environment. It is a way of adapting and hoping for change. Not making a change- b/c we all know that the addict won't change unless he/she wants to! It's also a perverse form of self-preservation. Now- while you Sunshine and I are trying to make these changes from within to find our peace, what are our addicts doing??? Basically the same thing they've always done!!!! There it goes again, this burden (I know that trying to be a better, happier person should not be considered a burden) of us working to "make things right," with the addict left virtually unaccountable b/c he/she "has a 'disease'." Something is WAY WAY wrong here.
That said- I think that you've seen the light with this post you've presented. You know that no matter what you do, he will still be the same person unless he is willing to admit that he doesn't like the person that he is and wants to change for himself. I guess if he is (at the core) the same person he was 12 years ago, he must like himself a lot. You're are so much better just moving on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
Thanks you guys. It is so nice to hear something encouraging and to feel such support and understanding.
It is scary. I know that once I leave, there will be no coming back, even if my leaving caused him to see the light, he wouldn't see it and want to work it out with me....that just isn't him. Besides, I'll be states away and well, this is a very final move for me. I can't move my children that far away and then, someday maybe move them back. With kids, life just doesn't work that way. sigh, okay, I can do this and I'm certainly not going to die, LOL......some moments just feel like I might.
I hate to say this but I'm going to....It's as if I'd rather be miserable here than somewhere else. This sounds so immature I know but I'd rather be here with him than have him be here with someone else......ok, I know that's so "high school" but the thought of him moving on just, breaks my heart.
It is scary. I know that once I leave, there will be no coming back, even if my leaving caused him to see the light, he wouldn't see it and want to work it out with me....that just isn't him. Besides, I'll be states away and well, this is a very final move for me. I can't move my children that far away and then, someday maybe move them back. With kids, life just doesn't work that way. sigh, okay, I can do this and I'm certainly not going to die, LOL......some moments just feel like I might.
I hate to say this but I'm going to....It's as if I'd rather be miserable here than somewhere else. This sounds so immature I know but I'd rather be here with him than have him be here with someone else......ok, I know that's so "high school" but the thought of him moving on just, breaks my heart.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Sunshine, I thought that too. And then it happened. But after about, ooh....... a day, I realised my heart was breaking for her, not me. After all, she's the one who has to deal with all that crap now.
Mega - does it matter that the alcoholic is not making changes if WE are making changes to make OUR lives better? Big picture and all that......
Mega - does it matter that the alcoholic is not making changes if WE are making changes to make OUR lives better? Big picture and all that......
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I'm not sure it did break my heart as much as fill me with horror that I had allowed myself to be sucked into such a vortex. It was never really about him - he was just doing doing what he had done for years, even if it wasn't particularly edifying. It was about me and why I ignored the red flags and bought into the manipulation, then decided that he should be the one to change.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Good point Minnie. I still laugh, even at myself, when I think I am so perfect and wonderful and don't have to change, but he of course has to do all the changing. Seems funny seeing it in writing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
yes, I can see that. I must admit, I saw AH get very drunk and creat chaos while drinking before we got married. However, it did get worse after we were married. As in, even though he drank a bit too much a few times, after we were married, he didn't hold back, LOL. But you're right, I knew, I saw it in him and knew he hadn't changed. Deep down, I knew it. hey , it wasn't even all that "deep down." Alright, now I'm laughing. Please remind me of this next week, when I move and begin to "boo hoo." Right now, I'm thinking, "I'm going to be okay."
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Oh yes. You have no idea how many times I've kicked myself in the ass for not "being smarter" and doing an about face before I got to the alter. I was really deluded. I really thought we'd have a happy life and wanted the same things. I am most angry at myself and my stupid decision making process! Blinded by "love."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 371
Wow, you guys are really making great points about the "flags". And Sunshine, I can understand that the fear of leaving what is comfortable (however miserable, it is home) for an unknown place horrifying. It sounds like we are going through so many of the same thoughts and fears. Keep posting, the ladies here have great advice.
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