can anyone help

Old 02-20-2006, 12:12 PM
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?
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Old 02-20-2006, 01:47 PM
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What's on your mind?
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Old 02-20-2006, 02:05 PM
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I thought I read a post earlier from you, hmmm what happened to it
or am I just going a little nuts?????
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Old 02-26-2006, 12:15 PM
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ur not going nuts! need info bt dont know where to go

I am the partner of an adult child of an alcoholic mother..whose family was
also mentally,physically and emotionally abusive..he was beaten by his mum,
two brothers and a freind once for a laugh, but as the eldest child he was
also the one who looked after his brothers and seemed the 'clown' to
entertain etc..his father left them he had the usual promises his dad was
coming to visit but then he was let down..his dad beat his mum and him and
hisbrothers and they pretty much grew up drinkning smoking taking drugs from
ages 5 up.. thankful to say my partner now smokes this is it and considering
his past he is a kind man

he has never sought help with his past as he says he is scared as to what
they will tell him. and always cancels the appoinments...im finding it
extemely hard to deal with the one minute intimate then next distant
behaviour as i findit hardnot to take it personal..i have looked on the
internet but only found one site which still did nothave much information
about the parters of ACOA.

We have been together 11 years on and off my partner is 29 we have a 6yr old
boy and our relationship has always been up and down.. he has also since i
can remember been saying how he has a feeling that he cant explain but its
something that doesnt feel right..like something is missing..its a
feeling..i was upset to read a poem he wrote about me as he said he has a
beautiful son and his wonderful mother but still he's got the lot is this
all there is to his life..it has really upset i dont know where to go for
information...i want us to work i love him dearly.

the past in unmentioned..everyone gets onbut it
all seems to be unmentioned..

any help or advise you could give would be of great help as i just feel that
we are going round in circles..and the deep seated issues are the reasons
behind it..im patient with him but i really miss and want to us to be
intimate and close instead of up and down can you help???


or point me in the right direction?

thank you
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Old 02-26-2006, 12:45 PM
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hi partner

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I'm sure other people will be chiming in, but I will suggest pretty much what I always do - Al-Anon for YOU. I am so thankful it was recommended to me. You will find a lot of support there, as well as here. By focusing on yourself first you will find that you will be in a better position to understand your situation. Keep posting.
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Old 02-26-2006, 01:04 PM
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The emptiness and the questioning...is this all there is?
Till I started seeking a relationship with God, I had those feelings and questions.
What I found in God was a perfect parent that shows me how to do things. The imperfect way I was treated as a child, I knew it wasn't something I liked but I didn't truly know what belonged in the space that is called proper. No example to follow till I looked toward God.
A God shaped empty hole inside me was only filled by seeking God.
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Old 02-26-2006, 01:17 PM
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Partner,

Sounds like a sad situation. I have been attending ACOA for a little over a year, so may have some insights that would be helpful to you. I think Al-anon may be a good start. I currently do not associate with an alcoholic, but grew up in a seriously messed-up environment.

If you want to help yourself, perhaps reading a few books on Adult Children of Alcoholics would help you to understand where he is coming from. Do you suppose if you had a few articles or books lying around he would seek them out (when you're not looking?)?

I know that one of my major sick patterns of living is choosing to be with people I don't want to be with (usually abusive, emotionally unavailable men), who really don't want to be with me, either. Maybe your partner is thinking on those things for himself, but is terrified of displeasing you. This may or may not be the case. Questions for you to ask yourself:
What was your relationship like in the beginning? Mutually respectful? Passionate? Did it feel anything like "driving 1,000 kph in the fog?" Has he been loving and respectful of you, or dismissive, and repressing of his emotional self (i.e. has he given compliments and affection freely, or held back)?

It sounds like he is going through a nightmare, and inviting you to come along. As much as it may hurt the both of you initially, I think it best to let go (emotionally, not necessarily physically/geographically), and let him come to the decision whether or not to seek help. In the meanwhile, help yourself as best you can. Seek out al-anon or other spousal resources, and perhaps if he sees your burgeoning sense of peace, he will inquire.

The good thing is: from your post, it seems that he is possibly "getting ready to get ready." Which, though surely feels very frustrating for you, is a good sign. He knows he wants more out of life, but sounds terrified of seeking true change. Some of those painful things from the past have been buried into a darkened corner of his soul for a long time.

He's lucky to have someone who cares so much for him and is supportive. But, remember that you have to take care of you first, or you're of no use to anyone.

TAKE THE OXYGEN
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Old 02-26-2006, 01:58 PM
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When I read your message, I remembered something I heard about people who are abused as children: "they have a hole in their soul".

This is the emptiness he is talking about. It also sounds like he is suffering from depression.

Going into therapy to heal those deep wounds is going to hurt like hell - intuitively, he knows this - that's why he cancels his appointments. What's really sad is that things are just going to get worse and worse until the pain gets too terrible for him to bear.

He needs serious and extensive professional assistance to help him heal the deep emotional torture that was inflicted on him as a child. A support group like Al-anon or ACA would also be helpful.

Prayers and blessings to you and him
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