jacjacs2cute

Hello, please help me understand a few things. I'm wondering what is really happening right now with my daughter. I'm not sure what to do or how to handle this situation. My mom is the alcholic that helped me raise my 2 daughters. 20 years ago, I lost my job, had a hard time finding a job, so I moved back home to live with my mother. I was very young we all lived together in her home. I had my chldren very young (I was 17 & 19 yrs old). When my 2 daughters were 12 & 14, I had to leave them with my mother for 3 years until I was able to get a new job and house of my own. They are now grown woman, ages 36 & 34 years old. My oldest daughter is the 1st grandchild. She has acquired many of the bad habits of my mother. I often call her the dry drunk. She has fits and rages similiar to my mother when she is drunk.

Right now, I am very concerned about my 36 yr old daughter and my 3 grandchildren, ages 15 yrs, 7 yrs, & 4 yrs. They live in Oklahoma. I now live in Virginia. I believe she is very jealous-hearted that after I divorced in 1989, 17 years ago, I continued to grow, learn new things, traveled and sought opportunities for growth in my life. In her late teens, she became rebellious, got pregnant and refused to go to school. She has never married. She never went to college. Her personality traits are anger, cynical, extremely argumentative, and rebellious. She curses, makes snide remarks, and blames everyone else for her problems. My grandkids kids have no set bed time, run wild, and have little or no culture-enhancing activities.

The immediate problem is financial insecurity. My daughter has not worked in 5 years. When she did work, it was as a nurse’s aid, making less than $15,000 a year. She has never made enough money to take care of herself & 3 kids. She has been in and out of jail three times for neglect of the kids and traffic violations (leaving them home alone, driving with suspended driver’s licenses, no car insurance, expired tags). My mother spent $7,000 for a lawyer fees, travel and hotel expenses to get her out the first time. She has the 2 youngest kids taken away from her for neglect, twice. She gets no child support from the eldest child's father and $42/mo for the 2 youngest children's father. I have helped her financially off & on for the past 15 years, always sending large sums of money, from $500 - $1200). Her grandparents have sent large sums of money to help her when she get her out of jail, when she is behind in payments for utilities, and cannot afford clothes for the kids, gasoline, car insurance, food, etc. In 2002, she was homeless for more than 8 months. I took time off work (my job had me living in S. Korea at the time) flew to Oklahoma, and spent more than $10,000 on travel, hotel room, food, down payment too rent her a home, buy her a car, insurance, gasoline, clothes for the kids. I needed to get her stabilized because she had my mother sending her $200 a week for a hotel room. My mother is 73 years old. My daughter had been evicted from the homeless shelter for rule violations. In 2003, just one year later, when I was about to buy a home, she asked me to send more than $1,000 to her for an electric bill, so that she could pass a home inspection to keep her Section 8 Housing qualification. I pulled my money off the home purchase and sent it to her via Western Union. The 15yr old never lives at home anymore. My daughter seldom knows her whereabouts. The youngest child can’t go to school because she does not have school clothes, shoes, etc.

My daughter is now 36 years old and unable to provide a basic living for herself and her children. In January 2006, she is now due for another Section 8 Housing inspection, needs almost $700 to get the gas turned on in the home. (She and the kids have lived without hot water for more than 6 months.) Her driver’s license has been suspended again. She says that some accused her for having a car accident that she did not cause. Now, there is a legal judgment against her for $19,000. The Department of Motor Vehicles suspended her license. She wants to file bankruptcy to clear this from her records. The attorney fees are more than $1,000. She wants me to send money for that t also. Again, I am trying to buy that house. She wants to go to nursing school. She owed $443 for classes she enrolled in 12 years ago, but did not finish. In January 2006, I paid that old bill so that she could enroll in school by January 20th. Now she says that she will go to school in March 06.

I am at the point now that I do not believe throwing money at the problem will help my daughter to become independent. I want to help my daughter, but I cannot afford to continue to throw money at her problems. I am approaching retirement age. I do not want to end up in dire financial straits, like my mother. My mother realizes now that she made a mistake by continuing to throw money at family problems. I hope and pray this situation improves and that my daughter can get a better handle on life. Our mother- daughter relationship has always been strained because of this financial drain on our family’s resources. What do you think is the best approach to my daughter’s situation?

I continue to pray for a miracle. Thank you for your advice.


JacJacs in Virginia

robina

Wow, jacjacs, I had a real "eye opening moment" when I read your letter.

My 22 year old daughter is an alcoholic and I have spent thousands of dollars in the last year paying her utility bills, buying her food, making sure she has a roof over her head. I am still trying to pay off 3 thousands dollars worth of damage she caused when she crashed my car two years ago.

I am now in thousands of dollars in debt because of her behaviour.

When I read your letter I had a vision of myself years from now, even deeper in debt because of my daughter.

Your situation is complicated by the grandchildren. You do not want to see your grandchildren suffer due to the bad behaviour of their mother.

I think you know the answer to your problem.

You need to start setting boundaries. Because your daughter has years of experience successfully mooching off you, she will probably react very negatively when you start saying "no". Be prepared for this. My own daughter has made serious threats (she has even threatened to kill herself) at times when I have told her that I cannot or will not give her money.

What we are doing, as mothers, in ennabling bad behaviour by sending money. I agree that throwing more money at your daughter is just not going to help. You have done this for years and where has it gotten her? You seem to have accepted that, and that's something I need to learn, too.

Best of luck with this.

let us know how things go.

Robin

guyinNC

I'm so sorry. You can not save her. Save yourself.

I'm facing the same thing in a way. My wife's alcoholism led to us separating and her continued drinking and bad choices are leading her to poverty.

Its so hard to let go......at least it is for me!

denny57

My mother's father was an alcoholic who committed suicide. My mother did not drink, but was a rager, etc. I will try to not say too much here, but THIS is the paragraph that jumped out at me. I know the other 2 mothers who responded are only seeing the "mooching" daughter. I see much more. I would still suggest Al-Anon for JacJacs, where we learn to take our own inventories. It's been extremely helpful for me.

jacjacs2cute

Thank you for the response, Denny. I really forget how important it is to take care of myself in this situation. I try to analyize and figure out how I can help the process move towards a positive result. When I do so, I end up even more frustrated and angry at myself for trying to fix a problem that isn't mine. I want to help my grandkids, but I can only do so much. I'm wondering what can I do from this point. I've had legal custody of my grandson, since Jan 06. I'm taking care of him because he is a special needs child with emotional disturbances, autism, and epilepsy. My youngest daughter (his mother) lives in Japan. She married an illegal alien 2 years ago from Bangladesh,. He can not travel to the US because he entered the Japanese country illegally. After we talked a while, I was convinced that I needed to take on the responsibility to raise my grandson for 2 years, because they don't have services to help him in Japan. He was beginning to get in trouble with the Japanese police. My daughter's job is in Japan as a teacher. Until they can get her husband's VISA straightened out, they can not move to the United States. Again, my resources and strength are being pushed to the limit with this situation, and I am feeling guilty that my other 3 grandkids are living in poverty, while this grandson is getting the care that he needs. Really need to sort some things out here. My plans were to live a peaceful life, settle down, and remarry. I've been divorced 17 years, was a single parent for a while, and really looked forward to my children being on their own. Now, that's all changed and it appears the cycle has stared again. I know that I'm a part of this situation in some kind of way. Just worried that I don't do anything to get myself in dire straits.

jacjacs2cute

Guy in NC,
Didn't realize I was doing that again. Glad you mentioned I can not save her. I needed to know that. Thanks. Guess I've always been the family's saving grace. Took care of my alcoholic mom & dad for 29 years, then moved away from the family to start a new life. Thanks for reminding me I stil have those tendencies.
JacJac

reader

The money tree needs to stop immediately. She will never hit her bottom if u are there to rescue her. We had to adopt a tough love attitude with my step son. I almost think the kids would be better off in social services than to be without hot water for 6 months or gas to cook with. I would consider talking to someone about the situation, I think it would be in the kids best interest.
Take care,

jacjacs2cute

Some good news happended today. I talked to my daughter today and she was having anoher home inspection this Saturday. Somehow she had the money for her gas bill and I didn't send her anything. I just asked how she was doing, how were the kids. The conversation was brief, but civil. I could tell there was a haughtiness in her voice. Hanging in there, one day at a time. Thanks to all for your help. Jacqui