aloneagainor

Newcomers "Start Here". This seems a very good place to start. I've been trying to start making deliberate and long overdue positive changes for about a year, having realized that 19 years of hiding and escaping in drugs has sent me far afield, deep into the woods down an ever-narrowing trail, and I've become quite lost in my merry wanderings out here. I can still hear distant voices, and I listen, but they're fading, I'm losing contact, losing touch, losing connections. Wish I had a compass...

Maybe I can find some sense of direction here. I cannot reveal or discuss my ongoing use (daily pot smoker, monthly tripper) with anyone, or almost no-one, for fear of repercussions which would be miserably destructive. I'm a high-functioning addict, with a job and a small business and many animals and family (oblivious distrusting husband/ no kids) and responsibilities...so much of which is unfailingly upheld to support and allow for my continued use, I realize. I've always believed I need the escape of drugs to stay sane. Challenging my use seems a terrible threat to my life, which by the way I do enjoy and am a very engaged individual with many passions and passionate interests, so I wonder why make any changes, when remaining silently alone inside the safety of my own mind is such an alluring place to reside.

But then I step back and see how detatched from people, from community, from reality, I've become, ever more distant, ever more isolated. And certainly not enjoying the full of my brain and options and life in general, considering about 80% of my mind is consumed in endless obsession with finding, acquiring, using drugs, and every single thought and action is first processed through that mindset of "how does this affect/ is this affected by/ my ability to use as I choose."

Before I leave the planet entirely, or make some horrible mistake that either lands me in jail or in some treatment program or in some miserable way takes me away from the things I do love in this life (of which there are so very many that do not directly require drugs to enjoy...nature walks, music, reading, writing!) I'm going to try connecting with other like minds who I trust, and for this anonymity CAN trust, who perhaps might understand and can relate to whatever it is I'm trying to say here. Which is, I'd sure like my mind back. And I'm hopeful through this site, in this attempt to LOOK at things, and be HONEST for a change about what I'm doing and thinking, perhaps, maybe, I might need drugs less. Until now it's seemed hopeless and pointless, but considering how precariously balanced everything is right now, so ripe to explode, I'm near desperate for some hope, and some concept of what is the point of trying...

I've found a start for hope here, in reading postings from others I can relate to. I thank you for listening.

ASH

Hi Alone.
Welcome to SR, glad you found us and decided to post. You are making positive steps recognizing you want change.
You will find lots of information and support for that here.
Hope you stay and I see more of you here,
Take care

golf99

Hello!
You found the best place to get 'YOU' back. If not for this site I would have relapsed, no doubt about it. I'm in the same boat, I don't want to reveal any of my problems to my community either. Stay here and clean up, I am...8 days off everything. Remember it has been done before..DO IT!
Hang Tough,
Golf

Hope

Welcome. You have taken a *huge* step in the right direction by reaching out. Hope and support is available. Recovery from addiction is possible and you deserve to find the freedom. We are all here for you. Keep reading and posting!

Hope

Anna

Hi Alone and Welcome,

I spent 3 years drinking and at the end of that I had last so much. I had given up my passions and interests, lost my friends and almost lost my family. But, I was absolutely terrified of how I continue living without numbing myself.

You've come to a great place to connect with people who understand how you feel and can offer you support and encouragement. You've made a great decision to reclaim your life! There is so much hope!

REZ

I smoked pot every day too. I was (and am) highly functional. Basically, I really got sick and tired of being stoned/burned out all the time. I really didn't like myself very much anymore and I was open to try something different. A friend I had used drugs with (who was not clean) took me to an NA meeting. This was the best thing that has happened in my life. I found acceptance, understanding, support and HOPE in NA. I recommend you try going to meetings too. It couldn't hurt and it might save your life. SR is a good thing, but I know that I could not have gotten clean and stayed clean withouth lots of help from real, flesh and blood people.

nogard

Hi Alone,

Welcome to SR, I am glad you found us. Make yourself comfy and take advantage of all the info and support in our forums.

Kevin

aloneagainor

Kind thanks for the encouraging, positive words. Not only for those written to me directly, but for all I'm reading following everyone's posts and responses. I can see there is community and acceptence here, both of which I've denied wanting or needing, and so long as I'm effectively 'gone' I don't want or need people. Drugs effectively replace that...so long as they're around I figure I wouldn't have to bother with people/ relationships. You see I write that in the present tense. It's at the core of my thinking always. Be very careful who you trust, lest they ruin your relationship with your one true love. I've been married to my drugs even before I started actively using them. It's extremely scary to think of leaving them. I'd be so alone...
Or, maybe not.

lulu70

Hello! I wanted to add my welcome. My name is Laura and I am a gratefully recovering alkie/pothead with almost two years clean and sober. I was a daily smoker, too. I also did pretty much any other drug that crossed my path. I truly know what you speak of when you talk about the 'obsession.' In early recovery I often talked about how relieved I was to not always have to think about when, where, how, how much, etc. ad infinitum. The same holds true today. Getting and staying clean and sober was not easy, but it was definitely the best thing I have ever done in my life. SR is a great way to get started. However, I know I could not have done it without a LOT of face to face support. I go to AA and it has been wonderful for me.

I hope you will stick around and keep posting. This is a great place for support and encouragment. ........and thank you for reminding me that I do not want to go back to that insanity.

You are not alone!!!

BeginAgain

Welcome to SR and I hope that you find the information, support, courage and stregnth to find your way back to yourself. I hope we all do. There are so many high functioning addicts in this world...I being one of them. I always thought I could do more, faster and better and with a more positive attitude on life. I maintained and managed a high level administrative job, a home, two kids, a husband, my bills, four pets and eveything in between..but inside I was a mess and I am just beginning to heal. It's hard work but I think I am doing the right thing here. Again welcome and we are always here if you need to talk, vent, ask questions or share feelings.