When Did You Realize You Were Hopelessly Detached?
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
When Did You Realize You Were Hopelessly Detached?
I was just thinking... at what point did all of you realize you just didn't care what happened to your A spouse anymore? When did you begin wishing jail time on him or her? When were you just numb and over it? Was it a moment of brief clarity for you as it was for me? My moment...
About a month ago me and AH are visiting our only mutual friend out of state. We go to sports bar to watch NFL playoffs. Before going AH was already drunk and acting a fool so we took a couple of hours for him to sober up before deciding what to do. He seemed fine, wanted to go and we went... BAD idea. Mutual friend and I end up on the opposite side of bar from AH b/c AH has met some folks and is shooting darts with them. He seems fine. A few hours later, AH comes up and is obviously smashed and wants to leave. I tell him to stay right here with me until mutual friend comes out of the bathroom and we'll go. He was trying to leave and walk away the entire time while I'm trying to calm him until finally, he shoves me out of the way and tells me to "go ******* myself!" At that point, I let him go.
About 30 minutes later I have employees from the bar coming up to me asking me if that is my H outside. I look out the window and respond, "unfortunately." AH goes to the ER and the cops come. He's laying in his own puke and trying to fight everyone that is trying to help him. I let him go alone in the ambulance and knew that he would be in safe hands. I did not feel "bad" for him. I secretly hoped he would be arrested since his claim to fame is "I've NEVER been to jail." Woopteedoo.
Next afternoon AH is picked up after having woken up in the hospital, being told to leave the hospital with no money, no cell phone, no nothing. Found some nice folks that works in another part of the hospital to help him until I came to pick him up. First thing he says when he gets in the car is, "Hey mutual friend, do you have beer at your place?" I was sick, but said nothing. Mutual friend was pretty disgusted and let it be known only SLIGHTLY. Found out that AH drank tequila shooters with some stranger after HE had not drunk liquor in about a year b/c HE PROMISED ME THAT HE WOULD NEVER DRINK IT AGAIN. The last time he drunk liquor he punched my windshield while I was driving and broke it on a drunken rampage... long story. I wanted to divorce him back then.
Normally, if I still cared, I would have been very hurt that YET ANOTHER PROMISE was broken. I would have brought that to his attention right away, probably yelled at him. My reaction this time? "Tequila huh?" I didn't feel betrayed, didn't care at all. DID NOT CARE AT ALL. Is that the sound of the Liberty Bell?????
About a month ago me and AH are visiting our only mutual friend out of state. We go to sports bar to watch NFL playoffs. Before going AH was already drunk and acting a fool so we took a couple of hours for him to sober up before deciding what to do. He seemed fine, wanted to go and we went... BAD idea. Mutual friend and I end up on the opposite side of bar from AH b/c AH has met some folks and is shooting darts with them. He seems fine. A few hours later, AH comes up and is obviously smashed and wants to leave. I tell him to stay right here with me until mutual friend comes out of the bathroom and we'll go. He was trying to leave and walk away the entire time while I'm trying to calm him until finally, he shoves me out of the way and tells me to "go ******* myself!" At that point, I let him go.
About 30 minutes later I have employees from the bar coming up to me asking me if that is my H outside. I look out the window and respond, "unfortunately." AH goes to the ER and the cops come. He's laying in his own puke and trying to fight everyone that is trying to help him. I let him go alone in the ambulance and knew that he would be in safe hands. I did not feel "bad" for him. I secretly hoped he would be arrested since his claim to fame is "I've NEVER been to jail." Woopteedoo.
Next afternoon AH is picked up after having woken up in the hospital, being told to leave the hospital with no money, no cell phone, no nothing. Found some nice folks that works in another part of the hospital to help him until I came to pick him up. First thing he says when he gets in the car is, "Hey mutual friend, do you have beer at your place?" I was sick, but said nothing. Mutual friend was pretty disgusted and let it be known only SLIGHTLY. Found out that AH drank tequila shooters with some stranger after HE had not drunk liquor in about a year b/c HE PROMISED ME THAT HE WOULD NEVER DRINK IT AGAIN. The last time he drunk liquor he punched my windshield while I was driving and broke it on a drunken rampage... long story. I wanted to divorce him back then.
Normally, if I still cared, I would have been very hurt that YET ANOTHER PROMISE was broken. I would have brought that to his attention right away, probably yelled at him. My reaction this time? "Tequila huh?" I didn't feel betrayed, didn't care at all. DID NOT CARE AT ALL. Is that the sound of the Liberty Bell?????
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Why on earth do you keep subjecting yourself to this behavior?
Detaching doesn't mean numbing yourself and simply putting up with whatever the alcoholic throws at us. To me it means accepting that I have no control over others, and I let them live their life as they chose. It means removing myself from the midst of the drama and chaos. It means putting my safety/sanity/happiness first, and allowing the alcoholic to take responsibility for his "stuff".
Have you ever thought about Al-anon? It certainly helped me learned how to recovery from the effects of living with and loving all the alcoholics in my life.
Detaching doesn't mean numbing yourself and simply putting up with whatever the alcoholic throws at us. To me it means accepting that I have no control over others, and I let them live their life as they chose. It means removing myself from the midst of the drama and chaos. It means putting my safety/sanity/happiness first, and allowing the alcoholic to take responsibility for his "stuff".
Have you ever thought about Al-anon? It certainly helped me learned how to recovery from the effects of living with and loving all the alcoholics in my life.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
I understand that I have no control over his actions and do not know why I have let this go on for so long. I think I may have said this in a previous post, but I think it is amazing how my level of toleration has stretched to such a degree. I have put up with so much that normally I would not put up with. "He left bruises on my arms, he pushed me, but he's never full-on punched me in the face." "He hit the car and not me." He even said after he cracked my windshield, "you're lucky that wasn't your face!"
I have not joined a group yet. My AH the type of dude that would probably kill me if he knew I was posting here. He wouldn't even view it as a much needed mental release. He would view it as an embarrassment to him. If my wedding vows were not in effect, I would have left him a long time ago. I have some sort of perverse obligation to them and I think my AH uses that to his advantage by saying things like, "our vows are 'for better or for worse.'" "3 1/2 years is nothing compared to the rest of our lives..." THAT'S what I'm afraid of!
I have not joined a group yet. My AH the type of dude that would probably kill me if he knew I was posting here. He wouldn't even view it as a much needed mental release. He would view it as an embarrassment to him. If my wedding vows were not in effect, I would have left him a long time ago. I have some sort of perverse obligation to them and I think my AH uses that to his advantage by saying things like, "our vows are 'for better or for worse.'" "3 1/2 years is nothing compared to the rest of our lives..." THAT'S what I'm afraid of!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He left you along time ago, his wife is booze...you are his safe place to fall. You are his punching bag...
If you stay, then this is what you will have to face "forever, till death does you part" unless he quits drinking, forever.
Dolly
If you stay, then this is what you will have to face "forever, till death does you part" unless he quits drinking, forever.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Detaching isn't a solution for verbal or physical abuse. Period. You do not "detach" from someone hitting you or threatening to hit you. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to find help for that first and foremost.
I agree with Cnay... your wedding vows stopped being "in effect" the first time he raised his hand to you.
Domestic Violence, when left alone, ONLY escalates. Please consider contacting a women's shelter near you.
I agree with Cnay... your wedding vows stopped being "in effect" the first time he raised his hand to you.
Domestic Violence, when left alone, ONLY escalates. Please consider contacting a women's shelter near you.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
PLEASE don't think that I am making excuses on behalf of AH, but he has yet to hit me and hopefully this will never come to pass. The usual pushing, shoving, grabbing and hitting things around the house has occured, but not for some time. He has gotten a handle on his anger since seeing a county shrink. I just don't want anyone out there to really worry and think that this is a full-blown domestic violence situation. It's an alcohol situation more than anything. Although- I am worried about possible violence which is one reason I have not filed for divorce yet. One thing I've imagined is him going on a drinking/drug binge from Hell, bringing all of his anger out and him hunting me down and hurting me.
Yeah- he has seen a county shrink now about 3-4 times b/c they cannot get him in every week (what he needs). He has been diagnosed as "Psychotic" and is on Xanax and Seroquel. So you see, even if he's not drinking as much as he used to, I guess he doesn't have to since these drugs supplement his buzz.
Yeah- he has seen a county shrink now about 3-4 times b/c they cannot get him in every week (what he needs). He has been diagnosed as "Psychotic" and is on Xanax and Seroquel. So you see, even if he's not drinking as much as he used to, I guess he doesn't have to since these drugs supplement his buzz.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You know that sounds VERY dangerous to me....
He is on drugs for being Psychotic and drinking as well?????
Think long and hard about this one hon..... I dont know why you think its not so bad when the mire thought of leaving him scares you so much.
He is on drugs for being Psychotic and drinking as well?????
Think long and hard about this one hon..... I dont know why you think its not so bad when the mire thought of leaving him scares you so much.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
In my recovery, I've learned to have all sorts of back-up plans. I do this because I never know what life will throw at me. Living with an alcoholic means that situations pop up all the time. Some examples... my husband and I go out to eat dinner, he drives us there, and ends up getting drunk during dinner... I have back-up plans for how to get home. Plan A- I get the keys and drive us. Plan B - he won't give me the keys, so I call a cab b/c I won't ride with him while he's drunk. Plan C - I call a friend or family member to come get me. I keep my cellphone on me, and cash/credit cards in case I need to seperate from him, or god forbid he does something and ends up arrested or in a hospital. These are the realities of being involved with an alcoholic. I must take responsibility for my safety and well-being.
Please consider having some back-up plans for your safety/protection. There's no way of ever knowing if your husband should stop taking his medicine, and gets drunk and comes after you. A back-up plan would include finding out ahead of time where you can go, who you can call, keeping a change of clothes, your cellphone, car keys, cash, etc someplace easily accessible.
Please consider having some back-up plans for your safety/protection. There's no way of ever knowing if your husband should stop taking his medicine, and gets drunk and comes after you. A back-up plan would include finding out ahead of time where you can go, who you can call, keeping a change of clothes, your cellphone, car keys, cash, etc someplace easily accessible.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Yes I agree. I actually have made the following preparations:
1. Opened my own bank account
2. Have a tape of him leaving messages on my cell phone and our house phone when he was drunk and stranded somewhere a few weeks ago (calling once every 30 seconds- no kidding) and saying things like, "I'll make you feel as empty as I am when I get home." There is a big story behind this one. I did something unintentionally (b/c for once I drank!- I know that is a mistake) that really made him angry and someone came to pick him up to take him away for the day. His reaction was way over the top considering the things I've endured. The tape is hidden in my car.
3. I've memorized the important contact numbers in my cell in case something happens to the cell.
4. I have a list of hotels and short-term housing places hidden in my car.
5. I have the sherriff and police dpts #s programmed in my phone.
6. My mother and a friend know exactly what's going on.
Cynay- yes he is on anti-psychotics. All of this started less than a year ago after the windshield incident. We could not afford "real counseling" so my AH agrees to go see this county shrink and get help for his anger and be honest about his drinking. I will tell you however, that what MOST propogated his desire to go see this shrink is that my AH starting having severe anxiety attacks. I mean SEVERE- sweating, vomiting, etc. while I was at work. He brought all this to the shrink's attention and was honest about how much he drinks.
The shrink told him to quit drinking first and foremost, diagnosed him as "psychotic" and prescribed him Xanax for the anxiety and Seroquel for psychosis. The meds have helped his overall state of mind. He then began to "cut down drinking." When he mentioned his plan, I was thinking, "WOOOOOEEEE, now you're on drugs so I guess you don't actually need as much booze." I thought this trade-off was ridiculous and no sort of accomplishment. The way he talked about it, you would have think he had won a war. It made me sick. Now he's to the point to where, according to him, "he doesn't even feel the Xanax anymore." So it's not like he even believes that he is in an altered state of mind. He just knows that the meds are working. Yep- our situation sucks and is very complicated and scarey.
As long as AH is not on a binger, his anger issues are not a problem. If he is though, you have never seen a bigger demon in your life than him. Pure evil in the eyeballs. Hateful words and secret desires of hurting everything around him that I do not even want to contemplate.
1. Opened my own bank account
2. Have a tape of him leaving messages on my cell phone and our house phone when he was drunk and stranded somewhere a few weeks ago (calling once every 30 seconds- no kidding) and saying things like, "I'll make you feel as empty as I am when I get home." There is a big story behind this one. I did something unintentionally (b/c for once I drank!- I know that is a mistake) that really made him angry and someone came to pick him up to take him away for the day. His reaction was way over the top considering the things I've endured. The tape is hidden in my car.
3. I've memorized the important contact numbers in my cell in case something happens to the cell.
4. I have a list of hotels and short-term housing places hidden in my car.
5. I have the sherriff and police dpts #s programmed in my phone.
6. My mother and a friend know exactly what's going on.
Cynay- yes he is on anti-psychotics. All of this started less than a year ago after the windshield incident. We could not afford "real counseling" so my AH agrees to go see this county shrink and get help for his anger and be honest about his drinking. I will tell you however, that what MOST propogated his desire to go see this shrink is that my AH starting having severe anxiety attacks. I mean SEVERE- sweating, vomiting, etc. while I was at work. He brought all this to the shrink's attention and was honest about how much he drinks.
The shrink told him to quit drinking first and foremost, diagnosed him as "psychotic" and prescribed him Xanax for the anxiety and Seroquel for psychosis. The meds have helped his overall state of mind. He then began to "cut down drinking." When he mentioned his plan, I was thinking, "WOOOOOEEEE, now you're on drugs so I guess you don't actually need as much booze." I thought this trade-off was ridiculous and no sort of accomplishment. The way he talked about it, you would have think he had won a war. It made me sick. Now he's to the point to where, according to him, "he doesn't even feel the Xanax anymore." So it's not like he even believes that he is in an altered state of mind. He just knows that the meds are working. Yep- our situation sucks and is very complicated and scarey.
As long as AH is not on a binger, his anger issues are not a problem. If he is though, you have never seen a bigger demon in your life than him. Pure evil in the eyeballs. Hateful words and secret desires of hurting everything around him that I do not even want to contemplate.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
If he is though, you have never seen a bigger demon in your life than him. Pure evil in the eyeballs. Hateful words and secret desires of hurting everything around him that I do not even want to contemplate.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
You know what, anyway I say this its not going to sound right... so take what you want and leave the rest.
How sick does this disease make us that these living conditions do not scare us???
IMO you should be scared, cuz Im scared for you.
How sick does this disease make us that these living conditions do not scare us???
IMO you should be scared, cuz Im scared for you.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Yep- I agree that it is sick. I know that I have a legitimate concern here. When I've spoken about these things before to his family and even to our mutual friend, they are all like, "he is an A and a lot of other things, but he's not a killer. He would never hurt you." I'm thinking, "you haven't seen the hate in his eyes that I have." No one except for my family takes my worries seriously. Everyone else gives me the impression that they think I'm a drama queen. They have never heard the open threats and then when I show the slightest sign of fear, they've never seen him mock me.
He can be a very scarey person when he is drunk and angry. He has a lot of deep-rooted pent-up anger since childhood that rears it's ugly head. Thank you for your good thoughts and I will be strong.
He can be a very scarey person when he is drunk and angry. He has a lot of deep-rooted pent-up anger since childhood that rears it's ugly head. Thank you for your good thoughts and I will be strong.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hon, listen to what is being said here and please protect yourself.
Just a few words about the shrink stuff - I cannot believe that a reputable psych doc diagnosed an active alcoholic as a psychotic after 3 or 4 sessions. And not can I believe that sweating and vomiting were used to make this diagnosis - hello??!! Alcohol makes you sweat and vomit when drunk in excess. How do you know he was honest about how much he drinks, btw?
Safety first, mega.
Just a few words about the shrink stuff - I cannot believe that a reputable psych doc diagnosed an active alcoholic as a psychotic after 3 or 4 sessions. And not can I believe that sweating and vomiting were used to make this diagnosis - hello??!! Alcohol makes you sweat and vomit when drunk in excess. How do you know he was honest about how much he drinks, btw?
Safety first, mega.
One brief hour...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Well, good points. He told me he was honest with his counselor and I couldn't believe how quickly AH was diagnosed either. It was on his first visit by the way. 
I did believe AH when he told me this b/c I've found (or maybe I'm totally hoodwinked???) that AH gets very real with himself and his actions, his feelings, etc. when he is sober. Of course he was sober then. Seriously folks, if you talked to AH when he is sober, you would think that he is "totally in touch". You wouldn't question his sincerity.
Those attacks were happening during sober moments (withdrawal maybe?). He said he would have heart palpitations and feel like he was going to choke, get paranoid and begin coughing, then puking, then sweating, thinking he was going to die.
I did believe AH when he told me this b/c I've found (or maybe I'm totally hoodwinked???) that AH gets very real with himself and his actions, his feelings, etc. when he is sober. Of course he was sober then. Seriously folks, if you talked to AH when he is sober, you would think that he is "totally in touch". You wouldn't question his sincerity. Those attacks were happening during sober moments (withdrawal maybe?). He said he would have heart palpitations and feel like he was going to choke, get paranoid and begin coughing, then puking, then sweating, thinking he was going to die.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
This may sound very callous, but all I can see are emotional hooks flying around waiting for you to be caught.
I know exactly what it's like to be with someone who knows exactly what to say. I had my ex on here for months when we were together, parading as the AA poster boy. It was a total sham. He wasn't getting real with himself, he was doing it to reel me in (geddit?!!).
Counsellor or therapist? one diagnoses, the other helps people to sort out their own problems or refers them on for further help. (Guess who had her counselling class tonight? Although, on reflection, I have just accused your hubby of being a lying toerag, so perhaps I have a little way to go yet.
)
I know exactly what it's like to be with someone who knows exactly what to say. I had my ex on here for months when we were together, parading as the AA poster boy. It was a total sham. He wasn't getting real with himself, he was doing it to reel me in (geddit?!!).
Counsellor or therapist? one diagnoses, the other helps people to sort out their own problems or refers them on for further help. (Guess who had her counselling class tonight? Although, on reflection, I have just accused your hubby of being a lying toerag, so perhaps I have a little way to go yet.
)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
[QUOTE=megamysterioso] If my wedding vows were not in effect, I would have left him a long time ago. I have some sort of perverse obligation to them [quote]
Mega,
It's ok to reexamine our belief systems and see if our beliefs do not fit our current reality..Somehow I don't think wedding vows are meant to be in place so that "until death do us part" means our death..
you do have choices..Are you married because you think that being divorced is a bad thing? you might spend sometime getting to the real reason behind why you stay in this relationship..
I disagree that his violence is contributed just to his alcoholism..what you are describing is a "full blown domestic violence" situation..
glad you have a backup plan in place but maybe you could avail yourself of free counselling at a domestic violence shelter..
Mega,
It's ok to reexamine our belief systems and see if our beliefs do not fit our current reality..Somehow I don't think wedding vows are meant to be in place so that "until death do us part" means our death..
you do have choices..Are you married because you think that being divorced is a bad thing? you might spend sometime getting to the real reason behind why you stay in this relationship..
I disagree that his violence is contributed just to his alcoholism..what you are describing is a "full blown domestic violence" situation..
glad you have a backup plan in place but maybe you could avail yourself of free counselling at a domestic violence shelter..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by megamysterioso
The usual pushing, shoving, grabbing and hitting things around the house has occured, but not for some time. He has gotten a handle on his anger since seeing a county shrink. I just don't want anyone out there to really worry and think that this is a full-blown domestic violence situation. It's an alcohol situation more than anything. Although- I am worried about possible violence which is one reason I have not filed for divorce yet. One thing I've imagined is him going on a drinking/drug binge from Hell, bringing all of his anger out and him hunting me down and hurting me.
Please contact a DV counselor. Know what your options are, and more importantly, how to handle it SAFELY should you decide to leave at some point. And I'm not referring to bank accounts, having a place to stay, etc.; although those things are a part of it.
And BTW, alcohol really has very little to do with it. His anger is as much a part of his personality as a sense of humor is. You either possess those qualities, or you don't! He unfortunately does! Not Good!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Originally Posted by megamysterioso
The usual pushing, shoving, grabbing and hitting things around the house has occured
Hitting things in your presence is a forerunner to hitting you and is well documented in DV resources. This has a lot of good info, although the resources are UK focussed. http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/d...h_index4.shtml
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