Kellye C

This is my first post to this board. I typically stay on the Alcoholic and Newcomers boards since I am a recovering alcoholic. However, I don't feel comfortable posting this on there as it is not specifically related to MY disease but I have to get it out.

A week ago last Friday my SO of the past 18 months left his e-mail up. I saw where he has been communicating with another woman and basically trying to establish a relationship with her. The things he wrote and the lies he told sickened me as this is not the first time he has done this and with the same woman. I made the decision then and there that I needed out of this farce of a relationship. I wrote him a note (he was at an AA meeting at the time), collected my stuff and got the heck out. Of course he called me when he got home and tried to lie his way out of it, then tried to twist the facts and justify his actions and then tried to pull the self-pity crap that always comes out when he screws up. I didn't want to have anything to do with it so I hung up.

To make a long story short, later that night he tried to kill himself with over 100 Benadryl and beer. He threw away almost 17 years of sobriety (or so I thought). He lived and I got a call the next day telling me he was in CCU. I shared everything with my sponsor and called his sponsor and let him know. His sponsor called the following day asking me to visit him in the hospital. My sponsor advised against it and my better judgement did too but I sought out the advice of someone else in the program and she helped me to see where it might be beneficial if I could manage to do it as a kind of 12th step call.

Anyways, I went and talked to him. Since all of this came down so many of his lies and deceptions have come out even some medical tests that indicate that he hasn't been sober all this time. I feel like I never really knew him and that the past 18 months have been a farce. I have wanted to drink over this several times because it hurts so damn bad but I haven't. Instead I have been working with my sponsor and re-reading Co-Dependent No More. I've been trying to focus on my own sobriety and saving my own ass instead of riding in to try and save his which is what I have always done.

I got an e-mail today from his sponsor telling me how he is doing, what he is working on, suggesting that I work on some issues and basically telling me that we can get past this IF I really want to. He has hinted that he thinks I am being totally selfish in this because I still want out of the relationship. That is what I'm struggling with. The e-mail today had the effect of ripping a scab off of a still very fresh wound. I have been in turmoil all day.

Is it selfish to not want to go back to the lies and deception? Is it selfish to not run to his rescue but try to save my own self instead? Am I a horrible, uncaring person because I don't trust him anymore? He told his sponsor once that we were better together sick than we were apart. Well dammit I don't want to live like that so does that make me selfish because I'm considering what I want, need and deserve? If he and his sponsor are to be believed the answer is yes. If MY sponsor is to be believed the answer is no! She has been encouraging me to get out of this for a while. Does the fact that he tried to kill himself make everything else go away and I'm just supposed to run back to take care of him, excusing the ways he hurt me?

I know I've typed a lot but I could really use some guidance or perspectives on this. My gut is twisted in knots and I'm second guessing myself left and right. I was so sure that I was doing what was right for me for once in my life and now I'm being made to feel a monster for it. Arghhhhhhh!

Thanks for listening!
Kellye

JessicaNAJ

No...no...no!!!

It was his choice to e-mail this other person....not yours. It is up to him to restore the trust he took from you-his responsibility....Not yours.

I'm honestly at a loss for words tonight, but I had to tell you.....YOU ARE NOT HORRIBLE!!!

Cap3

Your sponsor knows you best and has your best interest at heart.its good to share,and get it all out,into the open.Makes one clearer,to decide.To Thine Own Self Be True.And yes being true to oneself,you will get flak,but,only from those who would want you to decide differently,.Look over at,Steps 2-Step 3.Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God,as we understand Him.Include God, in all your thoughts.
My prayers are with you both,
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and take care!!!!

cwohio

you need to do whatever it takes to protect your sobriety - you are NOT a monster!

TRISH1011

It's a little disturbing that his sponsor is calling you 'selfish' - why should his sponsor be speaking with you at all?

gelfling

I have to agree with Trish...where does his sponsor come off contacting you and putting you on a guilt trip.

ATtend to your sobriety. You're a powerful lady getting through this and not drinking. Bravo to you.

Blessings

mallowcup

Let me be the first to say it. Don't go back. You felt like you didn't know him because you didn't. You knew a character in a script. A script he wrote. Don't stand on a cliffs edge, don't lay down in front of a truck, don't set your hair on fire and DON'T GO BACK TO HIM. You are sure of one thing you can count on, you.

laurie6781

Kellye listen to YOUR sponsor not his. He chose to do what he did, do not feel guilty, do not. You have the right to work on you in a peaceful and calm home. Obviously you did not have that.

You ARE NOT being selfish. Remember the priorities. The ones I learned were simple:

God first
Then Myself
Then those around me in order of importance to me.

I wouldn't listen to much of what "his sponsor" has to say, as obviously his sponsor knew he has not been sober all this time and didn't push him to tell you. Sounds like his sponsor needs to work on himself also. lol

His drinking, his attempt at suicide, his lying are all "his choices." Do not let his sponsor try and guilt trip you. Listen to your sponsor. You have worked very hard for your sobriety.

You are finding Kellye today. Stick with that. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.

JMHO

Love and hugs,

sunshinebluesky

doesnt sound like a very good sponser to me.......(his)-----when people dont get the enabling, i think they like to pass blame on to others,calling them selfish.what a crock!
its called looking after yourself. it was his choice to drink,his choice to correspond with that woman,his choice to take those pills.guilt is a dirty word.
i commend you for staying with your sobriety thru so many things,and for the choices you have made......stick with it,and yourself!!

Girlfriend

Kellye ((hugs))

I'm a RA of 12 years and the last 5 years have been the toughest in my life with losing both my parents, me getting colon cancer (it's all gone now, thank God) and my 2nd marraige ending.

But, there's one thing I don't ever wanna do and that is drink again. Nobody, nothing is ever worth me going back to the bottle for.

I'm proud of ya, honey! Hang in there!

BlueMoon

Been there - - my x-AH had his sponsor convinced that ALL problems were MY fault - had me going for a while too -
('cept I just celebrated 14yrs sober and x-AH is now in prison - - hmmmm)

Listen to YOUR gut, YOUR heart and YOUR sponsor.

No! You are NOT a monster - you just refuse to be manipulated (the drinking, the suicide attempt, the lying).
You are doing what YOU feel is the right/healthy thing to do. It doesn't matter one little bit if any one else agrees with you - it matters that YOU are doing what YOU feel is right for YOU.

Hang in there!

Blessings,
Blue

Etimee

Hi Kellye,

I come to this board too!

I think that when an authority figure says something like that to you, it can make you wonder. Don't let it. If I came to you and asked the same questions you ask here...

Is it selfish to not want to go back to the lies and deception? Is it selfish to not run to his rescue but try to save my own self instead? Am I a horrible, uncaring person because I don't trust him anymore? He told his sponsor once that we were better together sick than we were apart. Well dammit I don't want to live like that so does that make me selfish because I'm considering what I want, need and deserve?

What would you say to me?

I think you are doing healthy great! I am so proud of you!

Etimee

minnie

Aren't alcoholics good at guilt trips? Seems like the sponsor is passing the buck to me, but to the wrong person. It's OK to not want to work on this. In fact, I think you have made a really healthy decison. Your motives are good.

Feel like you never really knew him? I think evidence suggests that you didn't. I think that is very common when one is involved with an alcoholic and it shakes you to your core.

I think your recovery is shining.

equus

It seems to me that you're very good at knowing where your boundaries are and acting on them!! I think seeking your sponsors support is fine, as support - support for where you want to be and clearly are capable of being.

I don't know why but as I read the above what crossed my mind was that four people trying to work two people's relationship is 2 too many!! Take what's needed as support but this ultimately is about you and him, not you + your sponsor and him + his sponsor.

Please don't misunderstand - I'm not knocking seeking and getting support but as support only for YOU, you're decisions and your life. It just seems that ther are too many people trying to cook the broth - especially his sponsor's involvment.

Take care....

Kellye C

Everyone,

Thank you SO much for your replies. They mean the world to me.

Some of you asked why his sponsor is even contacting me. We socialized together with his wife as couples so I guess that is why he feels that it is ok to contact me. And he is VERY manipulative. The nurse in CCU even observed this and commented to me about it. She also has experience with alcoholics in her life and she told me to run, don't walk away from this relationship, that my ex-SO is one very sick man and that I didn't need to subject myself to it. I pretty much agreed and was doing ok at accepting things until this e-mail came in.

I think at this point I will just ignore any further e-mails and make a clean break as it is so not worth the turmoil it threw me back into. As for 4 people being involved in 1 relationship, yes that is probably too many cooks in the kitchen. I drew my sponsor in because 1) I'm still new to this sobriety thing and my disease wanted me to drink over this - so I was in fear for my own sobriety, 2) she has done a lot of work on codependent issues (her own), 3) she is familiar with him and me and the circumstances of our relationship and 4) because I needed someone with longterm sobriety to validate my thinking on this.

Things feel much clearer this morning after seeing these responses and a good night's sleep. Thank you all for sharing your viewpoints with me. They are so invaluable!

Hugs,
Kellye

Gabe

Kellye, you really got hit with a double whammy.
I can't think of two things more painful than betryal and the attempted suicide of a loved one.
As everyone has already said, your primary goal needs to be taking care of you right now.
None of this is your fault and all you can do is get yourself to a place where you feel you are thriving.
Sponsors are great, but they do not have the last word.
You do.
It's your life and it's your serenity.

elizabeth1979

This is brilliant.

((Kellye)))

BlueMoon

A bit more validation for you! If strangers can see how this man is trying to manipulate you . . . . that's kinda scary - among other things!

YOUR sponsor has YOUR best interests at heart - and knows YOUR side of it all and where YOU have been - listen to and consider HER input -

I learned over the years (before AH was X-AH) that "his sponsor" had a very skewed view of what our life was like. Makes sense, AH had a pretty skewed view of our life too.

Blessings,
Blue

Kellye C

The X-SO's sponsor has only been told bits and pieces of reality in all the years that he has been working with him.

You know, when X-SO's mother died in November I begged and pleaded to go to his home town with him to support him. He told me no, that it would cause too many questions as many believed he was still with his estranged wife who he hasn't been with in 3 years. I then offered to just make the 5 hour drive up for the DAY to support him and he wouldn't let me do that either. He disappeared for about 12 hours while he was there and then when he called me finally he was slurring and said he had taken a Xanax that was time released (IS there such a thing?) Knowing what I do now I suspect he had been drinking. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point, just one more lie on top of so many others.

My point is this. I was so upset and angry that he wouldn't allow me to be there for him and him allowing them to think that he was still married made me feel like his dirty little secret and I told him that. Of course he assured me that wasn't the case and that they just wouldn't understand. It should have been the handwriting on the wall for me. But hell, I seemed very adept at not picking up on cues that I needed to get out. Over a year ago he wrote horrible things about his inability to accept my body in his journal and then left it laying out. I have had weight loss surgery and have a lot of issues with baggy skin but I don't have money for plastic surgery so I try to stay covered as much as possible. I was devastated and came very close to drinking over this. I should have left his sorry butt then (I mean, he is 14 years older than me and at 54 he isn't exactly firm either - and at least my face is wrinkle free and doesn't sag). I accepted him as he was but he wrote in graphic detail about my flaws and how he found it so hard to look past them. Then his addiction to porn became an issue when he left it on the tv when my daughter was over to visit. THEN I found out that he was e-mailing this woman back in July and then in September, had the issue with his mom dying in November and now this. Why was I so willing to go against my gut? Why was I so afraid to leave this so-called relationship? Why did I subject myself to this abuse? These are the questions that keep running through my mind now.

I'm sorry to have written yet another book on this. It is helpful to me to get it out and look at it and allow others who are more objective to look at it as well. As bad as what happened hurt, I know in my heart that I am better off without him.

Hugs,
Kellye

L8YNRED

Kellye
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